Cinnamon Whiskey, Kristen Stewart Is Indecisive, AND Superheroes!

March 1, 2012

Happy Thursday!

Woooo! We made it! We made it passed Leap Day! We didn’t get sucked into its evil vortex of time deconstruction and we’re still alive! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!! I’m so happy! Fuck you, Leap Day! Better luck next time! In 4 years, I’ll only be stronger, wiser, and even more ready to battle you for the sake of humanity’s combined soul! FUCK YOU, LEAP DAY! I’ll see you in Hell!

Anyway…

It’s Thursday, March 1st and the year is 2012. Just wanted to refresh your memory in case you lost it during the invisible hailstorm of mind erasing rays that shoot out for the galaxy Nebuloss II on Leap Day. But you seem pretty cool and unaffected. You did make it back to this website after all. The only website you really need for entertainment, current events, solving legal disputes, who has delectable cleavage… *spoiler alert* all the chicks.  So, today I have three topics I want to address and the first will get you drunk and possibly destroy your larynx:

FIREBALL CINNAMON WHISKY

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

The idea for this product of Canada is converting the “Atomic Fireball” candy we all should pretty well by now into a drinkable whiskey? Did they succeed?

FUCK YES, THEY DID!

It is absolutely ridiculous how much this whiskey tastes exactly like drinking an alcoholic cup of Atomic Fireball syrup. It’s hysterical. I first found this whiskey in a really random way. It was featured pretty heavily in some wedding photos done by a wedding photographer who is friends with a photographer I’m friends with. I had never heard of the Fireball Cinnamon Whisky, but it looked interesting and I decided to order some from the nearest liquor store. The stuff runs about $20 a bottle and is a healthy 33 proof or 66% alcohol. I was worried it would be south of 30 proof because some of those whiskey flavor mixes do get kind of watered down in that regard. Either way, 33 proof is not bad at all.

The drink itself is exactly like dealing with an Atomic Fireball. The heat sometimes compounds on you and other times it seems to go down too smooth, but then the next thing you know you take another sip and you feel that spicy hot cinnamon rush through your throat and stomach and mouth. It’s an experience for sure. I can only imagine it is a crazy social-able drink getting every to share a bottle of it and take slugs and everyone is giggling about how much it burns sometimes and then when everyone is laughing, sweating from the heat, and all boozed up on the 33 proof that’s when you lock the doors, turn the lights off, and get to orgy-ing. I’m just saying a sweaty, cinnamon whikey fueled orgy isn’t the worst thing that could happen on a weekend or a Tuesday.

I’d suggest heavily that you purchase this.

KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT… she thinks

I saw these few random pictures of Kristen Stewart this morning of her at an airport.

Ooooooooh. Eye spy something I want with little wanting eyes. What is it?

Herrmmmm… I shouldn’t. I need to get on this plane. I need to resist. I want it, but I have things to do.

Orrrrrrrr… I can take another peak at it… run over to it… and take it… and!

Nope! This is me leaving. This is me leaving! I can’t look back. I’m in a rush. I have to go on this plane.

Orrrrrrr!!!! I can just make the plane wait. I am famous. Psch- This is your Captain speaking. Alerting passengers Bella from Twilight has to have something and she needs 10 minutes tops to get it, so could you all chill the fuck out for 10 minutos for Bella. Ok? Over. That was the Captain of the airplane. Goodbye.

No, Kristen! No, Kristen Stewart! Not again. You will not pull a shenanigan stunt like that again. Just get on the plane like a normal person and you’ll forget all about that thing you want because you’ll start wanting something else soon enough. You’ll just flip through the SkyMall catalog and spend a week’s worth of per diem on Chicago Bears coffee mugs, a hot dog miniature toaster oven, and inflatable chairs for a swimming pool.

Hi, yes, I’m Kristen Stewart. I want that. Yes? Bella from Twilight. Yep. Uh-huh. Yes, I said I want that. Can I have it? I can’t have it? Hmmm… this does not happen often to me, Kristen Stewart also known as Bella from Twilight, but I can’t have it because…. because… be… cause… be… cuz… beh… cooz… bihcoooooozzzzzzz? Because it’s a baby. Ok. Are you sure? I can’t have your baby? That’s your final answer? I’m not getting your baby? Ok. Ok. I mean that’s your choice, it is your baby. I wish it were mine because I want it and all, but no hard feelings on that I suppose. Can I ask you a follow-up question though? I can. Ok. Is the reason you are denying me, Kristen Stewart aka Bella the best evah, your baby because you don’t like me? It isn’t. Ok good. You just don’t want a celebrity taking your only child from you at an airport and then raising it as their own? Ok. You know that’s fair enough. Thank you for your honesty. Yes? Sure, I’ll take a picture with you.

That was stupid, Kristen. Real stupid. Ugh, I just wanted that baby, so bad. But it was stupid to ask. Actually, you know what?! Who knows, that woman could have given me her baby. I mean it was worth a shot. No harm in asking. Sometimes, Kristen Stewart, you have to put your feelings on the line and simply ask. I’m proud of you today. Thank you, self. Do you know what else I want besides that woman’s baby? Gellato! It’s fun to say and eat and when someone asks you, “did you eat ice cream for breakfast?” you can look them square in the eyes and say “no” because it’s not ice cream – it’s fucking gellato.

– end scene –

SUPERHEROES UNITE!

Yesterday, this appeared online…

The new trailer for The Avengers.

It looks pretty good. I mean it really looks like Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. Did you see that? If you did see that then you probably already thought what I just said. The last half hour of that particular Transformers movie features an all out battle royal in the streets of Chicago between robots. In this trailer, if you substitute the good robots with the fearsome … hmmm… time out… Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, The Hulk, Hawkeye, and Black Widow… time in… fearsome six then it looks identical to the Transformers. Especially, the big ass flying metal snake, which looks very much like the big ass metal worm creature from Transformers. That doesn’t mean it is good or bad it just means they look fucking identical. I have low expectations for this film considering most of the Marvel movies are terrible – the best one by far was Captain America.

Anyway, I’ll gladly go see it and rather fantasize about having sex with Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow than perhaps Bumble Bee. Was I fantasizing about sex with Bumble Bee? You know… maybe. I mean how can you watch a movie regardless of whatever it is about and not fantasize about one of them? Bumble Bee would catch me if I fell and honestly I like that type of security in my life. But Scarlett does look foxy as hell with the red hair and the black body suit.

Meanwhile, I saw this today and it is absolutely amazing and I wish this was an entire movie and not just a short video…

AMAZING! Who knew that Tim Daly and his own webisodes with his son Sam Daly. Who knew Sam Daly was Tim Daly’s son? Who knew indeed. Anyway… very funny video.

I love superheroes/comicbook heroes, and I really love delusional super heroes/comicbook heroes. There are some great movies about people who are completely delusional and think they are superheroes and go out and fight crime and bad things happen and I love those movies.

I had an idea for a movie like that where some A-list celebrity/actor like Samuel L. Jackson starts filming a super hero movie. The actor hired to be the villain, Gerard Butler maybe, starts living the character. He starts to actual act like a prick and become antagonistic towards Samuel L. because he says it’s apart of his acting process. Meanwhile, Samuel L. then starts donning the attributes of the super hero and him and the villain actually become real enemies on/off the set while they’re filming the movie. This causes Samuel to truly lose his mind for a little bit and think he is the super hero and starts to go out and fight crime and so forth. It would all end in a ridiculous fight scene between the actors while filming the final fight scene for the movie within a movie they are making – fully dressed in their costumes. The end result would be they would get brought back into reality when Samuel actually goes to far and almost kills Gerard and Gerard reveals that he was just messing with him the whole time to get a good performance out of him and to try and get more screen time for himself. The epilogue would be them both being nominated for a trivial award like the MTV Movie Awards and Gerard winning.

Just an idea. I was picturing Samuel L. Jackson as Black Panther. Later Black Panther when he’s pretty much a black Batman. The movie itself would be called “Samuel L. Jackson IS Black Panther”. I like it.

Thanks for reading as always.

No post tomorrow because I’ll be hungover in Boston, Mass. … hmmmm… maybe I’ll post something small like remind you to watch Showtime this weekend because the women’s 135 pound belt is on the line between Ronda Rousey and Miesha Tate.

Either way, I’ll talk to you next week.

Have a great weekend.

I love you?

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2 Responses to “Cinnamon Whiskey, Kristen Stewart Is Indecisive, AND Superheroes!”

  1. myrobbie said

    Aw, thanks Jordan! You know, sometimes I think to myself, “Self? Why do you feel compelled to write comments? I mean, because you almost always regret them, you know? There’s some annoying little grammar error, or you just say too goddamned much about your Steve Coogan situation, or just are awkward. Why, then?” OK. But! I just read the comments from a few days ago when there were some craziness going on there and then I didn’t feel so bad. And now, of course, I feel compelled to go ahead and comment.

    Ahem. So, hi! How ya been? Thanks for all these pre-release reviews for March. I feel at least knowledgeable about movies when I read about them, as I never really get to the theater, it seems. Little kids and health problems, you know? But you really take it for the team, seeing whatever the hell that Reese Witherspoon/Tom Hardy/other guy movie was. Man.

    Also, thanks for the Daly Show clip up there. Did you know Tim Daly was Tyne Daly’s son? I’m pretty sure about that. Lineage!

    Alright, lastly, did you feel like vomiting immediately after drinking that cinnamon whisky? Because I cannot imagine putting that shit down my throat and not wanting to immediately propel it out of me. But then, I’m not much of a drinker.

    Have fun in Boston! Not too much Fireball! For real, I’m getting nauseous thinking about it. Blargh.

  2. ethan said

    so 66 proof– 33% alcohol

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