KSWI Theater Presents: If Rob Pattinson Was A LESBIAN… errr GAY
April 12, 2012
Yes, you are reading the title of this post correctly. If you were around for Tuesday’s post, which should still be there if you want to reacquaint yourself with it or to even acquaint yourself with it for the first time, the post on this past Tuesday was about a fantastical world where our shining light of want Kristen Stewart was a lesbian. She-uh likey-uh the vagina, if you catch my drift. Specifically, Charlize Theron’s no doubt flawless vagina. I imagine Charlize Theron’s vagina to be every bit as chic and dignified as the woman herself. Sometimes you get a sixth sense, you’re like, “I bet that guy has the weirdest balls. Like Naked Lunch weird.” Other times, you can stare at a person for hours and just wonder to yourself, “I bet she has a tuft of fine black hair symmetrically shaved to look like a landing strip right to the top of her pussy. Hmmm… Oh I’m sorry, were you talking to me. I was completely caught in thought about Ms. Nickels the pre-school teacher. Was I talking out loud? Sometimes I do. I was? Oh, so you heard the bit about how I was imagining how she groomed her pubic hair right above her vagina? Well… do you agree? I mean, now that it is in the open, let’s just talk about it. I’m thinking she’s kind of a closet freak.” That’s just how we all think. Every single one of us. Just imagining what each others privates look like. Like does that guy have sloppy looking junk like he needs to design a work out to target the tightness of the skin around his junk or is it actually a diamond in the rough and is a well-crafted set of genitals that should be cast in plaster and used as the mold for anatomically correct dildos. We all do think that way, am I right?
What was I talking about?
Right, what if Rob Pattinson was a big homo who loved penis?
I thought it would only be sexist of me to imagine Kristen Stewart as a lesbian and not imagine Rob Pattinson as a male equivalent of a lesbian. Why isn’t there a male lesbian word? He’s gay. Well, she’s gay too. She’s also a lesbian. And he’s a … a gay again. That’s sexist! Dudes, should have a lesbo word. Anyway, I am a 21st century male who amazingly enough lives in the 21st century and I believe it is my duty to imagine Rob as a man, a man who enjoys other men inside him or him inside other men or at the same time they’re just 69ing or something and then another dude is filming it while wearing aHe-Man-like set of furry underwear. He-Man’s balls must’ve been the sweatiest! He’s wearing no clothes except for a fur Speedo. Doesn’t really make sense considering he is going into battle with aliens and such who wield laser weapons and swords – he might want more than the chinchilla banana hammock.
Without further ado, Rob Pattinson and Ann Curry in IF Rob Pattinson was gay…
Robert Pattinson (RP): And I told him, ‘what is good for the goose, is good for the gander’. And by that, I meant my butt.
Ann Curry (AC): What a wildly inappropriate story. Especially for network morning television. Why did you even tell me any of that? I believe I asked you, ‘how have you been?’
RP: Right. Well, that’s one of the things I’ve been up to – sex with men – and I’m feeling absolutely brilliant about it. I’ve decided to really embrace what it’s like to be an actor and with that I mean have sexual relations with other men when I’m not filming a scene or doing interviews. But every free moment I have it’s just dong city or rather dong country at this point.
AC: I’m not sure I’m following this line of candid talk, but how does having a sexual encounter-
RP: Dozens. Dozens of sexual encounters. I haven’t crossed into triple digits – yet. I’m only human afterall. I need to sleep, recharge the batteries, and such. I’ve also noticed I have a particular type of guy that I like to have sex with and he’s well-spoken, sort of dignified, kind of a stereotypical East coas-
AC: But how does this make you more of an actor?
RP: Oh, well, they’re all doing it. Almost every time the director yells cut it basically turns into a genitalia free-for-all. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve seen a boom mic operator pull out his own boom mic in anticipation for the in between take orgy too soon and ruin a great shot. Before, I was like, ‘oh, I’ll only have sex with the girls. Or I’ll only have sex with the guys that I trust.’ Now, I’m really just letting loose and making up for lost time. I’ve probably turned down having anal sex with a man almost 200 times since the first Twilight and it’s thoughts like that that keep me up at night.
AC: So, are you coming out of the closet and revealing to the world that you’re ‘a gay’?
RP: For now, yes. It’s like I’m going through a cock only cleanse. I’ve denied myself it for too long and now it’s all I’m going to take in… literally.
AC: You’re so naughty. I could just slap you. Do you like being slapped?
RP: I am British, we all like being slapped.
AC: If I just give you a little slap, just whack and not WHACK, would that get you excited?
RP: I’m already pretty excited. All this talk about me having intercourse with men is causing the boner factory to work overtime.
AC: To be honest, I’m getting pretty hot listening to you talk about it myself. I’m imagining everything you’re saying and it’s like the real life fan fiction that I read. Have you heard of ‘slash’?
RP: I have. I’m living it. It’s what the fans want and I live for the fans. So, I’m basically just in stop spanking and cock grabbing mode from the moment I wake-up to the moment I go to sleep. I do stop for tea. That’s the least I can do.
AC: Are you still attracted to women?
RP: They’re attractive, yes. But I’m not attracted to them necessarily with my rigid and possibly uncircumcised penis.
AC: Ok, well – hear me out for a moment…
AC: I’m quick. Bam! Did you see me pop up like that? I’m sleek and have fast movements. I’m like a well-manicured ocelot who is all wet from this talk of you grinding genitals with other men. I’m ready to attack you. Pounce.
RP: It is rather enticing, but I still like the dong.
AC: Are you sure? I can run a sub 7 minute mile.
RP: That’s impressive.
AC: I have stamina too. Also, I release a pheromone that’s scent is of vanilla. Vanilla with a caramel swirl.
RP: That does sound appetizing.
AC: And when I’m riding a man reverse cowgirl, I elicit-
RP: Ann, my dear sweet Ann, my stubbly beard is only here to tickle the inner thighs of hard working men who would like to relax in a hotel of my choosing and take a whiskey night cap prior to intense butt banging.
AC: You’re right. That was selfish of me.
AC: Let’s get back to the interview that has seemed to derail slightly with your graphic talk of man-on-man sex and me glibly throwing myself at you to use and abuse with your penis, and this will all most likely cost me my job, but while you’re here I have to be a professional and ask the questions my assistant wrote on these notecards.
AC: Robert, you have been linked to an actress, she plays the heroine of the Twilight movies, Kristen Stewart.
AC: There have been reports…
RP: I think I know what you’re going to ask.
AC: Reports that suggest Kristen Stewart wants IT.
RP: I knew it.
AC: Robbie, does she? Robbles, does Kristen Stewart want IT?
RP: … … … *deep breath* … … *watery eyes* … … … She does.
AC: YES! I KNEW IT!
RP: The reports are very true. Kristen Stewart does in-fact want IT and she wants IT all the time.
AC: It is so comforting to hear you confirm what we’ve all hoped to hear.
RP: It’s beautiful actually. It’s nice to get it off my chest as well. I feel a weight has been lifted. A burden undone. Kristen Stewart wants IT.
AC: The follow-up question, do you want IT?
RP: Does it look like I want IT?
AC: Right now, no. Can you want IT? Can you want IT like Kristen Stewart?
RP: Can you show me? Ms. feline temptress Ann Curry, can you show me the want and I will try to reciprocate? Show me your want!
RP: Oh my God, that is good. I feel like I need to shield my eyes with my hands because you’re wanting IT so much.
AC: I am secretly quite the Queen of Kink and it’s easy for me to want you right now with all your talk of being naughty with other boys. Feel my want, EDWARD! FEEL IT!
RP: I’m Rob, not Edward.
AC: Right, exactly. Now, you try.
RP: How’s that?
AC: You look constipated. Worried maybe. Worried about your constipation. That’s it. The last one.
RP: That’s not wanting IT? But I want to poop, right?
AC: It’s not the same. You don’t look like you want to poop, you look like you’re worried you may need to eat prunes because you can’t poop and then when you do poop it will be all runny.
AC: Try again.
AC: Afraid. A little excited. Like a rabbit. Or a Meer kat.
RP: I’m excited because I want IT? I’m a little afraid because that’s how bad I want IT?
AC: No. You look like a small snotty nosed child who has had his favorite toy taken from him by the town bully and you’re scared he is going to break it.
RP: Not wanting IT then.
AC: Try to imagine what you want and then want IT and project it onto me.
AC: Got it! You want IT!
RP: Yes! I’m doing IT. I want IT.
AC: I’m feeling a quiver in every area of my body that can quiver. It’s like I’m on a giant waterslide that is vibrating. Oh, I feel 20 years old all over again! I’m bursting with hormones like a school teacher who has sex with her high school students!
RP: I want IT.
AC: Rob? Robbie? Robert? You’ve kind of trailed off for a moment. I need your eyes back on me. What are you thinking about?
RP: Like a big one. Like one that is taller than me. We could go on a picnic together and feed me caramel apples.
AC: Rob, I do have one last favor to ask of you.
AC: This is for my Facebook. All those intern bitches will be jealous forever for this.
AC: Thank you, again, Robert. Is there anything else you would like to cover?
RP: Pfffttt Pffffttt this what it looks like. I cup the balls, stroke the shaft. It’s like when a person in a movie shoots a gun with a silencer on it. That’s what I picture in my head what it sounds like when it shoots out. Pfffttt! Pfffttt!
AC: Truly wonderful. Memorizing. Easily, the most memorable interview I’ve ever given.
– end scene –
That’s how we play – “craziest thing you will read all day!
I won’t be posting tomorrow, so please take this gloriousness with you through the weekend.
I hope you have a great Friday.
I hope you have a great weekend.
I hope to see you on Monday.