Science Fiction Weapons Made Real Are Better For Child Rearing Than War

April 19, 2012

Happy Thursday!

I hope you all humped yesterday. Something and, in most cases, anything. Nothing illegal, hopefully. Fingers crossed you humped a pair of crossed fingers from your lover or their penis or something. But if you humped a vibrator or a pillow or just rubbed yourself up and down on the corner of a sofa – I mean that’s between you and the couch and whatever domestic pet watched and that’s ok with me. As long as you got off, preferably thinking of me, and you’re not too ashamed about it – unless that’s what you’re into.

Speaking of pets and me, I realized I take better care of my dogs than myself. I make sure they get all their medicine at the right times, they eat on a standard schedule, they go out every couple hours, they get enough sleep, and they have plenty of toys to play with as well as a few rough housing periods with me each day. As for myself, I eat sporadically, I don’t sleep on a normal cycle at all – like my pets weren’t up to 2am watching Total Recall – and my toys/play are limited to me typing into this damn laptop all day every day. Also, I pick up their poop. That’s kind of messed up. What do I get in return? I’m not neutered and I can go get fast food or eat dessert or something whenever I want. Anyway…

Today’s post, much like yesterday’s, is from my bookmarked list of random ass articles that sometimes I get to and sometimes I don’t get to. Nothing in the news has truly caught my eye that I felt like writing about. Dick Clark died. There’s that. Other things are happening too I suppose. Carey Mulligan marrying one of the guys from Mumford & Sons. That bitch! Or not a bitch. Alicia Silverstone was on Suburgatory last night reuniting her with Jeremy Sisto who tried to date rape her in the movie, which was right before a guy pulled a gun on her and stole her purse, well before she tried to have sex with a gay guy, and ultimately slept with her step-brother(?). That was an odd movie.

So… we’re going to talk about science fiction weapons that are actually in development to be used in war, BUT I think they’re better suited in the process of raising your children and/or just home disputes. Yep.

The original article is here –

1. Speech Suppressing Gun

Ahhhh… Kristen Stewart. She wants IT. She will also be demonstrating the effects of these devious devices. As you can clearly see here, Kristen Stewart indeed wants IT and is trying to speak, but no sounds are coming out. The gun works by playing back what you’re saying with a .02 second delay causing your brain to get flustered by the echo of your own voice and renders you speechless. First off, I would like to see this shit in action on me. I’ve had plenty of shitty cell phone calls where I can here my echo the entire time and I don’t get flustered. Secondly, I don’t think most people are really thinking when they talk. Do you listen to people and what they have to say? They can’t be thinking when they let those words out of their head. Most people are crazy and what they have to say is crazier.

Nevertheless, I don’t think this is a particularly good “weapon” for crowd control or silencing critics or any of that. Why? Because if you used a speech suppressing gun on someone, people would wait to figure out what it is and then destroy it and then the person would get back to what they wanted to say. It’s not like if you show up for a political rally and a guy goes to speak and then something prevents him from talking for half a second you’re going to turn around and go home. They’ll fix the problem and you’ll wait to hear whatever shit someone is going to say. As far as crowd control, crowds can just destroy shit. The last problem you have is what they say, the first problem you have is that an enormous mob can do basically anything it wants.

But… for your children, it would be perfect! If your kid won’t shut up, blast them with the gun. It should work really well on them because kids are stupid and the younger they are the stupider they are and the quicker they get frustrated and give up. In a one on one situation, this gun would be very effective. You could use it on your kids, teenagers, and even adults like your spouse. They’re getting all yappy at the dinner table and BLAM a quiet dinner.

2. Vomit Ray

Again, I’m not sure this is the best option for crowd control. Having an entire mob of people vomitting would not be the best and maybe the worst idea. This ray is a series of radio waves that screw with your equilibrium and can cause you to be nauseous and possibly throw up. Probably the best thing about this weapon is that it can be shot through walls because they are radio waves after all. I could see this being used, but it would really need to be for a specific purpose. Probably the best thing I think it could be used for is to get someone out of a room and into the bathroom and then to possibly kill or kidnap them in the bathroom, but couldn’t you possible do that more effectively with laxatives? But I get that maybe you don’t have access to their food… blah blah blah. Either way, I’m sure this has some uses.

At home, the best use would be that your kids are idiots and they eat things they’re not supposed to and you can just zap them with the ray instead of shoving your fist and then forearm down their throat to get them to vomit. I guess the same can be said for your pets. Or you could use it on yourself to get out of work if you don’t want to force yourself to vomit by probing your own throat or smelling old mayonnaise.

3. Pain Ray

Here Kristen is in excruciating pain as demonstrated by all the colorful action lines. I chose Christmas colors because the holidays are the most painful days of the year. So, this ray is more or less shooting microwaves at a person and making them feel like they’re on fire. Although, this device is not designed to literally burn something – a small amount of test results did get blisters from it. So it is burning you, slightly. Apparently, this hasn’t seen any action yet (I don’t believe that for a second) but there were 10,000 trial exposures with real people. Amazing. Can you believe people signed up to get shot with a “pain ray”? I wonder if they just signed up for an experiment and they were the unlucky fucks to get “pain ray” instead of “maybe your dick gets bigger pills”.

I guess this would work well in war. It sounds like it would work even better in torture scenarios. But I could see how thinking your skin is on fire would deter you from doing whatever it is that you’re doing.

At home, seriously, this would work amazingly. It would definitely settle the debate about spanking because you don’t need to spank your kid or even touch them if you can simply hit them with a dose of the pain ray for a zap or two. Also, I imagine most kids would beg to be hit after they’ve felt the sensation of their skin being on FIRE. Even better, are you having trouble waking your kids up for school or waking up yourself to go to work? I’m sure a pain ray works a lot better than a cell phone alarm or a cup of coffee.

4. Mind-Control Gun

As we can clearly tell here, Kristen Stewart wants IT and is under mind control because she is drooling. That’s what happens when someone is controlling your mind is they always forget to stop you from drooling.

Either way, this gun is more fictional than the others and really doesn’t “control” your mind. Supposedly, the only real active working guns of these are in Russia, which is really a ton better than some of the other stuff they’ve done to people like detonate a tiny bomb inside a person. So, the gun shoots electromagnetic pulses that screw with your brain and then there’s this other thing that maybe it somehow can be used to implant suggestions. I’m not sure how any of that works or whatever, but the other thing mentioned is that American scientists said that this would only be effective if you really amped up the dosage with microwaves, but that would result in frying the person’s brain.

Sometimes you probably want to fry your kid’s brain or at least attempt to suggest to them with an electromagnetic pulse for them to go to fucking bed and if it results in a little brain frying then so be it. Cost of doing business.

5. Self-Guided Bullet

You shine a laser beam on something and the bullet will come and find it – basically.

I think the usage of this in military situations are pretty obvious as well as law enforcement and so forth. Let’s just kill THAT guy. So, that’s pretty obvious.

But, there are definitely uses at home. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a bullet. I imagine we can rig this up to just about any projectile and with that that can be useful at home. One thing that comes in handy when you’ve got kids or animals or whatever is being able to throw well. Sometimes you’re throwing to said child or animal or both and sometimes you’re throwing at them. Like, you’re kid wants to play catch, but you suck at throwing then this would come in handy. Or if you’re kid is screwing around and you want to peg them with a tennis ball to get them to stop then this would come in handy. Same thing can be said for your wild animal that you have absolutely no control over and you make that psssstt noise that you heard Cesar Milan make at them and it never does anything. Sometimes you want to throw the ball to or for the dog and sometimes you kind of just want to hit them right in the butt when they’re digging a hole they shouldn’t be digging.

Also, if you want to impress your kid that you’re physically more talented than they could believe then you could use this. Just amazing accuracy and distance and all that and they won’t know the difference because kids are idiots. They say the darnedest things because they’re plain stupid and they’ve had zero education or life lessons.

In the end, raising children is a lot like war. No matter how prepared you are for it, it’s more difficult than you think, and if you survive it you’ll be nearly handicapped with PTSD.

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