Happy Tuesday!

Happy Fat Tuesday aka Mardi Gras!

Happy another day for the people who get drunk everyday on Bourbon street in New Orleans to get drunk, but this time more people will be getting drunk with them than last Tuesday when they were getting drunk with only the other people who have a daily blackout drinking problem! Woooooo!

Happy day before the day when some of your co-workers show up to work looking like a jackass with a dirty smudge on their forehead, but you can’t laugh at them because that’s apart of their religion, but what if apart of my religion was that I got to point out who looks like a jackass when they look like a jackass, huh, you ever think of that aka Ash Wednesday!

Happy everything, I suppose. I’m back to posting. I had a little run-in with the law on Friday and by “law” I mean I was too busy writing articles that I had procrastinated writing and that took up my Friday noon time activities. As for Monday, well that was Presidents’ day and I observed that holiday by drinking beer at breakfast and laying on a couch. That’s how the past Presidents would have wanted it – read a book.

Over the extended weekend, I did see a stand-up comedian perform – Bill Burr. The man is hysterical. I did know that going in and that’s why I bought the tickets. His opener brought Bill to the stage with a pseudo-hyperbolic introduction saying that Bill Burr was the best stand-up comedian today. Now, Bill joked about that saying what an asshole his opener was for setting the bar that high that he could never reach it, but it made me think how far off the guy wasn’t. I think the funniest person alive is/was Dave Chappelle. I don’t know if the current state of Dave Chappelle is really a working Dave Chappelle, but the Chappelle that was a stand-up comedian and TV comedian up until his quick departure after the 3rd season of his Comedy Central show – that man was the funniest man on the EARTH. I think the next three funniest working stand-up comics were/are Patrice O’Neal, Louis C.K. and Bill Burr. Sadly, Patrice died recently and that’s a shame in a million ways because that man made me laugh in ways that caused me to pull muscles. That leaves Louis C.K. (alive, working, healthy) and Bill Burr. So, the guy wasn’t too far off. Also, up there is Patton Oswalt, Jim Gaffigan, Zach Galifianakis, Brian Posehn, Sarah Silverman, and well dozens of others. Anyway… Bill Burr had me crying from laughter within the first 10 minutes of his act.

That was the upside of the weekend, the downside was seeing This Means War.

I wasn’t dragged to see the movie and, in fact, I was the one who suggested seeing it. I am addicted to seeing movies in the theaters and have been for over a decade now, so I’ve seen some shitty movies and This Means War is just another one I’ve seen. Was it the worst I’ve seen? Hardly. Was it worth seeing? Hardly. If you’re bored one night and it’s on Netflix and you have a thing for watching good looking people interact on screen and you don’t feel like paying attention to what they’re saying or doing and you’re already pretty good and drunk on wine or vodka (like I was at the theater) or absinthe or something else then watch the movie – who cares? It’s not like you’re hurting anyone.

If you’re not familiar with the movie – it’s about Chris Pine (played Captain Kirk in the newest Star Trek and is McDreamy) and Tom Hardy (British guy in Inception or the bulkier brother with the 1000 yard stare in Warrior and is McSteamy) are C.I.A. spies who are best hetero friends and end up trying to date the same hapless woman, Reese Witherspoon (Legally Blonde15 years later). The movie spent most of the time giving out their own dating advice about wooing a woman especially a woman you know is currently being wooed by another man. This is all A game material for dating. This is what I learned from the movie and this is what you should take verbatim into your own dating life…

1. 10 minute dates are all the rage

Tom Hardy and Reese Witherspoon find each other on a dating website. They schedule what appears to be a “pre-first-date date”. The two meet at a bar where I guess they’re both so insanely paranoid about the other that they literally meet for half a dozen minutes to test the waters if they want to go a full hour with each other the next time. We know the date was this damn short because Reese leaves the extended hello to go to a video store where she runs into Chris Pine who was shadowing Hardy’s 5 second date just in case it went poorly and needed an out. Hardy gives Pine the signal he can leave, but he’s still there when Reese and Hardy’s date actually ends, which means they talked for a solid 30 more seconds. What a date?! How about if your plans are only to watch a movie by yourself this evening, and we’re both sitting here at a bar that serves food, and we’re perfectly cool to see each other on another date – how about we actually go on a date this very second? No! Good God, No! You don’t want to rush things like that. That’s crazy talk.

2. Video stores still exist

WHO KNEW?! This movie doesn’t take place in 1997 either. It’s now! And there are video stores?! Still?! I’m going to go NOT find one because everything a video store once was is now online at the touch of my fingertips. Well, I guess there is one thing you can’t do – leer at women in person because apparently super models hang out at video stores. So, actually you should go find a video store if you want to date super models because that’s where they spend their free time. Maybe no one has taught them how to use computers yet.

3. Stalking is a good way to get a first date

Chris Pine cyber stalks Reese Witherspoon to find out where she works and then shows up there and is a dick to her until she wants to call security, but he says he will peacefully leave if she goes out on a date with him and she says yes. There you go fellas. That’s how the pro’s operate. Go get them! I’m sure that is a 100% fool proof maneuver. Meet a girl randomly, investigate her on the interwebs and find out her place of employment, the next day miraculously appear there, harass her in front of a group of women, and lay down the ultimatum of date me or things could get worse… BOO-fucking-YAH you’ve got a first date! Woooo!!!! Bitches love being stalked.

4. Good first date

Tom Hardy takes Reese Witherspoon to a boardwalk carnival, which is seen as an excellent first date. The truly memorable moment of the date where Tom Hardy steals his first kiss is moments after they break into a circus tent and perform high wire acrobatics using a couple of the swings. After they successfully or I mean after you and your date successfully complete a maneuver where the man hangs upside down from one swing and then you hang upside down from the other and then you two catch arms and swing together – you should both fall gracefully down to the net below and share your first kiss.

5. Bad first date

Pick up your special lady in an Audi two-seater convertible dressed like a dapper, sex machine in a three piece suit, take her to the most popular and exclusive bar in the city, walk past the line and right in because you know everyone there, and set up a private table for two in the VIP area with champagne. That’s about the WORST fucking idea ever! NO GIRL OR GUY WANTS THAT! Are you a fucking idiot?! What LOSER would want to ever date a LOSER that could do all that just for a first date? I mean seriously, you would have to be a real fucking moron to date a rich and cool person who has an in at the trendiest place in town. Only a real piece of shit would think that is a good first date. Thanks, This Means War.

6. Decision Making

If you’ve got a tough decision to make between who you want to date between two people that you just met last week… make sure to set a deadline no further down the line than another week. I mean a decision like that should be rushed. You don’t want to agonize over a decision like who between two seemingly perfect people which one do you want to date and which one do you want to burn a bridge with. Just set a short time period like 7 days and then make a kneejerk reaction decision on which one is right for you.

7. Follow-up Dates

Over the next week of initially meeting someone, you will want to go all-in (that’s what she said) as far as showing them the greatest time of all time because that’s usually how dating is. A couple of suggestions – go classic muscle car racing. Just get your hands on a classic muscle car preferably a convertible and let this person you’ve only had dinner with once drive it as fast as they want for the hell of it. I’m not exactly sure how you rent one of those, so you might as well buy it for the date. That’s perfectly reasonable when another date idea is to find out this near stranger’s favorite painter and then going and rounding up a special viewing of their collective works in the back of a museum. I’m sure that’s easy enough to do. I mean how difficult could that possibly be to pull off. If you’re still wondering what to do after that then of course the next couple dates can either be paintball or going to an animal shelter and buying a dog. This all seem perfectly reasonable especially someone you met well within the past lunar cycle.

8. When All Else Fails…

Take this person to meet your extended family for the day. That sounds exactly like something you should do, right? No one could possible help you out on a date better than your FAMILY. RIGHT?! THAT MAKES A TON OF SENSE, RIGHT?! Hey, person I’ve been on 4 dates with in the past 9 days – how about let’s meet my family for a whole day?

Following this amazing date, you should definitely expect…

9. SEX

EXACTLY!!!!!! Am I fucking right? Nothing gets a person hotter than them meeting your biological family. It just makes them wet in the pantaloons like soaking through their jeans wet just dripping everywhere just sopping wetness on every chair they sit on. Is that your grandmother who raised you because your parents died when you were 10 in a car crash? It is? I can’t wait to have your stiff penis inside me – that’s so damn hot! GET IN ME ALREADY!

So, that’s what I learned about dating from This Means War.

You learn other things to in the movie like if you have kept it a secret for years that you slept with your best buddy’s ex-wife and all of a sudden the two of them are finally back together and happy – you should totally tell him that you put your dick in her. That is the only sane thing to do.

Also, for those that have seen it… I would take Abigail Spencer over Reese Witherspoon any day of the week to begin with, so Tom Hardy wins out there.

 

Happy Thursday!

I’m running high on blood lust (UFC fights last night on Fuel TV were great), Lin-sanity (Jeremy Lin is 7-0 and had 13 assists last night in less than 3 full quarters, so he sat out the rest of the game with a job well done in defeating the Kings), and coffee (magical dark elixir that if you put enough of it inside of you you feel like you can stop bullets like Neo and it is somehow PERFECTLY LEGAL!). Regardless, today’s post is more of a conversation starter I suppose – although I’m generally just talking to myself … always – about last year’s movies and, more so, the ones worth seeing.

The OSCARS are supposed to be picking the best and the brightest, but more often than not I think they fail and pick some other random ass movies that no one cared about or something. My thoughts on best movies this year and best acting didn’t really coincide with their thoughts, which does happen a lot. Slumdog Millionaire? Are you fucking kidding me? There was this little movie called THE DARK KNIGHT that came out that year that just so happened to be the GREATEST MOVIE EVER and it wasn’t nominated for anything. Also, The Wrestler came out that year to and wasn’t nominated for anything. I hate the Oscars!

Needless to say, I’m going to share with you my nominations for the top 6 awards: movie, actor, actress, supporting actor, supporting actress, and director. Before I get to those choices, I will say I didn’t see every movie last year – same goes for those screw heads picking who won best picture and so forth, but I want to make that clear. Specifically, I didn’t see The Help, Shame, The Artist, My Week with Marilyn, Hugo, Moneyball, and Albert Nobbs. I didn’t see Extremely Loud and blah blah blah or War Horse, but everyone seems to be in agreement that those movies shouldn’t have been nominated even though they were. I mentioned Shame even though it wasn’t nominated for anything because it sounds like if I did see it then I might wanted to have nominated Michael Fassbender and maybe the movie in general – I’m not sure. Either way, it’s not on the list because I didn’t see it yet and not that it is bad – I do really want to see it even if it is a glorified film about Fassbender’s slick willy.

Anyway… onto the nominations… if you have nominations of your own then I would love to hear them. And if you only saw Fast Five this year and want to nominate it for every award then I want to hear that too because honestly I like the sounds of that a whole lot better than some of this other crap. OSCARS!

BEST MOVIE

Cedar Rapids

Another Earth

Super

13 Assassins

Young Adult

The Trip

Point Blank

Drive

Martha Marcy May Marlene

50/50

—–

So, that couldn’t look any different than the Oscars could it? I think my “best movie” would be The Trip. I thought that movie was absolutely perfect. I think that 50/50 and Drive were really close as well as Point Blank, but I think The Trip was just sublime. I’ve rewatched it several times and it doesn’t get any less funny or clever or well-made or any of that. It’s really just so good.

Honorable mentions…

Midnight in Paris

Source Code

Attack the Block

I liked Midnight in Paris a lot, but not as much as the Oscar people apparently. I really liked it a lot, but the end was meh and Rachel McAdams’ character was too easily unlikable and I thought the other movies were more complete. I think Source Code was wildly underrated and for what Attack the Block was supposed to be – it was near perfect.

BEST ACTOR

Ryan Gosling – Drive

Joseph Gordon-Levitt – 50/50

Andy Serkis – Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Steve Coogan – The Trip

Rob Brydon – The Trip

—-

I think both Brydon and Coogan were the stars of The Trip equally and both were flawless. They gave easily the best comedic performances this year as well as lingering emotional moments. It felt as much real life as it did scripted and it was near impossible to tell the difference when it was one or the other. JGL gave his best performance yet in my opinion. I did really like 500 Days of Summer and probably would have nominated him for that as well that year, but I like what JGL did in this movie because it felt more true to life. In 500 Days of Summer it was both a reach as far as trying to be the most indie rock boyfriend as well as being the biggest fucking pushover ever. JGL in 50/50 was a more complete character and obviously showed a dramatic emotional range that really nailed the tone of the movie. No one does CGI better than Andy Serkis. I would have nominated him for Gollum and possibly nominated him for King Kong as well. For RotPofA, Serkis delivers another dramatic physical and silent performance that really only he can do. He’s a one of a kind talent and he should be recognized for it. Lastly, Ryan Gosling in Drive is one of those crazy memorable performances. He is both a vacant stranger and a razor sharp focused killing machine. I never thought Ryan Gosling could appear as intense as he did in that movie and I never thought I would buy Gosling as The Terminator, but I did in Drive. At the same time, he played a gentle character who is more or less thrust into being awful and that was interesting as well.

Honorable mentions:

Owen Wilson – Midnight in Paris

Michael Fassbender – X-Men: First Class

Brendan Gleeson – The Guard

Paul Rudd – Our Idiot Brother

I think all four of them did great jobs as well. For Rudd, he made that whole damn movie. You bought that character through and through and he was in almost every scene interacting with every character and did so flawlessly. Underrated comedic effort. I didn’t think The Guard was a great movie as much as it was a very good movie. The reason that it was only very good was because they didn’t develop much past Gleeson, but Gleeson was great in what they had him do. As for Wilson and Fassbender, I think they both took roles that had been previously done and made them their own with their own quirks, but more so made us forget about the other person who used to play those roles. Fassbender was competing with Ian McKellan and Wilson was competing with Woody Allen, but both did great jobs in those situations.

BEST ACTRESS

Miranda July – The Future

Elizabeth Olsen – Martha Marcy May Marlene

Charlize Theron – Young Adult

Rooney Mara – Girl with a Dragon Tattoo

Brit Marling – Another Earth

—-

I have no honorable mentions in this category because Hollywood doesn’t have many good roles for women and the Oscar nominated roles I didn’t see. I bet if I did see My Week with Marilyn she would have taken Brit’s spot. I doubt I would have nominated Streep. Maybe Glenn Close, but I’ve heard that wasn’t that great. And, I couldn’t careless about The Help. I thought Viola Davis should’ve won for Doubt, so I bet she’s fine in The Help, but seriously?! I’m not seeing The Help. I almost put just 4 names up there because I do think Brit Marling is a little of a stretch, but on second thought she was quite good in the movie. The other four were great. I thought Miranda July nailed it again being this wildly eccentric version of I guess herself while walking this fine line of sexual deviance and sheer child-like innocence. Elizabeth Olsen was similarly great of sexual energy, innocence, and of course paranoid, afraid for her life, tense, et cetera. Charlize was untouchable in Young Adult as a main character you sort of hated and at the same time were enthralled by – you were rooting for her to fail, but kind of to win, which would have been sick if she did. Funny, twisted, appealing, and disgusting. Rooney did what Fassbender and Wilson did with a role that is 1000X more complicated and more difficult. Rooney had to live up to and make her own the Lisbeth Salander role and she did so amazingly. She was sexy, she was dark, she was powerful, and she was fragile.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

John C. Reilly – Cedar Rapids

Albert Brooks – Drive

Seth Rogen – 50/50

John Hawkes – Martha Marcy May Marlene

Patton Oswalt – Young Adult

—-

Firstly, I would give the damn award to John C. Reilly. The Oscars don’t give enough credit to comedic performances. I’m not talking about some guy sticking his dick in a pie or anything type of comedy, but taking the script and making those lines seem believable from that character’s mouth and making it memorable. I think Reilly is one of the most under-appreciated actors in this generation. He gets a lot of work, so people do recognize that, but he’s so good in what he does. As for the rest, I think both Seth and Patton do great jobs being both funny and sad and both do tremendous jobs. That’s 2 for Patton as he was also really great in Big Fan. Hawkes is similarly subtle and terrifying in MMMMas he was in Winter’s Bone last year. And Albert Brooks did a great job as a menacing villain, which was completely unexpected. I bet Scorcese or whatever would have cast him in all of his previous movies if he only knew.

Honorable mention:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt – Hesher

William Mapother – Another Earth

JGL was really good in Hesher, but I think the other guys above were better and not just playing up to the ridiculousness of it all. Lastly, Mapother was good in Another Earth and should be at least mentioned solely for the scene where he plays a saw and how truly unique of a scene that was and how oddly emotional it was.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Ellen Page – Super

Melissa McCarthy – Bridesmaids

Anna Kendrick – 50/50

Elle Fanning – Super 8

Shailene Woodley – The Descendants

——-

Again, I’ve only got 5 for you on this one. The actual nominees were mostly from those same movies that the first women were nominated for. I do agree on the Melissa McCarthy nomination. She stole a lot of the scenes in Bridesmaids and did what John C. Reilly did in Cedar Rapids, which was making every line gold. At 42, Melissa is the old vet in comparison to the rest of these young ladies that I nominated. I thought Super was a great movie and in large part it was do to Ellen Page really nailing both the violence, the innocence, and the sexual perversion of the film. Her character was the perfect storm of it all and damn she looked good it that super hero costume. On the other hand, I didn’t love Super 8, but I thought Elle Fanning was really quite good in it and did her last name proud. Anna Kendrick delivered in the same way that Seth and JGL delivered in 50/50 as did that whole movie. Lastly, Shailene, oh Shailene… in the end I didn’t really like The Descendants and kind of don’t understand all the fuss about it. I think George was good in the movie and in particular the one big emotional scene at the end, which the trailers are now ruining for everyone. But the rest? I didn’t find George that funny in the movie or care about him in the way the movie wanted me to. On the other hand, if there was any regular comedy in the movie it stemmed more from Shailene who played stride for stride with Clooney in each and every scene they were in together, which was a lot. She played emotional, she played distant, she played easy going at times, and so on and so forth. Lastly, the most memorable thing from that damn movie is Shailene in a string bikini throughout it and that was certainly worth watching.

BEST DIRECTOR

13 Assassins

Point Blank

Drive

Another Earth

Fast Five

—–

I definitely have a different opinion of directors than the Oscars do. I had a really hard time narrowing this down to 5. I think you could mix and match with my honorable mentions and they would be just as well. I didn’t look up the names. I know most of them off the top of my head, but I’m lazy and just remember that these movies were directed by someone.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Girl with a Dragon Tattoo

Young Adult

Attack the Block

Source Code

The Future

Immortals

Martha Marcy May Marlene

Essentially, I think action directors get little to no credit in filmmaking. Sure, it is difficult to director drama and I’m not saying that, but I doubt whoever directed The Iron Lady did nearly as much as Tarsem Singh did with Immortals. That movie is a feast for your eyes and insatiable sex/blood lust. It is a wild frenzy of a movie. Meanwhile, are you telling me that The Iron Lady wasn’t really just point and shoot at Meryl Streep? I think action movies deserve a ton of credit especially good ones. There is a huge difference between what Justin Lin accomplished in Fast Five than what was previously accomplished in the other movies. This was an entertainment explosion for literally ANYONE. If you had seen or hadn’t seen the other movies – who cares?! That movie was just a riot from beginning to end and to do that with terrible actors like Vin Diesel and Paul Walker and to do that with a franchise that is pretty well known for being horrendous – it’s damn near unheard of. How many movie franchises do you know that gets a jolt of energy in the 5th one?!

I probably in the end would give it Refn for Drive because the overall feel of that movie is unique to itself and is done so tremendously.

What are your Oscar picks?!

Happy Wednesday! Or as I like to call it “I caught a VD on Valentine’s Day” day.

I actually don’t call today the above VD thing. I’m clean. Never had a VD, so start the line on the left, ladies, and let’s see if I can get one by my birthday. Hump day!

Anyway, I really only have two points of interest I want to highlight today because I’m in a bit of a rush…

The first being what I spent the past two evenings watching and tweeting…

THE WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW!!!!

Yes and yes. If you would like to relive the memories of my tweet-a-thon well go to www.twitter.com/jordan_is_ok  and cue up your 6 hours of DVRed Westminster dog show and look for any tweets hashtagged #Westminster and everything should be hilarious… but if you’re not doing that – let me spoil who won the show….

..

.

It was this little fucker…

THE SILLIEST DOG IN THE WORLD!!!!!

The pekingese named Malachy.

I wish someone would make a gif of this dog waddling because it is HYSTERICAL.

I imagine the dog breathes like it smokes 3 packs of cigarettes a day.

I also just want to pick up this hairy centipede looking dog and get right into its smushed up face and say…

YOU’RE THE SILLIEST DOG EVER AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!! … but I could learn to love you, Malachy.

Personally, I was rooting for that Dalmatian to win.

What else?

Well, the 16th President of the Greatest Country Ever will soon be portrayed as basically Buffy the Vampire Slayer…

I won’t lie at all, I’m seriously excited for this movie. I think there is a high probability that this movie will suck, but C’MON! At least, Hollywood is trying a little. I don’t remember any past movies featuring Abraham Lincoln killing vampires with an axe. Do you? Oh all Hollywood does is remakes. Well, this ain’t a remake. I don’t remember Humphrey Bogart wearing the stove pipe hat and beard and talking about the Emancipation Proclamation and then caving a vampire’s skull in with an AXE. So, I will see this movie with little hesitation.

As for the director, it is Timur Bekmambetov – well he directed Wanted and that sucked. He also directed two Russian action films titled Night Watch and Day Watch and they ruled. So there’s that.

I think that’s about it.

What else is going on?

Did you guys/gals do some dirty* on Valentine’s Day and want to talk about it?

*“dirty” could and should mean “sex”, but I’m starved for entertainment and would take Valentine’s Day stories about just about anything at this point, so really have fun blowing my mind with sex and/or boring stories of living life on a Tuesday.

Happy Tuesday!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Happy (Bobby) Valentine’s Day!

That’s right. You read that right. I’m 28 GOD DAMN years old and I’ve never met a “Valentine” in my life. I don’t know any “Valentine” Jackson or any “Valentine” Schumacker. And I don’t know any fat, little children, who dress like Socrates, and are out bow hunting. On top of that, they wouldn’t have any GD-ing wings neither. Who knows any kids with wings? I don’t! I’ve met some interesting little kids, but any none of them look like their daddy could’ve been part eagle. That’s what I’m saying. That’s what I know.

Valentine’s Day? VALENTINE’S DAY?! I know one damn “Valentine” and we’re going to talk about him.

BOBBY VALENTINE

I hope we’re talking about Bobby Valentine and not no chubby nekkid baby. Listen here, Bobby Valentine was a professional baseball player from 1969-1979. A few years after his journeyman career ended, Valentine began managing baseball teams, which started in 1985 with the Texas Rangers, famously continued with the New York Mets, and recently was selected as the manager for the Boston Red Sox starting this coming season.

I mean look at what this moh-tha-foq-ker accomplished! It’s all up in his wiki-everything-about-yo-ass-in-life-in-small-paragraphs-fo-easy-reading-pedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bobby_Valentine

ALSO! Bobby Valentine has said he invented “wraps”.

Yeah I said it! I fucking said IT!

That man! Right there! Invented those damn WRAPS! He’s a damn GENIUS! All flatbread rolling up your food for easy eating instead some crumbly ass, food sliding out the sides and shit, toasty pieces flaking off on your shirt and shit, stupid ass bread slices. I mean every punk bitch is eating those damn bread slices until he turned the sandwich industry on its damn head and showed us trick ass marks that we can eat a turkey, lettuce, tomato, some cheese, a little bacon, maybe some honey mustard, maybe a little hot sauce for some flavor… in a damn WRAP!

WRAPS! The motherfucker literally made something better than sliced bread. WRAPS! Of course, we should be celebrating this mofo. Wraps. He also did all that other ish in baseball and is still doing it with the Boston Red Sox this year. I mean what else has this MAN have got to do to get the respect of a nationally recognized holiday like (Bobby) Valentine’sDay?!

So, when you go out to lunch today. Have a wrap. Choose wrap for Valentine’s Day for the greatest Valentine of them all – Bobby V.

Happy (Bobby) Valentine’s Day!

I love each and everyone of you reading this with the tips of my fingers that are typing this craziness to the brain that thinks this shit up to the heart that keeps beating and waking me up every GOD DAMN morning to write this. I hope you all have a great day on this day and tomorrow when people aren’t trying to shove pink, red, and white M&M’s down your throat.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Happy Monday!

I hope you had an enjoyable weekend doing whatever you were doing and hopefully it was consensual. I spent much of my weekend fighting off the effects of booze, pancakes, and how comfortable couches are especially when you are wearing a pair of sweat pants and it’s cold outside. So… pretty much every weekend was like this past weekend for me. No football though and I’ll just say that because if I think about football for too long I get depressed like she was my favorite girlfriend who got hit by a bus in front of me while I was down on one knee asking her to be wife. It’s that bad. I don’t know why I thought proposing to her in the middle of the road was a good idea, but I just know I loved football and I couldn’t stand not being engaged to her any longer. Enough about football. I do have MMA/UFC which is like a hot stripper or bartender with big fake boobs as my new girlfriend, but she only seems me when she’s feeling horny and doesn’t like when I get clingy and want to take her to brunch or a movie. Basketball is floating around especially with Jeremy Lin, but at this point that is just like a flirty text relationship at best. I mean the playoffs don’t start until April something and that’s 2 months away. We’ll see if I can keep being clever with my tweets, facebook updates, “SMS” (whatever the hell that is iPhone) messages and same goes for her. Anyway… there’s definitely something lacking without football. But she will rise again like Lazarus at the end of the Summer and into the beginning of the Fall enchant me once again.

Now onto the…

GRAMMYS!!!!!

Whitney… Ray J… LL Cool J… me.

First and foremost, Whitney Houston died and I thought LL Cool J actually handled that incredibly well at the beginning of the Grammys. I watched two moments on the Grammys, the beginning intro with LL Cool J and his prayer, and I watched a bit near the end when the Foo Fighters and deadmau5 played at the same time, which was interesting, but stupid. I thought LL Cool J was a really random ass host choice for the Grammys considering he hasn’t put out new music in years as far as I’m concerned, but as far as I’m concerned the Grammys haven’t been relevant since I was in elementary school and before I lost my innocence thinking that award shows were giving awards to the actual BEST of that year – what a crazy kid I was. Anyway, I thought LL handled that delicate moment very well. Sure, some people might think a bunch of Godless heathens and mostly a Jewish entertainment jobbed audience praying would be hypocritical or simply dumb, but I think LL Cool J prays and licks his lips and believes it, so well done to that man.

As for Whitney, the internet has already done a wonderful job memorializing her.  From sending around videos and isolated solo tracks to her greatest recorded performances… well that’s actually all they needed to do. Whitney Houston was a singer and people are listening to her sing. No drama or personal struggle discussions about a woman most people never met, but just talking and listening to her voice. That’s all that needed to be done. Rewatch Whitney’s performance of the Star Spangled Banner at Super Bowl XXV – it will give you chills and most likely make you tear up.

So, that’s done. What’s next? Oh right! PICTURE TIME!!!!!! PICTURE TIME!!!!!!

RED CARPET ZANINESS!!!!!!!

W.O.W.

That seems about right. That’s Nicki Minaj dressed as Catherine Hardwicke’s Red Riding Rood 2: From the Streetz Yo! I give Nicki Minaj all the credit in the world for this ridiculous outfit. She went the full 9 yards or whatever for it. Not only is she dressed in this absurd outfit, but she did up her hair to match it, and, of course, she’s got some random ass old white man to play the fucking Pope with her. I didn’t know the Pope had anything to do with Red Riding Hood, but I didn’t see that new movie and maybe it’s in there and maybe Nicki Minaj is just a big bootied nut job. I do enjoy her as a human being physically and crazily. I’m kind of over her rapping though at this point. I haven’t heard a song of hers in a bit that I’ve enjoyed thoroughly.

Also, I’m not sure, but is that Whitney Houston on the dress? Did Nicki Minaj pay some day laborer or an old grandmother or some famous fashion designers poor intern who went to Vassar to spend all day and night on Sunday hand stitching and bedazzling the recently deceased voice of Newark, NJ’s face on the skirt of red dress? If so, I may have to propose to Nicki Minaj at a busy intersection like I do. Let’s get a better shot at this enigma’s face…

So that’s not Whitney Houston, is it? Uhhhh… Who is that? Is that Whitney? It doesn’t really look like Whitney. Is that Erykah Badu? I have no idea who that is. Did Nicki address who is on her dress?

Either way, what the fuck, Nicki? I didn’t watch the Grammys really, so she could’ve performed or changed outfits, but when I see Nicki Minaj I like to see her booty and her chesticles… actually that’s how I feel about 99% of the women out there in the world because I mean why not. I can still find out what your first dog’s name was and that you had a crush on Scott Baio until you were 22 even if your booty and booby is showing. I can ogle and listen at the same time.

I can see London, I can see France, I can see Fergie’s underpants.

This is the type of outfit I’m talking about. Seriously, well done, Fergie. Yes, you’re wearing a dress and, yes, you’re really only wearing underwear because that dress doesn’t cover anything – brilliant. I wish this was how Fergie always dressed. I also wish that she gave up singing and the Black Eyed Peas would slowly fade away like a vile fart after consuming nachos into the wind.

Juggs! Good GOD! It’s like she’s got elephantitis of the boobs and that’s absolutely the greatest disease of all time I’m guessing. They just get bigger and bigger. It must take everyone’s will power not to simply lunge and squeeze them like stress balls. Blue hair, black hair, pink hair – who care? I don’t. As long as she just keeps rubbing down her boobs slowly ever evening for an hour or two with coco butter. That’s what I imagine she does. From 8-9pm every night, Katy Perry sits at the edge of her bed or stands in front of a mirror in her bathroom just massaging those beauties with the world’s most expensive oils and luxurious butters. Nothing weird about that.

I can’t make fun of Taylor Swift. She looks too fragile. Like real fragile… like an actual “China doll”. That’s her, right? That isn’t just a life size replica made of the thinnest porcelain? She looks so young here too. Super young. Like younger than I’ve ever seen her look young. Also, she looks like she’s completely stiff like a statue. They should’ve given away Taylor Swift as the award instead of some stupid sousaphone or whatever. Did Adele win the top award? Give Taylor Swift to Adele anyway. Just do it. I mean they’re both just sitting around shitting on them men who hurt them anyway. Maybe they can take care of each other. I’d watch at least two episodes of that TV show – Adele and Taylor Swift living together.

Crazy. Hot. Crazy Hot.

What needs to be said about Rhianna? Nothing really. I mean I think I said it already with the crazy and the hot thing. If she wants to be with Chris Brown then let her. She seems to be about the only person who doesn’t care that he beat her and lord knows no sane man will try to take Rhianna away from Chris Brown because that would mean a never ending violent altercation with Chris Brown AS WELL AS Rhianna because she’s so crazy she would fight alongside with him.

What the Hell? Snooki, for a minute, could you not be “Snooki”? No? Ok. This is absolutely what I think Snooki looked like in whatever dance she first went to in middle school. I think she just dug this out of the closet and put it on.

How did she make it through security? Do you see the “guns” (not her boobs) on her? Also, do you see the “guns” (boobs) on her? I read she’s a Russian electronic artist and that’s exactly what I would think a Russian electronic artist would look like, so well done – whomever you are. She’s like a jacked Lady Gaga.

For such an emotional singer, Adele always looks vacant to me. Maybe she’s so spent from pouring it all out in her singing, but every picture of her looks like she’s possibly popping a valium a minute prior to it. I read she killed it singing last night, which isn’t surprising. She did have one of the 5 albums I could name from last year that I thought should win an award. Also, I do like all those dance remixes of her songs like everyone else with ears. I wish they would do videos for those songs, so I could see Adele dance. Yes, I want to see Adele dance. I want to see this bitch having fun instead of her crying around some empty apartment that has a grande piano. I also want her to wear a dress that isn’t part turtleneck. Let’s see a little cleavage, Adele. I mean look at Aretha Franklin for a minute – can you see her? The woman is like 100 or something and she shows off about as much booby as bikini model and we still r-e-s-p-e-c-t her for her voice. Let Aretha give you some fashion advice – cleavage never goes out of style.

Jessie J kind of looks like Rosario Dawson, which is definitely a good thing. Also, she wrote and recorded the best Katy Perry song “Domino”. Every time that damn song starts playing on the radio I think to myself, “Another new Katy Perry song? Hmmm… this one sounds pretty good though. Maybe you are a talented pop singer and not just a heavenly pair of… did she just sing something about a ‘domino’? DAMN IT! You did it to me again, Jessie J.” Anyway, I do like that song and I do think it sounds IDENTICAL to Katy Perry, but it’s better.

Kelly’s face looks less Sepia, her hair is just as purple/silver, but she looks more normal at this awards show than the last. What was the last one she was at? I can’t remember which is which anymore. But she looked older than her own mother and Kathy Griffin. Hmmmm… anyway. I imagine if I listened to Kelly talk I would want to drive a spike through my head just as much as I did when her family had their reality show, but she has grown up to be a lot sexier than I would have ever expected. She’s kind of this two step forward one step back thing with her muddying up her face no reason and the hair color choice that makes her seem like a crazy old drunk woman, but what the Hell do I know. Maybe that’s the “in” thing to do in England. Is she even in England? Can I still blame England? Is she just living in Los Angeles and coming up with these crazy ideas there? I don’t know. One day… one day soon… Kelly Osbourne is going to do a photo shoot for Maxim or something and it will set fire to all my previous thoughts about her.

I have got to love Swizz Beatz now and for always because he lasso-ed himself Alicia Keys. Way to go hombre. He should go in a Hall of Fame for Men because of this. I don’t know who I would’ve guessed would end up with Alicia, maybe an athlete, but I wouldn’t have guessed Swizz Beatz. I love it. Good luck to Swizz. She is a beautiful and talented woman. I would carry pepper spray and a stun gun if I was Swizz because I bet dudes just hit on Alicia right in front of Swizz. I wouldn’t try to fight those men … BEFORE I pepper spray and stun gun them. This isn’t a sport, holmes. If you’re hitting on my lady in front of me then anything goes. Try and be the bigger man when your eyeballs be burning and I’m zapping you in the nuts with 10,000 volts of handheld lightning!

He’s a psychotic. He wants to legalize all drugs. That’s the truth. Tony Bennett said in light of Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse, and Whitney Houston dying from seemingly drug overdose that we should legalize all drugs. From the article I read, it didn’t sound like he was being sarcastic. I don’t understand his line of zero-logic in the least bit. He added that they were getting their drugs prescribed to them by doctors and weren’t going to drug dealers for them as well. Ok. And what does that have to do with legalizing drugs? How about in light of all these drug overdoses… we should really crack down on drug use even more… or if the doctors are to blame then crack down more on how they prescribe these drugs to their patients. Why legalize all drugs? The man is a crazy person and he’s an old crazy person, so why are we asking him about anything? Just keep crooning the same songs you’ve been crooning for 150 years and keep your policing policies to yourself, Tony.

Even for a guy like Adam Levine who is constantly trying to prove how “straight” he is, this is a bit fucking much. Everything about Adam Levine is kind of gay. His music, the way he looks, how he acts, but he’s supposedly straight and banging this blonde model and she’s basically just showing her vagina to everyone saying “this is where he sticks it”. I’m all for indecency, but you kind of want to keep your vagina a little covered. I mean this is the Grammys and all and these people are the cleanest, I’m sure picking up a UTI from having your vagina touch the same seat that Lil’ Wayne was just sitting in is a real problem like every second you’re there.

Looks like deadmau5 got dressed in his tuxedo mouse head. Was he nominated for something? Is there a best DJ category? Honestly, at this point there should be. I do like deadmau5 or some of the things he’s done. I really didn’t like the “help” he provided on Foo Fighter’s “Rope”. I thought that sounded kind of atrocious. Either way, I would have hated sitting behind deadmau5… actually I wouldn’t have cared that I couldn’t see the stage if he let me have some of the drugs he must be on now and always.

This is possibly the only picture of Robyn that evening where her vagina wasn’t showing. What kind of outfit is this? Are those Timberlands? I sincerely hope she is this crazy and put this together and not that she paid someone to put this together for her. If she did… WHERE DO I SIGN UP TO BE AN ASSHOLE FASHION DESIGNER?! I can think of this shit too. I can dress you up to look like a fucking idiot just as good as someone else.

Looks like Jennifer Aniston. Doesn’t she? That’s not a bad thing because Jennifer Aniston is a great looking lady. She just doesn’t look like Julieanne Hough and Ms. Hough is a great looking lady in her own right. But she does look like she just walked out of a Friends poster.

I fucking love it. I love David Guetta. I love all the things that he chooses to do in his life. Every choice he makes is a beautiful and perfect one in my opinion – including this lady who is his wife and also took his last name. She’s a really good looking woman and all, but the thing I like the best is she looks possibly normal and that she is wearing this wild outfit because she’s going to an awards show with her crazy ass husband and she has to match him or he chose this for her like, “hey honey, do you want to wear that all black leather jump suit I got you for your birthday last year that you don’t wear and those yellow ruffle high heels I got you as well that you don’t wear?” and she’s like sure because it’s his big night and she loves him and now they’re on my top ten list of favorite couples ever.

Do you remember her? Her from last year’s Grammy’s when she destroyed the hearts of everyone ever? She’s back! Do you remember her name? I do. It is ingrained in my brain forever because of last year’s Grammys. Do you remember it though? Every hip person on Earth tried to justify her winning that award of Sir Bieber, but do they even remember who she is now? Did she come out with a new album that no one listened to this year or did she show up to just dig that knife in even deeper to the backs of all the broken hearted people from last year? She is very very pretty though. More pretty than Sir Bieber and he’s actually pretty pretty himself.

I was happier when I didn’t know what Skrillex was or looked like. I’m going to go back to pretending that Skrillex is some artificial intelligence DJ machine in an abandoned basement in Stockholm instead of this dude dressed in Girl with a Dragon Tattoo cosplay.

Why the fuck not? I would too. If I was black and a rapper or an athlete, I would date Amber Rose for that 3 month window that she gives black athlete/rappers as well. Why the eff not? As for Wiz… well… he still hasn’t proven me wrong with being a one hit wonder yet in my opinion. I have heard a few other songs from him, but they’re nothing special. “Black and Yellow” was incredible and will live on forever, but Wiz should get real comfortable with people taking bathroom breaks during any live performance of any other song.

Since Seal and Heidi Klum broke up, Ice-T and Coco have entered the top 10 favorite celebrities couples on Earth for me. I also just threw David Guetta and his wife Cathy in there too, so I’ve got to re-think this list. But I love Coco and Ice-T. Did everyone see that picture of Coco nekkid with her new born nephew? What in the Hell was that about? I don’t know, but I love it. Ice-T is an incredible man who was one of the first, if not the first in some people’s opinions, gangster rappers, he was unquestionably an actual pimp, helped create rap-rock (for good or for bad), has indoctrinated himself into the American television world as a working actor for about a decade, and he settled down and married COCO. He’s a hysterical individual and I hope the two of them have a lasting marriage. It warms my heart knowing these two are out there possibly eating breakfast together and discussing stupid shit like the rest of us.

I don’t know who or what this is.

I don’t know who or what this is.

Sammy Hagar looks taller than usual. Val Kilmer should seriously release what his daily routine is and has been for the past 5 years, so that people know that you shouldn’t do it. Good God! What’s that bullshit about men aging gracefully? Hey ladies, this dude was the cat’s pajamas for almost 20 years and now look at his ass. Last night, the movie The Saint was on and I can’t even flip it on for a second because it would literally drive me to tears knowing this is how that man turned out. How cruel life and possibly eating chocolate pudding all day with rum & cokes can be? So cruel. Also, I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that I look better than Val Kilmer and be serious about it, but with little doing by myself – I think I’m more attractive than Val Kilmer at this point.

Why the fuck not, Rebecca Black? Looking good too. You squeeze every fucking second out of that 15 minutes of fame. And get knocked up by a Jonas brother or something while you’re there. Keep that career going.

Quick story: I saw Tia in person once. Gorgeous. Her husband was quite effeminate. I didn’t know what to say to Tia, so I didn’t say anything. Then I came home to Philly and my buddy said to me, “Did you ask her about ‘Crucial Taunt’?” And I was like, “FUCK!!!! THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID!” I don’t know if Tia gets that a lot or at all, but if I had a shot at sleeping with Tia Carrere then it probably would have started with a conversation referencing something like Crucial Taunt. And what was her husband going to do about it? Help me go buy a better wardrobe? Actually, that would’ve been nice too.

This brought a tear to my eye. I want to watch you on TV! GET ME THAT SHOW BACK! Usually I just sigh uncontrollably when I see a picture of Alison Brie, but with Community gone it is difficult to see any of the cast members and claw at the ground screaming, “WHY NBC?! WHY?!”

Skylar Grey… what is this shit? I didn’t know this is what she looked like. C’mon lady. You know that you could look better if you didn’t TRY to look weird. Also, I’m not sure what the deal with Skylar is anyway. She sang “Love the Way You Lie”, but then Rhianna sings it in that Eminem song or something. I don’t know or really care. I heard that song so many damn times I hope I never hear it again.

Someone needs to test Pat Smear for HGH. HE’S HUGE! Look at him. What the Hell? He looks like Barry Bonds.

I love the Foo Fighters and even more so love Dave Grohl. So, all I wanted to say is that Pat Smear looks like he could possibly be the man behind the skeleton mask of La Parka the luchador “chairman of the WCW”. If you get that reference then I’m willing to at least marry you for 6 months to a year.

..

.

Ok here it is…

Happy Monday!

Happy FRIDAY!!!!

FUCK YIZ-YAH!!!! IT’S THE WEEKEND!!!!

What a boring ass week of assness? Am I right? What is this bullshit week’s problem?

Hmmmm… what even happened this week?

Well, last night, 30 Rock fucked America once again by having an hour long episode resulting in Parks and Rec not being on the air.

WTF!

All I wanted was some funny and refreshing Parks and Rec to sweep away all my sadness and by sadness I mean boringness this week. But fucking 30 Rock needed a ONE HOUR episode. Why? I have a difficult time getting through 30 minutes of 30 Rock most weeks for the past couple years let alone an hour of it. Oh, am I supposed to want to see an hour of it because James Marsden is on? Riiiiiiight. Punk ass bitches taking away my Parks and Rec.

What was on next?

The Office! I did enjoy The Office for the most part. Kind of a slow episode because they were setting up the next episodes more. The best parts of the episode were two fold:

1. Craig T. Robinson. I don’t know if “T.” is Craig’s middle initial, but I’m sticking by that for this moment. Craig is always funny and the budding relationship between him and his new cast of warehouse co-workers is the best part of the show. I kind of wish there was a spin-off of that show where we just hung out with Craig in the warehouse dealing with the shit that they get into there.

2. Ellie Kemper’s boobs. Did you watch last night’s episode?! Not that they are particularly small in any way in other episodes, but for some reason they looked “enhanced” in last night’s episode, which was a real thrill for me and especially during this boring ass week. Also, Ellie has been great playing jealous over Ed Helms’ relationship throughout this season. Can’t wait to see what she gets into in this Florida arc… possibly the bigger looking boobs will stay.

WTF else happened?

I watched the Jersey Shore. First half of the episode was pretty boring. I still don’t know how Vinny and Pauly get two chicks to come back to their house to have sex with them, they sign a release to let their faces be shown on camera, and have the sex like an inch from each other. These girls that have sex with have got to be the biggest whores in all of Seaside. Seriously?! You are fucking a guy from Jersey Shore. You’re fucking him in a bed that is touching another bed where another Jersey Shore guy is fucking a girl you don’t know either. Crazy whores!

The least whorish person in Jersey Shore right now is J-Woww. She has the least amount of sex out of all of them and is in a committed relationship to Roger. She dresses whorey, but so does every other chick in Seaside bumping and grinding in those clubs. Who is the second least whorish? Sammi fucking “Sweetheart”. Committed relationship to Ronnie -no idea why – and that’s the fuck it. It doesn’t even seem like she leaves the house in most episodes. Also, these chicks have jobs. Not a particularly tough or many houred job, but a job nonetheless.

You could even say Snooki isn’t that whorey or at least this season, but she does seem real dirty. Just simply unclean. And Deena even more so.

As for the guys? I cannot hate The Situation for as much as I know I am supposed to. He’s too funny. He’s a sociopath, but he’s a sociopath who I don’t interact with, so I love him for it.

WTF else?

THE TREE OF LIFE?! Are you fucking kidding me?!

I watched the first 55 minutes of The Tree of Life last night and all I can say was that I wasn’t NEARLY HIGH ENOUGH for it. There is no way you should watch this movie not high. I’m not talking drunk. Being drunk and watching that movie wouldn’t be worth it. It’s not the type of skew you need to watch this. I had a slight high going because of the love of my life Ambien, but GOOD GOD IT WASN’T ENOUGH. You really need to be really high to at least watch the first 55 minutes of it.

I don’t know what the next hour or so has in store, but I would be SHOCKED to think you should be sober for it.

What happened in the first 55 minutes?

Well, almost no one spoke a word. I read articles about how Terrence Malick didn’t have a script and it was all improved and so forth and how Sean Penn got all pissy about that or whatever. But there was no need for a script because NO ONE SAID A FUCKING WORD! You don’t need to memorize lines when you HAVE NONE. I would venture to guess there were less than 2 minutes of dialogue over the course of that 55 minutes. The rest was color explosions and music. Not even Explosions in the Sky kind of music that has a story telling element… just music. Nice music, but music in general. Just some wandering symphony music and the explosions of color.

The movie starts with you meeting a family and they have three kids. Then fast forward to the future where Sean Penn is one of those kids and he’s thinking back about being one of those kids. Then we’re back in the past and one of the kids seemingly dies. How he dies? Well, I’m guessing the second hour explains that because instead of finding out how the kid dies… WE GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF MOTHERFUCKING TIME AND THE BEGINNING OF EXISTENCE!!! LIKE BIG BANG EXISTENCE!!!! Which then takes a detour and skips ahead to when THE DINOSAURS ROAMED THE FUCKING EARTH!!!! And then we see the asteroid hit the Earth and cause the ICE AGE!!!! And then it jumps to the period of time when Brad Pitt was putting babies into Jessica Chastain. Then we get another montage of them raising the three kids up until the time of life that one of them seemingly dies from something.

That’s the first 55 minutes of this movie.

I’m a huge Terrence Malick fan and I’ll watch the second half of this movie, but as of right now I feel like he’s trying to do a 2001: A Space Odyssey type of thing and I’m not into it.

Anyway, that’s what I did yesterday.

What did you do?

What are your plans for this weekend?

Can I come?

Is there room?

I’m 6’3″ or 6’4″, so I can’t sit in the trunk of your station wagon. I’ll need a window seat at the very least.

Will there be snacks provided? Or should I bring my own?

I will make a mix CD for this field trip if that’s needed.

This song will be on the mix…

And that’s that…

I hope you have a great weekend.

I hope next week is better than this one.

I hope you have a dream where you are riding a dinosaur while shooting a laser gun and I’m there too riding along with you wielding lightsabers wearing a cowboy hat and a tuxedo jacket.

World peace.

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