Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Lawrence, Elizabeth Olsen, Kristen Stewart – What do they have in common?

March 7, 2012

THEY’RE WHITE! … and they’re in this post … and I’m borderline obsessed with them.

HAPPY WEDNESDAY!

Hump day it is! And let’s get to what happens when you hump…

FUCK YES!

BABIES and even bigger BOOBIES.

I woke up today and the first thing I read online was that Jessica Simpson had taken nude pictures of herself with her wonderfully enormous preggers belly. It’s not my birthday, but it damn well should be. Seriously, I love every fucking picture taken of Jessica Simpson … well in general … I was going to say since she’s been pregnant, but I also just find her stupidly attractive, so … hmmm … anyway … the pregnant pictures are amazing because this chick as I have mentioned before looks almost cartoonish with her proportions at this point and I love it. I mean it looks like her belly could possibly be an entire litter of blonde headed Simpson-nites in there just ready to fall out of her. On top of that, literally, her boobs were big to begin with, but now they’ve ballooned to phenomenally feminine obscene levels. Those bazongas could have put out the Chicago Fire with how much milk must be stored up in them. She could wash away poverty with the sustenance in her titties. It is just amazing stuff.

For years people complained about celebrity chicks getting all knocked up and not gaining a pound. We had Paltrow and Jolie filled with some gestating little person in side of them and their arms looked skinnier than ever. A day after pooping out the kid, they had 6 pack abs and were doing hot yoga. Critics shouted from the rooftops that it had to be unhealthy and that this was a new low in this skinny culture. MEANWHILE… Jessica Simpson is on the other side of it with people making fun of how big she’s gotten and flaunting her tanker sized belly too much. Listen people, go fuck yourselves.

Minus Elle make-up-ing and airbrushing whatever stretch marks there have got to be… I see people saying this is “racy”. I, on the other hand, don’t think they’ve gone far enough. Not by a long shot. I sincerely wish someone did a Frank Frazetta style photoshoot with Simpson wearing a leopard skin bikini, a full length grizzly bear cape, a jeweled crown just a little too big for her, on a throne of pillaged treasure and her enemies’ skulls, with her hordes of scantily dressed minions – both male and female – sharpening their tools of destruction (swords not their sex organs), and who ever the guy is that put this baby in her who is currently kissing her stomach in this picture should be standing beside her wearing some suit of mismatched armor and a double horned viking helmet of war while holding a battle axe bigger than himself.

But that’s just me.

I know that and it’s probably because something is loco in my coco, but if you say you’re not interested in seeing that then you’re lying to me and yourself.

And we’ve seen it before, but Simpson is doing some weight loss show after she drops this kid(s) and she’ll get back to looking something like this again…

That’s not Jessica Simpson, but it’s Jennifer Lawrence who is showing off her acting talents in these humbleEsquire pictures which I only just saw today and had no idea about because no one tells me anything.

I’m trying to get excited for Hunger Games knowing that I’ll go see it. I just watched some 45 second clip of her talking to Lenny Kravitz about making her beautiful … uhhhh kind of done already by the Lord Almighty who made her sexy hot like the pictures above show … and then getting sponsors. Sponsors? I can probably guess what that means for the storyline of the movie, but this movie will be even less action than I would like if they’re going to take time to show Katniss trying to get a Nike shoe deal. Oh God why?! Why can’t there just be a machine gun frenzy movie that chicks are into? I mean read about and everything. Even Girl with a Dragon Tattoo was half about boring investigative journalism when they weren’t busing rape murdering people. What’s next? From the mind that brought youHunger Games brings you a tale of a counter terrorist operative in the streets of Kabul who also has the world’s largest stamp collection and must recover all of the Elvis’ death anniversary stamps in the Middle East to solve the next carbombing plot!

Outside of that, I’m going to be severely impaired seeing Hunger Games.

I’ve got a prediction for you…

$100 says Elizabeth Olsen is in a Woody Allen film in the next 3 years.

BOOM! Print it. Take it to the bank. Shove it up your ass for all I care. That’s happening.

Unless he dies.

That could happen. I mean he’s old. I don’t know how old, but he’s up there. He could keel over any minute. Hell, we all could. So, there’s a chance he dies before she gets to work with him in less than 3 years, but I’m still putting that out there. I have a feeling Olsen will be featured in “a” and then other Woody Allen films.

I was just looking up her IMDB page to see if she already was setup to work with him to see if my prophecy already came true… I did notice that Josh Radnor of How I Met Your Mother fame has already decided to make his own Woody Allen film and/or rip off of The Last Kiss. Radnor plays some dude who is Josh Radnor who ends up going back to his college 10 plus years after graduating for no apparent reason and then there is Elizabeth Olsen ready and waiting to ride his dong. OF COURSE SHE IS! Who could fucking resist Josh Radnor? I mean I’m having a hard time not keeping my pants on while typing this. I mean I had to stop watching How I Met Your Mother because I was nearly beating my constant boners to death because he’s such a sex pot. I mean who hasn’t uttered these words 100 times – Josh Radnor gets me the wettest.

Back to The Last Kiss, so that was basically a rip off of the stereotypical Woody Allen films of “I’ve got this hot wife/gf who is of an appropriate age and then there just so happens to be a teenager who is a model and she never wants to stop blowing me and my life is in such a state of ruin! WOE IS ME!” I’m sorry, Zach, but maybe the reason why your character is UTTERLY CRAZY UNRELATABLE AND I COULDN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT is that he’s got the choice between either Jacinda Barrett or Rachel Bilson and neither seem to care that he’s just miserable old Zach Braff.

I mean let’s get a movie where we’ve got a real decision like instead of Rachel Bilson being a bubbly fuck friendly college girl – she’s actually a mentally disturbed stalker killer who has a million cats and has rampant chlamydia. And instead of Jacinda Barrett – it’s Paul Giamatti in drag, but he’s filthy rich, and he loves giving and receiving footjobs. AND THEY’RE ZACH’S ONLY TWO OPTIONS! That’s a movie.

Lastly… a question…

When the hell do these pictures come out? And, she wants IT even with that stupid ass hat.

They are frighteningly absurd, which is how I like it. Also, this should be a movie rather than whatever the hell she is making currently. What is she making? Oh right, Snow White. I’m seeing that Mirror Mirror movie’s previews which is absolutely baffling to me that that movie is already coming out. But looking at Ms. Stewart’s IMDB page there is nothing else in the mix except for the final Twilight and On The Road which I believe they finished shooting that movie 100 years ago.

I’m glad she’s not doing that marine movie anymore, but where are her other projects? All she’s got is the possibility of a horrible white washed Akira?

I don’t know anymore. Yesterday, I was actually considering seeing John Carter, but today I’m back to not wanting to see it ever in my life, so that’s a good thing.

What else is going on?

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