Happy Thursday!

It’s Thursday, right? Generally speaking, my “calendar” is what I’m watching on TV on any given night and with nothing on TV except the NBA playoffs, I’m kind of losing track of which day is which day. But I’m pretty sure today is Thursday.

Speaking of the NBA playoffs, if you work in an office or simply want to impress a bartender or a grocery clerk or whoever you would like to make think you know about basketball and in return they’ll want to put their mouth on where you pee out of, tell that person that “love him or hate him _______ _______ played his dick off.” And substitute the ____ ____ for Rajon Rondo, Dwyane Wade, Lebron James, Tim Duncan, Kevin Durant. TRUST ME! THIS WILL WORK!

Why will it work? First off, you don’t even have to know who won the game. Secondly, those men guaranteed did play their dick off in their last game and people respect that. Thirdly, there are a lot of dickless men resulting from these NBA playoffs because each and every game there are dudes playing their dicks off. DICKS OFF! Clean off the fucking body. DICKLESS! Last night, Lebron James and Rajon Rondo specifically played their dicks and most likely their nuts off. I imagine today has been spent having their entire set of genitals reattached.

Enough about you… selfish… let’s talk about Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron in Interview magazine…

 

WHAT?!

THIS IS WHAT A VAMPIRE MOVIE LOOKS LIKE!!!!

I watched two Twilight films and at no point was I like “this is a vampire movie”. No. Never. What did go through my head was, “why are these Dawson’s Creek wannabe fuck nuts running through the God damn woods so much? You’re going to get bitten by a tick and get Lyme disease and doctor’s are going to mistreat it for the rest of your life because you’re never going to fess up and tell them you spend every waking minute running around a fucking forest like a damn lunatic and then you’ll end up in a hospital one day dying of what the doctors think is some unclassified illness and you better pray to God that motherfucking House shows up to save your ass.” That’s what I was thinking. I was also thinking why a movie about vampires had the same production budget and character design as an average episode of Drake & Josh. But who am I to argue with the genius that is the blandness of Twilight.

But, if one were to make a vampire movie… like per say… BLADE… which is easily the best live-action vampire movie ever made… then it would look something like this…

That’s what a vampire looks like!

Vampires don’t look like they shop at Old Navy and drive sensible automobiles… or GO TO HIGH SCHOOL WHEN THEY’RE A HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS OLD! … Vampires dress like they have super powers and spend an equal amount of time listening to Cradle of Filth and reading fashion magazines that only exist in hair salons.

That looks normal.

As the title suggests, this photoshoot reminds me of the rom-com “Heartbreakers” starring Sigourney Weaver and Jennifer Love Hewitt… except this time they’re also VAMPIRES. I would watch this movie.

Before I continue talking about “Heartbreakers”, never fuck a person who seriously uses the term “rom-com” in daily life more than once. I guess a person could have an uncontrolled verbal spasm and say “rom-com”, but if it happens twice then don’t let them into your underwear… EVER. I don’t care how much money they have. We need to police our own and that’s the first thing we can do. Also, never help someone wearing a buckethat ejaculate. Never do that. If you stopped helping them splooge then we would be rid of buckethats by now. Lastly, if a guy is single and he is wearing Crocs and you let him cum inside of you, you’ll have a dumb kid who smells. That’s science!

What was I talking about?

Technically, Charlize is old enough to have had Kristen Stewart as an offspring. Charlize would’ve been 15 years old, but Charlize is African, so… stereotypes aside… errr… uhhhh… I’m kidding!

Either way, this is movie magic! Sean Connery played Harrison Ford’s dad in Indiana Jones 3 and they’re both so fucking old they probably fart dust. So, instead of worrying about ages lets talk about Heartbreakers 2: Vampire Boogaloo.

I enjoyed “Heartbreakers”.

It’s got a great cast of Weaver, Hewitt, Jason Lee, Gene Hackman, and Ray Liotta. Even Sarah Silverman and Zach Galifianakis are in it. Anyway, it’s good for what it was. I bought that Weaver and Hewitt were a hot mom and hot daughter combo tandem who went around conning horny dudes out of money. It was good flick.

Now, Charlize would easily be a hot mom and Kristen would easily be a hot daughter and when you add in that they’re VAMPIRES then the age discrepancy thing becomes null and void because vampires can be any age. Charlize is 50 or 150 or 650 years old. Who cares? Same goes for Kristen. Sexy mama vampire could be 450 years old and piece of ass daughter vampire could be 215 years old. Who cares. It works.

Now, all you need is to add a few guys for them to seduce… fuck that even. They can seduce women. Kristen seduces Leighton Meester or the entire cast of Springbreakers. Meanwhile, Charlize could seduce Angelina Jolie who turns out to be a conning vampire of her own.

Don’t even pretend like you wouldn’t see this movie. You would see it and you would enjoy it.

It could be real good.

There could be a fight scene in it where Charlize and Kristen get pissed at each other and do some wild vampire moves. Also, you could basically recreate the sex scene between Johnny Depp and Eva Green from Dark Shadows with Angelina Jolie and Charlize Theron and that would fucking rock.

I mean I’m just thinking things up off the top of my head, and I’m pretty satisfied with the results. Like Kristen Stewart posing as a college kid goes undercover to a frat party at some ivy league school where there are a bunch of kids who have rich parents that she is going to get shitty shitty drunk and take compromising photos of and blackmail them with them, but they don’t know that she’s a vampire and vampires don’t get affected by booze the way humans do or some such nonsense.

It would work.

It’s kind of unfair that Charlize is also a very talented actress. She’s drop dead gorgeous and excellent at what she does.

But I guess the rub on that is that Meryl Streep is still making movies and no matter what dumb shit movies she makes they give her all the awards for it.

Sorry Charlize.

You were great in “Young Adult”.

Fuck.

I watched the second half of “Welcome to the Rileys” last night. If you’re a fan of Kristen Stewart and you haven’t seen that movie then you’re a shitty fan. The movie itself is pretty good. Like I said, it’s kind of a TV movie and if HBO came out with the movie instead of any number of the garbage political movies they have made over the past few years then they would be a lot better off in my opinion. Gandolfini and Leo are good and quite understated in the movie. There’s not too much melodrama or WE’RE YELLING SO THAT MAKES THIS DRAMATIC drama. It’s pleasantly subdued and tells a small story that is well acted by the three leads.

As for Kristen, probably the best acting I’ve seen her do. “The Runaways” was good, but she’s not the best part of the movie or even the focus of the movie. That movie spends so much time on Dakota and secondly Michael Shannon. That’s fine and all, but it’s not much for Kristen to do and what they have her do is kind of meh. “Into the Wild” is good, but she’s in it for like 5 seconds and she’s good as the dejected jailbait that she is. Anyway… she’s good in this. She kind of acts in the movie more like she does in real life – all twitchy and randomly cursing.

Like I said, it’s a pretty small movie, but it’s a decent one and they do it well. I imagine the movie was shot on a $50 budget, so it’s done well.

Between this and “Panic Room” it’s probably the most natural acting I’ve seen Kristen do.

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

She also says “cooter” in the movie, so that’s reason enough to see it.

Things could be worse, Wednesday!

I wouldn’t say I’m HAPPY at the moment, but I’m about to show pictures of Kristen Stewart’s sideboob, so I really can’t complain about the wondrous life we all lead. Sure, I woke up to the noise of a jackhammer this morning, went to sleep at 3am because that’s the regular nowadays, almost had a panic attack last night, nearly choked to death laughing at Workaholics, and who knows what else. First world problems, I suppose. But let’s talk about sideboobs.

Sideboobs make everything better for everyone and it’s the cure all that we all collectively need as a people.

FUCK YEAH!

What the fuck pussy nonsense was I rambling about before? Oh I stubbed my toe and sometimes my dog doesn’t lick my face when I ask it too… WHAT A LAME-O!

EYES ON THE FUCKING PRIZE, MY FRIEND (ME)! THAT’S KRISTEN STEWART’S SIDEBOOB SAYING…

GOD BLESS THE U.S. OF TITT-TAY!

AM I FUCKING RIGHT?!

WOOOOO!!!!

Feeling good. Feeling better.

That was an unexpected treat from Cannes Film Festival which is I believe a month to 6 months or could possibly be a year long celebration every year because there are 1 BILLION pictures that are on the internet from this week alone at Cannes.

What is Cannes Film Festival?

It’s really an elaborate circle-jerk for greasy Europeans. They’re greasy because they’re covered in Sun tan lotion and only wearing banana hammocks if anything at all on the beaches. It at one time was a film festival I suppose, but at least since the dawn of the internet paparazzi pages, Cannes is a week long fashion show for celebrities who appear to change outfits every 3 hours and group themselves for potential 900 pictures photo ops.

Also, it is the perfect week for people who are not of the same “caliber” of celebrity for them to literally whore themselves around and get a gazillion pictures of themselves. The traveling circus of photographers who need to capture every single strand of Jessica Chastain’s hair on celluloid as she pitches a movie shot 3 years ago and no one will ever see, they will also be happy to take pictures of nude models like Kelly Brook strutting around in sheer bikinis and twirling for the cameras on an hourly schedule as if she was the fountain’s water dance at the Bellagio. It’s incredible.

The movies? The movies are completely hit or miss. Nothing that is popular at Cannes or is disliked at Cannes means anything in the long run because they have liked horrible movies and they have disliked great movies. It’s unimportant. The PG prostitution is what matters most. Does anyone really care what drunk, date-rapist, relics of the European film community really care about American movies made by their ex-patriots? I don’t. You shouldn’t.

But… we got this though…

GOOD LORD.

This is a much more acceptable outfit for the movie Twilight – before and after Kristen being a vampire. After Edward waited 100 plus years to have sex with a lady, the “lady” he first wanted to have sex with was a frumpy outcast piece of jailbait in his science class. REALLY? It took you 100 years for your own natural viagra to kick in and what got you going was your lab partner who apparently can blend into wallpaper? That’s disconcerting. But if Bella or Kristen Stewart was strutting around that back woodsy vampire town dressed in this sideboob special with the devil red gown attached then I would understand why the virgin sparklepeen was now looking for action.

I was so compelled by these pictures of Kristen Stewart allowing not only her face, but her body to want IT that I watched the first half of the movie “Welcome to the Rileys” last night.

Yep.

First and foremost, it’s pretty good so far. It’s more or less a Lifetime movie at this point, but it’s pretty good.

The storyline is sort of interesting with James Gandolfini and Melissa Leo being in a marriage that is slowly in freefall. Gandolfini has been having an affair with a waitress for the past 4 years and suddenly she dies. Gandolfini is broken and goes on a business trip to New Orleans where he finds himself wondering away from his business group and ends up at a shady strip club where Kristen Stewart works. Stewart offers Gandolfini all sorts of HJs, BJs, ZJs and instead of taking any of them Gandolfini decides he’ll start taking care of Stewart as if she is the living embodiment of his daughter who probably died in a car crash years earlier. Oh yeah, it seems like Gandolfini and Leo had a daughter and she’s dead, but they haven’t said exactly why or how, but she’s dead and their marriage is probably so shitty because of that. Leo has become agoraphobic over it and Gandolfini is now paying Stewart’s rent and fixing her apartment and trying to teach her how to properly live her life and she’s kind of clueless as to why this man is doing this. When I stopped watching, Leo has forced herself out of the house for the first time in what must be years to try and track down Gandolfini in NOLA. Meanwhile, it appears that Gandolfini and Stewart will get into an argument in a matter of moments probably about what Gandolfini’s motivation is.

The two best things in the movie are easily the amount of Kristen Stewart butt you see. You get to see a good amount of it. She’s always partially clothed, but her butt seems to have a lot of free reign and enjoys a breeze or two on it.

The second best thing is Kristen Stewart’s potty mouth. This chick is swearing up a blue streak and talking dirty sex no matter the question or circumstance.

Yeah! You! You with the cleavage all of a sudden for the first time ever… you’ve got a potty mouth.

Look at some of the dialogue they have this lady spewing…

“I came here with this guy and he kept trying to stick it in my fucking ass and I was like yo, pencil dick back the fuck up and he wouldn’t! I went to piss and I came back out and my wallet’s sitting on the bed and all my shit is everywhere and his car’s gone and all I’ve got is fucking shoes and like, I’m out 900 bucks!”

Jeebus, Stewart! You kiss Rob Pattinson with that mouth?

Probably the best line is this one…

“Like hello! Like I have private parts.”

That you do, K-Stew. That you do.

And while we’re on the subject of dialogue… who the fuck is writing this nonsense?

It’s pretty good as mentioned. I’m guessing everything goes a little haywire whenever Melissa Leo shows up and probably all the Gandolfini shenanigans is explained to Stewart and why he’s treating her like his daughter all of a sudden instead of being treated like a hooker like she’s used to and for whatever reason slightly prefers.

But damn it, Stewart looks good in this dress…

What’s the sexiness level at? Yeah?

You want me to take it up a notch with this dillhole?

BOOM!

Hand on the hip, pop that ass out a little more, expose a little more sideboob…

Hell of a way to make a living.

Either way, I hope it doesn’t sound like I don’t love the undoubtedly out of touch creeps who run Cannes Film Festival because if it weren’t for them then there would be no Kristen Stewart sideboob, no Kelly Brook in sheer bikinis… well there would be, but not 5 galleries in one week… and no way of knowing which indie films to judge more critically because a bunch of French perverts were fans of it.

God bless Sideboob…

God bless Film…

God bless everyone…

Happy Tuesday!

We have survived the weekend together! We are still here and we’re hustling and bustling and awake… that’s the most important thing. We awoke.

As we are awake, let’s talk a couple things…

The first being Wes Anderson’s newest epic…

MOONRISE KINGDOM

It was excellent as always.

Wes has yet to make a movie that I wouldn’t describe as anything less than excellent. I love all of his work. His movies are punctuated in every frame and every word uttered and every look given and every musical note played by Wes. It is very specific to that man. I could see a person who doesn’t like his movies never liking his movies and that horribly out of touch person I pity. I think it would be a sad life not being on the winning team of loving Wes’ works.

As for Moonrise Kingdom, it’s a great subtle adventure movie about a young boy and girl who feel like social outcasts who run away together into woods. The parents of the girl, the cub scout master of the boy, the local police sheriff, social services, a rival scout troop, all the cub scouts you can imagine and a dog named Snoopy are put in charge of finding these two innocent lovebirds as the forage a new life for themselves in the wilderness. I wouldn’t say this movie is for kids even though there are a lot of kids in it. I think the movie is for adults. The characters are generally a mix of grown-ups interacting with children and vice versa and neither appears to have evolved too much emotionally or intelligently past the other.

Funny, screwy, bits of honesty, and you leave the theater satisfied or at least Wes fans will.

One thing though I kept noticing that was throwing me off was that the kids reminded me of Harry Potter so much…

This is our main character Sam. He has the glasses like Harry Potter, is an orphan, an outcast, and getting into trouble.

This is Suzy. She is our Hermione. She kind of looks like Emma Watson to begin with. She comes from a family, but she is unique to them and also gets into trouble and has no friends and is looking for something more. Also, she acts a lot more grown-up than she is.

The two of them run away together because at first they both recognize they need to get away and secondly they realize they love each other.

Are you telling me, there isn’t some Harry Potter fan-fiction out there about Harry and Hermione running away together? There has got to be at least a couple of those. Now, I know fan-fiction tends to bend the reality of the original story by a lot by having vampires now as office workers or ninjas now as doctors or what have you, so how far off is it that Harry Potter could be a cub scout and Hermione could just be the cute/nutso chick on the same island.

That’s another thing! They live on an island called New Penzance that is in New England. I’ve heard of another island and it’s called ENGLAND that is in ENGLAND which is where the Potter et al were. So, instead of wizards and British accents. Cub scouts and white collar fishing towns.

It’s hard to tell here, but the kid with the white shirt and the red cross on it standing behind Ed Norton… that kid is the jealous Ron Weasley.

In Harry Potter, Ron gets to put it to Hermione and in this fan-fiction rewrite Ron is actually the psychopath lead scouts who wants to stop Harry and Hermione by any means necessary. The rest of the scouts could be any assortment of Hogwarts kids who take orders early on and then grow a back bone later.

The rest of the people? Well, I guess Ed Norton could be one of the Hogwarts teachers and Bruce Willis is Dumbledore who is straight in this movie as opposed to the raging queen he is in the Harry Potter movies. Social Services is a female Voldemort. I think you can really just fill in the blanks of who you want where. It is fan-fiction afterall.

The main point is that the raccoon hat wearing, four eyes having kid is Harry Potter and he ends up with the European dressed Hermione.

So there’s that…

Lastly…

The UFC fights were great. Tons of stoppages. Three fights went to decision and the rest ended and ended quickly. The five fights on the main card went something like this: 1st round submission, 2nd round TKO, 1st round KO, 1st round TKO, 2nd round TKO. I believe that was the order of events, so it was a fun and quick pay per view. The undercard hosted the three decisions as well as a few KOs and submissions. It was an interesting night of fights of dudes just going after it. A lot of highlight reel material.

Basketball… well… the 76ers lost. And the Spurs won. And the Heat just won. I’m pretty comfortable with all of that because that’s what I expected to happen. I think the Spurs will continue to win and make the finals and same goes for the Heat. I don’t think either team will sweep, but they’ll get there.

Game of Thrones did a great job handling the Blackwater battle. Sure there were things missing as there always will be, but it was another good episode and what they did keep they did well. Another great episode for Cersei and Tyrion. Next week’s should be interesting as they will wrap up the storylines for basically everyone else. Or wrap them up for this season. Nothing ever concludes definitely in this book series.

Girls and Veep had strong episodes like always. A lot of growing experiences for all the characters in Girls. For Veep, I’m thoroughly into this show. I can’t wait to see each episode and how it evolves next.

Outside of that, I hope you all had a great Memorial Day Weekend and I would love to hear about them or your thoughts about life or any Harry Potter fan-fiction that is inappropriately sexually charged that you’re working on or whatever else you have rolling around in that brain of yours.

Yes, what the above says.

I don’t have a whole helluva lot to say today besides the above.

I won’t be posting Monday. I hope you won’t be available to read Monday either. I hope you’re having so much fun doing whatever it is that you’re doing on Memorial Day weekend that you’re still getting shitty happy drunk on that day or something else equally as delightful and you’re like FUCK COMPUTERS! Just for a minute or an afternoon you think that. Then you come back to your senses after the tequila or Chivas or Bud lights wear off. Because computers are actually the best things ever! But I hope you have a great weekend.

If you are near a computer on Monday or today, I mean in all honesty if you find yourself re-reading all hilarious and insightful posts of mine I won’t be angry. I’ll be completely cool with that. That’s about the only thing on the internet I’ll be cool with you doing if you’re doing anything on Monday involving a computer and blogs. I’m just saying, re-reading old posts of mine to relive the magic is not off the table and realistically is always ok to do in my opinion.

Outside of that…

I will be watching UFC 146 this weekend, which should be incredible. FIVE heavyweight fights! The only difference between what that youtube shows and what will happen in reality is sadly the “Super Samoan” is injured, but filling in for him is “Big” Lavar Johnson who is 6’3″ or so and 250 pounds with a ridiculous 82″ reach and the power of a 1000 elephants. So, that should still be amazing.

Also…

In movie news, I did see some changes to the line-up of movies in June, which I’ll probably address next week. The main difference is that G.I. Joe Retaliation will now be post-poned to next March. That’s quite a difference. They say it’s because they want to convert the movie to 3D. That’s true. But what is also true is they’re doing re-shoots. Why? The movie has to be garbage. I hope in the re-shoots they edit out Bruce Willis and focus entirely on THE ROCK and NINJAS. Also, it would be nice if they could have a couple of lesbian kissing scenes between the chick from Friday Night Lights and the female ninja chick.

As one movie exits, another enters… Ted will be taking the G.I. Joe June release date. Yes, Ted. Have you seen the trailers for Ted? It looks worse than AIDS. Yes. I’d rather watch someone die of AIDS using time-elapsed photography than watch Ted. Who in the fuck thinks Ted is funny? I read someone online say they went and saw The Dictator and Ted’s trailer played and no one laughed. I had a somewhat similar experience except one group of people laughed and they looked to be Freshman or so in college boys. Then I saw another person online said that they saw American Reunion in the theaters and Ted’s trailer played and it killed. Yep. That about sums up the movie Ted. If you’re brain isn’t finished forming properly and you’ll laugh at anything involving curse words then you’re the right demographic for Ted.

I read an interview with Rob Pattinson about making Cosmopolis. Apparently, there was a good chance we were going to Rob’s balls in the movie. We won’t be seeing Rob’s balls anymore. Which makes me wonder if we’re not seeing balls at all or are we going to see stunt balls? Someone else’s balls instead of Rob’s? I’m glad that I know about this. Cosmopolis sounds/looks interesting and it would have been a great shock to have seen Rob’s balls in the movie. Now that I know that was on the table, I kind of think he should’ve done it and showed his balls. Seriously, it’s just your balls? Who can really be self-conscious about their balls? Maybe he’s got weird looking balls. Balls.

I also saw this today which I think is crazy applicable for this upcoming weekend…

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

It makes me want to see Expendables 2. I didn’t like the first, but I saw it and I doubt I’ll stay away from the second one. It’s got Van Damme in it and I think he’s the bad guy. Has to be great!

I guess fuck Chuck Norris though. He’s the reason the movie is PG-13 apparently. Asshole.

Lastly, Michelle Williams and Sarah Silverman and another chick who I have never heard of before do a full frontal shower scene in the upcoming movie Take This Waltz. If you go to a certain website that rhymes with “schm-egotastic” you can see the nekkidness right fucking now. Wunderbar!

Nothing better than a weekend full of cagefights and naked women.

I hope you enjoy the fuck out of your weekend.

I’ll talk to you Tuesday.

Una dia de feliz para hoy cual es jueves!

Welcome, internet travelers!

I have noticed a marked uptick in site traffic starting yesterday. Sure, I think a lot of people are out there scouring these webz of inter to read my previews for June’s movies, but there seems to be a reinvigorated blood lust of viewing pleasure for one article I wrote in particular and that in particular was from almost a year ago…

https://kristenstewartwantsit.wordpress.com/2011/07/13/kristen-stewart-starring-in-the-sisterhood-of-the-tightest-pants-ever/

You may remember a paparazzi taken photo shoot of the Wantess running to what seemingly was a post-office to get her passport or something. In these glorious photographs K-Stew was wearing a black Phillies’ t-shirt, which is in stark contrast in fandom wise for the Orioles or the Dodgers or whatever other baseball teams she randomly wears paraphernalia of, and a pair of THE SKINNIEST JEANS TO EVER SKINNY!

I wondered why this was happening that a lot of people were suddenly clicking on that article. First, it is a good article. I think I have some rather whimsical lines in that article. If you don’t remember it then take a look yourself. It’s pretty pretty pretty pretty funny. Although, I am happy people are clicking on the old article and hopefully getting a chuckle or two as well as an eyeful a plenty of Stewart in the tightest pants of all time… what I begun to realize is that people were looking for Kristen Stewart in “pants”… just not those pants…

THESE PANTS!

They wanted to see Kristen Stewart in THESE PANTS!

Ahhhh… I get it, internet. I get it.

Yes, the Empress of Wanting IT has been strutting around the Cannes Film Festival in these PANTS(!).

You really have to admire Kristen for her dedication to fashion and to promoting the movie On The Road.

I mean Kristen Stewart actually went out and stole Gloria Estefan’s pants and wore them all around Europa as a sign of her thievery. Kristen Stewart is a pants pirate! She broke into the Latin singer/songwriters abode or adobe or condo or whatever and stole the glitziest pair of splatter art pants she could find before the attack chihuahuas got her.

You rascal, Stew.

Guy – Those are wonderful pants!

Kristen Stewart – I know. Thank you. I wanted them.

Guy – I didn’t know that Jackson Pollack made women’s pants. Or at the very least unisexual skinny jeans. Or pants for a tall and slender child.

Kristen Stewart – They’re not Jackson Pollack. They’re from the Gloria Estefan collection…

Guy – The Gloria Estefan collection?

Kristen Stewart – Her closet. Gloria Estefan’s collection of pants from her closet and these were from her 1993 world tour supporting the release of her album Mi Tierra, which in English translates to “My Tierra”. One of the better tours.

Guy – Hunh?

Deal with it, Estefan!

You’ve been Stewart-ed, Kristen Stewart-ed!

*Mumbling from the guy in the blue suit* (He looks like a mumbler. Tell me he doesn’t look like a mumbler!)

Kristen Stewart – Que? What? I can’t understand anything you’re saying because when I wear these pants all I can hear is Gloria Estefan’s magical tune “Reach” which was off her platinum selling album Destiny and was also the official theme of the 1996 Atlanta Summer Olympics.

Kristen hums a few bars of “Reach”.

Kristen Stewart – Also, you look like a dildo in that suit. And I don’t listen to dildos.

STEWART-ED!

KRISTEN STEWART-ED!

Ya big dildo!

TURN THE BEAT AROUND!

LOVE TO HEAR PERCUSSION!

TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN!

LOVE TO HEAR PERCUSSION!

LOVE TO HEAR IT!

LOVE TO HEAR IT!

LOVE TO HEAR IT!

LOVE TO HEAR IT!

LOVE TO HEAR IT!

LOVE TO HEAR IT!

LOVE TO HEAR IT!

TURN IT UP, TURN IT UP, TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN!

TURN IT UP, TURN IT UP, TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN!

TURN IT UP, TURN IT UP, TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN!

TURN IT UP, TURN IT UP, TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN!

TURN IT UP, TURN IT UP, TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN!

Motherfuc-adslkfj-er!

I bit my lip! I hate when I do that. I was just carelessly singing away and bit the inside of lip.

Now, it will never heal because I’ll subconsciously draw my teeth to bite it again and at the same time I won’t be able to stop licking it.

Damn you, Estefan! Now, I’m really glad I stole your pants!

Hmmmm… what else is there to do around here besides sing 90’s Gloria Estefan hits?

Where did Kirsten Dunst run off to?

Kirsten Dunst?

Where are you?

I want IT.

Where is that minx?

Hmmmm… Is she over this way?

Where is that Kristen with the Irsten?

Oh, there she is!

Right behind you. The sexy you who is reading this and staring directly into my WANTING IT eyes.

Yes, right behind you. Kirsten Dunst is literally right behind you.

Don’t believe me? Take a look for yourself.

Ahahaha… she’s not right behind you. I made you look though. I WANTED to make you look. So I could take a look at that sweet dumper you have. Yeah, that’s right. Dumper. It’s sweet. I want IT. And we have fun. We would have more fun if you would let me get my hands on that dumper of yours, but let’s go bag us a Kirsten Dunst first.

I’ll go walk over there and get her.

Dramatic hair throw.

Sun glasses engaged!

Stewart out!

Let’s walk guys.

Doo doo doo bee bee bee I’m walking through this splendid country.

Whoops.

Got sidetracked hunting Dunst. Signing some autographs for the fanzies.

Caught you looking at the ole’ Stewart Slammer back there. That’s what I call my dumper. The Stewart Slammer.

Stew Slam for short. Kind of sounds like a tennis tournament.

No, it’s cool. Take a picture, it will last… oh right you are taking a picture of my butt.

I’m having a great butt day in these Estefan pants. That woman knew what she was doing making these pants.

My butt feels like it is sitting on a throne of seemed leather and artistic glory.

I want IT for my whole body.

Do you want a mini fashion show… for the PANTS?!

Ok.

BAM!

The Stewart Slammer!

Sounds like my professional wrestling finishing move.

What what? In K-Stew’s butt butt?

BOOYAH!

Crotch shot of my, Kristen Stewart, crotch!

Technically, that could also be the Stewart Slammer. Once you’re in, you never get out. If you know what I mean.

And that is my ankle and foot.

I don’t think I have any clever names for them.

Maybe… the K-Stew… eh, whatever. It’s my fucking foot.

What was I doing again?

Right?! I was tracking a Dunst.

Hmmm… I see her. She’s right behind you again.

I want IT.

Kristen Stewart (KS) – Got you, bitch.

Kirsten Dunst (KD) – Hi, Kirsten Stewart. What did you say?

KS – It’s Kristen. I said… hmmm… nothing. I’m going to hold you pretty tight because that’s how I like it.

KD – You’re weird, Kirsten. Don’t my boobs look big today.

KS – They do and it’s Kristen.

KD – Kirsten, you have some silly pants on. Why do you wear such silly pants?

KS – I stole them. I stole them from Gloria Estefan because that’s what I do when I’m invited to other countries. I’m a wild child raised with a wolf. And it’s Kristen.

KD – You’re so tiny, Kirsten.

KS – Kristen…

KD – I could easily fit you in one of my many suitcases, Kirsten. We could travel together. You’re just so small that I think I could take you every where with me and no one would say a thing. How did you get this small, Kirsten?

KS – I want you to pronounce my name correctly. It’s Kristen.

KD – Kirsten, I’m not a big person. I am dwarfed by many of relatively average size. Did you see me in Spider-Man? I was a lot smaller than Tobey Maguire and no one has ever said, “Look at how huge Tobey Maguire is?!” So, you’re really quite tiny, Kirsten. It’s like you were made just for me to take around like a little doll and play with your hair and put you in dresses and have tea dates together and drink champagne and go to dances and fly all over the world and sometimes slum it at Coachella dressed as a homeless person. What do you think of that, my precious Kirsten?

KS – You’ve got a screw or two loose, Kirsten. But it’s Kristen and honestly a lot of what you said doesn’t sound too bad. Hmmmm… how long do we need to stand around here taking the same picture over and over again? I’m getting kind of bored.

KD – Me too, Kirsten.

KS – It’s Kristen. If you’re bored and I’m bored then let’s get my shades on and get out of here.

KD – Ok, Kirsten.

KS – We’re going to paint this town red.

KD – You’re so weird. Why would we ever do that, Kirsten?

KS – It’s Kristen, bitch. Let’s roll.

– end scene –

PANTS!

Happy Miercoles!

I woke up today to the sound of BUZZ SAWS! In my attempt to keep sleeping, my dream turned the BUZZ SAWS sound of BUZZ SAWING into the more pleasant sound of a VUVUZELA! Do you remember those? From 2010, the sound of a bee army coming out of a plastic trumpet? In my dream, I was chasing a man who had stolen something I suppose (not my heart) and he was running from me all the while going BAAAAAAAANNNNNHHHH!!!!! on his VUVUZELA! If you’re wondering, “did this work and you got to keep sleeping?” NO! NO IT DID NOT WORK. All it did was confuse the fuck out of me because I thought VUVUZELAS were being blown outside of my house instead of just some good ole’ BUZZ SAWS cutting wood for another fucking house being built.

Also, I woke up with the honor of having an enormous headache, so there’s that.

Let’s talk these fucking fucked the fuck up motherfucking fuck films of fucking June…

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER

My sixth sense tells me this movie will be unfortunately bad. I’ll see it though. How could I not?! The title alone is worthy of at least $8. There are a lot of shitty movies that come out with great titles,  but they’re not usually given the Hollywood treatment of having special effects budgets and good directors attached to the movie. The director of this movie is Timur Bekmambetov who directed the terrible movie Wanted, but did direct two really great movies in Night Watch and Day Watch. Maybe those Watch movies were flukes. Who knows, but I love those two movies and am willing to see this movie because it sounds like it could be amazing. I feel like it will be stupid. The trailers do not inspire a hell of a lot of confidence. For some reason, most of it looks like it is on the same production level as an episode of Buffy. TV is ok for TV, but a movie should look better than a TV show. Nothing in the trailer really has that pop that says this is a movie and not just a TV show that existed in the 90’s for teen programming. The acting also looks nothing special in the least and they’ve stayed pretty far away from showing any real acting in the trailers. So far the movie has – a great title, a decent premise, TV level action, and no acting. I’ve lowered my expectations dramatically for this movie, but I’ll see it.

Also, I blame Tim Burton for a lot of the problems indirectly. Timur’s two great movies happened before he met Tim Burton. And since he has produced a few movies with Timur that have sucked (n9ne or whatever that shit was) and I believe it is Burton’s shittiness rubbing off on Timur.

BRAVE

I’ll see it.

As mentioned, this movie looks oddly the same as the Snow White movie especially with the two coming out in the same month. So, Pixar gets into the princesses who kick ass business completely stealing Disneys schtick for the past 20 years. In this one, a bunch of ginger royals amidst extras from Braveheart will go on a search to fight an evil thingamajig as well as track down the ginger princess who has ridden off into the wilderness to fight and defeat said evil thingamajig. The greatest gender stereotype involved in this movie is that chicks love bow and arrows. Obviously, everyone remembers Katniss from The Hunger Games. But for years upon years, chicks have been doing it with bows. I don’t know if you know this ladies, but if there is a female character in some fantasy based videogame than there is a crazy high probability that she uses a bow and arrow as her weapon of choice. Basically what I’m getting at, all women have a natural proclivity towards archery and if you have not honed your own instinctual skills as a female bow & arrow master then you really are a disappointment to your sex. I’m just saying you’re a failure everyday that you’re not out there becoming the next Green Arrow or Hawkeye or whatever because I think it has to do with having a natural balance because you don’t have balls hanging about, you have a vagina that keeps that business compact and easier to balance your… … or maybe it’s because stretching a bow is a lot like stretching open a vagina… … or you’re really good at aiming and releasing long shafts (arrows aka penises) from your stretchy vagina (bow)… hmmm… whatever the case may be! I’m not a woman, so I don’t know why you’re so good at archery, but you are. Anyway, Brave is a Pixar movie and it looks pretty good.

Either way, the main chick’s younger siblings kind of look like Will Arnet and Amy Poehler’s kids.

SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD

It’s been a hot minute since I saw a movie with Keira Knightley in it. I’ll see this movie as well.

It looks quirky and funny and has a pretty high concept, but seems doable. I think Steve Carell is an all around good actor with the tears and the jokes and I remember what it’s like to watch Keira act. What I’m hoping for is that Keira and Steve don’t end up banging in this movie. It’s just a simple request. It looks like a good movie where they share their hopes and dreams and try to help each other because the world is ending and all that, but if at some point they’re sticking their genitals in each other then I’ll think this movie is a bit contrived. I don’t know why exactly, but I’ll feel that way. I feel like it might happen though. There’s long standing tradition with Steve in movies that he plays a character who has not put his erect dillywhacker inside any of the holes of a woman in a long while and before the 2 hours of this film is up we’re all rooting for him to do it and honestly it kind of freaks me out. It was ok once and maybe twice, but it’s kind of the focus of most of his movies. It’s creepy. I have seen Steve Carell in more sex scenes or scenes about him having sex than I have with any number of fucking hot as fuck actresses whose entire careers should be just that. So, I’m hoping this movie will not simply be about that the world is ending and he’s going to get his dilsnick stuck in Keira Knightley because of it.

It does look pretty funny though.

TO ROME WITH LOVE

Nerp.

Not seeing this most likely. I know, I know. Midnight in Paris was great, but that doesn’t mean this will be. Actually, the likelihood that Midnight in Paris would be as good as it was was almost next to nothing judging by Woody’s recent track record. Prior to Midnight in Paris, the last good Woody Allen movie in my opinion was probably Small Time Crooks from 2000, but the last GREAT Woody Allen film was from 1999 and that was Sweet and Lowdown. If you never saw Sweet and Lowdown then go see that movie. Especially go see that movie if you think you like Woody Allen and tell people as such because you saw Annie Hall, Match Point, and Midnight in Paris and that’s it. Woody comes out with a movie almost every year and most of them have sucked. It’s been a long while since he was on a streak of good movies. This movie looks more like one of the forgettable Woody Allen films than Midnight in Paris. Honestly, the best part of Midnight in Paris wasn’t Owen Wilson or any of the modern day stuff. The best part was the old timey stuff because it was a love letter to things that Woody loves. Those are usually Woody’s best movies are ones where he is paying tribute to something that inspired him. His storylines and plots have been take it or leave it and his use of most actors has been take it or leave it, but when he seems to be honoring something he truly cares about then it works out pretty well. To Rome with Love … it looks like a lot of shit he’s made. At the same time, I can’t speak for all of you. I didn’t like Vicky, Christina, Barcelona and not that this movie is going to be that, but there are people who did like that movie.

It’s got a great cast, but his movies always do. You see it if you want; I’ll be skeptical and probably not see it.

G.I. JOE RETALIATION

If anyone is going to rescue a movie franchise – it’s THE ROCK!

I don’t know how THE ROCK did it, but last year’s Fast and Furious movie FAST FIVE was incredible and I give all the credit to THE ROCK. I don’t know if it was just him being there on set making everyone on top of their game or if he was in the back helping edit the movie or giving direction off camera or if he physically threatened everyone with obscene violence to not fuck up another Fast and Furious movie… but it worked. I’m not saying that THE ROCK will make G.I. Joe Retaliation a good movie because it looks awful, but if anyone can make it a good movie it would be THE ROCK. The first G.I. Joe movie looks like one of the worst movies in the history of movies and this movie looks terrible in its own right, but I bet it’s better than the first. Why? THE ROCK! Also, because the director – Jon M. Chu – is both not Stephen Sommers (one of the worst directors of all time forever of all time) and he is the director of the Step Up movies and Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never. This Asian gentleman knows how to make a visually ridiculous and fun movie, so I have some faith in him. Why not? A guy who directs dance movies will now direct the G.I. Joe reboot? Honestly Hollywood, why the fuck not at this point? Throw THE ROCK in there for good measure. Can’t be worse than the first.

MAGIC MIKE

Yes. I will not see this movie, but YES.

This is exactly the movie that Channing Tatum should be making. He’s a male stripper. SOLD! Exactly. No need for a script or anything. Channing’s best work was in the Step Up movies anyway, so just escalate that to an R rating and have him as a male stripper. Makes all the fucking sense in the world to me. Who else? Matthew McConaughey and that British kid from the teen movies? Fuck yeah. Throw them in there too. It makes fucking sense. If none of them are going to get better as actors, but at the same time keep a tight 8 pack of abs then make them strippers. I get it. The only REAL problem is that this movie is directed by Steven Soderbergh which means IT WILL BE DIRECTED BY STEVEN SODERBERGH. For those not in the know, this movie will be awkward and slow with no reason for either. That’s what the guy does – awkward and slow whether it needs to be or not. I like Soderbergh’s ideas better than his deliveries. He’s made a few good ones in the mix, but they’re mostly bad with good intentions. I’ve never met Steven Soderbergh, but I get the feeling he is awkward and slow. Who knows? But that’s what his movies are. I expect that to be the same with this movie where Channing Tatum plays a male stripper. Channing himself is awkward and slow enough, but he’s got a muscled out body and he is a great dancer, so there’s that. I’m sure it will be a great movie for straight women and gay men who like to get wet in theaters.

PEOPLE LIKE US

Does this sound interesting to you?

A man (Chris Pine) is tasked with delivering $150,000 of his deceased father’s fortune to the sister (Elizabeth Banks) he has never met. She also has a kid. And Michelle Pfeiffer plays Pine’s mom and Olivia Wilde plays Pine’s girlfriend.

Do you want to see that movie? If your answer is yes then watch the trailer above because IT’S THE FUCKING MOVIE. That trailer shows you everything that happens in that movie in chronological order in a succinct music video highlight reel. I just saved you 2 hours and $10. If you don’t want to see that movie then don’t watch the trailer and forget any of this happened.

TAKE THIS WALTZ

Yes.

I’ll pretty much see any movie with Seth Rogen in it. Add onto that Sarah Silverman, Michelle Williams without a British accent, and that it’s all made by Sarah Polley and I’m going to ride this train into whatever tiny theater is playing it. It looks good. Michelle is married to Seth, but she starts to fall in love with the guy in the wife beater she’s riding a carnival ride with at the bottom of the poster. That’s the long and short of it. Knowing Sarah Polley and indie films, there probably won’t be a happy ending, which will be all Debbie Downer, but it should be good. Another decent looking June film if you can find it playing somewhere.

TYLER PERRY’S MADEA’S WITNESS PROTECTION

Go fuck yourself.

And that’s June movies!

Not that bad like I mentioned in the beginning of this journey. It looks a lot better than May did and as a whole it looks better than July. But… July has THE DARK KNIGHT RISES which will be the greatest movie since THE DARK KNIGHT which was the greatest movie since FIGHT CLUB which was the greatest movie since BERRY GORDY’S THE LAST DRAGON which was the greatest movie since THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY which was the greatest movie ever made. So, there’s that.

What you got?!

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