KSWI Theater Presents: If Kristen Stewart Was A LESBIAN

April 10, 2012

Happy Tuesday, y’all!

I’m not sure how that y’all snuck in there and it did and it’s Tuesday, so I’m still a little foggy eyed from the weekend and will let it remain. Anyway, it’s Tuesday as mentioned and on Tuesdays I post. I post on Wednesdays and Thursdays and most Mondays and basically every Friday. So, it’s Tuesday and I’m posting and what the fuck is there to post about? The Mets? Los Mets! They’ve won some of these baseball games that they’ve been playing which is a surprise to everyone involved including them. But that’s not much of a post. What about the fact there is a picture circulating around in even seedier corners of the internet than this one where I am with Mr. Met? Amazeballs, right? Just too much to be true. But it is! Anyway, Los Mets won, I met el hombre de los Mets, and here I am writing this post for you, but what is this post all about?

What if Kristen Stewart, who wants IT, was a lesbian?

Yes. What if, indeed.

I know all about the women who are lesbianese for Kristen Stewart, how could one not be with how much she wants IT. Just to be apart that shining gold of affection. Gold? Platinum or some other fine metal/shiny rock that has yet to be discovered like byzenthiest! Yes, that look of fire into your eyes about you while you’re naked and are staggering closer to her as she sits on a throne as high as the ceiling covered in tiger skin, faux tiger skin, and a dozen Japanese men only dressed in a traditional sumo wrestlers mawashi and not so traditional cowboy hats beat on ceremonial drums as you inch towards the Wantess of IT.

I’m just saying I get it.

But what if she was the lesbian and not just the fixation of your desires… you know?

Well, that’s what I’m here for… cue scene 472… Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron, and Matt Lauer from that early morning TV show that Lauer does that people care a lot about for some reason… and action!


As you can see… Kristen Stewart… she wants IT.

She did dress the part. You know lesbians and their love of black jeggings that at points look like leather. Also, lezzies hate socks. Did you know that? It’s a fact. It’s programmed into all of them. I think it has to do with a sock is like a condom for your foot and lesbians hate condoms… almost nowhere near how much guys who use condoms hate condoms. I’ll tell you something about condoms, we know for a fact that there is no way to make a condom that feels the way we want it to feel because if they could it would have happened already like 20 years ago. That’s technology people would have made in no time. Yeah, lesbians hate wearing socks and they love wearing button up shirts with collars and like a fake tie. That’s both lesbians and people who play in 80’s bands. Those two groups have a lot of cross over culturally as well as personnel wise. Anyway… Kristen Stewart is in the role and she’s a lesbian.

Total lesboner! Am I right? She couldn’t be anymore of a lesbian right now. It’s like she’s all lesbians at this moment.

Lesbians love light jackets. Don’t they! It’s such a cliche. Oh there’s another chick who goes down on chicks and she’s wearing a light jacket. I feel like I say that every other day. There’s another lesbian with a Lorenzo Lamas pony tail being pulled from every angle of their head in different directions, but it makes it back to that tail in the back. Such a lesbian. Pure lesbianonics happening right now.

I mean that’s enough. Right? Just the outfit alone is so super lesboleenese. It just screams “put your vaginas in my mouth”. It’s like chill back Kristen Stewart! And she’s like “where dem titties at? where dem titties at?” And it’s like whoa, I now how you feel because I’m a straight male, but you need to use some tact.


Yes, tact. If you are playing the role of the pursuer of sex then you have to woo your pursuee a little. You have to talk to them. You have to listen. You have to compliment. You have to feign interest. You have to act like you like things you really don’t like. You have to be right there with them. And at the very end, you want them to reach a conclusion that either they can stop talking to you or everything’s been so fun up until this point why don’t we get each others genitals wet for each other. It’s like Inception is happening at every bar, restaurant, or super market frozen food section every hour of every day. You need to implant an idea completely unnoticed in their brain by way of trickery, pretending, telling them you are a secret agent, tales of international travel and gun play, there’s always some ex-bitch who is ruining things, even an about face where you tell them you’re in on the whole thing, and then you talk to them about skiing or something and next thing you know they think it’s their idea to probe each others holes. It’s real romantic like.

Seriously, Kristen Stewart is a total lesbo at this point.

Charlize Theron (CT): And I said to him, “I don’t know Naomi Watts’ phone number off the top of my head, but could you help me get my horse back?”

Kristen Stewart (KS): Hahahahah, that’s so funny. Naomi Watts? That’s so funny. She’s so good in 21 Grams. You would could have played that roll. You’re so funny. You’re such a good storyteller. They say good storytellers have excellent audio and visual memories and have really powerful imaginations and language skills to be able to recreate that scenario that none of us were there for and make it feel that real to us. It says a lot about you.

CT: Oh, well thank you. It was pretty memorable. Also, I do know Naomi, we’re friends, and I did try out for 21 Grams, but she got the role. I thought she was excellent in it. But I wasn’t going to give the guy her phone number. Plus I didn’t have my phone with me and I never remember anyone’s phone numbers because they’re programmed into my phone. You know?

KS: I don’t remember phone numbers either. I’ve had a cell phone since I was born, but at my parents house we had an old rotary phone and we had to write down numbers for that. Did you have one of those phone books where you wrote down numbers in?

CT: I did! It was, well, the first one I had when I was kid was, this is so embarrassing…

KS: No, it’s not. Tell me.

CT: It was a little diary that I made into a phone book and it had He-Man on the cover.

KS: No way! That’s so funny. Why He-Man?

CT: I was a tom boy and my older brothers loved He-Man and I wanted to be like them and when my parents asked what I wanted I said I wanted He-Man. There he was with his sword and no shirt. It was so silly.

KS: That’s so cute. You’re cute. You’re so cute. You must’ve looked so cute running around as a tom boy. I mean they all must’ve known how beautiful you would become, but at that age you must’ve looked so cute trying to be one of them that they were just like you can play with us. People say kids can be mean, but they will surprise and show remarkable amounts of compassion. I love your stories. I love hearing you tell them.

Matt Lauer (ML): Ok… next question.

ML: Charlize, in this movie you play an iconic children’s story villain, but this movie is for a more adult audience. What was it like to merge those two worlds in your character?

CT: It was difficult. I remembered the Queen from when I was a kid. It’s a children’s story, but she’s every bit of a villain even in the original. I remember being scared of her. I mean Snow White seemed so helpless against how powerful the Queen was and the Queen was willing to stop at nothing. It was very scary when I was a kid.

KS: You were scared? Awwww… that’s so adorable. You’re so adorable today. Usually, you’re regal. You’re this tall spire of grace and gold hair, you’re movie star royalty. You’re how I picture movie star royalty when people go on and on about it. I just picture you, Charlize. I’m like yeah, I know what they’re talking about because there’s Charlize and she’s so strong willed and gorgeous. It’s intimidating in a good way. Like I want to aspire to be what you are and hope to have other women look at me like that.

CT: I don’t know what to say, that’s just, thank you. Yeah, it was… that’s really sweet of you to say all of that. I don’t know if I-

KS: And then today, you’re talking about being scared – it’s humanizing. It’s like I just want to hold and protect you now. You shouldn’t have to worry about being scared ever again. I know when I was scared I just wanted to go away somewhere and be held by someone for them to tell me it was safe. But now, I’m not frightened anymore and I want to be that person to assure them in my arms that it’s ok.

CT: I…


ML: Kristen, since you seem to be so interested in talking and sharing your feelings today, what was it like for you to play Snow White? This new Snow White who takes a sword and shield to battle the Queen head on, what was that like for you?

KS: I really enjoyed it. I really liked the idea that we were approaching this tale with new ideas. Having to psyche myself to fight an enemy was worrisome because I wanted to make sure we had a really great enemy for me to go against and Charlize was perfect. Just knowing she was there on set made me excited. Seeing her there and dressed as the Queen or just dressed in street clothes, I knew that I would charge into battle on horse with sword drawn for her to get her because I knew I could want her that badly. Even when we didn’t act across each other, it was easy to picture Charlize as the Queen in her bed chamber and rolling around on those gold silk sheets and how elegant her long naked body would look laid out on that bed and I’m trying everything I can to get to her. I want her. I want the Queen. I want Charlize. It was great acting motivation.

ML: OK. And Charlize, do you have any thoughts about Kristen?

CT: Right now, I’m feeling a lot of emotions. I’m not sure how much I want to express them on national television in the morning in front of millions, but I am hearing these words and I am feeling something. It’s a sensation that I’m sure I can accurately describe. It’s something that I do try to create when I’m acting, but I haven’t felt it out here in the world as myself in a long time. I’ve felt it when shooting magazine covers, and that one scene in Monster when Christina Ricci and I have sex, and that time when I straddled Matt Damon in that golf movie we made that Will Smith played a slave caddy who had super powers I think. But right now, I’m feeling that same feeling and it’s tingling all over my body and I’m not sure if I should keep talking.

KS: *whisper* You want IT.

ML: Excuse me? Kristen? Did you just whisper something?

KS: Stay out of this, Matthieu. Don’t you fucking ruin this for us.

ML: Well, I’m Matt Lauer for the Today show. This has been the weirdest interview for me with the stars of Snow White and the Huntsmen. A visibly changed Charlize Theron and sexual cheetah Kristen Stewart. Thank you and stay tuned after this commercial break.

KS: I have a hotel room.

CT: I know. You gave me the key card when we first got here.

KS: I want IT.

CT: I’m thinking about IT.

KS: Good. Very good.

– end scene –


4 Responses to “KSWI Theater Presents: If Kristen Stewart Was A LESBIAN”

  1. Kimberlesk said

    LOL — funny post! You left out all of KS’ stuttering and nervous ticks though. She would never give such lengthy answers. Most times she can’t even finish a sentence — must be from all that want ….

  2. PWG said

    I always read the posts with the understanding in the back of my mind that today could be the day that Kristen Stewart stumbles on this blog. If I were famous and screwing around on the internet one day and saw a blog called “PWG Wants IT” I would definitely click on it. What?! What do I want?!

    She would click the link apprehensively, assuming it was going to be a stalker site where her head is Photoshopped onto the bodies of porn stars or something. But as we know, 99 days out of 100 she’d be reading some shit (very funny and entertaining shit, don’t get me wrong) about an awards show she’s not even at, or MMA fighters, or the Jersey Shore cast, or Plato’s Cave or something. She would be very confused.

    If today is that day, she’ll read the first couple of paragraphs skeptically, nodding her head a little like you do when your worst fears are confirmed. “Yep, some dude is imagining me as a lesbian. Pervert.” If she keeps reading, though, she’s going to laugh her ass off like I did.

    I really think you should cover that contingency. A link at the top named, “If you’re Kristen and just seeing this for the first time.” What it’s going to point to, I don’t know.

  3. PWG said

    In the course of my job, I often need to share the screen of my laptop with my coworkers for training or whatnot. I just want you to know that I shared it today with 9 different people, and not one of them commented on the “If Kristen Stewart Was a LESBIAN” browser window I had up the whole time.

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