Happy Friday!

Happy 4/20!

With it being the infamous weed holiday, I am legally required to post two pictures…

No, mom! I just love plants. I’m like a horticulturist like a whore for plants or whatever that means. Leave me alone!

And…

Nope, no one is watching. Not a single person minus the paparazzi sitting in a Toyota Tercel down the street taking pictures of everything you do.

Anyway…

Today is Friday, so what have we learned at the end of this working week?

People don’t like me talking about science fiction weapons that may or may not be applicable for home life…

People don’t like me talking about Girls and/or incest…

Whatever, weirdos!

What is there to talk about? I suppose movies…

I read that Catching Fire may have a new director in Francis Lawrence. Most of you will remember Francis from his directing of Water for Elephants and/or I Am Legend. I didn’t see the former and I didn’t like the latter, but I still like Francis Lawrence. Why? Francis’ directorial debut was Constantine, which I like quite a lot. Yes, the Keanu Reeves movie. I actually like Keanu a lot and think he can be very good. Keanu’s got a great look specifically. He’s good looking, but more so he kind of looks like someone who you would draw. He has a very comic book character esque look about him naturally. Also, he brings what most action stars should bring which is physicality and a seriousness to the action – at the same time the dude is obviously a fucking weirdo, which makes him that much better. Anyway, I like Constantine a lot and mostly because of Lawrence’s highly engaging visual style. So, I’m always assuming that Lawrence can make another good movie. I Am Legend was plagued by many problems including that it wasn’t really an adaptation of the original story, but a remake of Omega Man. Either way, no one can argue that Lawrence doesn’t make pretty movies and that’s half the battle. If the producers and studio can keep a safe distance (which they won’t) then I think Lawrence can make a fine adaptation. Also, noteworthy – that’s all Lawrence really does anyway – Water for Elephants, I Am Legend, Constantine are all adaptations.

I read that Martin Scorsese is adapting the play or novel or whatever of The Wolf of Wall Street and shocking shocking shocking Leo DiCaprio will be said “wolf”. The story is the “original” tale of a guy making a ton of dough on Wall Street and then doing drugs and alcohol and having a downward spiral. Isn’t that every damn movie about Wall Street including Wall Street? I hate Martin Scorsese. Honestly, I just don’t get his appeal. I have never watched a single one of his movies and been like I need to watch this again ever… and I have never watched a single one of his movies and thought, “yeah, I can see why I was supposed to watch this”. From Mean Streets to Cape Fear to The Departed. I do not get it. I’ve watched so many of his movies and it is beyond reason that one of them should’ve really left an impact on me. Goodfellas? It’s not a bad movie, but just in terms of gangster movies – I could name dozens of gangster movies before I would even think of Goodfellas. I’ve watched Casino a few times and each time I see it the more it is a caricature of itself. Taxi Driver has its moments, but ultimately has a cop out ending and has absolutely no point. I’ve never watched King of Comedy. I bought it on DVD years ago and never sat down and watched it. I’ve seen Last Temptation, Age of Innocence, Bringing Out the Dead, Gangs of New York, Kundun, Raging Bull, and so on. I just don’t fucking like them.

I will say thatThe Last Waltzis great. Although, seriously, it’s a documentary about The Band and if you like The Band then how could he fuck that up for you. I did see Levon Helm died this week, sad obviously.

The Avengers looks no better to me now than it did when it was first announced. There are I believe 7 clips or so online from the movie as well as a ton of TV spots and trailers. I would guess a good 10 – 15 minutes of the movie is online. And it appears to be 10 – 15 minutes of the movie throughout the movie. I’m still seeing it because why not? Seriously, it can’t be worse than some of the other shit I’ve seen and as mentioned with my movie obsession, I can’t stop myself from seeing it. I’m definitely going to see it almost to see how bad it is to me. I bet people will love it though. People loved Thor and people loved Iron Man and I didn’t, but people did and this movie looks exactly like those movies … plus Transformers 3.

I did/do have an idea for a Justice League movie. In the movie, Superman has already been kidnapped. He’s being held captive in a blacked out strong hold and the Justice League don’t know where he is. The movie is about the bad guys trying to defeat the Justice League by creating clones of them or maybe they are bizarro world versions of them or something. In the end, each member of the league has to defeat basically a clone of themselves in these epic one on one fights. Flash vs. Flash, Green Lantern vs. Green Lantern, Wonder Woman vs. Wonder Woman et cetera. The only one without a clone is Batman as the villains don’t think much of a man without any super powers. Obviously, he becomes the X factor that tilts the fights for the good guys to win as Batman helps the Justice League to use their strengths against their own weaknesses and getting the Green Lantern to defeat the Flash clone and Martian Manhunter’s clone to get smashed by Wonder Woman or whatever. Eventually, they save Superman just in time to defeat the Superman clone who is released on them.

I’m not saying my idea is better than The Avengers, but it wouldn’t have shitty bow skills from Jeremy Renner in it.

I rewatched Total Recall the other night. Such a weird, but good movie. Paul Verhoeven made RoboCop, Total Recall and Starship Troopers. All good/great sci-fi films. He also made Turkish Delight which features Rutger Hauer’s penis if I’m not mistaken. Those Dutch are odd people.

I’m not looking forward to the Total Recall remake at all.

I am getting so excited for Prometheus. Did you see the viral campaign featuring Michael Fassbender? Sooooo good.

I have a feeling that I’ve been having since I saw that first Prometheus trailer several months ago – all the characters will be more or less the characters from Alien. Obviously, Fassbender seems a ton like Ian Holm. But they all seem like the characters from the first. Not a bad thing because Alien is the best.

Anything else?

I’ve been listening to this song on repeat.

I bet it sounds great when you’re high.

Have a great weekend.

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Happy Thursday!

I hope you all humped yesterday. Something and, in most cases, anything. Nothing illegal, hopefully. Fingers crossed you humped a pair of crossed fingers from your lover or their penis or something. But if you humped a vibrator or a pillow or just rubbed yourself up and down on the corner of a sofa – I mean that’s between you and the couch and whatever domestic pet watched and that’s ok with me. As long as you got off, preferably thinking of me, and you’re not too ashamed about it – unless that’s what you’re into.

Speaking of pets and me, I realized I take better care of my dogs than myself. I make sure they get all their medicine at the right times, they eat on a standard schedule, they go out every couple hours, they get enough sleep, and they have plenty of toys to play with as well as a few rough housing periods with me each day. As for myself, I eat sporadically, I don’t sleep on a normal cycle at all – like my pets weren’t up to 2am watching Total Recall – and my toys/play are limited to me typing into this damn laptop all day every day. Also, I pick up their poop. That’s kind of messed up. What do I get in return? I’m not neutered and I can go get fast food or eat dessert or something whenever I want. Anyway…

Today’s post, much like yesterday’s, is from my bookmarked list of random ass articles that sometimes I get to and sometimes I don’t get to. Nothing in the news has truly caught my eye that I felt like writing about. Dick Clark died. There’s that. Other things are happening too I suppose. Carey Mulligan marrying one of the guys from Mumford & Sons. That bitch! Or not a bitch. Alicia Silverstone was on Suburgatory last night reuniting her with Jeremy Sisto who tried to date rape her in the movie, which was right before a guy pulled a gun on her and stole her purse, well before she tried to have sex with a gay guy, and ultimately slept with her step-brother(?). That was an odd movie.

So… we’re going to talk about science fiction weapons that are actually in development to be used in war, BUT I think they’re better suited in the process of raising your children and/or just home disputes. Yep.

The original article is here – http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/technology-blog/5-real-life-weapons-straight-sci-fi-movie-215550863.html

1. Speech Suppressing Gun

Ahhhh… Kristen Stewart. She wants IT. She will also be demonstrating the effects of these devious devices. As you can clearly see here, Kristen Stewart indeed wants IT and is trying to speak, but no sounds are coming out. The gun works by playing back what you’re saying with a .02 second delay causing your brain to get flustered by the echo of your own voice and renders you speechless. First off, I would like to see this shit in action on me. I’ve had plenty of shitty cell phone calls where I can here my echo the entire time and I don’t get flustered. Secondly, I don’t think most people are really thinking when they talk. Do you listen to people and what they have to say? They can’t be thinking when they let those words out of their head. Most people are crazy and what they have to say is crazier.

Nevertheless, I don’t think this is a particularly good “weapon” for crowd control or silencing critics or any of that. Why? Because if you used a speech suppressing gun on someone, people would wait to figure out what it is and then destroy it and then the person would get back to what they wanted to say. It’s not like if you show up for a political rally and a guy goes to speak and then something prevents him from talking for half a second you’re going to turn around and go home. They’ll fix the problem and you’ll wait to hear whatever shit someone is going to say. As far as crowd control, crowds can just destroy shit. The last problem you have is what they say, the first problem you have is that an enormous mob can do basically anything it wants.

But… for your children, it would be perfect! If your kid won’t shut up, blast them with the gun. It should work really well on them because kids are stupid and the younger they are the stupider they are and the quicker they get frustrated and give up. In a one on one situation, this gun would be very effective. You could use it on your kids, teenagers, and even adults like your spouse. They’re getting all yappy at the dinner table and BLAM a quiet dinner.

2. Vomit Ray

Again, I’m not sure this is the best option for crowd control. Having an entire mob of people vomitting would not be the best and maybe the worst idea. This ray is a series of radio waves that screw with your equilibrium and can cause you to be nauseous and possibly throw up. Probably the best thing about this weapon is that it can be shot through walls because they are radio waves after all. I could see this being used, but it would really need to be for a specific purpose. Probably the best thing I think it could be used for is to get someone out of a room and into the bathroom and then to possibly kill or kidnap them in the bathroom, but couldn’t you possible do that more effectively with laxatives? But I get that maybe you don’t have access to their food… blah blah blah. Either way, I’m sure this has some uses.

At home, the best use would be that your kids are idiots and they eat things they’re not supposed to and you can just zap them with the ray instead of shoving your fist and then forearm down their throat to get them to vomit. I guess the same can be said for your pets. Or you could use it on yourself to get out of work if you don’t want to force yourself to vomit by probing your own throat or smelling old mayonnaise.

3. Pain Ray

Here Kristen is in excruciating pain as demonstrated by all the colorful action lines. I chose Christmas colors because the holidays are the most painful days of the year. So, this ray is more or less shooting microwaves at a person and making them feel like they’re on fire. Although, this device is not designed to literally burn something – a small amount of test results did get blisters from it. So it is burning you, slightly. Apparently, this hasn’t seen any action yet (I don’t believe that for a second) but there were 10,000 trial exposures with real people. Amazing. Can you believe people signed up to get shot with a “pain ray”? I wonder if they just signed up for an experiment and they were the unlucky fucks to get “pain ray” instead of “maybe your dick gets bigger pills”.

I guess this would work well in war. It sounds like it would work even better in torture scenarios. But I could see how thinking your skin is on fire would deter you from doing whatever it is that you’re doing.

At home, seriously, this would work amazingly. It would definitely settle the debate about spanking because you don’t need to spank your kid or even touch them if you can simply hit them with a dose of the pain ray for a zap or two. Also, I imagine most kids would beg to be hit after they’ve felt the sensation of their skin being on FIRE. Even better, are you having trouble waking your kids up for school or waking up yourself to go to work? I’m sure a pain ray works a lot better than a cell phone alarm or a cup of coffee.

4. Mind-Control Gun

As we can clearly tell here, Kristen Stewart wants IT and is under mind control because she is drooling. That’s what happens when someone is controlling your mind is they always forget to stop you from drooling.

Either way, this gun is more fictional than the others and really doesn’t “control” your mind. Supposedly, the only real active working guns of these are in Russia, which is really a ton better than some of the other stuff they’ve done to people like detonate a tiny bomb inside a person. So, the gun shoots electromagnetic pulses that screw with your brain and then there’s this other thing that maybe it somehow can be used to implant suggestions. I’m not sure how any of that works or whatever, but the other thing mentioned is that American scientists said that this would only be effective if you really amped up the dosage with microwaves, but that would result in frying the person’s brain.

Sometimes you probably want to fry your kid’s brain or at least attempt to suggest to them with an electromagnetic pulse for them to go to fucking bed and if it results in a little brain frying then so be it. Cost of doing business.

5. Self-Guided Bullet

You shine a laser beam on something and the bullet will come and find it – basically.

I think the usage of this in military situations are pretty obvious as well as law enforcement and so forth. Let’s just kill THAT guy. So, that’s pretty obvious.

But, there are definitely uses at home. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a bullet. I imagine we can rig this up to just about any projectile and with that that can be useful at home. One thing that comes in handy when you’ve got kids or animals or whatever is being able to throw well. Sometimes you’re throwing to said child or animal or both and sometimes you’re throwing at them. Like, you’re kid wants to play catch, but you suck at throwing then this would come in handy. Or if you’re kid is screwing around and you want to peg them with a tennis ball to get them to stop then this would come in handy. Same thing can be said for your wild animal that you have absolutely no control over and you make that psssstt noise that you heard Cesar Milan make at them and it never does anything. Sometimes you want to throw the ball to or for the dog and sometimes you kind of just want to hit them right in the butt when they’re digging a hole they shouldn’t be digging.

Also, if you want to impress your kid that you’re physically more talented than they could believe then you could use this. Just amazing accuracy and distance and all that and they won’t know the difference because kids are idiots. They say the darnedest things because they’re plain stupid and they’ve had zero education or life lessons.

In the end, raising children is a lot like war. No matter how prepared you are for it, it’s more difficult than you think, and if you survive it you’ll be nearly handicapped with PTSD.

Happy Wednesday!

Happy Hump Day (!) as well.

Honestly, I am not getting the most out of my “Hump” days. Specifically, today, I will most likely talk to not a living soul as I am watching my family’s three dogs who have all been photographed and displayed on this website somewhere at some time. If you remember any of those pictures, they all look generally the same. The miniature poodle, Noelle, has been buzzed down at the moment, but the miniature dachshund, Lily, and the golden retriever, Gracie, look nearly identical to whenever the other time they were last featured on this website. They talk very little, and I even less when I’m watching them. Yesterday was day 1 of my parent’s vacation, so yesterday the poodle more or less stared at the door waiting for them to walk in at any moment. Today, the poodle has given up hope and has acquiesced that my near muteness is her only source of affection. So, I’m not only not humping any fellow humans – attractive or unattractive as they may be – I am in fact barely even communicating with canines. But I digress and let’s make fun of some celebrities…

Last month, a website named PAJIBA decided to cull some of ROTTEN TOMATOES‘ lists of celebrities’ 5 favorite films in an effort to save you from your own culling and/or point out the fact that RT has been doing this for several years and/or to truly punctuate how even people who work in the film industry have terrible taste in films.

http://www.pajiba.com/seriously_random_lists/35-actors-list-their-5-favorite-films-which-one-is-your-movie-soul-mate.php

The article goes through 35 actors ranging from Nicolas Cage to Kermit the Frog and somewhere in the middle of all of this if these people are being serious then some of these people need a mental help more than I could imagine and others could become victims of my stalking because WE WOULD BE THE BESTEST OF FRIENDS!

With that, I’ll grab several “stars” whose fearsome 5some of films struck me as particularly interesting… check out the whole list for an additional time killer and even take a look at the rest of these lists on RT. Or don’t. I mean who gives a fuck, right? We’re all trapped on this out of control spinning rock and we’re only a blip on the timeline of existence and we are barely surviving in this constant chaos and all our body wants to do is ejaculate and stuff our faces with chocolate until we die like Elvis shitting on a toilet. So… you know… fuck it.

MEGAN FOX

The Lord of the Rings trilogy
How to Train a Dragon
Kung Fu Panda 2
The Wizard of Oz
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle trilogy

Yikes, Megan! Well, I’m less comfortable with Megan as a representative of the film community and more comfortable with Megan as the soon to be mother of a child because she’s got the taste of a child. Megan should relate really well with young children except when that child does hit 3rd grade the kid will probably surpass Megan’s current tastes as she is a 25 year old woman going on 26 next month. First and foremost, what is uniquely disturbing about this list of 5 movies is that there are in fact 9 movies mentioned. Yep. Two trilogies! And I’ll give you leeway on one, but two? And the second trilogy as absolutely terrible. I still love the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie (minus Corey Feldman’s voice over work), but she is listing Secret of the Ooze and whatever the third one was called when they went back in time to fight samurai? GOOD LORD! What the fuck is wrong with her? All of these movies are kid movies. I don’t care how people may try to justify the LOTR trilogy, but those are kids’ books and kids’ movies. I like them too a bunch and have watched them a bunch, but her most adult movie choice still features elves. And really, Kung Fu Panda 2? TWO?! She has to be telling the truth because no one would make this up in this way, but it really makes the idea that she was questioning Michael Bay’s directing even more questionable. Michael Bay is no genius, but I’m pretty sure he was doing as good of a job on Transformers 2 as whoever was at the helm of SECRET OF THE OOZE!

EMILY BLUNT/JOHN KRASINSKI

Emily…

Jaws
Kramer vs. Kramer
Princess Bride
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
The Lives of Others

John…

Kramer vs. Kramer
Ordinary People
The Verdict
On the Waterfront
The Godfather

First, I’m in love. Second, with the both of them. What the hell, you two?! I am more in love with Emily’s choices though than John’s if I’m being critical. They’ve both got the Kramer vs. Kramer thing going which just makes you want to AWWWWWW that in your fantastical world when they’re dating that they’re discussing Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep and he’s being witty and she’s being British. Oh it’s so magical! Past that, Emily’s favorites are definitely golf clap worthy. She’s got comedy, she’s got romance, she’s got heartbreak, she’s got action, and she’s even got subtitles. All 5 films are wonderful and would be a perfect addition to any 5 favorite film list. As for John, the only real critique I have is it is almost too on the nose. These are all movies that one would be given in an Oscar movie starter pack. And not to say they are similar because these movies are different, but they’re are pretty similar in that the variety of film isn’t more than drama and past that isn’t more than as mentioned Oscar winning drama. None of these movies are dangerous choices, they feel safe. I’m not saying John is a liar, but what I am saying is that if Emily ever wants to be with a more sincere man then I’m at 67 ___ road in ____, New Jersey. What are you hiding, John?! Do you secretly agree with Megan and how fantabulous the secrets of that ninja turtle ooze are?!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

12 Angry Men
A Matter of Life and Death
Dr. Strangelove
Little Miss Sunshine
Jason and the Argonauts

He’s a weirdo. Not surprising in the least though. Danny is what 15 now? Or 16? I can’t remember. Kids grow up so fast. Not fast enough that their favorite movie is 12 Angry Men, but they do grow up fast – just ask Megan Fox. What I’m getting from Daniel’s choices is that he’s an old man or I mean he’s a young man who has been left alone and with that he’s now an old man who does not relate to the fellows of his own age. I personally do love Dr. Strangelove like most and I wouldn’t be shocked if it was on my own list of 5 favorite films, but c’mon Potter you’re 5 years young! Besides 12 Angry Men, the two final choices are what throw me – Little Miss Sunshine with the adjacent Jason and the Argonauts. One choice could be of a high school female and the other of an old gay Hollywood agent. I’m just saying that Daniel’s films would definitely be more comfortable trying to seduce Stanley Tucci than anyone on Gossip Girl.

GINA CARANO

 

True Romance
Braveheart
Let Me In (remake)
Cry-Baby
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

GINA! MARRY ME, GINA! Honestly, Gina Carano’s five favorite films could be Nazi propaganda and she would still remain on my freebie five list from now until eternity. A friend of mine got to meet Gina Carano and when he was telling me the story I literally felt nervous and excited as if I was meeting Gina, but in reality that means if I did meet Gina I would pass out. Literally. That could happen. I would probably barely talk if I met Gina Carano because my adrenaline would have seized my mouth shut and my teeth would be splintering from the pressure of them grinding into each other. Besides that, she likes action and I like that. The only movie that doesn’t sit well with me in this mix is the Let Me In (remake) – I haven’t seen it myself, so I don’t really know if it is good or bad, but I did find the original wildly boring. WE GET IT! SHE’S A VAMPIRE! NOW HAVE HER DO SOMETHING! As for the rest… True Romance is a fun movie written by Quentin Tarantino and directed by Tony Scott and is equal parts those two directors. As much as I hope Mel Gibson is one day torn limb from limb in a royal rumble of undead victims of the Holocaust – Braveheart is a great movie. Cry-Baby is a wildly interesting choice, but not one I dislike at all and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid is a classic. It’s a nice mix of mostly action flicks and I’m sure if I could function around her we would be able to express some shared interests.

ROB PATTINSON

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
The Exorcist
Prenom Carmen
Ivansxtc
Corky Romano

Are Rob and CT from Real World and Real World/Road Rules Challenges fame related? With his head shaved, they look similar, but then when I look at pictures of Rob with hair and CT with hair they still look similar. Someone should not look into this, but I’m just saying. As for the movies, I’m sorry ladies, but Rob is a weirdo who will also be a buzz kill. That is if you watch movies with him instead of just playing out leather scenarios of him beating you with a riding crop while he softly hums an eclectic mix of Beethoven and Nicki Minaj. Obviously, One Flew is one of the greatest movies and The Exorcist is a classic although I care to never watch The Exorcist ever again ever, but that’s just me. As for the other two wildly out there choices of movies that most people have never heard of… well… there’s that. I get it, Rob. You’ve seen some weird movies, which explains why you’re working with Cronenberg more. As for the last choice, Corky Romano, I imagine this is a glib Brit joke of some sort, but he would defend it for a minute just to tease you so he could coyly smile and thus giving you wet panties about the whole “hilarious” situation. If that’s not true and Corky Romano is one of his 5 favorite films then he’s a fucking butthead. Yep, a butthead.

KERMIT THE FROG AND MISS PIGGY

The Wizard of Oz
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Vanilla Sky
Devil’s Advocate
Deliverance

More than anything, this is really unsettling. So, they’re not fictional because they are actual puppets, but they are fictional in the sense that they are not living creatures with brains or personalities or the ability to like or dislike anything. I’m not sure who RT interviewed, but attributing these 5 movies to Kermit and Miss Piggy really is disturbing. Besides Oz, the other four movies are quite adult. Quite. Rocky Horror Picture Show is obviously quite famous for Tim Curry strutting around and singing in high heels and lingerie for the entirety. Not a bad movie by any stretch of the imagination, but to say that is one of the favorite movies of delightful kid’s puppets is another thing altogether. Secondly, Vanilla Sky isn’t even that good of a movie, but let’s pretend it is and say that a sci-fi movie where Cameron Diaz yells that she swallowed Tom Cruise’s cum seconds before she tries to kill the both of them in a car crash and saying it is Kermit’s favorite movie is another thing altogether. Same can be said for Devil’s Advocate, which is also not a particularly good movie and has an ultimate climax of Keanu Reeves stumbling into the devil’s office where a hell orgy is happening may not also be a movie too appropriate for a frog and pig puppet. Lastly, Deliverance is a harrowing story of survival, rape, and revenge and, again, what?! They couldn’t have just copy+pasted Megan Fox’s answers to Kermit and Miss Piggy’s? It really makes me question the underlying subtext of the Muppets.

HAYDEN PENATTIERE

Life is Beautiful
The Power of One
Moulin Rouge
How to Train Your Dragon
Legends of the Fall

Hayden may be smiling and wearing pasties and glistening here in this photo, but make no mistake about it – Hayden likes to cry. JUST FUCKING BAWL! Boxes upon boxes of Kleenex spent and sobbing and snot coming out of her perfect little nose. Those are mostly movies that people just fucking cry through let alone a 5′ tan blonde forest sprite like herself. I can just imagine it. Seriously, The Power of One? I fucking cried during that movie. Fuck you, Stephen Dorff! Fuck you, Africa! That movie was sad. Obviously, Life is Beautiful is sad. Legends of the Fall is a movie most chicks will cry during. I get that that movie is sad, but it is clearly trying so damn hard to make you cry at points without shooting puppies or whatever to literally just make it happen. The swirling music, the dramatic shots, the wind through all their hair. I will belt $1 BILLION that Hayden has cried watching each and every Pixar movie.

JOEL MCHALE

Dr. Strangelove
Blade Runner
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Children of Men
Ikiru

Sold. I’m gay for Joel McHale. It’s really something that I’ve been fighting for awhile now, but with the publishing of this list it is beyond me to control it. If we were out in the west Texas desert and ushering along sheep from one farm to another and it got cold one night in a tent, I would have to make a move on him. I wouldn’t be proud of it because it would be semi-date-rapey, but I would have to seize my opportunity and not really worry what his thoughts were because deep down I know we were made to be together. Fucking Ikiru!?! You’ll be the death of me, McHale. Seriously, that is too much. I fucking love Ikiru as I love each and everyone of those movies like they were the children I never had, but were stolen by me in a Denny’s parking lot. What the fuck, dude? I tried to hate Mr. McHale for awhile because I knew I would like him too much if I just admitted it. He’s on Community, on Community he gets to flirt and touch Alison Brie, he’s a funny funny man, and even my straight eyes can admit the man has a beautiful body – and that was what hurt most of all, he’s good looking. Yes, I’m shallow and I would rather my actors be good looking and talentless or full of talent and unattractive. But, I learned that Joel McHale played college football at University of Washington and some would think that would make me hate him more because that’s so damn cool, but it made me accept him for all his ways that he’s better than because I just fucking love football. Well played, Joel… well played.

KATHERINE HEIGL

Overboard
Coming to America
Steel Magnolias
Charade
The Blind Side

Katherine Heigl is stupidly good looking by the way. I kind of forget that from time to time because I try to not torture myself by watching anything she is in. I mean, I would watch My Father The Hero if it was ever on TV, but it isn’t. Oh yeah, she’s in Knocked Up too. Nevertheless, with how bad Heigl’s other movies are it’s almost a surprise she even watches movies. She was in a movie that came out this year that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies. Nevertheless, some of her movie choices are not surprising and some are. Overboard really doesn’t surprise me that much. I used to love that movie when I was a kid. It’s a fun rom-com and all. Steel Magnolias and Charade also are not too surprising as I do imagine Katherine to be a girly girl in that way and those are chick movies. Coming to America is absolutely shocking because well it’s on the same list as The Blind Side. Who would ever think those two would co-exist for a person in their brain? I love Coming to America about as much as I hate The Blind Side. Outside of Coming to America, I think the rest of these movies represent the movies and the kind of actress that Katherine wishes she were and in, but isn’t.

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT

Blue Velvet
Chariots of Fire
Pulp Fiction
Sid and Nancy
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Well, if you didn’t think Timothy Olyphant was a psycho before then you should now. Three movies on here are psychotic – Blue Velvet, Pulp Fiction, and Sid and Nancy – and that’s all well and good with each other in a sense, but to pair them with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang means that Olyphant is a lunatic. I’m fine with that because I’ve seen him interviewed and I partially do think he’s a bit of a crazy person. I do like these choices though because they’re certainly different, as mentioned they’re highlighted by three very good and very crazy movies, and the other two couldn’t be more different from each other and the other three. Chariots of Fire is another “classic” and is text book filmmaking and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is almost more nut house crazy than Blue Velvet. Either way, it makes me like Tim more knowing that he is partially insane.

BRADLEY COOPER

Life Lessons
The Celebration
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
The Conversation
The Shop Around the Corner

Whatever man, you win. You’re infinitely cooler than I will ever be. Ever. Cooler, better looking, and so on. Those are some daunting choices that if I was your friend, no girl would ever been good enough for you. I can say that with a certainty – you women are not good enough for Bradley Cooper. I mean he needs to have a woman groomed to be solely for him. Like made in a lab. The fucking The Celebration? Seriously, man. And he probably can watch that movie without subtitles. He probably can watch all movies without subtitles. Doesn’t he speak multiple languages? Fuck. And he’s good looking and American. He’s not some Euro creep- he’s from the good ole’ Red, White, and Blue from Philadelphia, and he’s beating the foreigners at their own game. God bless him for that. You would think the guy would make better movies, but I think he doesn’t because they just don’t understand the man. Or it’s all fake. I can see that too. But if it isn’t fake then he should be allowed to marry multiple women because he’s too much for one to handle.

Those are my thoughts… what are yours?

Happy Tuesday!

I believe today is “tax day” or what Ron Paul supporters call “the Tuesday they stop paying taxes because they follow an old out of touch crazy person and end up on a government watch list and then next year have their house seized by the bank” day.

I will begin today’s post by mentioning an item that I hope I do write about in the meat of the post: fetishes.

One problem I have, I go off on these tangents and many times never tackle the subjects that I want to talk about or at least make jokes about because I get stuck in my tangents. There’s a good possibility that will/would happen with this post as well if I don’t mention at the very top of it that at some point I want to talk about fetish sex later. I won’t lie, there’s a possibility that I will forget I wrote this at the top of the post and get to the bottom of the post and never mention fetishes and with that I say sorry. With that I also say, chastise me for this treason in the comment’s section and I’ll learn my lesson. And if that happens, just imagine you are a sexy school mistress of the night and I’m some naughty star quarterback who needs to be taught the hard way and you have to spank me into remembering my post subjects and that should be enough of a fetish talk to settle you for a day. Right? Alright!

GIRLS

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Yesterday, amongst my steady recovery from not sleeping at all Saturday night, but nearly drowning myself in whiskey and beer, I watched the new HBO show Girls. First and foremost, I liked it. I’m going to be saying things later that may make one think that I didn’t like it or that I’m on the fence about it or any of that, so to get that out of the way – I liked it. I did all the things I was supposed to do while watching the show: I laughed, I smiled, I sympathized, I shook my head, and at the end of the episode I wanted to watch more. Oh right, I also wanted to sex each girl on the show. Like a hundred times. But I wouldn’t be a moronic asshole like that one guy about it nor would I be a creepy cousin kisser like the other guy about it. Just some – take you out to dinner, maybe a movie depending on how much time we spend chatting and drinking at dinner, and then foreplay and then vaginal intercourse with her on top. Which is what I think Lena Dunham wanted all of our reactions to be or at least the ones of us specifically watching with the penises. Yous with the vaginas, well, I won’t lie – I have no idea when or if like scissoring is a normal thing. I feel like lesbian porn isn’t a good barometer of what you all do in the bedroom on the reg, but let’s just at the very least the dinner, drinks, maybe a movie given the time, and then braiding each others’ hair turns into the sex scene from Ghost.

I liked the show.

People are talking way too much about this show already. They’ve begun over-analyzing this show, this 30 minutes of television including origin story, in the same way they did last year with Bridesmaids. That movie was a good movie, but it also wasn’t the defining two hours of art of a gender. It was a comedy and not Kristen Wiig’s memoirs of a female nation and how we should know thee. People got pretty crazy about that movie and not in a good way. The way people talked about that movie was literally as if they had never laughed for the right reasons from a woman. Ever. No female comedian was ever funny to them, no actress ever did anything funny to them, and so on. I liked Bridesmaids a lot, but it wasn’t this ground breaking moment in my life because I know there are funny chicks out there and they can be crude and blah blah blah. The first hour of Bridesmaids was a lot like the first hour of Hangover and the second hour was like the second hour of 40 Year Old Virgin – that’s good, but none of those movies are psychological profiles of their gender nor were they supposed to be.

Similar stuff is happening to Girls. People can’t simply enjoy it. Oh no, this show is a look behind the big bright eyes of the boobed 20 somethings of this and that… nope… it’s a show that the girl in the poster who is trying her best to look frumpy and not adorable came up with and it’s supposed to be funny, but slightly relate-able. In that, she succeeded.

What’s the show about?

Hannah (played by Lena) is a smart, young, go-getter in the big city who is now going to deal with being in the city without the financial support of her parents for the first time. She’s also crazy naive and makes those smh-ing (shaking my head) mistakes that makes you want to hold her and say “you can do better than this” and makes you root for her the next time. Hannah lives with her best friend Marnie who is the gorgeous chick biting her lip. Marnie is played by Allison Williams who is Brian Williams’ daughter, which shouldn’t be a “surprise” because he’s a good looking man from New Jersey and half helped produced this model looking daughter – well done, sir. Marnie is the control who seems to have everything figured out on the surface, but in actuality has nothing figured out. The girl next to Marnie who apparently is posing for a photographer off screen and to the left is actually really hot even though it’s not too easy to see that from this picture and she’s also British which is also not easy to see from this picture and her character’s name is Jessa.

Jessa is the chaos, the free spirit who is independent who needs no ones help, but it actually turns out she wants structure, help, and someone to give a million butterfly kisses on her neck and shoulders. Lastly, all the way to the right on both posters, the lesbian from Mad Men who you were rooting for so hard to do Elisabeth Moss so hard – am I right? She plays a very ditsy and idiotic character who rooms with Jessa and is her cousin. Anyway, that’s the overview.

The underview is that Hannah has sex with some dude who looked like a steroided nerd who walked around his apartment with no shirt, jeans and no belt and treated Hannah like shit, but she had doggystyle sex with him. And Marnie’s boyfriend is an enormous pussy who she has lost her sexual attraction towards and now is completely creeped out by his touch, but she won’t tell him or break-up with him, and he titters around the whole episode like a foreign exchange student going through puberty. What does this mean? Well, chicks can write men characters just as poorly as men can write chicks characters.

What does all of this mean?!

Girls will be about awkward sex. THANK GOD! Am I right? Hot girls having awkward sex.

FETISHES!

AHHHHHHHH!!!!

Isn’t that what you always wanted too? A show about attractive girls in their 20’s talking about all the awkward sex they’re having? Well, kind of.

I started thinking about this after watching my dose of HBO – Game of Thrones, Eastbound & Down, and Girls – and Mad Men. Each show has its own brand of sex and isn’t that what fetishism is all about – a specific version of sex that is titillating in its own way?

For Girls, it is supposed to be about “reality”. These are real sex moments with all their faults and unromantic moments.

Mad Men is us having sex the way our parents or grand parents did. Think about that! It’s time travel and cigarettes and worse social consciousness.

For Eastbound & Down, it’s really just the most perverted and utterly unsexy sex you’ll ever see. Each character is a complete social deviant who is also hornier than your average high schooler. The sex scenes are graphic in that they are not sugar coated and are trying their best to make them seem as demeaning to both parties involved. They’re all so helpless and in need of getting off that they’ll do whatever and where ever to achieve it.

For Game of Thrones, it’s a lot of incest. GOOD LORD! If there is one thing that is plaguing George R.R. Martin’s brain more than the term “boiled leather” or “rasher of bacon” it is two people related by blood fucking each others’ holes. That’s what that man from Bayonne, New Jersey thinks about each and every day. INCEST! I was thinking about how everyone is dogging Fifty Shade of Gray for either accurately or inaccurately portraying BDSM. Whether or not it is doing a good job with BDSM, it’s supposedly uncovering this line of thinking that women have that they want to be tied up and blah blah blah. If that book is trash (and it is, but wait for it…) then what the hell does Game of Thrones say about the rest of us who are supposedly reading this great epic tale which is more or less punctuated by INCEST(!!!!).

I’m the last person to defend Game of Thrones and I’m the last person who will recommend reading the books. I like them for what they are in a sense and I’m also reading them because I’m never EVER going to read another fantasy book series like it again. Up until this point, I had read the Lord of the Rings trilogy and The Hobbit. I felt like with my nerdy nerdy nerdy love for dragons and shit that I should read one of the book series that are more modern and famed for it and with HBO actually making A Song of Ice and Fire into a TV series it settled my debate – I’ll read those books. But outside of that, I wouldn’t recommend these books. They’re fun in the sense that every 200 pages something fun might happen and they’re compelling enough, but if I made a list of the best books I’ve ever read – they would never be there. Nor should, any of the paranormal teen romance or whatever for all of you either because there are good books out there – I swear to you there are!

This scene ^^^ from episode 2, that’s Theon and that’s his sister Yara and yes he is fingering her as they ride on a horse. STOP DOING THAT! Anyway, with all the scenes that happen in Game of Thrones’ millions of pages – the few that HBO gets 100% right are usually the incest ones. Why? Because that’s what we’re all tuning in for for some fucking reason. They do try to explain the incest, which is always purely unexplainable. Like in this scene, Yara knows who Theon is and he doesn’t know who Yara is because they haven’t seen each other in 9 years or some such. Theon is a horndog who bangs almost every girl who he comes in contact with (that’s what she said?) and he tries to bang Yara. Now, Yara knows it’s her older brother and says that she wanted to see what type of man he is, so she let him get all date rapey with her on the horse. Yeah? Really? You couldn’t have played 20 questions with him?! I’m not going to lie, but seeing if a guy will finger fuck you is not the best way to gauge what type of man he is… that may only gauge that he is indeed a man. We all have 24 hours in the day to kill and finger blasting a good looking chick is far from the worst way to spend those hours. Lastly, no matter the reason Yara has for willingly committing incest with her brother… she’s incesting with her brother! Her only brother! She’s only got one brother and what does she do with him? INCEST!

I would never go to a family gathering of George R.R. Martin’s. Ever. Never ever.

Anyway, Game of Thronesloves talking about brothers and sisters just dildoing each other with each others penises and so forth. The overarching story of Game of Thrones is kind of completely about incest. Almost everything that happened in season 1 was because a brother and sister just loved fucking each other so much that they actually had three children to prove it. In the second season, that’s still a big issue and there are even more sisters and brothers touching each other where it is illegal for them to touch each other… or is at least frowned upon or whatever. But here we are, watching it, celebrating a third season renewal for it, eagerly waiting for a sixth gargantuan book of it, and looking our noses down on some British chick who wants to be spanked by Rob Pattinson with fake vampire teeth.

I’m just saying – I get it.

Happy Monday!

I’M TIRED!

I didn’t get much sleep this weekend and the times I was up I was either driving or drinking and thankfully not both. And I randomly decided to over extend myself in a game of two hand touch football on Saturday.

FRIDAY – I went to Atlantic City and watched the Bellator cagefighting at Boardwalk Hall. The more I watch cagefighting/mixed martial arts/UFC and so on, it doesn’t become less surreal it becomes way more surreal. The more I watch the more wild it is to me. In the main event of the show, Zach Makovsky who was the Bellator bantamweight champion (135 pounds) lost his belt by a submission in the second round to Eduard Dantas. As I was watching the fight, I couldn’t get it out of my head the overall idea of what is happening. Dantas is in his early 20’s and has the typical poor childhood one would expect from a kid who was born and raised in Rio, Brazil and turned into fighter at a young age. Dantas is in a cagefight in South Jersey fighting to win a fight that will change his life DRAMATICALLY. His life up until this point has already been changed quite dramatically, but winning a belt and being labeled as one of the top fighters for a televised company that is a step below the UFC would be a DRAMATIC shift in his entire existence. I’m literally about to watch the pinnacle achievement of this man’s young life – and he will only be able to describe this experience as surreal and I’m sitting there thinking about that. On the other side, Zach Makovsky is a local who started his career fighting in local shows around New Jersey. He’s an American wrestler who has traveled the world either fighting in a cage or wrestling on a mat and has won international grappling tournaments and plenty of fights. He’s the champion and fighting in what is definitely considered a hometown fight for him. He’s an established tough guy. Not just tough for this area, but he’s been shipped around the world and has won in San Antonio, Tokyo, Cracow and so on and he has shown that there’s a bad dude in Jersey who trains in Philadelphia and if you’re 135 pounds then Makovsky will probably put a whooping on you. For Makovsky, this fight was about keeping that rep and extending its lore.

In the end, Dantas won.

Also, on the card, was a match-up between a Brazilian and a Cuban. Now, in the pre-fight promo packages, they try to hit you with some emotional stuff to make you care more about the fight than just two bantamweights fighting for a shot to be the next guy who gets to fight Makovsky/Dantas. The 5’4″ Cuban and former Olympic Judo bronze medalist spent 3 years in a Florida prison where he said he fought with other inmates constantly. Meanwhile, the Brazilian was married at 14 and had his first kid at 15 or 16.

So what’s worse – prison for 3 years or being married since you were 14 and a father a year or so later?

SATURDAY – My friend’s younger brother’s bachelor party. I went to college with the older brother and have been friends with him since Freshman year and was a groomsmen at his wedding. The younger brother, I’ve gotten to know quite well because of my friendship with his older brother. Both great guys from a great family. Honestly, if there wasn’t something sketchy about polygamy to most of us out there then I would highly suggest to women to try and become sister wives for these men. Anyway, once the bachelor party core group were assembled at the house, we started throwing around a football as men do – you’ve seen it happen in those Wrangler commercials and honestly they’re not far off from the truth sometimes. There were 8 of us, so next we know we’re playing a 4-on-4 hillbilly two hand touch game of football – no shoes, no socks.

The younger men were the victors that day. Myself, the older brother, Brew Dawgz, and the father of the brothers were one team and we lost. The winners were the bachelor and three of his groomsmen who are 3 years younger than me and I was the youngest of my team. It was a good time and was perfectly ended by one of the groomsmen catching a touchdown pass which he dove for and smacked his head into a young sapling tree.

From there, dinner at a steakhouse. I ate myself sick (not literally, but just stuffed) and drank a nice amount. I ordered and ate a steak, mashed potatoes, two scotches, a beer, and a coffee. The father of the soon to be groom ordered two seafood towers for the table for an appetizer unbeknownst to the rest of us. One tower was to be shared for one half of the table, and one for the other. On the half of the table I was at, only two of us ate seafood. There were 5 of us and as soon as the tower hit the table, my mouth started to water – jumbo shrimp, oysters, tuna tartar, a lump of crab cocktail meat, two lobster tails, and a set of lobster claws. At that same moment, three of the guys I was sitting with announced they don’t eat seafood, so myself and the guy who caught the touchdown pass with the fresh head wound took on the task of finishing this tower by ourselves. We almost accomplished it. We ate all the lobster, the crab, the tartar, most of the shrimp, and most of the oysters. Finally the other 5 noticed it was just two of us eating this and forced us to give up the rest of our shrimp and oysters.

After the meal, we ended up drinking a bottle of Fireball cinnamon whiskey and a case of beers while listening to music by a firepit until 4 am. I tried to go to sleep not long after that, but my body was not ready and I didn’t actually succumb to sleep until about 7am. I was woke up a little before 11am that everyone was leaving and I had to too.

SUNDAY – I drove home. I laid face down on my couch for a hour. I laid face down on my bed for 2 more hours. I took a shower, got dressed, and went out to dinner for my mom’s birthday and my parents anniversary.

Climbing into bed last night, I was sore all over, and my body was so tired it couldn’t feel comfortable enough to sleep. I did get some sleep, but I really can’t wait until tonight to get some more sleep to try and even myself out.

Anyway… I had a great weekend. I ate way too much and drank a bunch.

What did you do?

Happy Thursday!

Yes.

Yes, you are reading the title of this post correctly. If you were around for Tuesday’s post, which should still be there if you want to reacquaint yourself with it or to even acquaint yourself with it for the first time, the post on this past Tuesday was about a fantastical world where our shining light of want Kristen Stewart was a lesbian. She-uh likey-uh the vagina, if you catch my drift. Specifically, Charlize Theron’s no doubt flawless vagina. I imagine Charlize Theron’s vagina to be every bit as chic and dignified as the woman herself. Sometimes you get a sixth sense, you’re like, “I bet that guy has the weirdest balls. Like Naked Lunch weird.” Other times, you can stare at a person for hours and just wonder to yourself, “I bet she has a tuft of fine black hair symmetrically shaved to look like a landing strip right to the top of her pussy. Hmmm… Oh I’m sorry, were you talking to me. I was completely caught in thought about Ms. Nickels the pre-school teacher. Was I talking out loud? Sometimes I do. I was? Oh, so you heard the bit about how I was imagining how she groomed her pubic hair right above her vagina? Well… do you agree? I mean, now that it is in the open, let’s just talk about it. I’m thinking she’s kind of a closet freak.” That’s just how we all think. Every single one of us. Just imagining what each others privates look like. Like does that guy have sloppy looking junk like he needs to design a work out to target the tightness of the skin around his junk or is it actually a diamond in the rough and is a well-crafted set of genitals that should be cast in plaster and used as the mold for anatomically correct dildos. We all do think that way, am I right?

What was I talking about?

Right, what if Rob Pattinson was a big homo who loved penis?

I thought it would only be sexist of me to imagine Kristen Stewart as a lesbian and not imagine Rob Pattinson as a male equivalent of a lesbian. Why isn’t there a male lesbian word? He’s gay. Well, she’s gay too. She’s also a lesbian. And he’s a … a gay again. That’s sexist! Dudes, should have a lesbo word. Anyway, I am a 21st century male who amazingly enough lives in the 21st century and I believe it is my duty to imagine Rob as a man, a man who enjoys other men inside him or him inside other men or at the same time they’re just 69ing or something and then another dude is filming it while wearing aHe-Man-like set of furry underwear. He-Man’s balls must’ve been the sweatiest! He’s wearing no clothes except for a fur Speedo. Doesn’t really make sense considering he is going into battle with aliens and such who wield laser weapons and swords – he might want more than the chinchilla banana hammock.

Without further ado, Rob Pattinson and Ann Curry in IF Rob Pattinson was gay…

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Robert Pattinson (RP): And I told him, ‘what is good for the goose, is good for the gander’. And by that, I meant my butt.

Ann Curry (AC): What a wildly inappropriate story. Especially for network morning television. Why did you even tell me any of that? I believe I asked you, ‘how have you been?’

RP: Right. Well, that’s one of the things I’ve been up to – sex with men – and I’m feeling absolutely brilliant about it. I’ve decided to really embrace what it’s like to be an actor and with that I mean have sexual relations with other men when I’m not filming a scene or doing interviews. But every free moment I have it’s just dong city or rather dong country at this point.

AC: I’m not sure I’m following this line of candid talk, but how does having a sexual encounter-

RP: Dozens. Dozens of sexual encounters. I haven’t crossed into triple digits – yet. I’m only human afterall. I need to sleep, recharge the batteries, and such. I’ve also noticed I have a particular type of guy that I like to have sex with and he’s well-spoken, sort of dignified, kind of a stereotypical East coas-

AC: But how does this make you more of an actor?

RP: Oh, well, they’re all doing it. Almost every time the director yells cut it basically turns into a genitalia free-for-all. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve seen a boom mic operator pull out his own boom mic in anticipation for the in between take orgy too soon and ruin a great shot. Before, I was like, ‘oh, I’ll only have sex with the girls. Or I’ll only have sex with the guys that I trust.’ Now, I’m really just letting loose and making up for lost time. I’ve probably turned down having anal sex with a man almost 200 times since the first Twilight and it’s thoughts like that that keep me up at night.

AC: So, are you coming out of the closet and revealing to the world that you’re ‘a gay’?

RP: For now, yes. It’s like I’m going through a cock only cleanse. I’ve denied myself it for too long and now it’s all I’m going to take in… literally.

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AC: You’re so naughty. I could just slap you. Do you like being slapped?

RP: I am British, we all like being slapped.

AC: If I just give you a little slap, just whack and not WHACK, would that get you excited?

RP: I’m already pretty excited. All this talk about me having intercourse with men is causing the boner factory to work overtime.

AC: To be honest, I’m getting pretty hot listening to you talk about it myself. I’m imagining everything you’re saying and it’s like the real life fan fiction that I read. Have you heard of ‘slash’?

RP: I have. I’m living it. It’s what the fans want and I live for the fans. So, I’m basically just in stop spanking and cock grabbing mode from the moment I wake-up to the moment I go to sleep. I do stop for tea. That’s the least I can do.

AC: Are you still attracted to women?

RP: They’re attractive, yes. But I’m not attracted to them necessarily with my rigid and possibly uncircumcised penis.

AC: Ok, well – hear me out for a moment…

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AC: I’m quick. Bam! Did you see me pop up like that? I’m sleek and have fast movements. I’m like a well-manicured ocelot who is all wet from this talk of you grinding genitals with other men. I’m ready to attack you. Pounce.

RP: It is rather enticing, but I still like the dong.

AC: Are you sure? I can run a sub 7 minute mile.

RP: That’s impressive.

AC: I have stamina too. Also, I release a pheromone that’s scent is of vanilla. Vanilla with a caramel swirl.

RP: That does sound appetizing.

AC: And when I’m riding a man reverse cowgirl, I elicit-

RP: Ann, my dear sweet Ann, my stubbly beard is only here to tickle the inner thighs of hard working men who would like to relax in a hotel of my choosing and take a whiskey night cap prior to intense butt banging.

AC: You’re right. That was selfish of me.

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AC: Let’s get back to the interview that has seemed to derail slightly with your graphic talk of man-on-man sex and me glibly throwing myself at you to use and abuse with your penis, and this will all most likely cost me my job, but while you’re here I have to be a professional and ask the questions my assistant wrote on these notecards.

RP: Shoot.

AC: Robert, you have been linked to an actress, she plays the heroine of the Twilight movies, Kristen Stewart.

RP: Yes.

AC: There have been reports…

RP: I think I know what you’re going to ask.

AC: Reports that suggest Kristen Stewart wants IT.

RP: I knew it.

AC: Robbie, does she? Robbles, does Kristen Stewart want IT?

RP: … … … *deep breath* … … *watery eyes* … … … She does.

AC: YES! I KNEW IT!

RP: The reports are very true. Kristen Stewart does in-fact want IT and she wants IT all the time.

AC: It is so comforting to hear you confirm what we’ve all hoped to hear.

RP: It’s beautiful actually. It’s nice to get it off my chest as well. I feel a weight has been lifted. A burden undone. Kristen Stewart wants IT.

AC: The follow-up question, do you want IT?

RP: Does it look like I want IT?

AC: Right now, no. Can you want IT? Can you want IT like Kristen Stewart?

RP: Can you show me? Ms. feline temptress Ann Curry, can you show me the want and I will try to reciprocate? Show me your want!

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RP: Oh my God, that is good. I feel like I need to shield my eyes with my hands because you’re wanting IT so much.

AC: I am secretly quite the Queen of Kink and it’s easy for me to want you right now with all your talk of being naughty with other boys. Feel my want, EDWARD! FEEL IT!

RP: I’m Rob, not Edward.

AC: Right, exactly. Now, you try.

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RP: How’s that?

AC: You look constipated. Worried maybe. Worried about your constipation. That’s it. The last one.

RP: That’s not wanting IT? But I want to poop, right?

AC: It’s not the same. You don’t look like you want to poop, you look like you’re worried you may need to eat prunes because you can’t poop and then when you do poop it will be all runny.

RP: Oh.

AC: Try again.

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AC: Afraid. A little excited. Like a rabbit. Or a Meer kat.

RP: I’m excited because I want IT? I’m a little afraid because that’s how bad I want IT?

AC: No. You look like a small snotty nosed child who has had his favorite toy taken from him by the town bully and you’re scared he is going to break it.

RP: Not wanting IT then.

AC: Try to imagine what you want and then want IT and project it onto me.

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AC: Got it! You want IT!

RP: Yes! I’m doing IT. I want IT.

AC: I’m feeling a quiver in every area of my body that can quiver. It’s like I’m on a giant waterslide that is vibrating. Oh, I feel 20 years old all over again! I’m bursting with hormones like a school teacher who has sex with her high school students!

RP: I want IT.

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AC: Rob? Robbie? Robert? You’ve kind of trailed off for a moment. I need your eyes back on me. What are you thinking about?

RP: Dong.

AC: Really?

RP: Like a big one. Like one that is taller than me. We could go on a picnic together and feed me caramel apples.

AC: Rob, I do have one last favor to ask of you.

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AC: This is for my Facebook. All those intern bitches will be jealous forever for this.

RP: Probably.

AC: Thank you, again, Robert. Is there anything else you would like to cover?

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RP: Pfffttt Pffffttt this what it looks like. I cup the balls, stroke the shaft. It’s like when a person in a movie shoots a gun with a silencer on it. That’s what I picture in my head what it sounds like when it shoots out. Pfffttt! Pfffttt!

AC: Truly wonderful. Memorizing. Easily, the most memorable interview I’ve ever given.

RP: Cheers.

– end scene –

That’s how we play – “craziest thing you will read all day!

I won’t be posting tomorrow, so please take this gloriousness with you through the weekend.

I hope you have a great Friday.

I hope you have a great weekend.

I hope to see you on Monday.

Cheers.

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