This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #St. Patrick’s Day -1

March 16, 2012

Happy Friday!

I doubt I need to remind you that today being Friday means tomorrow is Saturday and today being the 16th of March would mean that tomorrow is the 17th of March, which is the arbitrarily picked day to celebrate ST. PATRICK’S DAY! WOOOOO!!!!

Those are shamrocks on her teats, right?

Wooo!!! wooo… woo… Let’s be honest here, I’m not really psyched for St. Patrick’s Day anymore than I’m psyched for Saturday in general. I have been psyched for some St. Patty’s days in the past because I have had a particular party I was going to or maybe a corn beef dinner I was planning on nearly killing myself while eating – preferably I just eat so much of it that my body is disproporti0nately corn beef to human and my heart and brain just switch the fuck off and I’m done with this planet. Off to the mother ship, high in the sky of where ever the after-life will take place. But this year, I’ve got little to none of that. Some years you make plans, some years you don’t. No biggie. But St. Patty’s day for some people means put on a green shirt and get as sloppy drunk as you possible can at a bar. Listen, if my game plan is simply to get sloppy then I have couches, sweat pants, and HD TVs in every room of my house, so I can get sloppy drunk here and watch Wipeout and have a great St. Patty’s Day. Or I could just get sloppy drunk and watch the MADNESS of MARCH all day.

Anyway! To those of you who are going out to get sloppy drunk, I have an old Gaelic phrase to send you off with:

“Alakhsd asdhousdd jkhuookffs!”

It means you’ll fucking die if you touch my car.

I searched “kristen stewart green” and I got this picture. Even when she rests, she looks like she wants IT.

What else is going on?

Well, The Ultimate Fighter’s new LIVE season starts tonight and it’s supposedly an emotional episode. On the first fucking episode? Weird. I am really looking forward to this season. Usually the show is taped and shot over 6 weeks. This time it will be live and shot over 13 weeks. So, simple math means that it’s more than double the amount of time. In the usual 6 weeks the show was shot in, people went batshit insane in that house. Now, the show is more than doubled in length – I feel like there could be the first TUF murder. They should turn it into Clue and the cast has to figure it out. Also, the big difference this season is that the coaches will now be training along side the fighters to prepare themselves for their fight which is at the end of the season. The coaches are UFC bantamweight (135 pounds) champion Dominick Cruz vs. Urijah Faber. It’s for that belt and these two have fought twice before and they don’t care for each other and they’re both excellent fighters. Good times. Plus most women want to have sex with Urijah. Good times, indeed.

Two movies are coming out this weekend that I want to see…

Casa de Mi Padre and 21 Jump Street. I’m dying to see the former and interested in seeing the latter. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, but who has had a better comedic actor career than Will Ferrell? I really think you can only argue someone like Bill Murray or Charlie Chaplin. Other people like Woody Allen and Eddie Murphy had great periods of success, but have failed almost as much. I mean who else? Who else has made this many movies, TV shows/appearances, and other mediums and triumphed this many times in each and everyone of them? He’s the best SNL ever had, he’s got a crazy list of crazy good movies, he made “funny or die”, has done great guest spots on shows like Eastbound & Down, did the one man George W. show on Broadway, is hilarious on late night talk shows, and I think I could really keep going…… he named his first son MAGNUS! Anyway… I have never met that man, but I love him with all my heart.

What else?

I beat Mass Effect 2 yesterday. Yep! Keep your panties on ladies. I didn’t play the first one and I found myself downloading the new Mass Effect 3 last night. You may have seen all the commercials for it. The game is good. At least the second was. It’s kind of like Star Trek if Star Trek was more focused and more action oriented. You play as a spaceship captain who has a motley crew of aliens and humans who are all ready to kick ass and fuck. Yep and yep. There’s a lot of emotion and romance aboard the Normandy – name of the ship – almost as much as there are bullets. So many bullets. You basically confront and kill just about everything all over the damn universe. You don’t always have to use bullets because in the future there is also MAGIC! They try to explain it with “biotics”, but let’s be serious for a minute – the characters can do some black magic and it’s pretty badass. No one really talks about it like, “did you see me fuck that dude up with that heat seeking blue ball of God knows what that I can shoot out of the palm of my hand?!”

As for the sex, I’m not going to lie that I think it’s a little fucked up that the game makes you monogamous and straight. Or slightly monogamous and almost completely straight. In the game, you can choose to be either male or female. From there, you can chat up all the characters in the game and get them to the point that they either want you inside them or them inside you. But!!!!!! You have to choose one. WHAT?! Why?! It’s a fucking video game! I’m able to conjure a blue magical force out of my hand and hurl it 100 yards and hit an alien with it and that force will then tear that alien to pieces and kill it… but I can’t fuck two different people on the same spaceship? That is some odd decision making by the video game creators. So, in Mass Effect 2, I played a dude and I could choose to sleep with 1 of 3 women and I chose probably who most people chose in Miranda Lawson.

She’s got a nice body, big oh boobs, she’s kind of your character’s rival at the beginning, but then that turns into begrudging respect, then you find her long lost sister for her, and then you do her in the engine room. And by “engine room”, I don’t mean her big booty…

Or do I?

Anyway, I said slightly monog because there are three scenes in the game that suggest your character got some action. You spend an evening in your quarters with an old blue alien chick, you get drunk on brandy with the doctor of your ship, and you get a strip tease from your assistant at the end of the game. I’m imagining all of that resulted in some billion mile high club action, but I don’t understand why you can’t also do everyone else. I really think it should’ve been a tough thing to accomplish, but you should have been given the chance to sweet talk yourself into every character’s pants. Male, female, black, white, blue, green, gills, or not completely organic – I think if you could really pillow talk it right that you should have been able to talk your way into the female voiced AI who runs the ship into her opening up some port where your character just rubs their genitals up against it. I mean this is a high pressure environment saving the damn universe from crazy bug aliens with laser rifles! Sometimes a man or a woman just need to get off a few hundred times with anything that will let them! Ok?!

Anyway… the game is pretty fun outside of that.

On that polygonal sex note… I will say I hope you have a great weekend.

Get drunk or something else.

Get sleazy as Kesha would say.

Have fun.

I’ll see you next week.


4 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #St. Patrick’s Day -1”

  1. How you do you make that expression on (is that Chris Brown?)’s face where he’s looking at Miranda’s ass? I’ve been trying to make that expression by moving my jaw and tongue around for five minutes and I can’t do it. He’s not just biting his lip. What if I meet someone and I want to convey, “I would tap that ass” instantly, but I can’t make that face? Let’s assume the tap-ee is foreign and doesn’t understand either English or my mangled Spanish. Also, it looks like she’s pooping a Choose Your Own Adventure wheel.

    I’m glad the first week post-timechange is over. I am mystified by the simplest things when I’m sleep deprived. I’ve been trying to read Anathem all week and I’ve gotten to 9% on my Kindle, whatever that translates into in pages. Not very much. So I’m spending this weekend sleeping in so I’m capable of reading this book. I thought the older you got the less sleep you needed, but that’s bulshytt. I’m also apparently unable to figure out how to leave a comment as PWG today, or else something has changed in WordPress. I give up.

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