Happy Thursday!

As the title of this post suggests, we (mostly by me though) will breakdown the teaser for hopefully the last ever Twilight movie forever and ever. PLEASE LORD JUH-HO-SE-PHET (real Lord you can pray to too) MAKE SURE THE STARS NEVER ALIGN OR THAT ANY HOLLYWOOD MOVIE PRODUCERS GET THE IDEA TO MAKE MORE OF THESE HORRIBLE YOU FORSAKEN MOVIES! I WILL SACRIFICE COWS (cheeseburgers), I WILL SACRIFICE PIGS (bacon cheeseburgers), I’LL EVEN CONSIDER EATING LIKE A SPINACH LEAF OR TWO IF YOU CAN SWEAR TO MAKE SURE NONE MORE OF THESE STUPID, IDIOTIC, AND COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY RIDICULOUS MOVIES EVER GET MADE! Praise to Jesus, Allah, Yahweh, Shiva, former President and college football player Gerald Ford, and whoever else you got up there. Thank you. End of impromptu Tebow style prayer.

I have a hard time not rolling my eyes and/or openly laughing at all things Twilight, so when I was sitting second row and a mere 7 feet from movie screen to my eyeballs when I saw Hunger Games and the newest Twilight teaser came on, I almost had an eyeball rolling/laughing seizure.

First, I can’t believe these movies are still being made. I get that they are financially very successful, but from what I’ve seen or heard that happens in them – it should’ve taken a long weekend to film and then been done with it.

Second, the hilarity of how cheesy these movies all look in real life from what I’m guessing didn’t seem as cheesy in your head still baffles the hell out of me. But whatever… let’s fucking talk about it.

Here’s the teaser trailer on the Youtube. If you haven’t seen it, take a gander then join us all with the shot by shot storyboard breakdown I’m prepared to give you below. It’s short, but it’s no less entertaining because it looks terrible in the same way all these movies have looked terrible. I still don’t understand why they switched directors when all of the movies look exactly the same. They never improved a damn thing from one to another. Nikki Reed still looked like she was wearing a mop on her head in the trailers of the last one.

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This is kind of standard stuff. It’s telling you that what you’re about to see is a “preview” of a movie that people of the Motion Picture Association of America deem acceptable for you to see, which goes to show you how terrible these people are at their jobs. Seriously? This? Again? You’re allowing America and other countries to see a FIFTH one of these movies?! For shame!

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Here we are in the misty mountains of Twilightville, which is where we all know the Twilight movies take place. Twilightville is the home of the Twilightville High School where our fabled underage and way overage lovers first met in science class – a tale as romantic as any… penned by some bored chick in science class in high school. Ahhh, Twilightville, you’ve never looked so tree-y. Apparently, if I wanted to date some ordinary girl then I should go aimlessly wonder through the nearest forest instead of hitting up OkCupid. Out there amongst the trees, girls are free to lay in holes and do other things.

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There it is! Our first shot of Bella’s weddin… hmmmm… Is that a promise ring? Oh, I’m sorry – a vampire promise ring? Doesn’t a wedding ring go on the other hand? Is that an egg? Is that to symbolize the fertilized egg with demon seed from the last movie? In this bit right here, this hand is just hanging out in the Sun light and I guess it’s shimmering or whatever, but it doesn’t look like anything in particular to me. Also, I’ll never forgive Twilight for making their vampires “shimmer” or whatever in sun light instead of EXPLODE INTO ASH AND FLAME like they’re supposed to.

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There she goes! Our favorite completely odd on every level heroine – Bella! This is kind of an unsanctioned track meet for the Twilightville cross country team. Actually, it’s just another stupid scene in the woods. I have a good to great feeling that Stephanie Meyer ate many of her school lunches in the comforts of the woods behind her school because she was a weirdo and did that instead of talking to people like people do. Run, Bella, run!

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As you can see here, Bella has rousted some birds from their tree because that’s what people with super powers do – fuss with birds. Wait to go, Bella! You gave those birds a good scare. Now, do you want to go raise that newborn child of yours that will grow up to be 14 in like a week’s time and then get pounded out by your creepy-ass wolf best friend? No? Ok. Yeah, you go play in the woods more. You’ve earned it.

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Speak of the pedophile. Here’s Jacob, surprisingly with his shirt on although the shirt is the nudest colored shirt ever, so it kind of looks like he is topless. It’s pretty funny how unfazed everyone in these movies are by events that are supposedly the craziest things that ever happen ever. They kind of get over the initial shock preeeeeettyyyyyy quickly. Oh there are violent vampires in Twilightville, oh Bella’s almost died because she sucks, oh Jacob’s now a werewolf and his werewolf crew are going to have to fight the vampires now, oh Bella’s doing something in the woods, oh we’re in Italy or something, oh Bella’s married, oh Bella’s preggers, oh Bella’s giving birth to a demon baby, oh Bella’s a vampire. Every trailer previous to this one has been like, _____ happened and we all know because of ______ that that means we have to go to war! Then they never go to war and they still text each other. I think they all have ADD.

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There he is! The geisha make-uped husband/baby’s daddy of the night, Ed. He’s so dreamy with his cold skin and stark white complexion. I also would like to venture a guess that either Stephanie Meyer’s first and only kiss was with some alopecia having albino or she never kissed a guy ever and couldn’t think of how it would be. I picture Stephanie as Steve Carell in 40 Year Old Virgin trying to describe to the other guys what a woman’s boobs feel like.

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YES! BELLA IS NOW A LAB MOUSE WHO GETS PUT INTO MAZES OR FED TO SNAKES! She’s pale white, she’s got red eyes – I mean Stephanie Meyer may have lost her “7 Minutes in Heaven” virginity to the town albino. I’m picturing that seen in Teen Wolf where the popular kids and Stiles (who was not popular at school, but threw the best and most heavily attended parties – explain that director Rod Daniel) are just shoving kids into the closet. I picture they just shoved the two oddities being the albino, who was an outcast because they are teenagers and they’re not well-versed in pre-existing medical conditions and how there shouldn’t be any prejudice about them, and Stephanie, who ate lunch in the woods talking to the trees.

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There it is! Fucking, yes! It’s the last one! Right? PLEASE! Please be the last one!

I don’t think I can take another one of these.

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Oh. What’s this? We’re not done? A little post title epilogue to this 40 second teaser. Hmmm… interesting.

A deer? Why would there be a deer? It seems like a real non-sequitor here. A shot of Bella’s eyes to confirm that she’s a vampire and then a shot of a deer running in the forEST! WAIT A SECOND! NO! I know what this is! No, Stephanie Meyer! No, Bella! This is not ok! Leave that deer alone!

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AHHHHHH!!!!! STOP IT!

These are the DUMBEST movies. First thing you do once getting vampire powers is to go deer hunting? Aren’t girls supposed to like deer? So, you meet the guy of your dreams who is a total lecherous creep and he puts a kid in you by the time you’re 21 or earlier and then turns you into a mythical nightmarish creature (the vampire, not the preggers thing… although…) and all of a sudden you get your shits and giggles thrill killing Bambi? Is that the message of these movies?

Girls are fucking WEIRD.

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This is my holy date. It better be the end. I know that the world is supposed to end in December of this year, but it will really be my end of days if they come out with a Twilight 6.

Stupidest movies ever.

There’s your breakdown. You’re welcome.

Happy Wednesday!

Happy Hump Day! For all the would-be humpers or possible humpers or people I want to hump, let me give a quick shoutout to the website www.meinmyplace.com . Let’s just say, I spent an inexplicable amount of time yesterday looking through I think every photo they have taken. Wow. I first saw their work on the www.esquire.com and wrongly thought the credit should go to Esquire. I saw there were a number of photo galleries with celebrities like Ari Gaynor (blonde sidekick in several rom coms), Kristina Bowden (ditsy secretary on 30 Rock), and, most recently, Krysten Ritter (chick from the commercials of Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apartment 23 and/or the girl who dies in Breaking Bad). I loved the photos. It was them in an apartment or house just lounging around sexily in underwear, a sheer t-shirt and underwear, tank-top/no bra/thong – all the classics. But yesterday I finally noticed that Esquire didn’t shoot those pictures, but the website Me In My Place did and they do them for Esquire. I zip over to MiMP and I am met with a vast ocean of similar style pictures, but with just as breathtaking unknown chicks from seemingly the streets of New York City.

Seriously, in this world of magazine photographers’ over indulgence of run-of-the-mill celebrities dressed in corsets, Marilyn Manson make-up, set against a backdrop of either a strip club from Tron or an abandoned castle operated by tigers – it is crazy refreshing to simply see a picture of a girl looking hot and sitting on her couch in the daylight. The website is kind of like the Suicide Girls if they weren’t so “suicidal” were more into watching Netflix and taking 6 hours to watch The Artist because you’re too busy humping every 20 minutes. Sounds like heaven.

Anyway… let’s talk aboutGame of Thrones and their fantasy of dragons, zombies, and whatever else George R.R. Martin has in store for us in Season 2.

YES!!!

‘GAME OF THRONESIS BACK!!!!

It was only a week ago that we said goodbye to Rick, his shitty wife Lori, their worst son in the world Carl, and the gang of the slowest moving zombie apocalypse survivors ever from The Walking Dead. Now! This weekend! We get to fall in the loving embrace of the drunk foulmouthed dwarf Tyrion, the biggest douche in TV history Joffrey, those rascally Stark children, everyone’s favorite dragonblooded nympho Daenerys, and multiple countries worth of people who have absolutely no care in the world that ‘winter is coming’ or with that ‘winter’ comes seemingly with an undefeatable magical white zombie army that will kill everyone. YES! Oh thank you, Lord, for this television!

Last season of GoT, I did a drinking game based off the first few episodes I had seen. I think the drinking game was crazy appropriate considering I never read a page of the books or ventured to the wikipedia or anything. Here is the original list:

Take a shot/drink:

– if someone is killed within the episode they have first appeared in

– if someone is having doggystyle sex

– if incest is happening on your TV

– if a chick is nude

– if you think to yourself “I want a dire wolf”

– if you think to yourself “That dude has great hair”

– if they announce another clan’s house that you have never heard of

– if a character’s name you have forgot appears on screen, but you know everything else about them – just not their name

– if the Dothraki (the muscular tan horse warrior barbarian guys) do something that makes you think they’re ripping off the Klingons from Star Trek

– if the word “bastard” is spoken

– If you laugh when someone refers to Sean Bean’s character as “Ned”

– if someone brandishes a sword, but never uses it

– if they mention “the winter”

– if you think someone is speaking in a British accent, but they’re not

– if there is dragon talk

Seriously?! This is still crazy applicable for everything that will happen in the second season … except for the one specific to Sean Bean because he’s fucking dead. Should I say “spoilers” even though that was mentioned on the internet a gazillion times over in the past year, it would be like saying “spoilers” Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s dad. I still stand by this drinking game and if you do use it, you’ll probably die because a lot of that stuff happens time and time again throughout the books.

Since the first season, I have read the 5 FIVE FIVE books of this book series and would like to present a few additional drinking game notes. This second season should be focused on the second book A Clash of Kings just mentioning for the hell of it.

– if magic happens, but you’re hoping they explain it with science

– if you root for the direwolves more than the people

– if you think being in the Night’s Watch might not be so bad considering all they eat are “rashers of bacon”

– if Dany reminds you of the sexiest Moses

– if you catch yourself yelling at the TV about how much you hate Joffrey

– if you want more Roose Bolton

– if you want more Davos

– if Jorah acts or tells a story where he puts the pussy on a pedestal

– if you wonder if everyone is fucking stupid for not being able to tell a girl from a boy

– if you wish the show was completely about Tyrion

– if you think to yourself “damn this is one long ass Fall”

– if you mumble to yourself, “just fucking show everyone the fucking dragons and game over – check mate”

Those are my newest additions…

I think this season will be even better than last season simply because the second book is better than the first in my opinion. I’m expecting to really love the new additions to the cast like the mentioned Davos and I’m expecting to put my foot through my TV over how angry Joffrey makes me. JUST FUCKING KILL THAT KID ALREADY!

I will be watching Mad Men on Sundays, but to fill that fantasy violence void – Game of Thrones, thank you.

Happy Tuesday!

I hope you are grabbing life by its horns and riding it like the devil headed monster roller coaster that it is. I guess life really is quite the demon when describe it to have horns. I guess people could say that life is a bull, but I’ve seen enough video tape out there to realize that riding a bull is impossible. 8 seconds? If 8 seconds is a long time to you then you must be the greatest date of all time. Nope, life is a horned demon that has a built in saddle and is easier to ride than a bull. But why? Why? Why can’t we be grabbing the majestic honey and lavender smelling mane of a nubile teenager drunk on jager and margaritas and fresh off her first wet t-shirt contest victory at Spring Break in Daytona Florida? That sounds more pleasant.

What’s new with me?

Well, honestly, I think a lot about Tim Tebow.

I think about how arguably the nicest guy in all of professional sports was so quickly turned into a villain and will soon be corrupted by New York City and the Jets. I mean we took a guy who is building hospitals in the Philippines out of his own pocket and we’re sending him into the middle of Jay-Z’s “Empire State of Mind”:

Lights is blinding, girls need blinders
so they can step out of bounds quick, the sidelines is
lined with casualties, who sip to life casually
then gradually become worse, don’t bite the apple eve

Clearly, Tebow is the bright eyed and bushy tailed young lass who enters New York City with only a thought and a few prayers and is quickly turned into a mindless prostitute.

Caught up in the in-crowd, now you’re in style
Anna Wintour gets cold, in Vogue with your skin out
City of sin, it’s a pity on the wind
Good girls gone bad, the city’s filled with them
Mami took a bus trip, now she got her bust out
Everybody ride her, just like a bus route

See! Right as we speak, there is a picture of Tim Tebow with his “bust out” right over the Lincoln Tunnel all done by Jockey underwear which Tebow is their spokesmodel! IT’S ALL HAPPENING! Tebow is a good girl who will gone band. Tebow’s got his bust out and then he’s going to get ridden like a bus route. He’s already being forced into giving press conferences that he doesn’t want to give. What’s next? Lap dances!?!?!?!?!

He would probably give a great lap dance. I mean it would be bad at first, but soon enough he would let the devil out (not his penis) and start doing what just comes naturally to him and next thing you know you’re seeing the real Tebow (his penis).

Hail Mary to the city, you’re a virgin
And Jesus can’t save you, life starts when the church end
Came here for school, graduated to the high life
Ball players, rap stars, addicted to the limelight
MDMA got you feelin’ like a champion
The city never sleeps, better slip you an Ambien

There it is folks. There is the road map to Tebow’s destruction. He’s a virgin from the church who ends up chasing ball players and rap stars and soon enough he’s addicted to MDMA and taking Ambien. … Well, the last part’s not bad. I take Ambien. I have no problems with Ambien. I mean taking Ambien may not be the best for you if you couple it with MDMA, ball players and rappers, but just on its own to make you go to sleep is ok. Sure, you hallucinate a little and possibly do some funny stuff, but that’s about it.

Truthfully, I don’t buy into that people have sleepwalked/drove themselves to KFC and bought chicken and found themselves sitting in their kitchen with a half eaten bucket of chicken and a half drunk bottle of Johnny Walker Blue label. I think that person just does that and blames Ambien.

What else?

I read that January Jones eats her own placenta. It’s easily the most disgusting thing I’ve ever read I think. And it makes me want to have sex with her like 1/100th less than I did before.

What else?

I’ve been enjoying Workaholics a ton on Netflix.

Also, I’m so happy Community is back.

And, Mad Men being back is cool too. The best part of the episode was easily the ZooBeeZooBeeZoo dance number Don’s new wife, Megan, gave Don as his birthday present…

Oh yeah, and then her later crawling around in her underwear was also amazing.

What else?

I’ve been listening to a lot of Phantogram recently…

I’m not entirely sure if I have a huge crush on this chick lead singer or I have a HUGE crush on her.

Also, I listened to a bunch of the dance party peoples’ albums like LMFAO and Calvin Harris. Pretty much whatever singles you’ve heard by them are the songs you need to know and leave the rest alone.

What else?

I watched 10 minutes of The Artist the other day. I’m sure I’ll go back to watch the other however many minutes, but whatever.

If I could find a copy of The Raid: Redemption online I would watch that shit in a heartbeat no matter what else I had to do. I’m sorry, grandma! But we’re going to have to wait to go to the hospital because I’m watching this Asian Action! … Actually in that story, I’m the one who needs to go to the hospital because my grandmothers are both dead, so I’m talking to a hallucination. Damn Ambien!

What else?

I’m now deciding whether or not I’m having a third cup of coffee. I drank one weak ass cup of coffee, followed by a good cup of coffee. I usually have two cups of coffee, but the first sucked balls. It’s quite the quandary.

What else?

I’ve been playing a lot of beer pong lately. I’m knock knock knocking on 30’s door and I’m playing beer pong every weekend.

American dream!

Eh…

I’m spent.

What are you up to?

Happy Monday!

We’re still here! Isn’t that amazing? I sometimes think it is. As if some ethereal force could just pull the plug on this whole situation because you’re not taking it seriously enough. You spent all Sunday playing beer pong, watching Tiger Woods win a tournament in several years, and snacked on bagel chips and hummus? And you’re almost 30?! Whatever, stupid ghost who kills people in their sleep.

Regardless, I am here and I did see Hunger Games on Saturday, so let’s chit chat about them.

HUNGER GAMES!

I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news.

BAD NEWS: Gary Ross need a fucking steadi-cam and fucking stat. Like buy it for him for his birthday, half-birthday, half-Christmas, Father’s day, Flag Day, Cinco de Mayo! WHENEVER IS THE EASIEST TIME TO PURCHASE THIS MAN A STEADI-CAM WILL BE BEST FOR EVERYONE!!!! I hate shaky camera work and I hate shaky intentional camera work. Sure, at times you can pass off a shaky sequence as “action”, but not all of them. I get that this movie was almost trying to be a 1st person narrative from Jennifer Lawrence/Katniss’ eyes, but she’s shakier than Michael J. Fox in an old car running on bad gas, which is driving through an Earthquake. Even the scene where Katniss is simply walking to get her blood taken at the beginning of the movie for “the Reaping” it is shakier than if she was in a life and death chance barrel roll chase down the Himalayas. Why, Gary? Why?

Too much handi-cam. Way too much. It easily ruined whatever choreographed fighting they were doing in the couple of scenes they were actually fighting.

Another aspect of the handi-cam and tight close-ups I didn’t like, there was rarely the opposite. There were sure fire moments in the movie that were supposed to be surreal and I think Gary Ross missed them because his camera was way too close to the action. For instance, the first Elizabeth Banks sighting. Early on, when everything you’ve seen up until that point is drab and and not colorful, when we see Banks and her ridiculousness it’s supposed to be a clash of cultures in every way shape and form. But the camera is about an inch away from Banks’ mouth that you can’t really see her clashing with anything because you really can’t see how absurd her whole outfit is against how bland everything else is.

With that being said, I think Ross did a better than average job with his technical directing and did a much better than average job in filmmaking because I liked the movie.

GOOD NEWS: I liked it.

As mentioned in the comments of Friday’s post, this movie really isn’t like Twilight. At all. It might have a lot of the same fans, but that’s like saying there are a lot of people who like Star Wars and also like Jaws. Ok? That’s good for them, but the movies are completely different and why people like them are completely different. As for Hunger Games, this movie is far from about romance. There’s really not much of it and the little that there is is better explained to be apart of the plot or nature of these “Hunger Games” than any of the simplistic/animalistic/repressed-sexual-frustrations of Twilight and the rampant amount of those two guys just taking their shirts off for no reason, which gets Bella and the viewers wet in the no-no zone.

All around the movie is treated a lot better and a lot more seriously than any of the Twilight crap. I felt like I was watching a movie that these people actually took time to make. That’s not always something you get yourself involved in. From 21 Jump Street to This Means War to Tron: Legacy – sometimes you feel like you’re spending more time watching the movie than they ever did making it.

People have been comparing the movie a lot to Battle Royale, which I get, but I don’t. Battle Royale is not trying to win you over in the ways that Hunger Games is. Battle Royale is bathing in its own blood and is happy about it, meanwhile Hunger Games is supposed to be a coming of age story. It’s a personal journey story and not “WE’RE BLOWING PEOPLE’S HEADS UP!!!! WOOOOO!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!” – that’s Battle Royale if you didn’t know. I can see the parallels with Battle Royale and I can see the parallels with The Running Man and I can see the parallels with Series 7: The Contenders. But the best parallels are with a seemingly lost 1969 classic that everyone should fucking see:

They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?

SEE THAT FUCKING MOVIE! Jane Fonda, Sydney Pollack, dance marathons! SEE IT! Please believe me! It is wonderful and is more similar than the other movies mentioned. But I digress…

I thought Jennifer Lawrence was great. I thought she was a great choice for the role. I looked up the other girls that were up for the role and it solidified it even more. I couldn’t see any of those other chicks actually winning the “Hunger Games”. Throughout Hunger Games everyone is telling Katniss that she is going to win it. They believe in her that she is going to win it. And you know what? Seeing Jennifer Lawrence – I believed it too. She is tall, she’s athletic looking, she’s serious, she’s sexy as hell, and she doesn’t look like she’s would just sit in a corner and cry or dig a hole in the woods and sleep in it because her boyfriend dumped her. That’s great casting because if they had cast Emma Roberts then I would not have bought her fighting to the death and possibly winning it. No, Emma Roberts would be dead in 10 seconds. Same goes for Abigail Breslin, Hailee Steinfeld, and so forth.

Some may say that Jennifer Lawrence is too old. Well, it says she’s 16, right? How about we just make her 18? Does that change anything for you in the book? What’s the big difference in that trilogy if she’s 18 and not 16? As you mull that over, a lot of ages in books don’t matter in the least bit. If any of you are enjoying Game of Thrones on television, take any of the characters on the show and make them about 10 years younger? Does that make the show better? How enjoyable would the show be if Jon Snow was 15? What if they cast a 15 year old to play Jon Snow? Would that be believable or would you not like the show as much or any of that? Because that is how the book is. And the book is wrong. It’s too young. He wants his character to be young, so he makes him young, but too young and none of it is believable that an actual 15 year old is having epic sword fights and such. Seriously, have you ever watched a Freshman basketball game? That is barely a sport. It’s a travesty.

MISC. NEWS: Lenny and Woody do good jobs. I still think Peeta could have been handled better. That kid needed to bulk up more or something. Thor’s brother is in the movie about 5 minutes longer than I am.

When watching the Peeta and Katniss cave scene, all I could think of wasJersey Shore. Gale is Jionni or maybe he’s J-Woww’s old boyfriend or whatever and they’re just sitting at home watching Snooki hook up with Vinny or J-Woww hooking up with DJ Pauly D. That’s what I was thinking about. It made me laugh.

I would’ve liked a little more talk about the tributes and what each was good at. I feel like we just assumed “Thresh” was strong and tough because he was muscular black guy. Yeah, he can handle himself. Why? Maybe he’s a gymnast. Maybe he’s that in shape because he’s a gymnast, but is a complete pacifist and cries when he gets a splinter. I don’t know! Also, “Kato” is kind of menacing, but the rest of the district 1 and 2 tributes get little screen time or explanation as why they are as terrifying as Kato is. He’s big, strong, and has a bloodlust. The rest of them just seem like his gal pals.

I also would’ve liked some more background on what the game producers/makers or whatever – the people inThe Truman Show headquarters – were capable of. The dogs, the bees, the flame balls – they all kind of come out of nowhere. I would’ve liked a little bit more of an explanation of what is inside the games arena. It doesn’t have to be long and drawn out, but something. Like they make mention of the poisonous berries and such, throw out a sentence like “watch out for FIRE BALLS or 2-TON PITBULLS!”

I guess that’s about it…

I liked the movie and found it enjoyable. I thought it was long, but it was necessary and they handled it well. I thought most of it was handled really well like the when they first enter the arena and that scene before that with J-Law and Lenny and then the madness of the first minute of the games. I thought that was all good. Some other stuff not so good like Peeta’s arts and crafts camouflage, which I hope sounded better in text than how asinine it appeared on screen. Good overall.

I will now stew throughout the rest of the day with my unhealthy crush on Jennifer Lawrence.

Did you see it?

WHAT DID YOU THINK?!!!!!

Happy Friday!

You fucking made it! I’m so happy! I’m so happy you are here with me! We are jumping up and down! And we’re singing songs of merriment! We are singing Adele! Even though Adele’s lyrics are so sad, it’s really a joyous experience just letting rip and singing like Adele from your loins! Also, we’re singing along to Adele’s dance-y remixes, so they’re happy! I don’t want this to ever end! I’m so happy it’s difficult for me to not pee a little! I’m that happy!

Why are we so happy?

BOOBS!!!!

or…

I mean…

HUNGER GAMES!!!!

That’s right! Arch the shit out of those motherfuckers! How many rabbits is Katniss going to kill? 100? 50? 10? 1? Probably like 1 and then stop because it is a PG-13 movie.

Anyway!

Some of you may have went to a midnight showing of Hunger Games and are currently all glassy eyed after sitting through a two and a half hour movie in the middle of the night. I feel the same way because I decided at 2am last night to start watching Workaholics on Netflix for the first time and ended up watching 3 episodes of it. Good show.

So…

I don’t know too too much about what happens in Hunger Games asides from all the assumptions that I can make because this is pretty much a rip off of a bunch of other movies based on a similar idea of young, good looking people playing a death game for the entertainment of others. What I do know for a fact is that…

Katniss is fucking hot and as Pitbull would say, “She’s got big oh boobs.”

Wow!

Three things about Jennifer Lawrence/Katniss’ boobs:

1. They’re amazing.

2. I saw an interview with Jennifer Lawrence where the title made mention of a “physical quirk” that J-Law had that made it difficult for her to play Katniss. My initial thought, “‘physical quirk’ is an odd way of saying ‘beautiful heaving breasts'”. Then the clip began with J-Law talking about how this “quirk” made it difficult for her to run. I was like tell me about it, slowly, then show footage of it, in slow motion. BUT! It turns out J-Law is “pigeon footed” and that made her run weird. Whatever. Listen ladies, I will not judge you on your running form – ever. That quite possibly could be the last thing I will judge you on. So, have J-Law’s people call my people (me and multiple personalities) and we’ll get together and we’ll never talk about her inward angled feet when she runs.

3. I hope they rewrote a scene or two in the movie to really delve into how spectacular Jennifer Lawrence’s boobs look. Like Katniss distracts a fellow tribute or whatever with her boobs and then the bread maker kid stabs the shit out of the guy/gal when they’re transfixed.

I’m pretty sure I’ve already mentioned that I am planning on seeing the movie.

I mean it’s not like I’m going for round two with 21 Jump Street. Listen, I’m addicted to seeing movies. I saw This Means War. It was my idea even! I know!

Also, I’m a sucker for seeing the big thing, whatever the big thing is that’s going on. I saw two of those Twilight messes, I saw all 156 Harry Potter movies, so I can sit through at least one Hunger Games.

I have been talking the movie/book with people in the lead up to seeing the movie, what I’m getting from these convos is that everyone wants to see the “capital”. Everyone wants to see how ridiculous the rich people live and look and how awkward Katniss will appear up against it. Literally every conversation at some point has steered almost immediately to talking about how they are excited (male and female alike) to see Katniss play dress up. So, I’m trying to get excited for that too. It’s a work in progress.

The one issue I have with this is that as mentioned time and time again in this post alone – Jennifer Lawrence is hot. I mean she’s even hot in Winter’s Bone talking all slow and marble mouthed and then even slower and even more marble mouthed after she gets beat up. I feel like this movie will be a lot like theShe’s All That where we’re supposed to pretend that Rachel Leigh Cook isn’t the hottest chick at that high school because she wears glasses and has a pony tail. Listen up, pony tails and glasses can look hot – especially if they’re on top/attached to Rachel Leigh Cook or Jennifer Lawrence’s smoke-show body and face.

I’m just wondering how the crazy people in the capital are going to pretend to have a hard time dressing up Jennifer Lawrence. Katniss is going to kind of look super ridiculously hot in all outfits…

Baywatch Katniss…

Lolita Katniss…

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition Katniss…

Evolved Space Race From The Future Katniss…

They might want to attempt putting her into drag.

Either way, I’m looking forward to this movie. I just want to see this ridiculousness.

I really want something shocking to happen in the movie. That would be great. Like Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. I’m not saying there needs to be rape murders, but I wasn’t expecting that in GWADT and it definitely left quite an impression.

Good luck to you all this weekend.

Good luck fighting through the tween crowds.

Good luck if you are a tween fighting in the crowds.

Have a great weekend.

Happy Thursday!

Let’s start this post off right away and say that everyone including their horny mothers would watch the Pattinson & Tebowreality television show. This could easily be filmed in the football off-season. We take Robert Pattinson and Tim Tebow and make them share an apartment together and work a roughly minimum wage job… and then at some point “reality” will emerge! I would watch it. You would watch it. As mentioned, your inappropriately turned on mothers, who have been busy reading this generation’s pharmacy paperback romance novels like Twilight and the Twilight fan fic that is now sweeping the nation, will also be watching this show.

I can just imagine the in house drama of Tebow following Robbie around like Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. Pattinson and his cigarettes; Tebow and his Lysol.

Anyway, on to the post…

PATTINSON

Well, as you may have seen on anything that female fingers touch that also translates to the internet… this happened…

David Cronenberg’s Cosmopolis debuted its first quickly edited 30 second teaser trailer.

What are the highlights? Well, it appears Rob has sex with at least 2 different women and most likely a third. Also, is that a dinosaur or an insanely large warthog that is terrorizing the streets of New York City? I’ve read that Michael Bay is removing the legendary “ooze” from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, so I suppose that stuff got shipped over to Cronenberg and that warthog rolled around in the stuff and now Rob Pattinson has to have sex with half a dozen different women in under two hours to defeat the monstrosity. I’d actually rather see that movie and I imagine you might as well. More Robbie, more half naked Robbie, more Robbie pantomiming sex. Plus ginormous warthog lovers would really enjoy seeing their favorite mammal get some much needed screen time.

What else can be learned from this trailer? It’s going to be weird. Well, we already knew that – David Cronenberg after all. The guy doesn’t do normal. Even stranger than this movie, Cronenberg is going to direct a TV show coming up called Knifeman I believe. The show sounds interesting and is about a turn of some past century’s surgeon/doctor who is out and about robbing graves and paying for cadavers and all that to learn how to better medically treat people and such. I’m not sure this show will last because I’m not sure Cronenberg is much of a TV guy. I can’t imagine him sitting in meetings receiving notes from the network. It’s like “hey guy, who is a marketing major from ASU, I’m not sure you and I will see eye-to-eye on how this show should be directed because I’m the guy who directed Crash. Not the Crash that you saw in 2004 that tip toed into racial stereotypes while ripping off PTA’s Magnolia and started the fledgling actor career of Ludacris. No, I directed 1996’s Crash which was about a sub-culture of people fucking immediately after car crashes. Yeah, that’s right. Boners and wet panties from car crashes! That’s the movie I made! Like there’s a scene in there where a guy fucks a prostitute who has made herself look like a car crash victim. So, let’s just keep those notes over there with you.”

I do want to see this movie. It does sound interesting both the book and the fact that Cronenberg is directing it. I’m not sure if I’ll see this undoubtedly slow indie movie in theaters because it could be too distracting being in a theater filled to capacity with soccer moms quietly masturbating under their buckets of popcorn. Or… maybe that’s exactly why I should see it in theaters.

TEBOW

Tim Tebow and I will be hanging out a lot nowadays, don’t be jealous… too much.

Yep, Tebow is a New York Jet. Wooo… errr… hmmm… really?

I know that Tebow has zero control over where he was going to be traded to by the Denver Broncos and that was perfectly illustrated by Tebow ending up on the New York Jets. Seriously? I couldn’t ask for a possible worse team for Tebow. I highly doubt Tebow would have willingly wanted to be in the enormity of the New York spotlight and be coached by known curser and foot fetishist Rex Ryan.

As far as the media attention, IT WILL NEVER END! Tebow was a big star and by “big star” I mean literally the fucking SUN last year in the NFL. He didn’t even play the whole fucking season and yet from the shortened preseason until the Super Bowl the story was always – what the fuck is Tebow doing this very fucking second?! Now, that was happening when played in the forests of Colorado and now he will be playing for the biggest media attention whoring team in the history of sports. It’s going to be unbelievable.

As far as coaching goes, well, I’m not sure this will benefit Tebow in the slightest. Rex Ryan seems like arguably the last coach Tebow would like to play for as he is a bragging, loud mouthed, sexual deviant, asshole. Also, a supposedly defensive minded coach to. Secondly, Tebow’s offensive head coach is the brilliant mind who brought us the horrible offenses of the Miami Dolphins these past few years. Also also, Tebow knows that they are bringing him in for 1 of 2 if not both reasons:

1. To be a Swiss Army knife – Since the beginning, people have guessed that Tebow would be best suited to be a hybrid player by running the “wildcat” style offense every now and then. Basically, every 6 plays, the team will bring Tebow in and he’ll take the snap and pretend like he’s going to pass it, but instead run it himself. Or they’ll split him off as a tight end for absolutely no reason at all and make him try to catch a pass and get leveled by some angry defensive player or just be a decoy and never get the ball. Does that sound like what Tebow will want to do especially considering he took a 1-4 team last year to the playoffs and orchestrated a win over the previous year’s AFC champion? Nooooooooooooooooo-puh.

2. Take Mark Sanchez’ job – That’s a possibility. I’m sure Tebowloves that idea. The Jets did re-sign Sanchez for another few years and then signed Tebow within the same week’s span. It will be a contentious relationship between Mark and Tim or more so a passive aggressive one. Does everyone remember that Mark was fucking high school girls less than 2 years ago? Does everyone remember that Tim Tebow is TIM TEBOW? It won’t be easy for Tebow to take Sanchez’ job, but that is the ultimate goal and both of them know that. It will also be difficult and not at all fun doing that for the Jets who are team very willing to pick sides and fight each other. It will also also be difficult doing that in the city of NEW YORK where people’s expectations are only rivaled by their temper.

Anyway, I hate the Jets. I hate that I’m going to have to root against Tebow. I really wanted him to end up in Miami or Jacksonville, but those teams are run by the inept apparently.

But… is there more TEBOW news?!

TEBOW QUAD-DRANGLEOF LOVE!

In what should easily be the next series of books Stephanie Meyer so terribly writes…

Tim Tebow is apart of a love quadrangle or something with some famous players: Taylor Swift, Dianna Agron, and that guy who fell off the train in Captain America.

To simplify…

Timothy Richard Tebow is single. GET HIM LADIES! USE YOUR VAGINAS TO TURN HIM INTO A MINDLESS SLAVE LIKE THE REST OF US!

Hmmm…

Tim likes Dianna.

Honestly, who doesn’t like Dianna Agron? I don’t even watch Glee and I like her. But you know who I would bet A GAJILLION PESOS does watch Glee? Tim Tebow. You know that dude watches Glee. YOU KNOW IT! It’s fucking a truth laser fucking your fucking brain hole. You know you can just see him watching that fucking show! You know it!

Anyway, Tebow likes Dianna and the two of them did hang out in Los Angeles I believe at some awards’ shows.

But there is un problemo – Dianna is dating this guy…

That’s Sebastian Stan who looked like Rob Pattinson before Rob Pattinson did.

Oh Sebastian, do you know Sebastian? You may remember him from his work as Bucky Barnes in Captain America. You may also remember Sebastian from The Covenant which was horrible.

Anyway, apparently, Sea-Bass and Agron are seeing each other in a long distance relationship with him in New York City and Philly and her in Los Angeles.

So, there’s that…

But…

Who or what is the 4th side of this equation?

Little Taylor Swift.

TaySwi went of a couple dates with Timothy Tebow last year.

Tebow said they are just friends.

I can only imagine that Taylor thinks they are soulmates and she half to fully expects Tim to appear in her window each and every night.

So there’s that.

I hope this continues to evolve. I hope even more people get involved now that Tebow is coming to New York. I mean Kim Kardashian is out there. Lord knows she’s going to try and corrupt Tebow and good luck to her on that. Also, there are approximately 20 million single ladies in a 5 mile radius of NYC and I’m sure all women will be single if they meet Tebow. They’ll be throwing those rings off their fingers so fast you would think they were an ex-NBA player who has hit enormous financial troubles and has to sell their worldly possessions just to pay their taxes.

Yep… questions?

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