APRIL MOVIE PREVIEWS – The Limited Releases That Never Should Have Been part 2

April 5, 2012

Happy Thursday!

If you caught yesterday’s post, you will know that April is turning out to be a shittier month for movies than the past few shitty months of movies. But… BUT… BUT!!!! I will say that the second half of the month does have a few more light spots than the first half. Albeit, one of the biggest light spots is a documentary that most of America and the world will need to wait for it to come out on Netflix or Amazon or to download illegally or where ever. That documentary is Fightville which comes out in New York and Los Angeles on April 20th (smoke it if you got it, am I right?). I’ll talk about the doc later in the post, but I wanted to make it stand out in your brains even more, so when I get to the part of the post with Fightville in it, you’ll be like, “I’ve heard of that!” And it’s all because of my genius not so subliminal writing. GO SEE THIS MOVIE! SUPPORT THAT MOVIE!

Anyway, Happy Endings was the bomb last night. I don’t often call things the “bomb”, but it was even da bomb. If you catch my drift. Also, NBC has been doing a good job with its Wednesday night line-up of back-to-back episodes of Bent. I have no idea what Bent necessarily is referring to, but it is a good show. I like it. I like it a lot. Also, I’m dying for new episodes of Suburgatory. Truthfully. I am actually more excited for new episodes of that show than Modern Family. Don’t get me wrong, that show is great and I still want new episodes, but it’s fallen down a few pegs. And as we talk about ABC, I haven’t watched a new episode of Cougartown at all. It has been completely replaced by Suburgatory. Let’s move on… MOVIES!

CHIMPANZEE

I’m going to give you a minute and take a wild fucking guess what Disney Nature’s Chimpanzee is about. Got a guess? Is it a rom-com about recent college graduates struggling in the work force and coming to grips that they’re getting older and they’re going to want to start a family someday and they’re all played by 35 year olds except the 21 year old chick who takes her top off 52 minutes into the movie, but then regrets it and ends up with the guy who is the lead at the end of the movie? Nope. Strangely enough, Chimpanzee is about CHIMPANZEES! It’s crazy, right? There was a movie called Submarine that had nothing to do with submarines, there was a movie called Tyrannosaur that never mentioned dinosaurs, there were these movies called Star Wars that had nothing to do with warring stars… hmmm… well, I guess it just sounded better than Space Wars even though it was really just about laser sword wielding ninjas who hate the government. Anyway, do you like chimpanzees? Do you like monkeys in general? Then go see the fucking movie and stop asking me questions.

DARLING COMPANION

Do you like watching old people fuck? Or should I say, do you like watching old people trying to talk each other into wanting to fuck while I’m assuming they walk a dog? I don’t. Personally, I don’t. I don’t know about you and what you like to do, but I’m going to wash my brain with bleach after I finish writing this post to forget that this movie is even being made. I will say though, if you’re going to watch two senior citizens fuck then you’ve got the all-star tandem in Harrison Ford and Diane Keaton. Honestly, they’re two of the better looking AARP card holders in the world and if that’s what you’re into – watching geriatrics do the humpty hump – then Keaton and Ford are about as good as you’re going to get. Ford is 69 and turning 70 in a couple months and he’s still putting his viagra’d wood to Ally McBeal, which a big thumbs up to Ford on that. Meanwhile, Keaton is a newly minted 66 who honestly hasn’t looked any different in the past 20 years. Both were on my “50 over 60” list and would still be if I made a new list(s). They’re both technically GILFs, right? Oh yeah, what’s the movie about? Um, who the fuck cares? If you’re going to see this movie then you’re seeing it for the above reasons. You like Ford (still) and Keaton (still) and you want to see them flirt with each other. That’s about it. Case closed. Next!

*It’s been brought to my attention that that is Kevin Kline in the poster and movie and I’m retarded. I set up the pictures last night and wrote the previews this morning and only quickly glanced at the posters to job my memory of what each one was and in that glance I thought that was Harrison Ford instead of Kevin Kline. This movie would be better with Ford instead of Kline. Anyway, go see this movie anyway and just pretend it’s Harrison Ford the whole time. That seems plausible, right? Whatever. It’s not like this movie will be seen by more than 10 people anyway. Fuck it. I haven’t even seen a commercial for this, so just pretend that Ford was in a movie with Keaton that you didn’t see instead of Kline. Jeez.

FIGHTVILLE

I’ve heard of this movie. Someone really smart and handsome and tall and who has a beard so thick you would need to use a pitching wedge to get out of it told me it was a really good movie. Hmmmm… I wonder who that was? Anyway, this movie looks incredible. I know it is tailored to my tastes per say, but it has gotten great reviews from film festivals including South by Southwest. So take those hipsters’ words for it. The documentary is about local MMA shows in Louisiana. The focus is on one particular gym called The Gladiators Academy in Lafayette, Louisiana. From there the three stars or so of the movie are UFC fighter and gym owner Tim Credeur who plays an Obi-Wan Kenobi like mentor role to the Luke Skywalker hero, UFC featherweight Dustin Poirier who is seen celebrating a victory in this poster. There is another guy in the movie who I don’t really know, but is also a young hopeful like Dustin, but I don’t think he goes anywhere. I’m not sure because I haven’t seen the movie. On the other hand, I do know Dustin and since the movie was filmed – he made it into the UFC and has won all of his fights in pretty remarkable fashion. He is main eventing a card in May I believe in Fairfax, Virginia which will be on Fuel TV. If Dustin wins that fight then there is a good chance that he will fight for the title against current champion Jose Aldo. Anyway, Dustin is great. I’ve interviewed him twice, met him twice, entertaining as hell to watch fight, and is good at twitter.

Lastly, here is the original trailer for the movie… I love this trailer and it should make you want to see this movie…

Ok… back to crappy movies…

THE LUCKY ONE

I have no idea what this movie is about except that in the commercials Zac Efron says something about them needing to kiss everyday. SWOON! Am I rizz-ite?! If by”the lucky one” they’re referring to this bitch who gets to kiss Zac Efron every day of her life then she’s luckier than the damn Powerball winners. Can I get an AMEN?! Woooo! … I have no idea what I’m talking about, but the Efron is a good looking dude. He’s working the scruff now and don’t think I don’t notice his guns at the bottom right of this poster. Someone is GTL-ing! AM I RIGHT?! I need to stop. Well, what’s this movie about? Basically, it’s about you getting wet in your panties for Zac Efron in a public theater. That’s about the long and short of it. Story? There’s probably one, but it’s centered around Efron dreamily kissing this chick over and over in slow mo and in spinning camera shots to make you lust for the EFRON! It’s a Zac-attack in your snatch! AM I FUCKING RIGHT?! … … … I need to drink less caffeine in the morning.

THINK LIKE A MAN

Do you like Tyler Perry movies, but hate Tyler Perry? PERFECT because this movie is for you. It’s another movie to prove black people can make just as terrible romantic comedies as white people. For whatever reason – racism – black people are kind of completely left out of these big shitty rom coms like He’s Just Not That Into You, Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve et cetera. Also, they’re kind of left out of all the other shitty rom coms that Kate Hudson is in. What’s up with Kate Hudson? She doesn’t like BBCs? Her and her only, AM I RIGHT?! I thought I was done, but I’m not apparently. Anyway, I think you can guess how bad this movie is and how paint by numbers this movie is by the poster. But let me say two things about this movie:

1. There are some uncontrollably hot black women in this movie! Wow! Gabrielle Union, Taraji P. Henson, Meagan Good, and Regina Hall. Those are some amazing look black women. Amazing looking. Like I’ve had X rated dreams about all of them. Like more than X like XXX like some are illegal. Too good looking these women.

This first point about how crazy hot those women are leads into my second point…

2. There are some completely average to well below average looking men in this movie! Wow! I mean who makes a movie with four crazy hot women and then the most attractive dude is Romany Malco? Most people don’t even know that dude by name! He’s the guy on the bottom right getting his vest grabbed by arguably the foxiest black chick alive Meagan Good. And Malco is a pretty generic good looking dude. He’s funny too. As far as the rest of them, I mean Kevin Hart is funny dude too, but c’mon – he’s 5’2″. Ok, he’s probably taller than 5’2″, but it doesn’t even matter because he doesn’t even have a woman in this poster. Who is the rest? Some dude with a flat top, Nick Cannon’s understudy, and Turtle. FUCKING TURTLE?! Listen, any chick who has sex with Turtle is fucking idiot and shouldn’t be allowed to vote or have children or anything. I know that means I’m talking about Jamie Lynn Sigler, but I’m perfectly comfortable with that because look at the dudes she’s been bedding. They’re awful choices. C’mon! Everyone knows you’re not supposed to get together with their manager. That’s never worked out for the best ever! Anyway, Gabrielle Union is not fucking Turtle. Enough said. No one is seeing this movie anyway.

96 MINUTES

The movie is about a carjacking and the first name I saw on the cast list is Brittany Snow and the first image I see on the trailer is two black dudes re-enacting Friday – so I’m guessing those dudes jack Snow’s car. Is that what happens? Who cares? No one is seeing this movie ever unless they were involved in making it. This is some ripoff’s ripoff of Crash (the Oscar winning one) where they’re really going to turn the race debate on its head. Yeah, I bet. I only mentioned this movie because Brittany Snow’s attractive and remember when Christian Serratos was in like one scene of Twilight and she didn’t look hot at all, but then after New Moon came out she appeared in a million magazines where she was basically naked and had a body of a porn star? I do. I remember. Never forget.

BERNIE

I want this to be funny. I want Jack Black to be funny again. He was kind of killing it for awhile. It’s been 4 years since Tropic Thunder. FOUR YEARS! That’s awhile. I guess some people like those Kung Fu Panda movies, but I’m not in nursery school, so I don’t really care at all. This movie sounds like it might be ok, but at the same time it sounds terrible. Jack Black is supposed to be a beloved funeral home operator who ends up befriending a mean old bitch played by Shirley MacLaine and then the two of them become inseparable and then she’s seemingly killed by Jack Black and Matthew McConasdhfgggehey is in charge of trying to catch Black. Does that even sound funny? I don’t even know anymore. I do love Jack Black or am still willing to love him. But I probably won’t see this movie unless it gets amazing reviews, which I doubt it will.

THE FIVE-YEAR ENGAGEMENT

They couldn’t make this poster more about Bridesmaids than they have. It’s a wedding, they look disheveled, they’re using the same colors, same font, and it even says BRIDESMAIDS in huge letters right at the top. It’s worked. I’m seeing this movie. I like Jason, I like Emily, I like Bridesmaids, and I’m ready to go see this fucking movie. Let it come out now! Right now! The idea of the movie is that these two are supposed to get married, but they put it off for work and then they keep putting it off because of moving for work and yadda yadda yadda. You’ll see it. I’ll see it. It looks about the most watchable movie in the month of April, so we’ll all see it. Next.

SOME CARTOON MOVIE WITH PIRATES

Do you have kids? Do you see every other shitty kids movie that comes out with your kid(s)? Then you’re seeing this one too.

Do you not have kids? You’ll never see this movie.

THE RAVEN

When you were watching the first Sherlock Holmes movie or were watching Sleepy Hollow, did you ever think to yourself – man, I wish John Cusack was the main character of this movie? Yes? No? Well, here it is whether you wanted it or not. The Raven couldn’t look anymore like a ripoff of either Sleepy Hollow and/or the first Sherlock Holmes unless they literally called it A Ripoff of Sherlock Holmes and/or Sleepy Hollow starring John Cusack. I probably won’t see this movie. If it came out this weekend, I might, but probably not when it does come out. The director of the movie is the guy who did V for Vendetta which I do love, but that movie has WAY BETTER source material than this load. Also, Cusack looks too ridiculous to take seriously in this movie. At least that’s Johnny Depp’s schtick is that he’s so absurd all the time. The only thing this movie has going for it really is that Alice Eve is in it and she’s pretty much a British Scarlett Johansson except she isn’t trying to force that British accent. What I mean is that Alice Eve is blonde, gorgeous, and solely in this movie for eye candy, but I think she’s trapped in a box for half of the movie and you’re going to spend a good hour plus staring at Cusack’s stupid facial hair. Why did I think I was seeing this movie? Next.

SAFE

Do you normally see Jason Statham movies? You’re seeing this movie.

Do you normally not see Jason Statham movie? You’re not seeing this movie. Ever.

And finally…

SOUND OF MY VOICE

This looks really good. Did you happen to see Another Earth? It’s the chick from that movie! Brit Marling is her name. Anyway, one of the best movies that came out in 2011 was the indie sci-fi movie Another Earth which you should all see. This also looks to be one of the more appealing movies of this year and certainly of the first 4 months. The movie is about a couple who decide they’re going to infiltrate and expose a religious cult that is run by Brit Marling’s character who claims she’s from the future. The movie looks just as indie and clever and intense as Another Earth and Marling looks even better as an actress in this one than Another Earth. I’m definitely looking forward to this movie. The trailer is up on the internet for you to see and also the first 10 minutes of the movie is up on the movie’s website I believe. I haven’t watched the first 10 minutes yet, but the trailer is definitely great and made me really want to see this movie badly.

So that’s April.

Some good. A lot of bad. And we’re only a month away from May where we’ll get to watch a bunch more movies that cost even more money that will probably suck a ton of balls. Literally, 2000 pounds worth of testicles.

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3 Responses to “APRIL MOVIE PREVIEWS – The Limited Releases That Never Should Have Been part 2”

  1. PWG said

    Am I missing the part where Harrison Ford is in the Old People Fucking movie? Because I would watch an Old People Fucking movie with him in it. He’s the original Ryan Gosling, all insouciant on screen and rescue-y in real life.

    But that’s Kevin Kline in the picture up there, and I’m only 40% sure I want to see Kevin Kline fucking.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I’m an idiot. I added a footnote to that old people fucking movie. Whatever. You’re not seeing that movie anyway. Kevin Kline is also a good looking man past 60. He’s turning 65 this year. But yes, I completely understand why you or anyone else would rather have sex with Ford’s 70 year old penis and not Kline’s 65 year old one.

  2. PWG said

    I imagine “Zac Attack in your Snatch!” as a very popular reality show when Idiocracy happens in real life. He’ll still be young enough to star in it, because it’s not that far off.

    On a mildly related note, you’ve heard the phrase “don’t stick your dick in crazy” before? Well I just saw “don’t stuff your muff with crazy” and I laughed and laughed. Funny, rhymes, ERA-friendly and also good advice. Oh Twitter, you’re so educational.

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