This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #DRAFT

April 27, 2012

Happy Friday!



Sincerely, happy fucking Friday to you wonderful people and all your loved ones and the people you cherish most in your heart on this planet Earth and in the outer reaches of the Almighty’s domain, Heaven. Sincerely, happy fucking Friday to you, who I wish to leave a wet kiss of gratitude on the forehead of each and everyone of you reading this with your deeply emotional colored irises, and to all of the people who are alive on this plane of existence and those who have past into a life beyond this one and are now at the side of the omnipresent Lord who controls and began all and one day we will all be let into his arms of true benevolence and love. Happy fucking Friday.

Last night was the first round of the NFL Draft and I want to talk a bit about it.

But first, I do want to mention that there are some ladies fighting – consensually – in a cage and live and free on the internet this Saturday night. Here is a video of this all female cagefighting card. I’m excited for this card and hope you watch it or at least tell other people about it and they watch it.


Now, let’s talk about the draft.

Last night, the first round aka the first 32 picks of the draft went along quite nicely. I have a few thoughts to share about these 32 picks and I believe I have a special guest who has some thoughts as well…

Professor J.B. Money Cakes (Me): IT’S 2007’s KRISTEN STEWART! Oh my God! Thank you for joining the website today. This is such an honor.

Kristen Stewart (KS): I’m glad… yeah? Fucking glad to be invited and be here for this moment.

Me: Yeah. Yeah? Alright. We should start, right?

KS: I want IT.

Me: Good enough for me. The first two picks of the NFL draft were:

1. Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck – QB
2. Washington Redskins – Robert Griffin III – QB

Your thoughts, Kristen?

KS: I want IT.

Me: I see you’re already playing with your hair. This bodes well. I like the first two picks especially because they were the two picks we all knew were going to be picked and all that hype was not for naught and it actually happened. The cornerstone of every team is the quarterback simply because they touch the ball so damn much. I don’t think your team’s best player or attribute has to be the quarterback, but you need a solid quarterback you can count on to win and to not fuck up if you want to win a Super Bowl or want to do well in the NFL.

KS: I want IT.

Me: I do too? Or they do too, I should say. Both teams are infinitely better on paper and I think in reality with Luck and RGIII. Neither the Colts or the Redskins had anything worth noting as their QBs last year, so these were good moves. RGIII should provide that dangerous element the Redskins need on offense. Luck should provide the structure and consistency that the Colts need. Next…

3. Cleveland Browns – Trent Richardson – RB
4. Minnesota Vikings – Matt Kalil – T

KS: I want … IT?

Me: Agreed, Kristen. I have no idea what happened here in the draft. The Cleveland Browns had the 4th pick and the Vikings had the 3rd pick, but moments before the picks were made the Browns traded the Vikings their 4th pick for their 3rd pick as well as the Browns gave the Vikings a few picks of theirs in later rounds of the draft to get that 3rd spot, which was one spot removed from the pick they had.

KS: I want-

Me: Let me finish, Kristen. Even squirrelier about this move was that in every mock draft done that I read – which were several – everyone guessed the Vikings were going to take Matt Kalil, which they did. I think he’s a great pick as the Vikings do need to fix their offensive line. Meanwhile, the Browns all along wanted running back Trent Richardson. Plus, the Vikings already have a great running back at Adrian Peterson, so why did the Browns give away all these picks to get a guy they were already going to get because the ONE and ONLY team in front of them was going to pick a different guy all along? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Is Cleveland Brown’s President Mike Holmgren suffering dementia?

KS: I want IT?

Me: I want answers too, Kristen. Either way, I think the picks are good ones for their teams minus the mess of the trading of the picks. I’m a big fan of offensive lineman and the Browns are in desperate need of skill position players like Trent at running back. Next up… let’s start doing a lightning round of sorts…

5. Jacksonville Jaguars – Justin Blackmon – WR
6. Dallas Cowboys – Morris Claiborne – CB
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Mark Barron – SS
8. Miami Dolphins – Ryan Tannehill – QB
9. Carolina Panthers – Luke Kuechly – ILB


Me: Exactly! A wild line-up of players that I’m pro for almost all of them. Most of these picks were on the money of most mock drafts I saw. The Jags were the least effective passing team all last year and the number 1 wide receiver in the draft Blackmon should help that team greatly if they get that kid the ball. He has Calvin Johnson type abilities. As for the Bucs and the Cowboys, they switched their picks, and ended up essentially switching up draft players. Both are great DBs in college and both should fill in where both teams are severely lacking. As for Tannehill…

KS: I want IT.

Me: This is where you and I disagree, Kristen. I’m not sold on Tannehill and I think the Dolphins need to focus on other areas like wide receivers especially considering they traded away their best WR recently with Brandon “Borderline” Marshall going to the Bears. Not that Matt Moore is necessarily the QB of the Dolphins’ future, but they need to build around him and work on other key areas in my opinion. As for Kuechly, I know little about the guy outside of him being a tackling machine and that’s what the Panthers need. They need to spend almost all their money defense because that is what not only fell apart on them last year, but was never there to begin with. If the Panthers can create a serviceable defense this year then they will find themselves quickly battling for supremacy among that topsy turvy NFC south division. Long live “The Prophecy” Cam Newton.

KS: I want IT!

Me: Me too, Kristen. Me too.

10. Buffalo Bills – Stephon Gilmore – CB
11. Kansas City Chiefs – Dontari Poe – DT
12. Philadelphia Eagles – Fletcher Cox – DE
13. Arizona Cardinals – Michael Floyd – WR
14. St. Louis Rams – Michael Brockers – DT
15. Seattle Seahawks – Bruce Irvin – OLB
16. NY Jets – Quinton Coples – DE

KS: I want IT.

Me: I see your point, Kristen. I’m 50/50 on these. I like the Bills pick-up because I love seeing teams spending a lot on their defense. Add Gilmore to the recently signed Mark Anderson and Mario Williams and clearly the Bills are trying to create a defense that was not there last year – I like it. The Chiefs had a good defense that got better as the season went on and Poe should add to that with their defensive minded coach. Did the Eagles really need a DE at this point in the draft? Not in my opinion. The Eagles have one of the worst O-lines out there and they are not addressing it. The Cardinals going after a WR is a nice move trying to even out their offensive attack and giving Larry Fitzgerald someone to play with. The Rams apparently wanted Floyd who went to the Cards, but I like the improving the defense idea because why not. Like I said, I love mean defenses, so I get that. The last two picks I’m not so sure about. The Seahawks drafted a project in Irvin. They did recently give up their best linebacker to the Saints, so they need a new LB, but Irvin is a problem character and is he really the best choice for this early on in the draft? I don’t know. As for Coples, well, the Jets said they really wanted Ingram who is still on the board at this point, but they didn’t go for him. They said they wanted a few other players too who were also still available, but went for Coples instead. The Jets do need a DE badly, but it’s curious they chose this one.

KS: I. Want. IT.

Me: I agree. I just agree, Kristen.

17. Cincinnati Bengals – Dre Kirkpatrick – CB
18. San Diego Chargers – Melvin Ingram – OLB
19. Chicago Bears – Shea McClellin – OLB
20. Tennessee Titans – Kendall Wright – WR
21. New England Patriots – Chandler Jones – DE
22. Cleveland Browns – Brandon Weeden – QB
23. Detroit Lions – Riley Reiff – T

KS: I want… IT!!!!!!!!

Me: I fucking love it all too. Minus Wright, Weeden, and Reiff, all those picks are defense and I like all of them. I especially like the Chargers going after Ingram because they do need to get a lot tougher on defense. I find it funny that the two guys I was the most concerned with where they went went right after another in Jones and Weeden. Damn, Bill Belicheck, I like that man’s style and I fucking hate his team. I like the Jones pick-up a lot and they needed a new DE to begin with let alone, as mentioned, they gave up Mark Anderson to the Bills. As for Weeden, he will immediately be competing for that starting job with Colt McCoy. I like that in the sense that I like Weeden and think he can be a starting QB in the league, but I don’t think the Browns were in need of a QB there. Colt McCoy is not the problem in my opinion with the Browns. I’m not sure what the rest of their draft will be, but they are in lack of weapons in WR and RB and everything on offense. They only have one real playmaker in Joshua Cribbs and they need to fill that out more. Richardson helps, but doesn’t fix the problem. Lastly, I like the O-lineman pick-up by the Lions. They need to protect Matt Stafford.

KS: I want IT. I want IT? I want IT.

Me: Exactly, and you know who is up next, right? Kristen?


Me: 24. Pittsburgh Steelers – David DeCastro – G

KS: I want IT.

Me: We are on the exact same wavelength right now, Kristen. Yesterday, I mentioned that the Steelers needed to pick an offensive lineman. I said I read a lot of people thinking they were going to go after Hightower at linebacker instead of an lineman and that I was OK with that because Hightower is supposed to be great and all, but the Steelers really need to address their line problems in this draft. Thankfully, they listened. Obviously. The Steelers picked up David DeCastro who played at Stanford and protected Andrew Luck’s ass for several seasons. Now, he’ll be protecting Large Benjamin’s. I can’t wait. The Steelers still need more offensive lineman, but this is a step in the right direction.


Me: Next up, fucking Bill Belicheck grabs Hightower, which I fucking respect obviously.

25. New England Patriots – Dont’a Hightower – ILB
26. Houston Texans – Whitney Mercilus – DE
27. Cincinnati Bengals – Kevin Zeitler – G
28. Green Bay Packers – Nick Perry – OLB
29. Minnesota Vikings – Harrison Smith – SS
30. San Francisco 49ers – A.J. Jenkins – WR
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Doug Martin – RB
32. NY Giants – David Wilson – RB

KS: I want IT. I want IT?

Me: Yeah, I’m also kind of 50/50 on these picks, but a couple of the picks I’m unsure of are on teams I’m sure of, so who knows. On paper, I agree with a few of these picks and, on paper, I don’t. The Patriots and the Texans, I completely agree with their picks. I really like the Patriots pick and Dont’a will fit nicely next to Mayo next year. The Texans gave up Mario Williams to the Bills, so they do need a new stud at DE. The Bengals went offensive line, which I absolutely never question. You can never have enough talented offensive line players… NEVER.


Me: Yep. The Packers do need more talent on D. I wouldn’t be surprised if their next couple picks are a safety or a CB. They might go after an offensive lineman just because their great O-line did get hurt last year which caused them problems later on, but they need to address their roughness on D. They are a bend not break team and I’m sure they would rather be a more attacking defense than a passive one. The Vikings need talent almost every where and they definitely need help in their defensive secondary, so a SS is a good pick-up. As for the last three picks…

KS: I want IT?

Me: I’m not sure either. I trust that Jim Harbaugh knows what he’s doing, but he already bought Randy Moss and Mario Manningham and already had Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree. How many receivers does he need? Especially with a QB like Alex Smith who is far from a gun slinger. But maybe we’re all wrong and Jenkins is exactly who they need. As for Tampa and the Giants? I wouldn’t have guessed they were going to pick RBs, but who knows. I think that Tampa needs players in other areas more. The Giants, I would’ve guessed a defensive back. Maybe they’re going to load up on them in later rounds and they love this kid Wilson, but it wouldn’t have been my choice. Plus, if the Giants were going to get a RB, I would’ve guessed they were going to get a big RB who is about power running and not a small fast one. That’s me though. The Giants have won the Super Bowl twice recently, so it’s hard to question them too much, but not what I was expecting. Any final thoughts, Kristen?

KS: I… want… IT.

Me: I see I’m losing you, Kristen. It appears you are wanting the shit out of the time tunnel vortex wormhole outside the window, so have fun traveling back to the present. It was nice talking to you.

– end scene –

I hope you all have a great weekend.


6 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #DRAFT”

  1. PWG said

    As probably the only person who is going to read every actual word of today’s post, instead of just scrolling down and laughing at the pictures, may I ask if by this:

    “Damn, Bill Belicheck, I like that man’s style and I fucking hate his team.”

    you mean his BIG FAT CHEATER style? Because I hate Bill Belichick, and so should everyone else. My word on this is final.

  2. Iwantthose12minutesback. said

    This blog (it’s a blog, right?) is fucking awful. I’ve spent 12 minutes here. Just…awful.

  3. nixhaw said


    I’ve been lurking for a few weeks. Just not in a commenting mood. However I wouldn’t want Jordan to think I’ve abandoned him, ergo my *wave*

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