Taking My First Shower In Over Two Days Was A Religious Experience

April 3, 2012

Happy Tuesday!

And the title is 100% true. I shower everyday like almost every time. I really enjoy showering. I rarely get fully naked throughout any point of any day. I’ve always got a t-shirt or shorts or a cummerbund or a sock on or something, so I’m never fully naked. But when I shower I do strip down… all the way down. I know, ladies and gentlemen. Try to contain yourself from masturbating to death over that image. But I digress, I really get completely nude. But the one time a day that I’m balls out and ass out and nipples out and soles of my feet out naked, what do I do?

I SPIN SPIN SPIN IN A MIST OF SOAP BUBBLES AS STREAMS OF HOT WATER SATURATE EVERY INCH OF ME!

It’s a magical time – showering. It’s the gym class of my adult life. In school, I spent hours upon hours sitting in silence crammed into a desk and letting someone lecture at me about things I’ll almost never need to know and surrounded by coed people of the same age doing the same thing – all the while my hormones were nearly tearing me apart from the inside out like the baby alien to John Hurt in Alien. But for one period a day, we stripped down to shorts and t-shirts and were let loose on each other like wild jackalopes playing absolutely every sport you could possibly think of. Gym was the randomest. By the time we got to high school, it was streamlined to each semester was a particular sport as if I was truly honing by floor hockey skills or making sure that I would be the MVP in every game of pick-up volleyball I would be apart of.

Years earlier though, gym could have been absolutely anything. One day – dodgeball. Next day – mile run. Next day – square dancing. Next day – kickball. Next day – trust falls. Literally anything was on the table at any time. I think gym is a great class because kids do need to get tired out to listen and be docile just like you need to take your dog for a walk a million times a day to get it to stop eating your furniture. But there was no semblance of grooming us to be balanced athletes – more so that if someone threw a ball at us and threw even more absurd rules that we would be able to cope and compete apparently.

While we are on the topic of gym and showers, I never took a shower before or after gym class ever. EVER. It’s funny that past generations of people who are apparently crazy homophobic nowadays were always naked with each other in a shower or a pool or lounging about in a locker room at a country club. I don’t get that. I’m not homophobic, but I don’t want to shower with other guys. For as not homophobic I am, I participate in very little homosexual activities. I feel like I’m just a big hypocrite, right? I don’t shower with other guys, I’m never naked around other men at all, I can’t even remember the last man I was naked around that wasn’t at a doctor’s office and it was the doctor. Meanwhile, I would put money on it that Rick Santorum has showered with other men like dozens of times and he’s not that old. I mean if your grandfather is still alive – mine are not, thanks for bringing that up – then I’d guess they’ve showered with tons of dudes… naked. But I haven’t. Not once.

They probably should have let us shower after gym class considering we were just running around, rolling around, fighting, throwing, kicking, jumping, and whatever else you do when you learn how to square dance. Why was it so necessary to teach us how to square dance? First, I don’t need to square dance because it never comes up in my life at all. Second, I’ve been to places where there is square dancing and they teach you how to square dance at those places before there is the actual square dancing for people who know how to do it. Third, do I really need a third reason for why square dancing was taught in multiple years worth of gym?

I obviously haven’t been to a gym class in at least a decade now and I’ve never been a gym teacher in any past life that I know of and I’ve never been a teacher in any past life as far as I know, so I don’t know what it’s like to teach the “curriculum” if there is such a thing for gym teachers… but the gym teachers I had sucked at their job. I don’t care if they are nice or mean or whatever. The point is passing along information and I can’t tell you one lesson I’ve learned from a gym teacher that impacted my life in the least bit. In today’s world of dieticians, nutritionists, the First Lady planting a vegetable garden, kids are fat, and everyone wants to talk about healthy life habits, but KFC’s are opening on every block – well the gym teacher has a very important or could have a very important job teaching life lessons about working out or diet or something.

We should have showered after gym and had stalls for privacy. I mean it’s not easy to learn when you’re soaked in your own sweat and stink like it, but it makes it even more difficult to do the other thing you are sent to go to school to do: get laid. It’s not easy to strike up a conversation with an attractive mate when you just got finished being pelted with rubber balls as fast and hard as a 16 year old can throw it and at the same time your body’s chemistry has decided to have an acne holocaust on your face, and you’ve also got little to offer this particular hypothetical sexual partner besides a gross misunderstanding on how to please someone mentally, physically, emotionally, financially or any -ly. So, I’m just saying, at least smelling of nice soap would’ve helped a little bit.

As for news, I have no news. I will say I read this earlier today and thought it was very witty and appropriate – http://www.vulture.com/2012/04/fifty-shades-of-grey-the-thinking-womans-guide.html

Questions?

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8 Responses to “Taking My First Shower In Over Two Days Was A Religious Experience”

  1. PWG said

    First of all, if it’s just going to be you and me here, you might as well e-mail your posts to me and I’ll e-mail you my egocentric random ravings directly. Fuck lurking, you lurkers out there should write stuff. Jordan writes all of these quality posts day after day and is getting no love for it anymore.

    Second of all, I’m trying to ignore all things “Fifty Shades” since reading the first 500 words of it via somebody’s Twitter link. The Smolinski review seems accurate based on that. But now you should go out and find me links to well-written porn instead. It’s always easier to criticize than create, people. Bonus points if it’s not fan fiction of any kind.

    I also never showered before/after gym, they didn’t let us back in the locker room early enough. Which was the worst after swimming, since they added about 10 gallons of water to a Shamu tank full of Clorox and called it a pool. I think it was supposed to kill the water polo team’s STDs, but it just turned our hair green and made us smell like a HazMat site the rest of the day.

    I’m always around naked people; you should get out more. I think a public gym locker room or airport bathroom is your best bet for a more casually homosexual environment.

    And lastly, not because anyone cares but why not just drop it in here since it’s just me and I don’t have my own blog, I once said in the comments that I didn’t like the first Harry Dresden book by Jim Butcher. Mostly because the title was Storm Front, which seems very Aryan to me. Anyway, I ended up loving the whole series and read all 14 or so of them one after the other. Good stuff.

    • oilily2001 said

      I loooooove this blog! But I’m too shy to post regularly, mostly because I’m not English or American.
      I didn’t shower in gym either, but I loooove to shower now and sometimes I do it two times a day. ;))

  2. That article will likely be Julieanne’s most widely read piece of writing, and she’s written a lot. The ladies on Twitter are loving it. I certainly hope she’s ready for the crazies. I see some of them are already showing up in the comments (of the Vulture article, not here — the crazies have been here for a long time now).

    “i’m a 30-something, ivy-league educated woman. i read all three of these crappy books and loved every minute of it. what’s wrong with wanting to see what everybody else is talking about? what’s wrong with reading a little fantasy kink and enjoying it? so what that it’s poorly written–that’s not really the point, is it?

    This is what I sounded like whenever I tried to defend Twilight, isn’t it? That’s depressing…

    We didn’t shower in gym, either. We were too busy judging the girls who developed too quickly and the girls who developed too slowly, all while hiding ourselves from the two female gym teachers who were totally lesbians together. One left her husband for the other. THAT SHIT REALLY HAPPENS.

  3. @HB That’s what I sound like when I defend Twilight also-it wasn’t written to win a Nobel prize or Pulitzer…and I love every word (mostly-I hate one part, where in New Moon, after her father finds out that she slugged Jake for kissing her against her will, he says, “good for you kid” to Jake! Ugh! He should’ve shot him, just sayin’, Steffie!).

    I assume you mean you have an enclosed shower as opposed to one of those all glass windowy things that make you feel all au naturel and naturey like you’re outside showering under a waterfall? I would like one of those-perhaps I’m a closet exhibitionist.. Or not…

    I hated gym class and used to hide in the girls’ bathroom after donning the requisite nasty one piece suit we were given (Green! Horizontal stripes! No zippers or buttons or snaps-you stepped in & yanked it up-it did not flatter the tall chubby adolescent that was me) because Bella was a graceful gazelle-like creature compared to me-I broke my foot playing hopscotch-true story! and, story of my life…also fell down dancing & had to have 4 stitches above my left eyebrow-don’t ask! I am now needlephobic as a result.

    Not just a lurker…a lover? mmm…

  4. btw, why has it been 2 days? or is that too personal….

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I showered Saturday. I was going to shower on Sunday, but got too lazy and didn’t. I got a haircut last Thursday, so my hair is short now and is easier to conceal how unshowered it is. When Monday rolled around, I planned on showering, but stupidly justified to myself that bit before that I could conceal my unshoweredness – pure laziness. On Tuesday, I realized I had quickly become a mess in life and I needed to fix myself.

      Nothing really personal. I fell into a lazy hole an L-hole.

  5. Hopie Dopie said

    I lurk alot but don’t post because I have self-esteem issues 🙂 Not really, I’m just usually laughing too hard after reading your blog to type a coherent piece of anything, shit or otherwise. So, yeah…………

  6. nixhaw said

    Your gym class sounds like fun. I want to have had your gym classes…

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