Weekend Report starring Kay-Swidge-Izzle and the Fabulous Moolahs!

April 9, 2012

Happy Monday!

Happy surviving the weekend!

Happy there were a decent amount of comments last week that tickled me from top to tail!

Happy to all of it!

I do have the unfortunate news that the Fabulous Moolahs died today when they were tragically shot to death with laser rifles from a rogue alien drive-by. But I’m still here! So, fuck the Moolahs, right?

Anyway, let’s start talking about MY weekend. Reason being, I don’t have any clue what you did on YOUR weekend. That would be tough unless I was stalking each and every one of you using some type of dimensional portal device where I could be every where at once or a time travel device that I just keep jumping back in time to stalk your weekend. Honestly, if I did have either of those devices, I probably wouldn’t be stalking you. I would be way too busy stalking Seal or Sylvester Stallone or Christina Hendricks before she met her bug eyed husband. That’s probably what I would be up to. Nevertheless… my weekend:

FRIDAY

HAPPY PASSOVER!!!!

I visited the land of milk and honey and staph infection and sketch balls “mechanics” aka New Brunswick, New Jersey. I was there specifically to see a benefit concert at a place dubbed “The Loft” to support a record store named “Sound Station” which burned down recently in my home town of Westfield, New Jersey. Ahhh yes, “Sound Station” – I bought my first Black Flag albums there and Minor Threat albums there and Iced Earth albums there and a wide range of mostly aggressive and loud music. The owner, Bob, turned me onto Black Flag’s “Family Man” album and I equate part of my craziness today from listening to that a lot when I was in high school.

So, I show up in what I hope was the bad section of New Brunswick because if there are worse areas then that’s not good news for New Brunswick. The Loft itself is an actual loft style apartment which you have to get to by climbing a rickety wooden stair case I can only imagine the residents built themselves one day… drunk… really drunk. This staircase is gotten to by entering the parking lot of what I would assume was the neighborhood’s #1 “chop shop”. Once inside The Loft, the atmosphere was as inviting as any snuff film set you’ve been to.

The band was set up and playing in the kitchen. Which is funny because people usually don’t play in the kitchen, but also the room next door to the kitchen had a fucking stage in it. Bands usually play on stages and loft apartments usually don’t have stages, so why the fuck does this apartment have a stage and have bands in it playing, but one isn’t using the other? No clue. Back to the kitchen, the place is almost pitch black in there with only 3 sources of light: a small desk lamp on the kitchen counter, a table lamp in the far corner, and a stream of light from the bathroom door being ajar. But DON’T GO INTO THAT BATHROOM! I went in and I’m a dude and all I have to do is unzip a 6 inch zipper and let my urine fly and land where ever and I still think there’s 50% chance I caught something.

Back to the scene in the kitchen, the band itself was rocking. I have no idea what their name was, but they did rock. The drummer was working himself to death back there and the one of two chicks in the room was smashing keys on the electric organ. I liked them. The crowd was about 20-30 dudes all just staring forward and watching this band as if it was a time traveling Andy Warhol giving us a speech on art theory. But 30 dudes, standing in a bombed out apartment, in the dark, and being all intense and quiet and not talking to each other – sounds like an aggressive circle jerk more than a concert, but it was a decent concert and I don’t know if a circle jerk opened up after I left.

The second band was decent and the third band was the band I came to see Birthwater. They were great as always. I think you can find their old album online, but they’re recording something new and that should be out this year. I’m waiting on that. They have a song called “Destiny” which is more epic thanLord of the Rings: Return of the King specifically because it has more almost ending fade out moments as that movie has tiny hideous epilogues.

SATURDAY

HAPPY PASSOVER 2!!!!!!!

I watched the second half the movie The Killer Elite… Yep, but no.

I’m not referring to the Clive Owen + Jason Statham monstrosity. No, I’m referring to the 1975 original monstrosity of Robert Duvall and James Caan. How is the movie? Terrible. Does it make any sense? Not a lick. Does it show that even back in the 70’s great actors and great directors got together to make worse movies than the Fast and Furious franchise? You betcha. Robert Duvall, James Caan, Burt Young, Arthur Hill, Gig Young, and Sam Peckinpah… but it sucks.

The first half of the movie was sort of watchable. Sort of. It definitely wasn’t good watchable, but it was watchable. The second half of the movie goes off the rails. The first half is about Robert Duvall becoming the bad guy and James Caan working his way back to beating Duvall. Well, that kind of comes and goes and then there is still 30 some odd minutes left and the movie becomes about ninjas who have not been talked about or seen at any other point in the movie. The final showdown between one ninja and the other ninja is so anti-climatic and also so wildly unnecessary. It really seems like the movie is all improv as if they were given a bunch of sets and a bunch of random props and they were told to make a movie out of it and they did and it’s bad.

Anyway… don’t see it. I saw it for you and that’s enough.

But I did see a second movie that day that everyone and their mother and small children should definitely go see…

THE RAID: REDEMPTION!!!!!!!

I added the exclamation point marks.

Have you wanted to see an Indonesian film? Have you wanted to see a movie where everyone is killing each other with knees and elbows? Have you wanted to see a movie that has almost zero storyline, but is basically one long action scene from 15 minutes into the movie until an hour and a half in the movie? See The Raid. Oh it was entertaining as fuck. No way around that. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Also, the movie is out now, but Hollywood is already planning a US remake of the movie. I can only imagine it will be the worst remake ever as this movie is more or less a showcase of Silat which is the Indonesian style of martial arts. So, what’s Hollywood going to do with that? They’re going to get Michael Cera, Shia LaBeouf and Channing Tatum to learn Silat to remake this movie? Wouldn’t it make so much more sense to watch the Indonesians do their Indonesian things?

SUNDAY

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!

I hung out in Asbury drinking beers.

I did watch TV as well.

I can’t think of a TV show that does incest better than Game of Thrones. Can you? Is there another TV show that is working incest into every scene like GOT does? I would like to see them try… or not. I really wouldn’t. So creepy. Why is Theon’s sister such a fucking creep! She’s the creepiest. Sure, Theon is a perv and is just sticking his hand down chick’s shirts and pants, but he didn’t know it was his sister’s! She did! She knew and could have told him, but nope… she just let it happen as a goof, a prank. She Punk’d Theon good, letting him finger her in the horse saddle while they were riding to meet their father. CREEP SHOW!

Mad Men was decent. I’m not sure what any of this has to do with anything, but the show is fun to watch. They all look so well dressed, it’s all kind of subtle snarkiness, the chicks are smoking hot, and that’s really it.

Eastbound and Down was hilarious. Black biker week being the focus of an episode was amazing. And Will Ferrell at the end yelling “I’m old South!” as those black bikers beat up his racist ass was amazing.

Life’s Too Short was good as usual. I guess that was the season finale. Either way, my favorite episode was the Johnny Depp episode and the best scene of the show and possibly of TV history was Warwick climbing the bookshelf while his ex-wife and her lawyer/boyfriend watched him.

I think that’s it.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Calvin Harris, Robyn, Steve Aoki, Phantogram, and Volbeat – whatever that says about me.

I talked a ton of football this weekend. I’m getting too excited for something that isn’t for two entire weather seasons.

There are fights this weekend that I’m going to and watching on TV and fucking so excited for that.

And tonight, I’m going to see the Mets play the Nats. Why not? Baseball is still a thing.

What are you up to?

TELL ME!

I NEED TO KNOW!!!!!

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6 Responses to “Weekend Report starring Kay-Swidge-Izzle and the Fabulous Moolahs!”

  1. PWG said

    Thank you for explaining why I saw the phrase “horse fingering” more than once in my Twitter feed this weekend. I was afraid to Google it.

  2. PWG said

    We celebrated Easter with a family thing, even though my sister-in-law is the only person in our family to step foot in a church in 30 years, not counting weddings and funerals. It keeps the Honey-baked Ham people in business, and I like Easter egg hunts.

    Except my brother put a handful of $1 gold coins in the plastic eggs, which is like finding the fucking Ark of the Covenant for a six-year old. We had to make sure that the good loot was reasonably evenly distributed, with adult spotters and hints.

    Then my nephew hid his gold coins afterward and forgot about it, which led to this phone call when we got home: “Hi, just wanted to make sure the PWG-lets didn’t accidentally pick up two bags of eggs when they left, since our kid can only find a bag of empty eggs and is sobbing his little heart out.” In which conversation it’s delicately implied that of COURSE it would be an ACCIDENT, but can you turn your kids’ pockets inside out to make sure? So after I shook the PWG-lets upside down by the ankles and didn’t turn up any stray gold, my tearful nephew called back to say he found his Risen Christ booty under the couch, where he left it.

    Honestly, if a family holiday get-together doesn’t end in someone’s tears, it feels incomplete.

    • All of our drama happens before the holiday. Frantic, hysterical, tearful phone calls are made at least once a week for three to four weeks leading up to the holiday. I’m never the one making them, just the lucky one to receive them. Then, the holiday rolls around and the drama is forgotten/ignored on the day itself. And then it’s really just about stuffing ourselves and then my Uncle farting. Hooray, family!

  3. PWG said

    I think George R. R. Martin may have read Flowers in the Attic at an impressionable age.

  4. tiffanized said

    I broke up with someone for what should be the 23rd and final time. This time you know it’s for real because I changed his name to “Are You Crazy Bitch?” in my phone.

    Then I went to a stranger’s wedding and got wasted on Saturday, which was reasonable given the circumstances and open bar.

    Sunday I set out an Easter basket for my kid and woke up to a text letting me know that she and said Easter basket were on their way to dinner with her boyfriend’s parents. So I went to a bar and drank Fireball until my asshole hurt. Then I bought a whole fucking ham, but only ate like four slices because I’m a ham pussy.

    All in all not bad. I’m on vacay all week so you can look forward to comments from the penis gallery.

  5. cledbo said

    I’m in an unnamed very hot and sticky foreign country, allegedly working. Allegedly. Did get an Easter Egg on Sunday (yes, that was singular) and had to eat it quickly because it was melting so fast.
    The only thing bad in my life right now is this blocked ear which is preventing me from whipping out my nautical bikini and giving some of the fellas heart attacks. Work indeed!

    Also I’ve totally been reading, in between insane amounts of actual work I had to do to get over here in the first place. But now I’m here I have all the time in the world. Yay Army!

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