KSWI Does Not Feel Sad For Michael Fassbender Or His Big Penis

April 26, 2012

Happy Thursday!

Another ugly day in New Jersey or at least where I am. This week has been highlighted by muggy days since we were hit with a Noreaster on Sunday. God tried to drown us on his day and then on Monday he tried to blow us away with wind and since he’s tried to get us to off ourselves with depressing grey tones. It’s cool which is nice because I like light zip up jackets, but it’s April almost May and we had zero winter and I’m half expecting to wake up one day and it to be 98 degrees outside with a humidity of 120% and to think that God is just punking us. I don’t trust the coolness in the air. It’s a trick!

Anyway, I have two topics to talk about…

1. The NFL Draft… trust me, I’ll make it short and sweet… just like I told my prom date. Whaddup!

2. Shame… I saw Shame last night starring Michael Fassbender and his Fassbender aka penis and I have some thoughts about that movie. The rant I go on will be spoiler filled and I have a different take on how “sad” this movie truly is.

Here. We. Go.

THE NFL DRAFT

I am a BLACK and GOLD loving Steeler fan as anyone who reads this blog should know. I have a couple thoughts about what the Steelers should do in tonight’s draft. Oh right. If you don’t know, the NFL draft starts tonight. All the big kiddies who have declared themselves from college will get their moment in the Sun to be millionaires as tonight the first 32 of them will be drafted by a team and given a ton of money to play what is essentially a revised deathsport and I FUCKING LOVE IT! Back to the Steelers, I think there are two main areas of interest I’m hoping the Steelers solve and both are the “line”.

First and foremost, the Steelers need need need need NEEDto fix their offensive line once and for all. It doesn’t have to be with their first pick or the following 2 or whatever, but the Steelers do need to invest in their offensive line and fill all the holes that it has. Every year I have to watch Ben Roethlisberger get hit with career ending hits and somehow that Frankenstein monster continues to play exceptional at QB even absorbing this punishment and playing crazy hurt. But that shouldn’t be the game plan! You’re supposed to protect that quarterback! So they need to get some offensive line guys and really they need to get two new guards, two new tackles, and then back-up guards and back-up tackles. All they have is Pouncey and Legursky and that’s it.

At the same time, the Steelers’ defensive’s age was a big story all last year. The Steelers do need to get younger on defense. It’s an issue, but not the biggest priority in my opinion. A lot of people think the Steelers are going to go after a young linebacker and I’m cool with that. The Steelers are the best at picking and then grooming linebackers so why not continue that. But the Steelers really have a problem with their DT – defensive tackle. Reason being, Casey Hampton is old. Casey has played great great great for many many many years and he’s definitely at the point where he needs to help groom his replacements. They got this kid Heyward I believe and hopefully he makes more strides, but a DT wouldn’t be a bad choice in this draft. On the outskirts of that, the Steelers do need to get another DB – defensive back – at some point. They got rid of William Gay and they’ve really hadn’t had another good cover corner besides Ike Taylor. And as good as Ike is, he has some bad days and it would be nice if there was another dude who could help carry the weight when Ike fucks up.

Besides the Steelers, I’m specifically looking forward to see where Chandler Jones – Syracuse Defensive End – because he is the younger brother of Jon Jones the UFC light-heavyweight champion and Arthur Jones the DT for the Baltimore Ravens. I’m also really interested in seeing who grabs Brent Weeden. I have high hopes for that guy and think he’s NFL ready. He was the quarterback for Oklahoma State who just happened to be Andrew Luck in their final bowl game. I think Weeden’s got a ton of upside and really think people are complaining way too much about the fact that he’s the oldest player in the draft by several years because his first sport was baseball and he played professional baseball before he went to OSU and became a QB. I like Weeden, sue me.

SHAME

I get it. He’s unhappy.

I watched Shame last night and I did like it a lot. In many ways, it was Drive except swap the violence for sex. That’s about the main difference in the two movies. Both are 70’s styled movies about intensity and feelings and not so much on storylines or dialogue. Fassbender, like Gosling, barely speaks in the movie and when he does it’s usually not about the words he says and more about how he says or how loudly he says it or how emotionally he says it. Both characters are a heartbeat away from a full mental breakdown at any time. Both characters could also have all their emotional problems solved by adopting a fucking puppy. … … that is if they didn’t kill the puppy like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Anyway… a damn puppy would solve both of these guy’s feelings that they are completely unattached from the human experience because puppies rule and they make you feel feelings.

And… Carey Mulligan is the only girl in the movie with more than 2 scenes.

Shame is really trying to sell you on Fassbender being the most depressing person in the world with heavily dramatic music and long lingering stares with Fassbender slightly frowning. If you don’t know Fassbender has the worst addiction of them all – he’s a sex addict.

Wait… did I say “worst”? I should’ve said MOTHERFUCKING BEST addiction. Yep. I don’t get that this movie is thaaaaaat sad. Seriously, if it wasn’t for director Steve McQueen trying his best to make this sad then I don’t think anyone would think this is sad. There are a couple bad things that happen to Fassbender, but not that bad. Nothing worse than breaking your wrist and wearing a cast type of sad or anything. Let me stop beating around the bush and get to spoilers and all such…

*SPOILERS*

Let me also say that even if you know the spoilers, it really won’t affect the movie that much. I’m pretty sure you get that he’s going to have a lot of sex in the movie and be all mopey about it.

Anyway…

First and foremost of why this movie is not sad at all, Michael Fassbender is great looking and has a big penis.

BOOM!

CHECKMATE!

GAME OVER!

WHATEVER!

What else do you need?

Oh wait, there’s more. Fassbender is smart, wealthy, has a great apartment, and the kicker of it all —- absolutely every girl wants to have his dong inside them … including his sister. Ok, the last part is kind of weird, but that’s just how damn good looking and attractive and everything Fassbender is. Am I wrong in thinking that it’s difficult for me to feel bad for a guy who is great looking and has every objectively good thing going for him and I’m supposed to feel bad for him because he doesn’t feel completely fulfilled in life having sex with gorgeous women all the time? Oh yeah, he’s a fucking sad sack that he gets to sleep with New York’s finest each and every day.

You know what would’ve been sad? An ugly dude who was a sex addict. Let’s take a 5’6″ chubby balding man who has a below 90 IQ and sweeps up at your local McDonalds and the only thing that makes him happy is fucking hot chicks. Guess what? No hot chicks or any chicks are fucking this guy. That’s a fucking sad movie. Fassbender dicking two gorgeous prostitutes at the same time is not sad… that’s glorious. I felt like I should’ve paid double the money to see that. Oh, did I forget to mention that Fassbender is also playing an Irish born with a slight Irish accent in the movie, so I’m sure that doesn’t help him score with EVERY FUCKING GIRL EVER… oh wait it does.

Also, let me skip forward and tell you that NOTHING bad happens to Michael Fassbender. Nothing. He doesn’t get his dick chopped off or an STD or anything. At one point, Fassbender tells a girl at a bar that he wants to go down on her and gets graphic about it and even fingers her at the bar a little and her boyfriend comes round and Fassbender literally tells him exactly what just happened and what happens next? Fassbender gets sucker punched twice and kicked twice. BIG FUCKING DEAL! Am I the only one who has been in a bar fight or a fight at a frat house that was started by spilled beer and too much salty language? I’ve been punched in the throat for just standing too close to a fight. I didn’t get to talk dirty to a chick and then finger blast her first. So, that’s the worst thing that happens to Fassbender. ABSOLUTELY THE WORST THING!

On this wild night of hand sodomy, Fassbender does find himself at an after hours gay bar which is exactly what you would and should expect – full on sex on every available piece of solid footing. So, this is supposed to be this really bad scene where Fassbender has decided to go gay. What happens? Some Hispanic man happily gives Fassbender a blowjob. Shame? This movie should be called I FUCKING WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY YOU FUCKS! Well, in all honesty, if you’re gay or bi or open-minded to men having sex with other men, then what’s the big fucking deal with this scene? Who fucking cares?! It’s not like Fassbender has a wife and kids or anything. I mean a free blowjob is about the best deal you’re ever going to get as a man on this crazy spinning rock we call Earth. I would imagine there’s a high probability that when you enter a house of homosexual male sex that you might have to get a penis in the butt. I would imagine that idea has to be at least entertained. Not so much with Fassbender because guys just want to give him a BJ and they’re completely cool with that.

A lot of people might point to what happens with Carey Mulligan as sad. Well… I guess.

So, Carey plays Fassbender’s sister and the two of them have a creepy relationship to say the least. They’re way too cool with being around each other naked and let each others’ sexy bits rub against each others’ sexy bits. Now, the sad stuff that could’ve happened to this fictional character would’ve happened in the past. We don’t get any answers as to why they are the way they are. Were they molested? Maybe… to … probably. But we don’t see that or hear about it. Carey’s character is a weirdo as much as Fassbender is, but the worst thing that happens to her in the movie ends up ok. Carey tries to commit suicide by slitting her wrists. That sounds bad. But… she’s fucking fine! She ends up ok in the hospital. Also, it’s not the first time she tried doing it either. Not to say that isn’t bad, but it would’ve been a fuck ton worse if she died, which she doesn’t. It’s almost crazy that she doesn’t die because who knows when she did slit her wrists and how long she was bleeding out before Fassbender finds her covered in crimson in his bathroom and then proceeds to give basically zero medical attention.

Ummmmm… a fucking tourniquet would’ve helped I’m guessing. I’m no doctor, but I think you should probably put a tourniquet on both of her arms and bandage the wounds and maybe even soak her wounds in freezing ice water to slow the bleeding. JUST A FUCKING GUESS! Either way, none of that matters because he calls 911 and they save her life.

What else?

Oh right, Fassbender’s boss fucks Carey Mulligan in the movie on Fassbender’s bed. That is probably the worst thing that happens in the movie. I would probably have to quit my job if I had to take orders from a guy who one and done-d my sister in my own bed. That’s creepy shit. But that’s really not that big of a deal. It was consensual sex and he already knew that his boss was an adulterer.

What else?

Oh right, Fassbender’s sex addiction means he loves porn. Like more than I or any other male does… slightly. He looks at it all day at work – who doesn’t – and his job finds out his computer is filled with porn, but they don’t blame him and instead guess it is some intern. Fassbender also throws away all his porn at some point in the movie, so isn’t that a good thing? Oh and Fassbender jerks off at work. BIG FUCKING DEAL. Whatever gets you threw the day. He’s apparently really good at his job – another plus for Fassbender – while being a creep who masturbates in a public toilet. I was fully expecting a scene or multiple scenes of Fassbender being a real pervert and pulling his dong out at inopportune times and getting in trouble for that, but none of that happens. He actually has his shit together for someone who is supposed to be out of control.

Hmmmm… is there any other scene in the movie that is supposed to be sad that really isn’t?

Hookers. Fassbender pays for sex a couple times in the movie. Big deal? Nope. Do you want to know why? Because we’re not talking about the sex industry at all. We’re not focusing on if it is sad for these women to sell their bodies and maybe they were pulled into the sex trade blah blah blah. Nope. Not at all. We’re viewing this from Fassbender’s perspective. What happens? The dude calls for a prostitute and then a gorgeous prostitute shows up. AMAZING! Also, Fassbender isn’t hurting for cash so it’s a win-win situation for him. On the flip side, even if we were watching this from the prostitute’s perspective, I’m sure having sex with Fassbender is a walk in the fucking park compared to some of the other low lives that they are forced to have sex with for money.

LASTLY… Fassbender isn’t even into anything kinky.

At the end of the day, I would have expected a sex addict to be a real fucking deviant and want to be peed on while watchingMerry Poppinsand yelled at in German by a woman older than his grandmother. That’s what a sad sex addict is. Some dude who likes to have sex with GORGEOUS women isn’t a “sex addict” as much as a fucking “sane man”. Sure, we have to be really serious and see that he isn’t smiling afterward or whatever. Big deal, buddy. I’m sure having athletic sex with super models is not the worst hobby you can spend your days doing even if it doesn’t fulfill you like it should. The craziest thing that Fassbender does it get blown by a dude as mentioned and unless you’re Rick Santorum and think a blowie with a mustache is going to bring the end of modern civilization then seeing Fassbender get one really should be a “is that fucking it?” moment for you.

Shameis a good movie.

Michael Fassbender definitely should’ve been nominated for the Oscar’s best actor (with Gosling and Gosling winning for Drive). I thought it was well shot, well directed, well acted, and was an interesting movie. But let’s be honest, it’s a cinematic achievement in its own right trying to make this guy’s life seem depressing when it’s about every guy’s wet dream.

And who knows… maybe in a week or two Mulligan and Fassbender adopt a golden retriever and they live happily ever after.

2 Responses to “KSWI Does Not Feel Sad For Michael Fassbender Or His Big Penis”

  1. It’s “Bring Your Kids to Work Day” over here, and they’re running around everywhere. One wandered into my cube while I was reading this, which made me feel like more of a deviant than Fassbender sounds.

  2. PWG said

    Shame sounds like that thing where people say you don’t want to win the lottery because those people end up miserable.

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