Both Fake-Edward Cullen’s Have Some Big News: Pattinson & Tebow

March 22, 2012

Happy Thursday!

Let’s start this post off right away and say that everyone including their horny mothers would watch the Pattinson & Tebowreality television show. This could easily be filmed in the football off-season. We take Robert Pattinson and Tim Tebow and make them share an apartment together and work a roughly minimum wage job… and then at some point “reality” will emerge! I would watch it. You would watch it. As mentioned, your inappropriately turned on mothers, who have been busy reading this generation’s pharmacy paperback romance novels like Twilight and the Twilight fan fic that is now sweeping the nation, will also be watching this show.

I can just imagine the in house drama of Tebow following Robbie around like Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. Pattinson and his cigarettes; Tebow and his Lysol.

Anyway, on to the post…

PATTINSON

Well, as you may have seen on anything that female fingers touch that also translates to the internet… this happened…

David Cronenberg’s Cosmopolis debuted its first quickly edited 30 second teaser trailer.

What are the highlights? Well, it appears Rob has sex with at least 2 different women and most likely a third. Also, is that a dinosaur or an insanely large warthog that is terrorizing the streets of New York City? I’ve read that Michael Bay is removing the legendary “ooze” from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, so I suppose that stuff got shipped over to Cronenberg and that warthog rolled around in the stuff and now Rob Pattinson has to have sex with half a dozen different women in under two hours to defeat the monstrosity. I’d actually rather see that movie and I imagine you might as well. More Robbie, more half naked Robbie, more Robbie pantomiming sex. Plus ginormous warthog lovers would really enjoy seeing their favorite mammal get some much needed screen time.

What else can be learned from this trailer? It’s going to be weird. Well, we already knew that – David Cronenberg after all. The guy doesn’t do normal. Even stranger than this movie, Cronenberg is going to direct a TV show coming up called Knifeman I believe. The show sounds interesting and is about a turn of some past century’s surgeon/doctor who is out and about robbing graves and paying for cadavers and all that to learn how to better medically treat people and such. I’m not sure this show will last because I’m not sure Cronenberg is much of a TV guy. I can’t imagine him sitting in meetings receiving notes from the network. It’s like “hey guy, who is a marketing major from ASU, I’m not sure you and I will see eye-to-eye on how this show should be directed because I’m the guy who directed Crash. Not the Crash that you saw in 2004 that tip toed into racial stereotypes while ripping off PTA’s Magnolia and started the fledgling actor career of Ludacris. No, I directed 1996’s Crash which was about a sub-culture of people fucking immediately after car crashes. Yeah, that’s right. Boners and wet panties from car crashes! That’s the movie I made! Like there’s a scene in there where a guy fucks a prostitute who has made herself look like a car crash victim. So, let’s just keep those notes over there with you.”

I do want to see this movie. It does sound interesting both the book and the fact that Cronenberg is directing it. I’m not sure if I’ll see this undoubtedly slow indie movie in theaters because it could be too distracting being in a theater filled to capacity with soccer moms quietly masturbating under their buckets of popcorn. Or… maybe that’s exactly why I should see it in theaters.

TEBOW

Tim Tebow and I will be hanging out a lot nowadays, don’t be jealous… too much.

Yep, Tebow is a New York Jet. Wooo… errr… hmmm… really?

I know that Tebow has zero control over where he was going to be traded to by the Denver Broncos and that was perfectly illustrated by Tebow ending up on the New York Jets. Seriously? I couldn’t ask for a possible worse team for Tebow. I highly doubt Tebow would have willingly wanted to be in the enormity of the New York spotlight and be coached by known curser and foot fetishist Rex Ryan.

As far as the media attention, IT WILL NEVER END! Tebow was a big star and by “big star” I mean literally the fucking SUN last year in the NFL. He didn’t even play the whole fucking season and yet from the shortened preseason until the Super Bowl the story was always – what the fuck is Tebow doing this very fucking second?! Now, that was happening when played in the forests of Colorado and now he will be playing for the biggest media attention whoring team in the history of sports. It’s going to be unbelievable.

As far as coaching goes, well, I’m not sure this will benefit Tebow in the slightest. Rex Ryan seems like arguably the last coach Tebow would like to play for as he is a bragging, loud mouthed, sexual deviant, asshole. Also, a supposedly defensive minded coach to. Secondly, Tebow’s offensive head coach is the brilliant mind who brought us the horrible offenses of the Miami Dolphins these past few years. Also also, Tebow knows that they are bringing him in for 1 of 2 if not both reasons:

1. To be a Swiss Army knife – Since the beginning, people have guessed that Tebow would be best suited to be a hybrid player by running the “wildcat” style offense every now and then. Basically, every 6 plays, the team will bring Tebow in and he’ll take the snap and pretend like he’s going to pass it, but instead run it himself. Or they’ll split him off as a tight end for absolutely no reason at all and make him try to catch a pass and get leveled by some angry defensive player or just be a decoy and never get the ball. Does that sound like what Tebow will want to do especially considering he took a 1-4 team last year to the playoffs and orchestrated a win over the previous year’s AFC champion? Nooooooooooooooooo-puh.

2. Take Mark Sanchez’ job – That’s a possibility. I’m sure Tebowloves that idea. The Jets did re-sign Sanchez for another few years and then signed Tebow within the same week’s span. It will be a contentious relationship between Mark and Tim or more so a passive aggressive one. Does everyone remember that Mark was fucking high school girls less than 2 years ago? Does everyone remember that Tim Tebow is TIM TEBOW? It won’t be easy for Tebow to take Sanchez’ job, but that is the ultimate goal and both of them know that. It will also be difficult and not at all fun doing that for the Jets who are team very willing to pick sides and fight each other. It will also also be difficult doing that in the city of NEW YORK where people’s expectations are only rivaled by their temper.

Anyway, I hate the Jets. I hate that I’m going to have to root against Tebow. I really wanted him to end up in Miami or Jacksonville, but those teams are run by the inept apparently.

But… is there more TEBOW news?!

TEBOW QUAD-DRANGLEOF LOVE!

In what should easily be the next series of books Stephanie Meyer so terribly writes…

Tim Tebow is apart of a love quadrangle or something with some famous players: Taylor Swift, Dianna Agron, and that guy who fell off the train in Captain America.

To simplify…

Timothy Richard Tebow is single. GET HIM LADIES! USE YOUR VAGINAS TO TURN HIM INTO A MINDLESS SLAVE LIKE THE REST OF US!

Hmmm…

Tim likes Dianna.

Honestly, who doesn’t like Dianna Agron? I don’t even watch Glee and I like her. But you know who I would bet A GAJILLION PESOS does watch Glee? Tim Tebow. You know that dude watches Glee. YOU KNOW IT! It’s fucking a truth laser fucking your fucking brain hole. You know you can just see him watching that fucking show! You know it!

Anyway, Tebow likes Dianna and the two of them did hang out in Los Angeles I believe at some awards’ shows.

But there is un problemo – Dianna is dating this guy…

That’s Sebastian Stan who looked like Rob Pattinson before Rob Pattinson did.

Oh Sebastian, do you know Sebastian? You may remember him from his work as Bucky Barnes in Captain America. You may also remember Sebastian from The Covenant which was horrible.

Anyway, apparently, Sea-Bass and Agron are seeing each other in a long distance relationship with him in New York City and Philly and her in Los Angeles.

So, there’s that…

But…

Who or what is the 4th side of this equation?

Little Taylor Swift.

TaySwi went of a couple dates with Timothy Tebow last year.

Tebow said they are just friends.

I can only imagine that Taylor thinks they are soulmates and she half to fully expects Tim to appear in her window each and every night.

So there’s that.

I hope this continues to evolve. I hope even more people get involved now that Tebow is coming to New York. I mean Kim Kardashian is out there. Lord knows she’s going to try and corrupt Tebow and good luck to her on that. Also, there are approximately 20 million single ladies in a 5 mile radius of NYC and I’m sure all women will be single if they meet Tebow. They’ll be throwing those rings off their fingers so fast you would think they were an ex-NBA player who has hit enormous financial troubles and has to sell their worldly possessions just to pay their taxes.

Yep… questions?

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4 Responses to “Both Fake-Edward Cullen’s Have Some Big News: Pattinson & Tebow”

  1. PWG said

    Just look at man-child Tim standing there with a football nestled gently between those glorious muscles, in a way that I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANYONE HOLD A FOOTBALL AGAIN. Footballs should either be spiraling through the air like Patriot missiles or clutched tightly against your side like the most precious slippery ovoid baby ever.

    I saw a rumor yesterday that said he almost went to the Rams instead, and honestly that seems like a better home for Tim. They have experience with Godly nice-guy quarterbacks. Imagine the Rams with Tony Dungy out of retirement as their coach. Rooting against them would be like stomping Golden Retrievers to death. Unpossible.

    I don’t know about that Cosmopolis movie. I wouldn’t see it just because fake-Edward’s in it. I haven’t seen any other non-Twilight/Potter movies of his. It looks depressing in that Bonfire of the Vanities or American Psycho mold: rich, violent people in New York. You go see it first and tell me if it’s any good.

  2. I thought Cosmopolis was the one where he’s in all those old-timey clothes, so that definitely was not the trailer I was expecting. Color me surprised.

    Did Hard Knocks pick/announce what team they’ll be covering for the 2012 season? Let’s get some cameras on this potential shitshow going down 5 minutes from my house, please.

  3. first timer said

    Jordan…first time posting. Find you funny, inappropriate, insightful all at once and it’s a fucking highlight in my day. That is all….are you ever going to comment on the SWATH trailer?

  4. RPattz in old-timey clothes = Bel Ami, movie due out in US on June 8th-many trailers to review, ooh la la! His character seduces several married ladies to gain power & money, no giant warthogs though, just his lovely…..mmm.

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