The Few, The Proud, The Hot Chicks Who Are Also Funny And Stuff

April 17, 2012

Happy Tuesday!

I believe today is “tax day” or what Ron Paul supporters call “the Tuesday they stop paying taxes because they follow an old out of touch crazy person and end up on a government watch list and then next year have their house seized by the bank” day.

I will begin today’s post by mentioning an item that I hope I do write about in the meat of the post: fetishes.

One problem I have, I go off on these tangents and many times never tackle the subjects that I want to talk about or at least make jokes about because I get stuck in my tangents. There’s a good possibility that will/would happen with this post as well if I don’t mention at the very top of it that at some point I want to talk about fetish sex later. I won’t lie, there’s a possibility that I will forget I wrote this at the top of the post and get to the bottom of the post and never mention fetishes and with that I say sorry. With that I also say, chastise me for this treason in the comment’s section and I’ll learn my lesson. And if that happens, just imagine you are a sexy school mistress of the night and I’m some naughty star quarterback who needs to be taught the hard way and you have to spank me into remembering my post subjects and that should be enough of a fetish talk to settle you for a day. Right? Alright!

GIRLS

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Yesterday, amongst my steady recovery from not sleeping at all Saturday night, but nearly drowning myself in whiskey and beer, I watched the new HBO show Girls. First and foremost, I liked it. I’m going to be saying things later that may make one think that I didn’t like it or that I’m on the fence about it or any of that, so to get that out of the way – I liked it. I did all the things I was supposed to do while watching the show: I laughed, I smiled, I sympathized, I shook my head, and at the end of the episode I wanted to watch more. Oh right, I also wanted to sex each girl on the show. Like a hundred times. But I wouldn’t be a moronic asshole like that one guy about it nor would I be a creepy cousin kisser like the other guy about it. Just some – take you out to dinner, maybe a movie depending on how much time we spend chatting and drinking at dinner, and then foreplay and then vaginal intercourse with her on top. Which is what I think Lena Dunham wanted all of our reactions to be or at least the ones of us specifically watching with the penises. Yous with the vaginas, well, I won’t lie – I have no idea when or if like scissoring is a normal thing. I feel like lesbian porn isn’t a good barometer of what you all do in the bedroom on the reg, but let’s just at the very least the dinner, drinks, maybe a movie given the time, and then braiding each others’ hair turns into the sex scene from Ghost.

I liked the show.

People are talking way too much about this show already. They’ve begun over-analyzing this show, this 30 minutes of television including origin story, in the same way they did last year with Bridesmaids. That movie was a good movie, but it also wasn’t the defining two hours of art of a gender. It was a comedy and not Kristen Wiig’s memoirs of a female nation and how we should know thee. People got pretty crazy about that movie and not in a good way. The way people talked about that movie was literally as if they had never laughed for the right reasons from a woman. Ever. No female comedian was ever funny to them, no actress ever did anything funny to them, and so on. I liked Bridesmaids a lot, but it wasn’t this ground breaking moment in my life because I know there are funny chicks out there and they can be crude and blah blah blah. The first hour of Bridesmaids was a lot like the first hour of Hangover and the second hour was like the second hour of 40 Year Old Virgin – that’s good, but none of those movies are psychological profiles of their gender nor were they supposed to be.

Similar stuff is happening to Girls. People can’t simply enjoy it. Oh no, this show is a look behind the big bright eyes of the boobed 20 somethings of this and that… nope… it’s a show that the girl in the poster who is trying her best to look frumpy and not adorable came up with and it’s supposed to be funny, but slightly relate-able. In that, she succeeded.

What’s the show about?

Hannah (played by Lena) is a smart, young, go-getter in the big city who is now going to deal with being in the city without the financial support of her parents for the first time. She’s also crazy naive and makes those smh-ing (shaking my head) mistakes that makes you want to hold her and say “you can do better than this” and makes you root for her the next time. Hannah lives with her best friend Marnie who is the gorgeous chick biting her lip. Marnie is played by Allison Williams who is Brian Williams’ daughter, which shouldn’t be a “surprise” because he’s a good looking man from New Jersey and half helped produced this model looking daughter – well done, sir. Marnie is the control who seems to have everything figured out on the surface, but in actuality has nothing figured out. The girl next to Marnie who apparently is posing for a photographer off screen and to the left is actually really hot even though it’s not too easy to see that from this picture and she’s also British which is also not easy to see from this picture and her character’s name is Jessa.

Jessa is the chaos, the free spirit who is independent who needs no ones help, but it actually turns out she wants structure, help, and someone to give a million butterfly kisses on her neck and shoulders. Lastly, all the way to the right on both posters, the lesbian from Mad Men who you were rooting for so hard to do Elisabeth Moss so hard – am I right? She plays a very ditsy and idiotic character who rooms with Jessa and is her cousin. Anyway, that’s the overview.

The underview is that Hannah has sex with some dude who looked like a steroided nerd who walked around his apartment with no shirt, jeans and no belt and treated Hannah like shit, but she had doggystyle sex with him. And Marnie’s boyfriend is an enormous pussy who she has lost her sexual attraction towards and now is completely creeped out by his touch, but she won’t tell him or break-up with him, and he titters around the whole episode like a foreign exchange student going through puberty. What does this mean? Well, chicks can write men characters just as poorly as men can write chicks characters.

What does all of this mean?!

Girls will be about awkward sex. THANK GOD! Am I right? Hot girls having awkward sex.

FETISHES!

AHHHHHHHH!!!!

Isn’t that what you always wanted too? A show about attractive girls in their 20’s talking about all the awkward sex they’re having? Well, kind of.

I started thinking about this after watching my dose of HBO – Game of Thrones, Eastbound & Down, and Girls – and Mad Men. Each show has its own brand of sex and isn’t that what fetishism is all about – a specific version of sex that is titillating in its own way?

For Girls, it is supposed to be about “reality”. These are real sex moments with all their faults and unromantic moments.

Mad Men is us having sex the way our parents or grand parents did. Think about that! It’s time travel and cigarettes and worse social consciousness.

For Eastbound & Down, it’s really just the most perverted and utterly unsexy sex you’ll ever see. Each character is a complete social deviant who is also hornier than your average high schooler. The sex scenes are graphic in that they are not sugar coated and are trying their best to make them seem as demeaning to both parties involved. They’re all so helpless and in need of getting off that they’ll do whatever and where ever to achieve it.

For Game of Thrones, it’s a lot of incest. GOOD LORD! If there is one thing that is plaguing George R.R. Martin’s brain more than the term “boiled leather” or “rasher of bacon” it is two people related by blood fucking each others’ holes. That’s what that man from Bayonne, New Jersey thinks about each and every day. INCEST! I was thinking about how everyone is dogging Fifty Shade of Gray for either accurately or inaccurately portraying BDSM. Whether or not it is doing a good job with BDSM, it’s supposedly uncovering this line of thinking that women have that they want to be tied up and blah blah blah. If that book is trash (and it is, but wait for it…) then what the hell does Game of Thrones say about the rest of us who are supposedly reading this great epic tale which is more or less punctuated by INCEST(!!!!).

I’m the last person to defend Game of Thrones and I’m the last person who will recommend reading the books. I like them for what they are in a sense and I’m also reading them because I’m never EVER going to read another fantasy book series like it again. Up until this point, I had read the Lord of the Rings trilogy and The Hobbit. I felt like with my nerdy nerdy nerdy love for dragons and shit that I should read one of the book series that are more modern and famed for it and with HBO actually making A Song of Ice and Fire into a TV series it settled my debate – I’ll read those books. But outside of that, I wouldn’t recommend these books. They’re fun in the sense that every 200 pages something fun might happen and they’re compelling enough, but if I made a list of the best books I’ve ever read – they would never be there. Nor should, any of the paranormal teen romance or whatever for all of you either because there are good books out there – I swear to you there are!

This scene ^^^ from episode 2, that’s Theon and that’s his sister Yara and yes he is fingering her as they ride on a horse. STOP DOING THAT! Anyway, with all the scenes that happen in Game of Thrones’ millions of pages – the few that HBO gets 100% right are usually the incest ones. Why? Because that’s what we’re all tuning in for for some fucking reason. They do try to explain the incest, which is always purely unexplainable. Like in this scene, Yara knows who Theon is and he doesn’t know who Yara is because they haven’t seen each other in 9 years or some such. Theon is a horndog who bangs almost every girl who he comes in contact with (that’s what she said?) and he tries to bang Yara. Now, Yara knows it’s her older brother and says that she wanted to see what type of man he is, so she let him get all date rapey with her on the horse. Yeah? Really? You couldn’t have played 20 questions with him?! I’m not going to lie, but seeing if a guy will finger fuck you is not the best way to gauge what type of man he is… that may only gauge that he is indeed a man. We all have 24 hours in the day to kill and finger blasting a good looking chick is far from the worst way to spend those hours. Lastly, no matter the reason Yara has for willingly committing incest with her brother… she’s incesting with her brother! Her only brother! She’s only got one brother and what does she do with him? INCEST!

I would never go to a family gathering of George R.R. Martin’s. Ever. Never ever.

Anyway, Game of Thronesloves talking about brothers and sisters just dildoing each other with each others penises and so forth. The overarching story of Game of Thrones is kind of completely about incest. Almost everything that happened in season 1 was because a brother and sister just loved fucking each other so much that they actually had three children to prove it. In the second season, that’s still a big issue and there are even more sisters and brothers touching each other where it is illegal for them to touch each other… or is at least frowned upon or whatever. But here we are, watching it, celebrating a third season renewal for it, eagerly waiting for a sixth gargantuan book of it, and looking our noses down on some British chick who wants to be spanked by Rob Pattinson with fake vampire teeth.

I’m just saying – I get it.

4 Responses to “The Few, The Proud, The Hot Chicks Who Are Also Funny And Stuff”

  1. mattgerber said

    I guess the show Girls is just famous people’s daughters. The chick from Mad Men is David Mamets daughter

  2. PWG said

    I didn’t see Girls, and I don’t remember THAT much incest in the Game of Thrones books. Either they’re adding more incest to the cable version, or I’ve blocked it out.

    I got patted down twice by TSA agents last weekend, and it looked something like Theon and his sister up there. Minus a horse.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      It’s not the amount (there is quite a bit though like a lot more than a book supposedly about dragons would normally have), but really how much of a roll it has to play. Pretty much everything that happens in the first book (which continues into all the other books) is because Cersei and Jaime are siblings and sexing and produced three children and they can’t imagine not sexing each other and are willing to kill everyone because of it.

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