KSWI ASKS, Where is Eric Roberts when you need him?

April 24, 2012

Happy Tuesday!

Yes, I am bleary eyed as bleary eyed can possibly be. It took me forever to fall asleep last night. In part due to my quest for something entertaining. I watched Conan the television show on TBS, but besides the red rooster of late night comedy, there is not one show that I watch on Monday or Tuesday. I really was hurting for something good. I ended up watching the second half of a documentary on UFC middleweight champion Anderson Silva called Like Water which is dreadfully boring for the most part. I watched the first half a month ago and forgot about it. I love Anderson, but this documentary’s point could have been made in 20 minutes let alone 90. After that, it was midnight, but I’m still rearing to go. I felt unsatisfied. I wanted at least a good half hour of entertainment, of mental pleasure before I could sleep the maddeningly odd dreams that I do dream (Nick Offerman with a cake serving knife trying to stab my friend as he fought back with the bottom of a bar stool, and a pair of athletic tape cutting scissors).

First, I went through all 50 movie channels. Nothing. Nothing even remotely interesting. The “best” option seemed to be Colombiana because I haven’t seen it and it was about to start and how bad could a movie be about Zoe Saldana as an expert assassin.

Second, I went through some of the OnDemand. I noticed a couple movies that I could possibly watch for 20 minutes, be happy, and then fall asleep. I saw Midnight Run with Robert DeNiro and Charles Grodin. I try to play it and it says there is a glitch in the Matrix and my OnDemand can’t play that movie. At this point, I’ve wasted a good 10 minutes, so I might as well just watch Colombiana.

Third, I start watching Colombiana and in a word it’s HORRIBLE. Every second of film made me more and more depressed that I had watched the second previous. How difficult is it to make a movie with sexy ass Zoe Saldana playing a master assassin? Pretty difficult apparently because this movie was BORING, SLOW, and … stupid seems mean, but c’mon – it was stupid.

Fourth, I’m back to the OnDemand screen. I look for more movies. I spend a solid 10 – 20 minutes going through all the categories. Nothing is really piquing my interest. I go onto Netflix and look at my instant queue and debate watching something on my computer. I go back to OnDemand, I go back to the digital cable guide, I go back to the computer… Next thing I know it’s 2:30 am and I haven’t watched anything I have liked and need to go to sleep.

The two cups of coffee I just chugged are helping…

Now, onto the post part of the post.

Yesterday, I showed pictures of Kristen Stewart from Coachella. While looking up those pictures, I stumbled upon pictures of the other celebrities there. As mentioned, all people attending Coachella are unwashed. They must have German Shepherds at the gates sniffing for any traces of soap or lavender or perfume of any sort and if you do then you’re fucked. If you smell of greasy skin, cigarettes, and the remnants of a burrito from the other night then you’re cool because – millionaire or hundredaire –  no one is allowed in showered.

One celebrity’s outfit struck me for many reasons and left me questioning many aspects of said reality…

The first being…

Where the fuck is Eric Roberts?

Of course, I’m referring to evidence A…












I’m guessing Eric Roberts hasn’t seen this lack of outfit or his daughter Emma Roberts barely covered by it.

I’m guessing that because GOOD FUCKING GOD SHE’S WEARING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Sincerely, if Emma was wearing nipple pasties instead of this string of material across her nipples – would there really be much of a difference? As for the shorts, they’re barely in existence and she’s already unbuttoned half of little was covering her. This very well may be the absolute least there could be to consider the person wearing anything at all.

I’ve also noticed in many of these pictures for Coachella that girls are wearing no pants. None. Just nothing covering their legs. Their legs from foot to half an inch from penetration are completely uncovered. It looks hot in the pictures, but where the hell is Coachella held? The surface of Mars? You’re not wearing any pants! It’s in California, which I guess is the surface of Mars. In the background of Coachella pictures you’ll see guys wearing pants and in the foreground you’ll see the 2nd lead from a CW show and she’ll be wearing a thong and a sarong made of tissue paper.

So, where the fuck is Eric Roberts in this equation?

I know Emma is 21 (just looked that up) and she’s probably making low 7 figures in whatever it is she does, but C’MON MAN! I’d rather be seen as the enemy for the rest of her life than let my daughter out in public in that “outfit”. I don’t have kids of any variety, but there has to be a compromise made that she cannot go out dressed like that. Literally, Paris Hilton was at this same event and was wearing 10x more clothing than Emma Roberts. Paris fucking Hilton! PARIS HILTON! Even, Kristen Stewart who we know is not wearing pants because that girl’s thighs want it just as much as her face and she has a tough time wrangling those girls into a pair of skinny wranglers because they just want to free and feeling the breeze and so on, so she wasn’t wearing pants, but she certainly didn’t have her tiny shorts in a state of unbuttoned tension as well as Kristen did wear an actual shirt or shirt like construct as opposed to Emma who is I’m assuming wearing a waistband from a pair of men’s boxers around her teeny tinies.

Besides compromise, I would absolutely get into a fight with Emma, if I was her dad, to the point that she would be so furious and sad she wouldn’t even want to go to the concert. That’s an option in my head as her fictional padre. I’m just going to make her so upset she can’t dress like a Woodstock sexual assault victim. Seriously, I barely trust having a person stand behind me at an ATM whether it is an old senile grandmother or a texting tween. I give them some dirty fucking looks and memorize their face because in that week if they have somehow stolen my ATM code – I will find them and kill them like Liam Neeson in Taken. So, besides like not wanting my daughter to dress whore-ier than Paris Hilton, I would also need to go to Coachella with her and a loaded twin set of UZIs cocked and ready as well as the B team of The Expendables (Dolph, Crews, Couture) and we would all be prepared to murder kill anyone who looked at Emma for more than 5 seconds. You get all you want out of looking from 1-4 seconds, but 5 and over means your life!

Not to say Emma Roberts dressed as slutty and as attention whorey as this for all of Coachella…

Oh nevermind, she did.

Is this the opposite or reverse psychology of the hat and fake beard for young celebrities? Are they trying to dress so outlandish that the paparazzi will think to themselves “that can’t be Emma Roberts because she’s a classy lady and this is clearly like hooker attire for the Nascar hotel in Las Vegas”. Is that it? Or is it that they are going to give the paparazzi at least something picture worthy to take a picture of. Might as well show off the goods if they’re going to photograph me anyway.

I honestly would go fucking insane if this was my daughter and this is what she was wearing.

The reason why I know I would be furious is because I’m not her father and I know how happy it makes me to see hot chicks dress more provocatively than I’m even imaging in my dreams. Like a chick in a pair of yoga pants can be satisfying enough let alone when they’re basically strutting around naked. It’s like they’re doing the job for me. Here is the outfit your perverted mind wants me to be wearing and boom they’re actually in that outfit. Who knew a bikini with a 100% see thru barely there mesh oversized t-shirt was an outfit perfectly acceptable for someone to wear? I didn’t. I love that it is because I’m of no relation to these people and I can just sit back and bask in the glow of a near naked Emma Roberts strutting around.

I do want to point out that there was at least one day of Coachella (how long was this fucking concert? I see pictures of celebrities in like 150 outfits – is it an entire month? Coachella year?) that Emma tried her best to not dress as an anime porn character.

Oh my God! What a fucking prude?! What was it prude day at Coachella? Seriously…

Emma Roberts must’ve been boiling alive in that outfit. I mean it’s covering her stomach and it’s also not unbuttoned in the vagina area. How could she stand all that fabric?! Was this martyr day? There’s no need to be a hero Emma and burden yourself with enough clothing that could still not be passable in most restaurants. If you walked into an Applebees dressed like that – the Applebees people would give you some looks – APPLEBEES! And they’re for everyone feeling good, everyone in the neighborhood. But the flower power prostitute may not be allowed to feel good in the neighborhood Applebees because it’s X-rated.

Lastly, God bless Emma Roberts.


There’s a slim very slim chance I’ll meet Emma Roberts. Also, it’s even slimmer that in this chance encounter she’ll strip naked for me just for the hell of it. What is great about this world is that you don’t need to meet people any more to see them naked. They are willing to get naked or dress almost naked just out and about and allow people to take pictures of them and post them on the internet. I literally have to do zero leg work. I don’t even have to wait for Emma to appear in a movie where she tries to prove her new “adult image” by stripping naked for everyone to prove to us that she needs  to be taken seriously. Nothing is more serious than a nude chick, right? Or at the very least a topless chick? Anyway, we don’t even need to wait for that to happen because Coachella is here and girls are basically showing up to it nude to listen to Rihanna play the same songs that are playing every 5 seconds on the radio. I love this world. Thank you, Emma.

Thank you.

3 Responses to “KSWI ASKS, Where is Eric Roberts when you need him?”

  1. PWG said

    It does seem like Coachella has been going on forever. It’s like George “Matey” Martin’s winter.

    Emma Roberts is cute, although those pictures are not the proof of that.

    I stayed up until 3:00 or so because I fed my dog pot roast, which did not agree with her.

    This post was funny, and if I weren’t nearly comatose I would tell you that better.

  2. PWG said

    Meant to forward this on to you yesterday but it fits today’s “dress like a hooker” theme better anyway. Click on this link to Jim C. Hines’ blog just because it’s funny as hell.

    But there’s a link on that page near the top, called “Hey Everyone – Stop Taking This Picture” that actually has a Kristen Stewart tie-in, in that she’s the only one on the page (including Vin Diesel) not doing the “look at my tits and ass” pose. I’m not including that link because if I post two URLs I get moderated.

  3. Hey there! Do you know if they make any plugins to safeguard against hackers?
    I’m kinda paranoid about losing everything I’ve worked hard
    on. Any recommendations?

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