BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!! – Kristen Stewart is a LIAR!!!!!!!!

April 23, 2012

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, I’m sorry.

Happy Monday!

I hope you had a great weekend filled with wonderful things like fine wine, scrumptious food, uproarious laughter, and, maybe, you had the pleasure of either probing someone’s holes with your sex organ and/or had your holes probed by someone’s sex organ. Just saying, that would be cool too.

But back to the story at hand…

KRISTEN STEWART LIED TO US ALL!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY LORD?! I MEAN LORDESS! WHY DO YOU LIE TO US SO? WHY HAS THY LORDESS OF WANT DECEIVED US?! WHAT CAN WE DO TO CHANGE SUCH DECEPTION?! WHAT CAN WE DO TO BE LOVED BY YOUR SINCERITY ONCE AGAIN?!

I am, of course, referring to this…

THIS!

No, wantess. No!

Of course, the backstory on this picture is Kristen Stewart – the chosen child of the want-ocalypse – attended the Coachella music festival.

If you are unaware of what the Coachella music festival is, let me explain:

At one time, it was held for people who wanted to listen to music. In recent years, it has transformed into being a landscape for 1. young celebrities looking unwashed and dressed dramatically poorly, so they can be photographed as such to show they are real people too; 2. non-celebrities looking unwashed and dressed dramatically poorly, so they can act a fool in public and then be cellphone pictured or videoed and turned into a viral star on youtube or websites like The Chive.

Here Kristen Stewart has fallen suit and is also unwashed, and dressed pretty terribly, but that is all find and good as mentioned that is what apparently NEEDS to happen at Coachella. No one must look clean at Coachella.

But the LIE, the DECEPTION, the AFFRONT TO ALL OF US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!……………..

I’m sure you can see it already. ALREADY!!!!!

But for those few, those very very few, who have not figured out our Princess and Queen of Unending Want’s lie, I will help thee…

I’m just tinkering with highly calibrated computer to be able to create this masterful work… and… enhance!

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

FOR SHAME!!!! FOR!!!! SHAME!!!!

I’m talking about the Baltimore Orioles baseball cap.

Don’t you see it?

You don’t seem to be freaking out about this as much as you should.

I’m not alone here, am I?

Am I the only one here who remembers what Kristen Stewart was wearing two years ago at the same festival of Coachella?

It was something that went against all that is holy in this picture.

Seriously?! What the fuck, people?

Fine.

Fine, I’ll help you out. I won’t forget that you have forgotten.

Here is Kristen Stewart at Coachella in 2010. I’m sure there is a good explanation as to why Kristen Stewart is dressed like a member of Good Charlotte, but we’ll not focus on the b-boy style of the picture on the left as much as the hat in both pictures.

Do you finally see it?!

That is a Los Angeles Dodgers baseball hat.

Doesn’t look at all like a Baltimore Orioles hat does it?

DOES IT?!

Look, I’m ok with the fact that Kristen Stewart tried to pass herself off as a transgender at the 2010 Coachella festival. 2010 was a strange time for all of us. We were electing tea baggers into prominent political positions, Lady Gaga’s opinion held a lot of sway, and none of us knew that “games” could “hunger” or at least hunger as much as they do now. So, that’s fine. But! But Kristen Stewart offered us a view into her soul, besides all the eternal want and such, and in that soul was the fandom for a particular professional baseball team based in the city of angels in California.

It was something we knew about her.

It was something that connected us to Kristen Stewart.

What’s Kristen Stewart’s favorite baseball team? The Los Angeles Dodgers. It was simple, it was easy, and it was the answer I knew for the question I was asked at least 10 times a day. Kristen’s favorite baseball team? Dodgers. She’s a Dodgers’ girl. You knew it, I knew it, and with that we felt a little close to the enchantress of wanting.

But… we were living in a fucking dream world apparently. A fucking dream world!

Two year later, there she is. There she is flaunting a fucking Orioles cap right in our face. The fucking Orioles!

First off, the Orioles are an American league team. Did you just sides too? You were a National league fan two years ago and now you’re on the American side? I don’t buy it. I don’t buy it all.

I have read statistical research from top universities that there has never been a Los Angeles Dodgers fan to ever convert to be a Baltimore Orioles fan and it is impossible to do so. It is impossible!

I’m even wondering if Kristen Stewart likes baseball at all. … hmmm… well, that’s silly. Of course, she likes baseball. I mean she’s American after all. And why would she even wear the hats with the teams on it if she didn’t have a fondness of the sport. That would just be too fucking stupid. I’m sorry. I got a little nuts there. My cynicism got the best of me. Of course, Kristen Stewart likes baseball.

Now the question is, can Kristen Stewart read?

Is that the problem? I mean if Kristen Stewart can’t read them maybe she picked the Baltimore Orioles hat up thinking it could be a Los Angeles Dodgers hat, but she can’t read and wouldn’t know that it said Orioles and not Dodgers. Be honest with me for a moment, have you ever seen Kristen Stewart read? Literally, read? Then how can we ever know for sure she can. This a complete possibility. Kristen was home schooled by a pack of dingos and tigers and wolf hybrids as far as I know and it wasn’t that they were illiterate it was that they allowed Kristen to act at such an early age that she never had the time to learn to read. You don’t have to know how to read to be an actor. Just memorize the lines and recite. Parrots can memorize words and say them, but they can’t read or at least all of them can’t read like the majority of them. Sure some parrots do pick up a general understanding of the written language because of the newspaper that is lining the bottom of the cage, but they hardly read to pick up a Jonathan Franzen novel and embracing the complexities. So, Kristen Stewart can’t read. That is a possible reality we are facing.

Either way, she’s been lying to us.

Kristen Stewart has either been lying for the past two years that she is a Los Angeles Dodgers fan, she is current lying to us that she is a Baltimore Orioles fan, she is lying to us that she can read, or the slimmest of possibilities Kristen Stewart has no nerve endings at the top of her head and cannot feel that there is a baseball hat on her head and someone is placing the baseball cap up there ever so gently not to stir her and then she walks around so gracefully, just wanting everything, and is never made aware of the treason that is taking place just above her eye brows. In that case, Kristen Stewart is lying to us that she has proper working nerve endings on the top of her head.

I don’t know what to believe anymore.

I saw The Cabin in the Woods. It was good. It was 80% comedy and 20% horror. I was thoroughly surprised about how much of a comedy it was. It was good and definitely an interesting idea. It was more a commentary on the ridiculousness and formulaic mess that is the horror movie industry. What does it say about us the viewer? What does it say about the creators? And, in the end, it’s just a joke. I do not like horror movies, so I can walk away from the movie saying “Yep, they nailed it. This is why I don’t watch horror movies.” But horror movie fans are walking away from it agreeing, but believing that this movie should force horror movie directors to get more creative. But I don’t think it’s a lack of creativity in most regards as much as it is the limits of the genre. Horror is there for those cheap thrills. They’re a roller coaster ride. People want that fear, that rush, and so forth, but it to not be real. Horror movies are just that. Or should be.

Either way, The Cabin in the Woods is a comedy making fun of horror movies, so if you’re worried about being scared – don’t be. I’m the first to admit, I’m a big pussy when it comes to horror movies. I get scared by them. I have an overactive imagination and I will freak myself the fuck out. But Cabin isn’t that.

Game of Thrones was good. I was hoping this week’s episode would have the shadow assassin baby birth and it did. HBO nailed that scene. I was very curious how that would look and it looked really good. We’ll see how the second half of that season looks next week I suppose. The stuff with Arya was also well done. Besides incest, there is an obscene amount of torture in these books. If you’re weren’t busy fucking your flesh and blood then you were partaking in torture. Surprisingly, for a book about dragons and winter zombies, there are little of either and much more torture and incest. There’s also a lot of talk about food preparation.

Veep was ok. It had a few funny parts, but the overall tone was odd. I’ll keep watching, but I’m not in love with it.

Girls was good again. Men get a real bad rap in this show so far. I’m being totally honest with you here, I have never had sex with a girl and told her out loud that I’m imagining her as a little schoolgirl that I picked up on a street corner who wanted drugs and now I’m fucking her and I’m going to send her back home covered in my semen. I’ve never ever ever said that to a girl while I was having sex with her. I mean I thought it, but I’ve never said it. … I’m kidding. Eh, what do I care. You can’t judge me. You’re on the flip side imagining you’re Jackson Rathbone getting buttsexed by Edward Cullen, so you have solid ground to stand on.

Mad Men was good. Typical Mad Men, not much happens in the grand scheme of things, but the little they do is always wild and interesting. Who doesn’t flip out on a client at work, almost get fired, drink Canadian whiskey, go to a movie at lunch, get high off a stranger’s joint, give a handy to that stranger’s joint, go back to work and pass out and have a conversation with a co-worker while you’re drunk about them being a baby from a concentration camp? That’s what I like to call Tuesday. You know what I’m saying? Or there was Roger taking LSD, which was also very funny and made me feel like a bad host because I had friends over on Saturday and I didn’t offer them any hallucinogenic drugs.

How was your weekend?

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3 Responses to “BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!! – Kristen Stewart is a LIAR!!!!!!!!”

  1. Jen said

    The cap is actually Rob’s. He’s been seen in it in many a pap pic.

  2. PWG said

    I had a fine old time this weekend, went to the mountains. As a reminder, not all, nor even most, of Colorado looks like this ^^^^. Lots of it looks like this ______. I went to the ^^^^.

    And I saw two live wild bears. A full 90% of the dozen people who saw the bears gave “meh” shrugs, turned their backs to them and kept on talking. These people were possibly 150 unfenced yards away from the largest mammal in Colorado that will EAT you if provoked, or, say, coming out of hibernation, and they couldn’t be bothered to actually keep an eyeball or two on it. While they were waving around deliciously scented s’mores sticks. It was one mama bear with a baby that was NOT fucking listening to her, and as we all know that’s the crabbiest thing on the planet.

    Either the people who live here are more blase than I’ve been giving them credit for, or they’re soulless husks destined to be killed by Mother Nature because they think everything around them is a special effect.

    Speaking of which, I saw Cabin in the Woods, too. It was pretty funny. “And so the spirit of Kiko went back into the Happy Frog, yaaaaaay!” “Oh my God, how hard is it to kill a fucking 9-year old?!!!”

  3. Fork Head said

    OMG that was fucking hilarious! In my head you are Nevel from iCarly now! LOL

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