KSWI Special BOOK Report: Bitches Love To Read

Happy Wednesday!

I’m alive and you’re alive and amazingly enough we’re spending this time together. You’re where ever you are and I am just south of Asbury Park, New Jersey, but somehow you have allowed my hypnotic probing voice to come find you and penetrate your brain over and over and over again with absolutely no strings attached. We didn’t accidentally have a kid together and then we thought why not have the kid and raise it, but now you still have to hear me rant every so often about how people are idiots and just want to be scared and believe that someone is out to get them because no less than a year ago everyone was carrying Donald Trump on their shoulders saying he knew how to stop our country from being taken over by China meanwhile he’s a fucking idiot and was only snagging headlines to advertise the newest season of The Apprentice and trying to justify why it is better for him to hold onto his own money than give it to the government because our government of course then just turns around and gives it to China because yeah, sure, that’s what happens, and because of all that you resent your child’s existence and of course mine as well.

But it is intimate, right?

Day after day, I’m literally in your fucking head. I’m whispering away or yelling away or talking in an Irish brogue. But there I am. And it gets more invasive the more I talk about it. The more I know that I’m in there as this intangible force caressing every brain wrinkle you’ve thoughtfully earned and now it’s weird like someone sticking their finger in your belly button.

A wet finger.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! Now, I’m freaked out. GET THAT FINGER OUT OF THERE! Why do we even invent weird torture. There is plenty of just everyday stuff that would suck to have done. Like some wet willy-ing your belly button. UGH! What if it was wet because it was in grape jelly first?! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! GET THAT JELLY OUT OF MY BELLY BUTTON! I’LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW!!!! AHHHHH!!!

And this is what we spend our time together doing. Talking about things like this. I’m 100% mostly to blame.

Anyway…

BITCHES LOVE TO READ

You do. Stop denying it, bitches.

I was thinking about how much you, bitches, just absolutely enjoy curling up with a barely intelligible text and pouring over it for hours upon hours until Hollywood makes an even worse film adaptation for said novella. So, this got me to thinking about what are theBEST SELLING BOOKS out there. I could guess and I bet you could guess and I’ve looked at the first 10 and guess what? We’re fucking RIGHT! WOOOO!!! GO THE FUCK US! But, the interesting thing I think is that most of these books I’m venturing to guess are books geared toward the bitch in all of us who enjoys the written language more than the audio/visual one and I’m guessing that most of these books do have a movie attached to them in some way. Either one is coming out or one is coming in, it’s all a nonstop incestuous orgy of mediocre thought.

These are the 150 BEST SELLING BOOKS according to USA TODAY…

http://books.usatoday.com/list/index?r=1-10

If you’re like “150?!” – You’re right. I’ll do the first 30 and you can check out the next 120 on your own…

#1,2,3 – Hunger Games. The first three top sellers are the three Hunger Games in the order they are in the trilogy and sold separately. This absolutely not surprising in the least. Biggest movie in the country for the past 3 weeks. They’re talking about the sequel, supposedly Gary Ross, director, will not come back. Honestly, I don’t know if that is such a bad thing. I think he did a good job with the first movie, but there are plenty of better directors out there and if one of them takes the reins then people have to be happy with that. There are also plenty of worse directors than he and if one of the lesser thans is picked then that sucks. Anyway, we’re talking about the books. Although there is tremendous crossover appeal for these books, let’s be honest – bitches read these books. Thank you, bitches for both the books and the movies.

#4 – Fifty Shades of Grey – Ugh… bitches. I hope no one is going to try and argue with me on this one. Bitches are to blame. Both for the book(s) and the forthcoming movie. Didn’t a British chick right these books? I have done extensive research on this subject – British people are really into BDSM, humiliation kind of stuff. They’re a bunch of naughty children who grew up to be adults and now they want to be punished. That’s why they lost their empire. Seriously. They’ve all got that fucking rolling around in their heads and they all probably got off on America spanking them back across the Atlantic. Bunch of weirdos.

#5 – The Hunger Games Trilogy – So, yeah, some people bought them altogether.

#6 – Guilty Wives – Here we go! Everyone say it with me, “bitches”! Even James Patterson has now honed his horrible writing towards the fairer sex. He’s no dummy. He writes a damn 600 page novel every 2 weeks. Will there be a movie? Not directly I bet. But it already sounds like shit that Katherine Heigl, Katie Holmes, Kate Hudson or the rest of them that are completely replaceable with one another get into. Three wives on vacation without their husbands get arrested for a crime they didn’t commit. BITCHES!

#7 – The Lucky One – DOES ANYONE ELSE READ BOOKS?! The latest and lamest Nicholas Sparks book that is also coming out this month with Zac Efron as the lead. Shocking!

#8 – Lover Reborn – It’s a book about a vampire and his “struggles”. I’m guessing “struggles” means dating life. The front cover looks like the dude from Prison Break just staring off into a sunset that probably makes his vampire ass shimmer. This will not be a movie though… or at least I doubt it.

#9 – Fifty Shades Darker – The sequel to the other one. I wouldn’t be shocked in the least bit if I found out that England was rampant with underground clubs where dudes dressed up like they were babies in diapers and pretended to breast feed and all that. Cup of tea? Yeah, I really know what the fuck you’re up to! You’re peeping on your neighbors and hoping they spank you in front of your other neighbors. The whole lot of you. From Winston Churchill to Harry Potter.

#10 – Betrayal: A Novel – Thank God they told me it was a “novel”. I was worried it was… hmmm… well I guess I couldn’t have guessed it was anything. It’s a fucking book, Danielle Steel! You dummy. This will not be a movie. But it is certainly being read by chicks. I’d put my money on it that less 3 dudes have ever read a Danielle Steel book. In all of existence < 3.

#11 – Loving – Take a wild guess who this book is for. The front cover is basically a picture of Kate Middleton in her wedding dress. BITCHES! No movie.

#12 – Fifty Shades Freed – How many fucking books of this are there?! Fifty Shades, Fifty More Shades, Fifty and One Shades, Fifty Shades Eating Green Eggs And Ham, Fifty Shades & Hootch, Fifty Shades: A Novel… fuck you.

#13 – The Big Miss: My Years Coaching Tiger Woods – DUDES! DUDES!!!!! DUDES, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!!! Also, I’m not 100% sold on this even being read by that many dudes. I guess they are. A bunch of old dudes who find television today too loud and colorful and too full of energy. I love Tiger Woods, but I couldn’t care any less about this book.

#14 – Drift – Ok, this is interesting. It’s a book by Rachel Maddow about problems in the military or something. Ok. Ok. This could be for guys and gals. I probably would never read this, but whatever. I get it. Sure. No movie obviously, but ok.

#15 – The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest – And we’re back! I do know that a bunch of dudes did read these books. So, this is everyone’s fault in the end, but it started out with the ladies. And it does have a movie and potentially another American movie who knows. Are they making these into American movies still? I hope not. I liked the first, but I also liked the original movies.

#16 – I’ll Walk Alone – The main character is a lady who is an interior designer… CHICKS! What will you think of next? No movie I’m guessing. Although, like one of the earlier books mentioned – there are plenty of shitty movies similar to this that do come out.

#17 – The Affair – This is one of the Jack Reacher books which I’ve never read or even heard about until Tom Cruise was apparently miscast as Jack Reacher. It kind of sounds like an episode of Tom Selleck’s Blue Bloods or whatever. Didn’t Tom Selleck do a bunch of shitty made for TV movies that sound exactly like these Jack Reacher books? Either way, I guess we’re all to blame because it sounds like CBS programming.

#18 – Stay Close – Three people who are dissatisfied with their lives are haunted by their pasts… ugh. Who the fuck cares? Is one of them robbing a bank? No. Then fuck you and write a book about a bank robbery. I blame chicks. I’m blaming chicks who haven’t heard about Fifty Shades of Gray yet.

#19 – A Perfect Storm – Bitches. This is a book for bitches. Listen up, Lori Foster – you’re not fooling me. You wrote a book about a “Spencer Lark” and a “bounty hunter named Arizona Storm”. Seriously. That’s more gay porn than gay porn is gay porn. Secondly, the front cover is a picture of a ripped dude wearing a white t-shirt so small and tight that I can accurately see every detail of both of his nipples. Thirdly, A Perfect Storm would not be the name of a book dudes would read about two gay porn stars. It should be called Cocaine Killing Fields or Minotaur of Justice or something. Those are book titles that dudes would read. It doesn’t matter if they really relate to the book. A Perfect Storm is the name of that shitty Mark Wahlberg fishing movie. You know? Bitches.

#20 – The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – We got it. And a movie.

#21 – A Game of Thrones – What definitely started out as all dudes and still mostly is, it is definitely being infected by chicks. I see girls talking about how badly they want Jon Snow to BDSM them up good. Listen up, he would be the worst at BDSM. First off, he’s a virgin up until like the third book. Second, he’s got mother issues so he’s not going to get rough with you because he’s big ole’ puss sad sack. Third, just like everyone else in those books he takes fucking FOREVER to do ANYTHING so unless you want to plan out for him what you want him to do then you’re going to have to wait MONTHS to YEARS for him to figure out what he’s going to want to do to you when you’re all tied up and handcuffed to your DVD rack in the family room while your kid is at a sleepover.

#22 – The Girl Who Played With Fire – Honestly, thank God that guy died, am I right? Seriously, how many more of these books was he going to write?! The Girl Who Jumped the Biggest Puddle in the World! It’s like she’s an industrial metal version of Dora the Explorer – I get it.

#23 – A Turn in the Road – Unless the sub-heading is “… of DEATH!” then no dude in their right mind will read this. It’s basically a menopausal traveling girl pants movie but as a book. Fuck! What was that movie called? The magical traveling pants? I watched 10 minutes of that one day. What a fucking slap in the face that movie/book was to America Ferrara and/or girls who are not a size -1 like the chick from Gilmore Girls, Blake Lively – wasn’t she in that?, and that other chick… Amber Tamblyn. I mean what’s so magical about those pants… they somehow fit over America Ferrara’s big ass. That’s it! That’s the “magical” part about them. The rest of it is bullshit. Seriously? Do they all get laid? Is that it? Each one of those chicks are hot. Unless they’re too busy acting like creeps reading books about middle age women getting off to their husband beating them then they could easily go find a dude any where. Whatever. I kind of went off on a tangent. Bitches.

#24 – Heaven is for Real – GO FUCK YOURSELF!

#25 – Wanted: Undead or Alive – Are you happy? What once was a great genre… who the fuck am I kidding? Vampires are the worst. I love them, but they’re the worst. What’s the best book written about vampires? Let’s all say it together- Bram Stokers… oh who the fuck cares. That wasn’t even that good. And the movie adaptation is good for how bad it is. What’s the best vampire movie? Blade. Not even a second of hesitation. That’s the best vampire movie by fucking far. And it’s not even Wesley Snipes’ best movie. Apparently, if you’re going to write something about vampires it really doesn’t have to be that good because the bar is the craziest low. We don’t care what it is – if it is about vampires we’re interested. The rest? Paint-by-numbers. Oh yeah, this book is a shitty romance Twilight ripoff with a shirtless dude on the cover.

#26 – The Help – Yeah, we know. Did you ever see The Color Purple and think to yourself, “I wish there were more white people in this and it wasn’t as depressing.” BOOM! You got it.

#27 – Defending Jacob – Sounds like a Lifetime movie.

#28 – Lone Wolf – A brother and sister need to decide whether to terminate life support for their father. WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE WOLVES?! Damn you, Jodi whatever! I thought I was going to get a story about a native American shaman warrior who uncovers human remains being dumped in the woods by a serial killer that only he can find with his ancient tracking skills and ability to communicate with the animals of the forest who are the only ones alive who have seen the killer’s face. BOOM! Fucking write that bitch. And by “bitch” I mean any writer who is just writing for money and puts out a book every month. And I also wish I was one of those people. Are you telling me my idea that I just came up with as I was typing for Lone Wolf isn’t better than Jodi’s? BULLSHIT! NEXT!

#29 – The Vow – Kill yourself.

#30 – Barefoot Season – It’s about a female “army vet” who gets laid on the beach. No movie. Bitches. Ugh.

I hate books.

You’ve made me hate books.