Let Me Get My Glasses Out Because I Want To Get A Good Look At These – CURVES

March 6, 2012

Happy Tuesday!

I don’t think today is a holiday or anything, but you can pretend it is. Pro tip from me to you: make up a holiday and tell everyone at work it is said holiday. What the fuck is the worst that is going to happen? That person feels good it is that holiday for a good hour or more and tells everyone they know that it is that holiday without giving you any credit and tries to make everyone else feel special today. Then inevitably someone on that phone tree either the original person or someone that person told, who hates life and couldn’t have a good time rolling on ecstasy, drinking screwdrivers while being caressed in a hot tub by the entire cast of Friday Night Lights, gets all skeptical and looks up if that holiday is real and/or is on today’s actual date. They figure out your ruse and come running to you to explain your witchcraft and you can either respond, “oh, I thought it was today” or “that’s what the guy on the radio said this morning” and then WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY GOING TO SAY BACK?! Nothing. That’s what. Maybe they’ll talk about how stupid morning DJs are or whatever. But either way, you provided levity and talking points for that person throughout their day. So, guess the fuck what? It was a holiday! It was a holiday where that person had something interesting to say and thought the day was more interesting than the other days of their boring and tired ass lives. BOOM!

Self-fulfilling prophecy, bitches!

Anyway, I suggest doing this about once a month. At worst, they’ll either think you are terrible with remembering holiday dates, which is about the best bad attribute a person could have or you listen to the dumbest morning DJs and that’s it. How to survive in an office environment 101… plus no matter how many times you’re wrong about holidays they’ll still get excited when you bring up a new one. Who knows? Maybe this time you’re right that it is Kazoos of the World dayand at 5pm everyone is supposed to blow on their kazoo… that’s what she said.



Yesterday, all day, I saw on Yahoo this picture of Taylor Swift spotted in a bikini which is absolutely rarer than Halley’s comet. I have no problem with looking at pictures or the one picture of Taylor in a bikini. Although, I do wonder why the picture they chose she had to have buck teeth in. I can only assume that like many mythical creatures or happenings that once spotted by humans, Taylor vanished in a cloud of pixie dust and this was the only picture that was able to be taken in that split second.

My question or problem with this picture was that it was marketed to the perverts like myself and to curious people who click on things, that we were going to see Taylor Swift’s “curves”. Her curves? Errrr… what curves? I may only have 20/20 vision, but can you see “curves”? CURVES?!CURVES!!!!!!!!!!

Let’s be honest here, everyone doesn’t have curves and apart of that everyone is Taylor Swift. If you’re sexually arouse by Taylor Swift – it isn’t for her “curves”. You get me? She’s the prettiest elf sprite with flaxen hair and she sings pop music and pretends she’s country and she’s all sorts of innocent and at the end of the day when she gets dolled up she looks like she’s able to make candlestick holders and tea pots and pans dance and sing and come to life with a wrinkle of her cute angular nose. But “curves” is something she does not have. Maybe Yahoo was being sarcastic. That would make more sense and fucking huzzah to them.

Meanwhile… on planet CURVES!

Mama mia, it’s the Red Queen of Boobania, Christina Hendricks!

These are curves! I feel like I’m inCrocodile Dundee II(which happens a lot) – “that’s not a kn-oy-fuh, this is a kn-oh-fuh!”

If Taylor Swift has curves then Christina Hendricks has a word that has yet to be developed to describe what actual curves are. What would be the exponential equivalent of curves? Mountains or the Himalayas to be exact? I don’t get it. I just find it ridiculous to describe Taylor as “curvy” or make any hint that she has anything like that. There’s nothing wrong with her being this tall and slender. I’m just saying if you want to have sex with Taylor Swift – which let’s be honest, we all do because think of how rewarding that would be at the very least whether the sex is good or bad she is going to write a song about you and depending on what happens thereafter it could turn into a whole album, so I doubt I’m alone on hoping that one day a famous pop star goes on an international tour based on the time you put parts of your own body in theirs – don’t pretend it is because she’s so damn curvy. Girls like guys who are tall and thin (girls who usually require glasses all day) and girls like guys who are all swole up with muscle (usually black chicks) and every variety in between, but don’t say one has the attributes of the other. Be real and say you want what that person actually has.

For instance, with Christina Hendricks, I spent much of my day yesterday scientifically studying these leaked cell phone pictures and what I figured out is that these pictures can cause “boners”. That’s a scientific term that was deemed hilarious and true in the New England Journal of Medicine in the year blah blah blah ’02.

Exhibit B…

See in picture one, Ms. Hendricks required the use of an ancient clothing apparatus to contain her curves from running wild and in this picture her curves are basically escaping every which way they can not unlike the New York City punks who help Crocodile Dundee invade the drug dealer’s mansion at the end of Crocodile Dundee II. See these are what I like to call… hmmm… well… let’s forget what I in particular like to call what we see in this picture because it’s pretty graphic and includes a lot of swearing and some words from a made-up grunting language I’ve created since changes in myself started back in 8th grade… but these “curves” of Christina Hendricks are very pronounced and obvious and I want to take them to a fine steak restaurant and order them red wine and watch them eat mashed potatoes. It’s just too ridiculous to see these pictures of Christina and the sole picture of Taylor Swift and think these two fine females have anything in common besides being well to do white women.

Sure, I have a preference of Hendricks over Swift, but there’s nothing wrong with Swift. I imagine her frolicking naked in a meadow of dandelions with the sunshine delicately wrapping its warm arms around her fragile frame and she notices two deer in the distance and she giggled and they run to her side and one lowers its head to bow to Swift and in an effortless flash she is riding the deer bareback with the other racing along side jealous there are not two Swifts for the second to guide and steer from on its back through this enchanted forest of rainbows.

And sure, I just imagine Christina Hendricks in a kimono sauntering around our New York City high rise apartment reading aloud the scripts for next seasons Mad Men while we drink coffee touched up with Irish whiskey and her hair smells of coconut and roses.

I mean… yeah… they’re both really bangable.

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