Is There Anything New With Me? … I guess?

March 27, 2012

Happy Tuesday!

I hope you are grabbing life by its horns and riding it like the devil headed monster roller coaster that it is. I guess life really is quite the demon when describe it to have horns. I guess people could say that life is a bull, but I’ve seen enough video tape out there to realize that riding a bull is impossible. 8 seconds? If 8 seconds is a long time to you then you must be the greatest date of all time. Nope, life is a horned demon that has a built in saddle and is easier to ride than a bull. But why? Why? Why can’t we be grabbing the majestic honey and lavender smelling mane of a nubile teenager drunk on jager and margaritas and fresh off her first wet t-shirt contest victory at Spring Break in Daytona Florida? That sounds more pleasant.

What’s new with me?

Well, honestly, I think a lot about Tim Tebow.

I think about how arguably the nicest guy in all of professional sports was so quickly turned into a villain and will soon be corrupted by New York City and the Jets. I mean we took a guy who is building hospitals in the Philippines out of his own pocket and we’re sending him into the middle of Jay-Z’s “Empire State of Mind”:

Lights is blinding, girls need blinders
so they can step out of bounds quick, the sidelines is
lined with casualties, who sip to life casually
then gradually become worse, don’t bite the apple eve

Clearly, Tebow is the bright eyed and bushy tailed young lass who enters New York City with only a thought and a few prayers and is quickly turned into a mindless prostitute.

Caught up in the in-crowd, now you’re in style
Anna Wintour gets cold, in Vogue with your skin out
City of sin, it’s a pity on the wind
Good girls gone bad, the city’s filled with them
Mami took a bus trip, now she got her bust out
Everybody ride her, just like a bus route

See! Right as we speak, there is a picture of Tim Tebow with his “bust out” right over the Lincoln Tunnel all done by Jockey underwear which Tebow is their spokesmodel! IT’S ALL HAPPENING! Tebow is a good girl who will gone band. Tebow’s got his bust out and then he’s going to get ridden like a bus route. He’s already being forced into giving press conferences that he doesn’t want to give. What’s next? Lap dances!?!?!?!?!

He would probably give a great lap dance. I mean it would be bad at first, but soon enough he would let the devil out (not his penis) and start doing what just comes naturally to him and next thing you know you’re seeing the real Tebow (his penis).

Hail Mary to the city, you’re a virgin
And Jesus can’t save you, life starts when the church end
Came here for school, graduated to the high life
Ball players, rap stars, addicted to the limelight
MDMA got you feelin’ like a champion
The city never sleeps, better slip you an Ambien

There it is folks. There is the road map to Tebow’s destruction. He’s a virgin from the church who ends up chasing ball players and rap stars and soon enough he’s addicted to MDMA and taking Ambien. … Well, the last part’s not bad. I take Ambien. I have no problems with Ambien. I mean taking Ambien may not be the best for you if you couple it with MDMA, ball players and rappers, but just on its own to make you go to sleep is ok. Sure, you hallucinate a little and possibly do some funny stuff, but that’s about it.

Truthfully, I don’t buy into that people have sleepwalked/drove themselves to KFC and bought chicken and found themselves sitting in their kitchen with a half eaten bucket of chicken and a half drunk bottle of Johnny Walker Blue label. I think that person just does that and blames Ambien.

What else?

I read that January Jones eats her own placenta. It’s easily the most disgusting thing I’ve ever read I think. And it makes me want to have sex with her like 1/100th less than I did before.

What else?

I’ve been enjoying Workaholics a ton on Netflix.

Also, I’m so happy Community is back.

And, Mad Men being back is cool too. The best part of the episode was easily the ZooBeeZooBeeZoo dance number Don’s new wife, Megan, gave Don as his birthday present…

Oh yeah, and then her later crawling around in her underwear was also amazing.

What else?

I’ve been listening to a lot of Phantogram recently…

I’m not entirely sure if I have a huge crush on this chick lead singer or I have a HUGE crush on her.

Also, I listened to a bunch of the dance party peoples’ albums like LMFAO and Calvin Harris. Pretty much whatever singles you’ve heard by them are the songs you need to know and leave the rest alone.

What else?

I watched 10 minutes of The Artist the other day. I’m sure I’ll go back to watch the other however many minutes, but whatever.

If I could find a copy of The Raid: Redemption online I would watch that shit in a heartbeat no matter what else I had to do. I’m sorry, grandma! But we’re going to have to wait to go to the hospital because I’m watching this Asian Action! … Actually in that story, I’m the one who needs to go to the hospital because my grandmothers are both dead, so I’m talking to a hallucination. Damn Ambien!

What else?

I’m now deciding whether or not I’m having a third cup of coffee. I drank one weak ass cup of coffee, followed by a good cup of coffee. I usually have two cups of coffee, but the first sucked balls. It’s quite the quandary.

What else?

I’ve been playing a lot of beer pong lately. I’m knock knock knocking on 30’s door and I’m playing beer pong every weekend.

American dream!

Eh…

I’m spent.

What are you up to?

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One Response to “Is There Anything New With Me? … I guess?”

  1. PWG said

    I’ve been worried about Tebow, too. I’m getting Stranger in a Strange Land vibe from his story, which I think makes Colorado Mars and means you guys have to eat him when he dies.

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