This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #Let’s Say 63

March 9, 2012

You fucking made it, Happy fucking Friday!

Well, I think that’s about it.

What the Hell even happened this week?

Snooki is pregnant and engaged. I mean isn’t that a good thing in some respects. Get that bitch off the streets! Keep her pregnant ass at home, so she won’t terrorize the people in Jersey anymore. About the only thing I’m truly against in this next generation Snooki is that she’s 4’9″ with shoes on and Jionni is probably 5’2″ with shoes on, so we’re not really evolving the human existence by breeding short with short. We need tall to tall or short to tall. We need to keep getting bigger as a people, so that when the alien invaders to show up one day – we’ll all be Lebron James and we’ll give those motherfuckers a beating like they never could have imagined. That’s presupposing they’re not 100 feet tall, but even if they are like 7 or 8 feet tall being 6’8″ will be a lot better than being 5’1″.

Kirk Cameron is a homophobe. Well, who didn’t see that coming from a gajillion miles away? Who even cares is the bigger question? Is anyone still concerned with what a sitcom actor from a TV show that ended 20 years ago next month? I’m not sitting around scratching my head wondering what Nicole Eggert thinks of anything and she’s at least been on topical TV in the past decade.

Peyton Manning got dropped by the Indianapolis Colts. Well, everyone knew that was going to happen. If you didn’t know, Peyton’s contract with the Colts said that if he was on the team by the end of this week or next or something then he would get paid a $28 million roster bonus. A huge part of the reason that was even in Peyton’s contract was so the Colts could drop him because it seems justified to not want to pay a guy $28 million just because he’s on the team and not even just his salary. So, Peyton getting dropped by the Colts was obviously going to happen. Where does Peyton go now? Who the fuck knows? He says we’ll have the answer by next week. Seriously, whatever team picks up Peyton next week will do it out of fear/paranoia that another team will pick him up, which they’re right. No team knows whether Peyton is truly ready to play again, but it’s a damned if you do or don’t scenario and no one is going to actually wait to get all the facts in about Peyton. It is a complete gamble.

What I do know about Peyton? He’s played his entire home career in a dome, there was always the mark of criticism that he didn’t play his best outside, he’s old, he’s had a million neck surgeries in the past 2 years, went to Europe for stem cell therapy, and he’s two good seasons away from beating all of Dan Marino’s records. It was a foregone conclusion since the mid to late 2000’s that Peyton Manning would retire with all of Dan Marino’s records and, now, that is in question. I say Marino’s records because that was the line that Manning had been aiming for to cross. At the position of quarterback, no one was better than Dan. As we all know, Brett Favre broke all of Dan’s records as well and did so because he’s a freak athlete who played forever. There’s an insanely small percentage that Peyton or anyone will have longevity that Brett Favre had, so Peyton’s goal is to beat Marino as it always was. Just a note about Favre: I know people didn’t care for the way he ended his career with the pseudo retirements and the dick pix and all that hilarity, but the man was a football giant and no one will be able to do what he did and he did it during the modern era.

There are pretty much no good movies coming out this weekend. The biggies I guess are John Carter and Friends with Kids. The former has dropped 30% points in the past week on Rotten Tomatoes, from 77% to 47% with the “top critics” just over 30%. The movie looks like Avatar meets The Mummy franchise, so if you like the sound of that then you should go see it. Or what about – it looks like Cowboys & Aliens meets Prince of Persia? How does that affect your panties? Needless to say, whatever small part of me wanted to see that movie – I don’t anymore. As for Friends with Kids, I saw a review for it on Deadspin that I completely agreed with that used a clever anecdote as a metaphor. Remember that woman who sued Drive because the commercials led her to believe it would be Fast & Furious? Well, Friends with Kids is not Bridesmaids 2 no matter how many cast members are in both. The movie is not about Kristen Wiig, Jon Hamm, Maya Rudolph, or Chris O’Dowd. The movie is about Adam Scott and Jennifer Westfeldt and it’s more indie/comedy/drama, which if you remember Bridesmaids was The Hangover with talking vagina owners. So, Friends with Kids quite possibly could be a good movie, but it’s not the good movie the commercials are trying to get you to see.

 

I watched They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? this week for no apparent reason, but it is a fucking great movie and you should see it if you haven’t or you should rewatch it if you have. Actually, there was a reason I watched it – fucking Hunger Games. With all the talk about Hunger Games, people will point out movies like Running Man or Battle Royale or maybe even Series 7: The Contenders if they know of it. A movie basically about people killing themselves for public entertainment. Those are all good movies. I love The Running Man and I love Series 7: The Contenders and I like Battle Royale (not really a fan of the “gore” genre), but people don’t mention They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? enough. Specifically, for Hunger Games, this 1969 classic is very appropriate. The movie is about couples who enter a dance marathon competition that lasts for over a 1000 hours and goes through the physical and psychological trauma these people endure while in the competition. Also, there are great sideplots about sex, love, pandering towards the crowd, getting sponsored, just the whole whoring out process, and well everything. People talk about the psychology surrounding reality TV as if the presiding ideas of it weren’t in a million other entertainment structures for years. To begin with, sports has and will always be the ultimate reality television where there is a dark idea that we want to see these glorious athletes lose or get mangled or fall from grace. We also want to see them succeed and achieve glory, but obviously these movies are focusing on the darker aspects of our inherent bloodlust. Anyway, a 1969 movie about dance marathoning will read very close to a lot of the ideas that I’m guessing are present in Hunger Games or at the very least should be. Also, for those of you out there that enjoy dark movies, in some ways this movie is as gripping as Requiem for a Dream at times. Great movie.

Side note: Jane Fonda is on my 50 over 60 list. She is currently, 74 years old. In They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? she is around 32 and fucking gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

Speaking of bloodlust and reality television, there are two weekly cagefighting series starting tonight.  On FX, The Ultimate Fighter will start its 15th season. Tonight will be pretty much all fights as the 32 competitors will fight to decide who gets to be on the actual show. This season the coaches are Urijah Faber and the bantamweight (135 pounds) champion Dominick Cruz. These two guys genuinely do not like each other and genuinely are amazing fights, so that’s great. Also, more often than not females want to have sex with Urijah Faber, so I’m just saying there’s always that. Also, this season will be LIVE as the show will be kind of setup like Big Brother with a 13 week season of live shows and live fights each week instead of a 6 week taped show that is edited together months in advance. At the same time, on MTV 2 will be the beginning of the Bellator fight series. Bellator is a company like the UFC, but smaller. Their show is not a reality show, but just regular ole’ events each week. They do have a gimmick and that’s tournaments. Every season has a new tournament for every weight class and this one is no different. Tonight’s Bellator event will feature a title fight between last season’s winner of the featherweights (145 pounds) Pat Curran and the current champion Joe Warren. Also, the new featherweight tournament will start up and the tournament is really stacked with a lot of interesting talent. All free. Set your DVRs.

Lastly, I started playing Mass Effect 2 during the past week or so.Mass Effect 3just came out on Tuesday, but I hadn’t played the first or the second one. I wasn’t going to sit there and play two long ass games just to play the third, so I decided to play the second one because it’s the newer one and it’s supposed to be the better one. First thing first, by “better” I am taking into account that there are eventually a few sex scenes in this game. I know this sex scenes play out just like in real life that if you talk to a person and listen to them and compliment them then there’s a good chance you’ll get to rub nekkid bodies with them. In this game, my guy is talking to EVERYBODY! I’m trying to get this motherfucker laid by everyone. I’m not sure if that is possible, but I feel like my main goal is to get everyone to forget about the mission and just turn this spaceship into a intergalactic traveling orgy. “Launching the probe”, indeed. AM I RIGHT?! HAHAHAHAHAH… Launching the probe!… wooo… hahaha… hah… ah… whooooo… hmmmm… so that’s a reference to something that’s said a lot in the game. You have to mine minerals from all these different planets and to do so you have to send out a probe and when you send out the probe the ship’s computer says “launching the probe” and that happens like a million times, so … yeah … it was a good joke.

That’s about it I suppose.

What is everyone up to?

I hope whatever it is that it’s like a constant orgasm.

Just juices running down your thighs and getting sticky.

Or just enjoyable.

I hope it’s fun.

Have a great weekend.

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4 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #Let’s Say 63”

  1. PWG said

    I will be bonding with all of my female relatives by getting a manicure/pedicure tomorrow for my sister-in-law’s birthday. Right up there in my wheelhouse. The suggested itinerary was: massage, lunch, mani/pedi, dinner. No where in there did it say “drinking”, so I had to bail on 75% of it.

    I wish there were good movies out now, I’m not dying to see John Carter. I read the books and they were fun and ridiculous, not really something I couldn’t wait to see on the big screen. I didn’t watch Friday Night Lights, but Taylor Kitsch was a fine enough Gambit for the 2 seconds he was in Wolverine. I guess I’ll just wait for the Hunger Games.

    The John Carter and the Giant of Mars book cover is spectacular. You kill one Martian leopard, and you can clothe an entire village, is what I got out of it.

  2. PWG said

    I legitimately thought that second picture of Peyton Manning was Kristi McNichol for four seconds. He’s in Denver today looking for a job, by the way. I think it would actually be a pretty decent spot for him to land, and I say that as someone who’s not a Broncos fan. He could be Obi Wan to Tebow’s Anakin.

  3. I hope Snooki gets Jessica Simpson levels of pregnant.

  4. Cledbo said

    Here’s me saying I work too damn hard, and you’re still funny Jordache. We’ll have beers when I come to America, once I stop working so damn hard.

    Peace, out!

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