KSWI’s May Movie Month Mpreviews – Mpart Mone

May 1, 2012

Happy Tuesday to everyone still reading this blog!

Happy Tuesday to everyone not reading it, but let’s be honest it’s not an amount of happiness that deserves an exclamation point mark.

Today, oh yes today, I/we will discuss the movies that will enter theaters this month. As May is seemingly the beginning of the blockbuster Summer months for movies, it is somewhat shocking how few movies are actually coming out this month. I’m not sure if it is because the movie industry spent all their money on the two or three blockbusters that are coming out this month or maybe they know that whether or not these big budget movies are good they will still win the weekend, so why bother throwing other movies up against them or maybe it’s —–

BATMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHH!!!!! IT’S BATMAN!!!! GIVE ME BATMAN!!!!! I NEED BATMAN!!!! IWANTBATMAN!!!!!

OH THANK YOU GOD… Christopher Nolan… THANK YOU FOR THIS! THE MOVIES I’M ABOUT TO REVIEW ALL LOOK SO TERRIBLE AND THEY’RE SO SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD AND/OR BIG AND AWE INSPIRING AND THEY LOOK LIKE UTTER SHIT. AND ONE OF THEM IS YOUR BIG RIVAL AND IT’S FULL OF A MILLION SUPERHEROES FROM THAT OPPOSING COMIC BOOK COMPANY AND IT LOOKS SO STUPID. IT LOOKS SO INFERIOR TO LESSER MOVIES LET ALONE TO THE ALMIGHTY THAT YOU ARE MY LOVE, MY MASTER, MY CAPTAIN…. BATMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Literally, I’ve jizzed my pants. That movie looks fucking AMAZING! It’s coincidental on my part that this trailer came out today on the exact same day I was going to write my preconceived woes about The Avengers for the 100th. Also, before I continue, I have noticed that wordpress really has been fucking up a lot when I use italics. I will continue to use them because from my end they look right. Then afterward, I check the post later on in the day just to make sure it is there and such and I see that all the italics are screwy or not there or pressed up against the other words – THEY HAVE A MIND OF THEIR OWN. It’s not my doing. Sure I have plenty of typos in a typical post, but that’s because I’m half-awake, ranting, typing out one sentence while thinking of the next, and, lastly, I’ve given up on proof-reading. But I do notice it and it’s not my fault. Anyway…

Yes, The Dark Knight Rises looks fucking AMAZING. So fucking good. I was cool before with Bane being virtually un-understandable, but now we can understand him just fine, so that’s coolcoolcool. As for Catwoman, sexy and it looks like she plays a bigger role in this movie than any female in any Nolan film prior. That’s not too difficult to pull off because he rarely has women do anything in any of his movies, but it really does seem like Catwoman does a lot. As for Levitt, it looks like he plays quite a healthy role as well. A lot of people have been heavily speculating on what Levitt’s character does or especially what he eventually does in the movie. People have speculated to the point that he becomes the new Batman even. I hope that doesn’t happen and I doubt that happens, but I’m just informing you of what people are saying. Also, on top of that trailer, which showed Bane fucking people up every which way he can, Batman using crazy guns, the Bat plane, the Bat motorcycle, Catwoman karate kicking a dude, mayhem in the streets, big holes, Levitt looking confused, bridges blowing up, and so on and so forth… there is still Marion Cotillard!

YES!

I can’t wait for this movie. After I write this post, I’m going to rewatch that trailer again and again and eat something and again.

JULY 20th!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok… so let’s move on to the May movies that will be wildly disappointing especially in the never ending light of brilliance that shines until the end of days from Nolan’s Batman trilogy.

MARVEL’S THE AVENGERS

It’s Transformers with people. It’s Valentine’s Day for super heroes. It’s another fucking Marvel movie that looks terrible. I don’t get what the fuck… oh right, Joss Whedon is supposed to make this all better. Will he? My guess? No. Reason being, everything is against Joss in terms of this being good. First and foremost, THESE MOVIES ARE A FUCKING FORMULA!!!! Do people really not see how these movies all look the same? The only movie that was slightly different was Captain America and that was because it was a period piece of sorts and it was by far the best of these movies. What are we talking about? The Hulk movies both sucked, the Iron Man movies are not good and are overflowing with flaws and failed logic and were not well liked by the people that even made the movies, Thor was absolutely one of the worst movies I’ve ever sat through in a theater, and now we have this. Now, I did write a post all about how bad Thor was referencing exact moments from the movie like where a bunch of Mississippi talking rednecks who are in the South West mistake a hammer for a satellite and Thor overhears the conversation and understands immediately that a satellite is actually his hammer.

WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!

What movie was everyone else watching where that happened and they gave the movie an extremely positive review? That isn’t some crazy thing I made up. THAT IS LITERALLY IN THE FUCKING MOVIE AND PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT MOVIE WAS GOOD! THOSE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING CRAZY!!!! But I digress…

The other reason that this movie will not be good and it’s not entirely Joss’ fault – too many characters and too little time. The amount of time he would need would be feature length films for all of the characters and the feature length movies that have been made have all sucked minus Captain America so there’s that. I’ve read reviews that oddly enough the best character in this mix – Captain America! – is underused. It’s so fun going into a movie knowing the best character is possibly underused and they also decided to change his outfit for no reason and make him look like he’s wearing a Captain America costume and not that HE IS CAPTAIN AMERICA. Did Joss not watch that movie?! Anyway…

This movie doesn’t look good. I am doing you and me a service by LOWERING YOUR EXPECTATIONS. All the reviews out there for this movie are super high and guess what? THIS MOVIE LOOKS STUPID AS HELL. Did you know that part in the trailers of a nameless faceless horde of enemies being beaten up by Hulk, Captain, Thor and the like who you have zero emotional attachment to and have zero expectations that they’re going to win – that’s the fucking end action scene! It looks terrible and better yet – IT’S COMPLETELY RIPPING OFF TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON! No one should be ripping that movie off.

If you don’t believe me, go look up The Avengers on Comingsoon.net. There are I believe 7 or 8 clips from the movie already up there as well as trailers and such. Watch them. They look stupid. They look cheap. They look as bad as the other Marvel movies.

But… I get it. With all this being said, people genuinely for no good reason love those Marvel movies. Shitty characters, shitty endings, and even shittier tie ins with each other. But they like them and they’ll like this too. Why not? Me on the other hand, I’m hoping it is better than Thor. That’s what I say about everything. “I hope it’s better than Thor” or “It can’t be worse than Thor”. It’s not an “inside joke”, but between HeyyyBrother and I we must say that at least once a week. But the funny thing is, Thor is so bad that EVERYTHING is better than Thor and things that are completely terrible can still be better than Thor, so it never makes us want to watch those other things, but we still say it. Lockout? I’m guessing better than Thor. Wrath of the Titans? Better than Thor. Getting kicked in the testicles? Way better than Thor.

I know this movie isn’t Thor 2, but these movies are not too far off from each other. Honestly, the movie will be more inline with the Iron Man movies, but I don’t think those are good either.

Doesn’t matter. I’m seeing it. You’re seeing it. It’s already poised to break a million records. Why? Because no one cares if it is actually good. We all just want to see Hemsworth, Evans, RD Jr., Ruffles, Renner, and Johansson on screen together possibly with Samuel L. Jackson and the guy who plays Loki and see them interact … in the same fucking way that seeing Jessica Biel flirt with Jamie Foxx and Lea Michelle flirt with Ashton Kutcher is an enticing idea to some people out there.

LOL

You have to love a movie that the producers have lost complete faith in and have imploded their entire advertising campaign for it. I would not be surprised in the least if you told me that you have never heard or seen one screen shot from the movie LOL. At the same time, I have. The reason being, I troll the internet for movie news all day everyday because I have a sickness. One particular nugget of information about LOL was that the producers of the movie are crazy unhappy with the final product and are not marketing the movie anymore. I haven’t seen one TV spot or seen internet ads or anything for this movie. Better yet, it’s not getting a national release either. It’s getting a limited release as if the product of Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore is some indie flick that wouldn’t appeal to the dumbest demographics the nation over.

What is this movie about? Who cares. You’re not seeing it. You’re not. Don’t even pretend like you are. If you go out of your house to see Miley Cyrus in LOL then you are not reading this or even a functioning member of today’s society. You have gone off the deep end and have suffered an undiscovered trauma that will make you seek out a theater that is playing LOL.

Anyway, I just want to say something nice about Miley because obviously I haven’t said much about her in general and I imagine most of the stuff I have said was negative like this mini-preview of sorts for LOL. I still can’t get over how good Miley looked at The Hunger Games premiere. It was shocking. She looked amazing as that gypsy. If I ran a movie studio or had anything to do with actually making movies then right then and there I would have paid someone to write a script where all Miley Cyrus wears are outfits like that. I don’t care what it is. Possibly a remake of Joe Versus the Volcano or something and have her on the island in those outfits or maybe she actually is a gypsy and does magic tricks or whatever gypsys do. Anyway, she looked incredible and when I see those pictures I get why Thor’s brother is with her – if and only if she just hangs out all the time in those gypsy styled outfits and they eat middle eastern food with their hands while lying on pillows on the floor.

DARK SHADOWS

FUCK! Eva Green is so hot. Eva Green’s boobs should be in the museum of Natural History. Have you seen The Dreamers? You should! First, you should. Second, if you don’t want to then just go find the parts of the movie online where Eva shows her glorious naked breasts. They are holy works of art. There’s nothing on my body that should be remembered and praised throughout human existence, but Eva Green has two of them and they’re her absurdly perfect and big boobies. I imagine it has to be a crime somewhere that she has to cover those perfections up. Would you cover the Mona Lisa? Would you silence the strings of Beethoven? Would you never let Peyton Manning throw a football again?! WOULD YOU?! AHHHHH!!!! Anyway, you should see The Dreamers because it’s good. Also, Eva is naked in it. Eva is also in Casino Royale, which is good, but she’s not nude in it. Anyway…

Dark Shadows looks terrible. It’s about the campiest and cheesiest movie that is happy about being campy and cheesy. I’m not into movies like that and I’m not into Tim Burton in general. On top of that, the trailer shows pretty much everything in the movie at least as far as the plot is concerned. The movie itself I imagine will be a lot slower and a lot longer version of the trailer. If that sounds appealing then sure. To me, if you actually like the trailer – maybe you should just stick to that. The idea of the movie and plus all the plot points of the movie in one music video like trailer seems a helluva lot better than a 90 plus minute drag of what you already know. Plus, this is a kid’s movie and Eva’s not getting nekkid.

I do want to mention that there is one other lady, a younger lady, in this movie who has a bright future ahead of her as long as she gets away from movies like this and the next one… Chloe Grace Moretz…

HICK

Yep, you can have a two-fer of the very young and talented Chloe Moretz later this month as Dark Shadows and Hick come out the same day. As beautiful as Blake Lively is the movies she is in are as terrible… minus The Town. Hick is a dramatic tale of Chloe running away from home with a gun and running into con-woman Blake and you’re not seeing this. What’s the point? You’re going to see The Avengers and you’ll probably see Dark Shadows. I’m not seeing Hick either most likely.

What I did want to briefly mention is that someone needs to watch out for Chloe. I don’t know Chloe, I will probably never know Chloe, but I fear for Chloe. Fear? Yes, because Chloe has been good in movies, movies that I’ve liked, and I want that to continue. Just like Dakota Fanning, Elle Fanning, and … and… hmmm… are there other kid actors I genuinely enjoy seeing act? I don’t know. Anyway, people need to keep an eye or two or 10 on those Fanning girls and this Moretz girl to make sure they don’t fall into any of the traps along the way like a lot of their similarly aged actresses. WATCH HER! Don’t allow any of them with 500 yards of a Lohan. Any Lohan! I don’t care if it is a distant relative of a Lohan, KEEP THEM AWAY. That chick is literally bad news. I don’t think I would trust myself with a Lohan. I’ve never been arrested or even had to many opportunities to be arrested, but one night with a Lohan and I’m betting my ass is in jail. Those people are fucking crazy! So keep the talented people away from them.

Moretz seems to have a great future ahead of her and has shown abilities in comedy, drama, action, horror, and so on. I even like Moretz on 30 Rock. I thought I was completely sick of 30 Rock and Alec, but I really like any of the scenes between the two of them. Although, I won’t see this movie, from my brain I’m trying to send positive soundwaves to anyone who receives them that this girl should stay in good movies or at least go back to good movies and not stuff like Dark Shadows and Hick.

That’s really all there is for the first half of May…

I’ll be back tomorrow with the second half…

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4 Responses to “KSWI’s May Movie Month Mpreviews – Mpart Mone”

  1. You can make your Gypsy Miley Cyrus movie so long as it follows the trend of The Artist and is a silent film. Though, that said, her voice is still better than Thor.

  2. Can’t wait for Batman either – I have a thing for superheroes.

  3. nixhaw said

    Meh…. I have to say none of these excite me. Hollywood could have done better for my birthday month. I’m just saying…

  4. kalyani said

    i am kal.i want buildup good friend ship wit you

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