APRIL MOVIE PREVIEWS – The Limited Releases That Never Should Have Been part 1
April 4, 2012
Happy Hump Day! Happy I dreamed my next door neighbor said she slept with Rich Eisen of NFL TV fame. What in the fuck is in my brain? I had so many dreams last night that were bat shit insane that I’m 100% blaming cheese. Yep, cheese! I have read that if you eat cheese before you go to sleep you get crazy dreams. I had some wild nightmarish fever dreams last night and 30-40 minutes prior I ate a snack bag of Cheez-Its. Obviously, it was the cheese cracker and not my own insanity which caused these dreams. Also, I don’t know what it’s like to be a woman – there wasn’t a question to that right? – but being a man and having weird lunatic dreams gets kind of creepy because there’s a 91% chance you’re waking up with a boner. True story. No matter what a guy dreams about there’s a 91% chance he’s waking up with a boner, but when you do dream about weird shit and you wake up with a boner – you do question the boner. Does being chased by a minotaur around my elementary school while classes are in session and all I have to fight the minotaur is a super soaker squirt gun really give me a boner? Does owning two more dogs than I currently have really give me a boner? Does having sex with my 7th grade Spanish teacher while on a post apocalyptic planet give me a boner?
Well… yes on the last one, and maybe yes on one of the other two. I don’t know, but it happens.
Anyway… as the title suggests, I will be previewing movies for this month of April that we are currently in.
There is a strange thing going on this month, everything is in “limited release”. I don’t know how that is, but only a few movies this month are scheduled for national release meanwhile the rest – who knows? It’s as if April was decided upon to be the month that Hollywood producers set free their pseudo indie nonsense and see what sticks. Well, you’ll see soon enough. April movies are kind of odd. Trust me – there are a lot of limited releases, but I’m not going through all of them obviously and the few that I do grab caught my eye for some reason or another. Why am I still writing here? You’ll find out later in the post. Goodbye for now.
TITANIC … in 3D!
It’s pronounced “Tit-ain-eek”. This is a low budget documentary of sorts about a cruise ship, which crashed on its way between England and the US of A back when people thought that was a good idea to take the voyage via cruise ship. I’m just foolin’! Ahahahahaha… just joshin’! Hahahahah… of course, everyone remembers the 3 hour romantic cryathon for some and for others the 3 hour snoozefest highlighted by a half hour of JACK! ROSE! JACK! ROSE! JACK?! ROSE! JACK?! ROSE!! JACK?? Rose. JACK??? Ro-gurgle-gurgle… dead. JACK????! … Anyway, if you feel like watching a movie that you no doubt own or could easily find on the internet for the low cost of nothing, but you want to pay for it like almost $20 to see one or two shots of the movie in 3D, but you will need to wear those dumb ass glasses for 3 hours and you may either end up crying AGAIN in public or you’ll realize how stupid this movie was and you’ll question what you were crying about all those years ago.
Not seeing it.
Remember when no one asked for there to be an American Wedding and then no could have ever expected an American Reunion? One of the “film”makers involved in these American Pie sequels must give the very best DL blowjobs to some Hollywood producer because no one could possibly want to see this at all outside of Tara Reid’s AA or NA sponsor. I can think of a million reasons why I shouldn’t see this movie and I can only think of one reason as to why I should see it: I’ve seen the others. That’s it! THAT’S THE ONLY REASON TO SEE THIS MOVIE! If you have seen the others then they are trying to guilt you into seeing this one. It’s not going to work on me. I saw American Pie 1 and 2 in theaters and I have seen I imagine all of American Wedding through bits and pieces on TV back when they showed it. But I’m not seeing this one. I can’t believe they think this is a good idea for a movie or justified even. Who the fuck cares?! They weren’t likeable characters in the first one let alone now in the fourth one. What are we saying? The first one was good? Seriously?! Good? I think we’re stretching what “good” is by a lot. I can name why I saw the first movie way back when – 50% because Blink 182 was in it and 50% because there was nudity in it. That’s it. And if that deserves a 4th film then Blink 182 should be at Carnegie Hall with the New York Philharmonic backing them up on “All the Small Things”. As for the nudity, if Shannon Elizabeth is still getting pay checks for taking her top off then fucking bronze those boobs and put them in the Museum of Television and Radio. But never make another American Pie sequel.
Never. Ever. Not seeing it.
DAMSELS IN DISTRESS
I won’t lie to you, I have no idea what this movie is about. What I do know is that that is Greta Gerwig in the middle with the blonde hair, flanked by her well-dressed back-up singers, and walking with a purpose. I saw Greta on Jimmy Fallon last week promoting this movie and my first reaction was, “Greta Gerwig! I saw her naked in Greenberg.” Yep. Did you see Greenberg? Well, it was supposed to be a dramedy with Ben Stiller and Greta Gerwig. It wasn’t particularly good or bad, but you do see Greta naked a bunch in it and you see Ben Stiller with an Jew-fro. I won’t lie to you again, the better of the two was seen Greta naked… a lot. What is this movie about? Well, that didn’t make it any better. I read the synopsis and I’ll never see this movie. Greta’s the new girl at a college where she meets some chicks who teach her how to dress and act proper, so Clueless from Brittany Murphy’s perspective, but(!) it turns out Breckin Meyer is played by Adam Brody. So, don’t see this movie. I mean I doubt you’ll get the chance to, but it doesn’t sound too good. Go see Greenberg for the H-E-L-L of it and see Greta get naked. She looks good naked.
Is that Willem Dafoe getting all Steven Seagal on someone’s ass? Yes it is. So The Hunterhas a hideous storyline where Dafoe is a mercenary (Clear And Present Danger, anyone?) who gets paid to hunt a tiger in Tazmania or something. He ends up living with a family down there who lost their father and then he kind of takes that fatherly role, which turns into him I guess jacking up dude’s in a shitty liquor store. I don’t know either. Anyway, you’ll never see this movie and I’ll never see this movie. Instead, may I suggest watching one of the Willem Dafoe movies you have heard of… or watch 2003‘s The Hunted with Benecio Del Toro, Tommy Lee Jones, and Ashley Judd. It’s 100% a ripoff of Rambo, but this time Rambo is bad and played by Del Toro and it ends with Tommy Lee Jones and Benecio Del Toro having a knife fight. Honestly, don’t you want to see that movie?!
There’s a distinct possibility this movie is the worst and most unwatchable movie ever made and will become a cult classic. That’s my guess. I watched some of and not all of the trailer I just posted above and it looked absolutely HORRENDOUS. The synopsis of the film sounds absolutely stupid beyond measure – Jason Patric is the leader of a gang? Whaaaaaaaa? The movie claims to have graphic nudity and sexuality. Two things – 1. of course it does, and 2. Isabella Rossellini is in the movie and as beautiful as she once was she’s replaced that with sheer unbridled insanity. She’s a fucking creep. People have seen that tick video or whatever that was and it’s fucked up. She does some fucked up things and this is just another one of them.
Well… I do like Michelle Yeoh and I do like most of Luc Besson’s work. But this sounds a little too much for me. It’s one of those Love in the Time of Cholera type of movies. It’s going to be way too dramatic with way too much symphony music and way too much “look how pretty nature is” type of bullshit. Listen, I’ve seen enough of those movies to last two life times. I didn’t see War Horse because it is that type of bullshit I don’t want to see anymore. I get it – you want to make me sad, but it’s not going to happen. I’ll wait for both Yeoh and Besson to do another action film or something. As for the plot of the movie, if this poster interests you then go see it – if it doesn’t then move on.
Nope. I saw the movie Machete. Before I saw that movie, if someone said, “do you think Danny Trejo could be the star of an action movie?” I would have thought back to the mid 90’s when Danny Trejo looked like a total badass in Desperado as the knife throwing assassin. I might have said yes, but I would have been wrong. The reason why I would have been wrong is that I wouldn’t think about the fact that Danny Trejo could be the oldest man on the planet and he could be the same height as Warwick Davis. Those two things became completely apparent in Machete. I like Danny Trejo, but he is too old and too small to be an action star. This movie Bad Ass will be playing a little off how old Danny is, but not really. I’m glad he’s making a pay check though.
THE CABIN IN THE WOODS
Our savior! No doubt you’ve seen the enigmatic commercials for this movie, which are played nonstop on some channels. It’s a horror movie. It’s a slasher. It’s a mystery. It’s also supposed to be clever and self-aware and all that stuff. The movie is written by the internet’s favoritest writer Joss Whedon. It’s getting rave reviews… on the internet. It’s also supposed to be a big twist ending that none of us are supposed to ruin for each other. I kind of hate movies that rely on twist endings to be good, but with this shitty month of movies – I’m going to see The Cabin in the Woods. I don’t remember the last horror movie I saw in theaters, but it was awhile back. Anyway, it’s supposed to be the cleverest, funnest horror movie everest.
THE EYE OF THE STORM
This is the most British movie to come out since the last most British movie to come out. The movie is actually Australian, but you know it’s British. Just look at it! That’s Geoffrey Rush. He’s Australian, but every movie he makes is somehow British, so this one is also British. And Colin Firth is in it! Nothing says British like FIRTH! The movie is about a family relationship and their “sharp undercurrents”. So fucking British! Don’t see this movie in the theaters because no doubt it will be on PBS or Lifetime or BBC by Summer, so just wait it out if you like watching British soap opera movies.
No one is above pay check – even Guy Pearce. Seriously, this looks horrible. I love Guy Pearce. He’s one of my favorite actors. He’s in a lot of my favorite movies. He’s an underrated working actor of his generation. And apparently, he needs money. That is where this movie comes from. The movie itself is a rip off of Escape from LA, but it’s set in SPACE! Some people might say, “Why isn’t it a ripoff of Escape from New York?” In that movie, Snake Pliskin is rescuing the President and in LA he’s rescuing the President’s daughter – you dumb fuck. That’s what this movie is about. Guy Pearce plays the ONE GUY who can go somewhere and rescue someone (President’s daughter played by Maggie Grace) and do so with rapid fire one-liners that make you want to stick screwdrivers through your ear drums. The movie looks awful and that’s about that and it’s getting a national release. Yeah!
THE THREE STOOGES
I’m not going to acknowledge the worst idea and follow-thru for a movie ever, but it is getting a national release. I am willing to acknowledge Kate Upton in this bikini of sorts that does appear in the movie for I imagine 10 to 15 seconds. Kate Upton is a beautiful young lady and I hope she has a long career in wearing almost no clothes to no clothes at all.
That’s the first half of the month of April’s movies. Sadly this is not a joke and those are in fact real movies that people spent money, time, and resources on and even sadder yet people will spend their own time watching them.
Maybe tomorrow the second half of April won’t be so bad.
I wouldn’t count on it.