Taking My First Shower In Over Two Days Was A Religious Experience
April 3, 2012
And the title is 100% true. I shower everyday like almost every time. I really enjoy showering. I rarely get fully naked throughout any point of any day. I’ve always got a t-shirt or shorts or a cummerbund or a sock on or something, so I’m never fully naked. But when I shower I do strip down… all the way down. I know, ladies and gentlemen. Try to contain yourself from masturbating to death over that image. But I digress, I really get completely nude. But the one time a day that I’m balls out and ass out and nipples out and soles of my feet out naked, what do I do?
I SPIN SPIN SPIN IN A MIST OF SOAP BUBBLES AS STREAMS OF HOT WATER SATURATE EVERY INCH OF ME!
It’s a magical time – showering. It’s the gym class of my adult life. In school, I spent hours upon hours sitting in silence crammed into a desk and letting someone lecture at me about things I’ll almost never need to know and surrounded by coed people of the same age doing the same thing – all the while my hormones were nearly tearing me apart from the inside out like the baby alien to John Hurt in Alien. But for one period a day, we stripped down to shorts and t-shirts and were let loose on each other like wild jackalopes playing absolutely every sport you could possibly think of. Gym was the randomest. By the time we got to high school, it was streamlined to each semester was a particular sport as if I was truly honing by floor hockey skills or making sure that I would be the MVP in every game of pick-up volleyball I would be apart of.
Years earlier though, gym could have been absolutely anything. One day – dodgeball. Next day – mile run. Next day – square dancing. Next day – kickball. Next day – trust falls. Literally anything was on the table at any time. I think gym is a great class because kids do need to get tired out to listen and be docile just like you need to take your dog for a walk a million times a day to get it to stop eating your furniture. But there was no semblance of grooming us to be balanced athletes – more so that if someone threw a ball at us and threw even more absurd rules that we would be able to cope and compete apparently.
While we are on the topic of gym and showers, I never took a shower before or after gym class ever. EVER. It’s funny that past generations of people who are apparently crazy homophobic nowadays were always naked with each other in a shower or a pool or lounging about in a locker room at a country club. I don’t get that. I’m not homophobic, but I don’t want to shower with other guys. For as not homophobic I am, I participate in very little homosexual activities. I feel like I’m just a big hypocrite, right? I don’t shower with other guys, I’m never naked around other men at all, I can’t even remember the last man I was naked around that wasn’t at a doctor’s office and it was the doctor. Meanwhile, I would put money on it that Rick Santorum has showered with other men like dozens of times and he’s not that old. I mean if your grandfather is still alive – mine are not, thanks for bringing that up – then I’d guess they’ve showered with tons of dudes… naked. But I haven’t. Not once.
They probably should have let us shower after gym class considering we were just running around, rolling around, fighting, throwing, kicking, jumping, and whatever else you do when you learn how to square dance. Why was it so necessary to teach us how to square dance? First, I don’t need to square dance because it never comes up in my life at all. Second, I’ve been to places where there is square dancing and they teach you how to square dance at those places before there is the actual square dancing for people who know how to do it. Third, do I really need a third reason for why square dancing was taught in multiple years worth of gym?
I obviously haven’t been to a gym class in at least a decade now and I’ve never been a gym teacher in any past life that I know of and I’ve never been a teacher in any past life as far as I know, so I don’t know what it’s like to teach the “curriculum” if there is such a thing for gym teachers… but the gym teachers I had sucked at their job. I don’t care if they are nice or mean or whatever. The point is passing along information and I can’t tell you one lesson I’ve learned from a gym teacher that impacted my life in the least bit. In today’s world of dieticians, nutritionists, the First Lady planting a vegetable garden, kids are fat, and everyone wants to talk about healthy life habits, but KFC’s are opening on every block – well the gym teacher has a very important or could have a very important job teaching life lessons about working out or diet or something.
We should have showered after gym and had stalls for privacy. I mean it’s not easy to learn when you’re soaked in your own sweat and stink like it, but it makes it even more difficult to do the other thing you are sent to go to school to do: get laid. It’s not easy to strike up a conversation with an attractive mate when you just got finished being pelted with rubber balls as fast and hard as a 16 year old can throw it and at the same time your body’s chemistry has decided to have an acne holocaust on your face, and you’ve also got little to offer this particular hypothetical sexual partner besides a gross misunderstanding on how to please someone mentally, physically, emotionally, financially or any -ly. So, I’m just saying, at least smelling of nice soap would’ve helped a little bit.
As for news, I have no news. I will say I read this earlier today and thought it was very witty and appropriate – http://www.vulture.com/2012/04/fifty-shades-of-grey-the-thinking-womans-guide.html