The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 Teaser Breakdown

March 29, 2012

Happy Thursday!

As the title of this post suggests, we (mostly by me though) will breakdown the teaser for hopefully the last ever Twilight movie forever and ever. PLEASE LORD JUH-HO-SE-PHET (real Lord you can pray to too) MAKE SURE THE STARS NEVER ALIGN OR THAT ANY HOLLYWOOD MOVIE PRODUCERS GET THE IDEA TO MAKE MORE OF THESE HORRIBLE YOU FORSAKEN MOVIES! I WILL SACRIFICE COWS (cheeseburgers), I WILL SACRIFICE PIGS (bacon cheeseburgers), I’LL EVEN CONSIDER EATING LIKE A SPINACH LEAF OR TWO IF YOU CAN SWEAR TO MAKE SURE NONE MORE OF THESE STUPID, IDIOTIC, AND COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY RIDICULOUS MOVIES EVER GET MADE! Praise to Jesus, Allah, Yahweh, Shiva, former President and college football player Gerald Ford, and whoever else you got up there. Thank you. End of impromptu Tebow style prayer.

I have a hard time not rolling my eyes and/or openly laughing at all things Twilight, so when I was sitting second row and a mere 7 feet from movie screen to my eyeballs when I saw Hunger Games and the newest Twilight teaser came on, I almost had an eyeball rolling/laughing seizure.

First, I can’t believe these movies are still being made. I get that they are financially very successful, but from what I’ve seen or heard that happens in them – it should’ve taken a long weekend to film and then been done with it.

Second, the hilarity of how cheesy these movies all look in real life from what I’m guessing didn’t seem as cheesy in your head still baffles the hell out of me. But whatever… let’s fucking talk about it.

Here’s the teaser trailer on the Youtube. If you haven’t seen it, take a gander then join us all with the shot by shot storyboard breakdown I’m prepared to give you below. It’s short, but it’s no less entertaining because it looks terrible in the same way all these movies have looked terrible. I still don’t understand why they switched directors when all of the movies look exactly the same. They never improved a damn thing from one to another. Nikki Reed still looked like she was wearing a mop on her head in the trailers of the last one.

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This is kind of standard stuff. It’s telling you that what you’re about to see is a “preview” of a movie that people of the Motion Picture Association of America deem acceptable for you to see, which goes to show you how terrible these people are at their jobs. Seriously? This? Again? You’re allowing America and other countries to see a FIFTH one of these movies?! For shame!

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Here we are in the misty mountains of Twilightville, which is where we all know the Twilight movies take place. Twilightville is the home of the Twilightville High School where our fabled underage and way overage lovers first met in science class – a tale as romantic as any… penned by some bored chick in science class in high school. Ahhh, Twilightville, you’ve never looked so tree-y. Apparently, if I wanted to date some ordinary girl then I should go aimlessly wonder through the nearest forest instead of hitting up OkCupid. Out there amongst the trees, girls are free to lay in holes and do other things.

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There it is! Our first shot of Bella’s weddin… hmmmm… Is that a promise ring? Oh, I’m sorry – a vampire promise ring? Doesn’t a wedding ring go on the other hand? Is that an egg? Is that to symbolize the fertilized egg with demon seed from the last movie? In this bit right here, this hand is just hanging out in the Sun light and I guess it’s shimmering or whatever, but it doesn’t look like anything in particular to me. Also, I’ll never forgive Twilight for making their vampires “shimmer” or whatever in sun light instead of EXPLODE INTO ASH AND FLAME like they’re supposed to.

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There she goes! Our favorite completely odd on every level heroine – Bella! This is kind of an unsanctioned track meet for the Twilightville cross country team. Actually, it’s just another stupid scene in the woods. I have a good to great feeling that Stephanie Meyer ate many of her school lunches in the comforts of the woods behind her school because she was a weirdo and did that instead of talking to people like people do. Run, Bella, run!

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As you can see here, Bella has rousted some birds from their tree because that’s what people with super powers do – fuss with birds. Wait to go, Bella! You gave those birds a good scare. Now, do you want to go raise that newborn child of yours that will grow up to be 14 in like a week’s time and then get pounded out by your creepy-ass wolf best friend? No? Ok. Yeah, you go play in the woods more. You’ve earned it.

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Speak of the pedophile. Here’s Jacob, surprisingly with his shirt on although the shirt is the nudest colored shirt ever, so it kind of looks like he is topless. It’s pretty funny how unfazed everyone in these movies are by events that are supposedly the craziest things that ever happen ever. They kind of get over the initial shock preeeeeettyyyyyy quickly. Oh there are violent vampires in Twilightville, oh Bella’s almost died because she sucks, oh Jacob’s now a werewolf and his werewolf crew are going to have to fight the vampires now, oh Bella’s doing something in the woods, oh we’re in Italy or something, oh Bella’s married, oh Bella’s preggers, oh Bella’s giving birth to a demon baby, oh Bella’s a vampire. Every trailer previous to this one has been like, _____ happened and we all know because of ______ that that means we have to go to war! Then they never go to war and they still text each other. I think they all have ADD.

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There he is! The geisha make-uped husband/baby’s daddy of the night, Ed. He’s so dreamy with his cold skin and stark white complexion. I also would like to venture a guess that either Stephanie Meyer’s first and only kiss was with some alopecia having albino or she never kissed a guy ever and couldn’t think of how it would be. I picture Stephanie as Steve Carell in 40 Year Old Virgin trying to describe to the other guys what a woman’s boobs feel like.

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YES! BELLA IS NOW A LAB MOUSE WHO GETS PUT INTO MAZES OR FED TO SNAKES! She’s pale white, she’s got red eyes – I mean Stephanie Meyer may have lost her “7 Minutes in Heaven” virginity to the town albino. I’m picturing that seen in Teen Wolf where the popular kids and Stiles (who was not popular at school, but threw the best and most heavily attended parties – explain that director Rod Daniel) are just shoving kids into the closet. I picture they just shoved the two oddities being the albino, who was an outcast because they are teenagers and they’re not well-versed in pre-existing medical conditions and how there shouldn’t be any prejudice about them, and Stephanie, who ate lunch in the woods talking to the trees.

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There it is! Fucking, yes! It’s the last one! Right? PLEASE! Please be the last one!

I don’t think I can take another one of these.

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Oh. What’s this? We’re not done? A little post title epilogue to this 40 second teaser. Hmmm… interesting.

A deer? Why would there be a deer? It seems like a real non-sequitor here. A shot of Bella’s eyes to confirm that she’s a vampire and then a shot of a deer running in the forEST! WAIT A SECOND! NO! I know what this is! No, Stephanie Meyer! No, Bella! This is not ok! Leave that deer alone!

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AHHHHHH!!!!! STOP IT!

These are the DUMBEST movies. First thing you do once getting vampire powers is to go deer hunting? Aren’t girls supposed to like deer? So, you meet the guy of your dreams who is a total lecherous creep and he puts a kid in you by the time you’re 21 or earlier and then turns you into a mythical nightmarish creature (the vampire, not the preggers thing… although…) and all of a sudden you get your shits and giggles thrill killing Bambi? Is that the message of these movies?

Girls are fucking WEIRD.

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This is my holy date. It better be the end. I know that the world is supposed to end in December of this year, but it will really be my end of days if they come out with a Twilight 6.

Stupidest movies ever.

There’s your breakdown. You’re welcome.

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17 Responses to “The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 Teaser Breakdown”

  1. Kimberlesk said

    AGREED! To all of this — great post!

  2. PWG said

    Man, you didn’t even see the last two, how can you be complaining about this one. And no mention of how Kristen WANTS that deer. She wants that deer more than anything else, ever. You can see it in her raised shoulder, the way my cats hunch their little heads down right before they spring.

    We don’t know what she’s going to do with it. Maybe she’ll ride it around the forest for a while. Maybe she wants to bring home a pet for Reneessemeeessemme. I don’t think we should infer that she means Bambi any harm.

    On another note, how can those two still be dating after all the shit they’ve had to do on camera? I understand how costars in a normal movie can fall in love, all that time together away from your friends and family, Mr. and Mrs. Smith-ing your way right into the sack. But proposing and getting married on film, not to mention gnashing your way through a placenta, seems like it would bring the awkward. One or both of them must have been thinking, “Um, don’t get any ideas here . . . ” I worry that the false intimacy of chewing a baby out of someone prematurely, before you’ve done the emotional heavy lifting of getting there naturally, always leads to a bitter end. When has that ever worked out, right?

    • PWG said

      Remember when Han symbolically impregnated a dead Tauntaun with a Luke-sicle after he light sabered the bejeezus out of that poor thing? It’s just like that, Han and the Tauntaun could never date in real life after that.

      (Sorry, I was having a hard time coming up with a lot of movie stomach slashing scenes. I don’t watch as much anime as you do. Jennifer’s Body? Aliens? Red Riding Hood?)

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      As far as the deer, you know who didn’t kill a deer? Blade. That’s right, Blade! Blade needed to feed on blood too, but Blade and his pal Whistler went out of their way and develop of formula for Blade to take and they did that with science and didn’t run around the woods killing defenseless animals with literal super powers. And you know how easy it would be for Blade to kill a deer? SO EASY. He was super fast, super powerful, an expert in martial arts, an expert in using all sorts of machine guns, and he carried a damn sword, which he used like a damn artist. But Blade just went about his business killing vampires who were trying to take over the world.

      Also, I bet Kristen got all method with her hunting style and followed around some house cats like you mentioned or youtubed a bunch of cat videos. There she is, in the apartment or house she must share with Rob, and she’s mimicking a house cat with Rob watching covered in cigarette smoke and strumming on an acoustic guitar to a Wings song.

  3. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    ok… I’m done.

  4. PWG said

    I’m sorry, I stand 100% corrected. Here is a great article about the similarities between the Twilight and Hunger Games series. What’s the plural of series? It’s still series, yeah?

    Female fandom can be frightening. If you’ve ever stood in the crowd during a public fan event, a premiere or a signing, you’ll know what I mean: the screaming, the hyperventilating, the hollering of throngs of girls who have to be prevented from launching themselves at the poor young lads roped into portraying their fantasy figures in return for millions of dollars and semi-permanent house arrest.

    Like when you had a harem and had to conceal your identity and whereabouts like Bruce Wayne, man.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      “Like when you had a harem and had to conceal your identity and whereabouts like Bruce Wayne, man.”

      Emphasis on “had”. It stings. Everyday.

  5. I still love you, even if you are a former harem owner who doesn’t “get” the appeal of the Twilight movies to, well, some of us female-type humans…not speaking for all females, mind, but some of us really like sparkly things like diamonds & smooth marble-hard skin….we might also enjoy riding on a super strong male who can give us piggy back rides at 60 miles an hour without hitting any trees…we also consider the possibility of endless stamina to be highly desirable…we def like the idea of someone loving us so much that he sacrifices his own needs for ours (yeah, we’re a bit selfish like that sometimes)…and it would be amazing to have our man be willing to chew out his child (miracle of childbirth and all that-he put it in, the least he can do is get it out!) then save us from dying by making us a dead vampire too…

    All just fantasy stuff, of course, we realize that….but it’s fun to pretend….

    We (I) don’t mind that the movies aren’t perfect,,,not really the point, you know?

    Sorry about frightening you, PWG…we might get a bit over zealous looking for said fantasy….reality bites sometimes, you know?

    • PWG said

      Ha ha ha, did you miss me in the hollering throng? It’s just because I’m short. Look down, I’m right there with you. I’m holding my coffee and standing on the outskirts because I don’t want to spill it, but I’m there. Not in front of every circus tent, but some of them for sure.

      That might not have been the best quote to pull from the article, but I thought Jordan would relate to the powerful force of female interest. They made the point that it’s not just directed toward visual performances (movies, actors, singers), but to literary undertakings as well. Since Jordan collected a harem with just the force of his damn mind and words and pictures of Jon Hamm, and sometimes they (cough:we:cough) were enthusiastically deranged, I figured he could relate.

    • PWG said

      I don’t want a 60 mile per hour piggy back ride, though, I will say that. I would hork right down the front of anyone giving me that.

      Or an ice cold penis, for that matter. I know that’s been discussed at length already. “Hey, honey? I just pulled these towels out of the dryer! Why don’t you, um, put them in your lap and fold them. Slowly.”

      Great, now I’m imagining Edward trying to talk Bella into putting a cold teabag on her eyes to reduce swelling when she has allergies. “Get your fucking balls off my face, Edward, for the last time, I do not have allergies.” God, I am so wrong.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I assume these are excerpts from your own version of Twilight fanfiction entitled “365 Days of Beige”.

      • PWG said

        Sure, go ahead and mock my preference for a penis that’s going into me to be at least room temperature. You’ve obviously never encountered a cold speculum in your life.

        Excuse me, I’m off to write medical fetish Twilight fanfic.

  6. Hey, PWG, where can I find some of your fanfic????

  7. Michelle said

    My husband said that Kristen Stewart could kill the deer with her acting quicker than Vampire Bella could kill it.

    M.E.

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