KSWI’s May Movie Month Mpreviews – Mpart Mtwo

May 2, 2012

Happy Hump-ness day!

THANK THE GODS – old and new – THERE IS NEW TELEVISION FOR ME TO WATCH TONIGHT!!!!!

I don’t watch any television shows on Monday or Tuesday regardless of new or old programming, so the beginning of the week is always an experiment in time killing. Monday night I “acquired” the WWE (yes, rasslin’) pay-per-view Extreme Rules from the night before. I did watch the Royal Rumble this year on a lark, but it had been over a year since I had watched wrestling when I bought Wrestlemania and then I bought Wrestlemania the year before that too and then before that it had been since high school since I had watched a rasslin’ pay-per-view. I imagine statute of limitations is over, but when I was in high school I bought a descrambler aka a “black box” to help steal pay-per-views/cable because it was getting nuts being a rasslin’ fan. There was the WWF, WCW, and ECW. The first two had monthly ppvs and ECW had one every other month. They were all at least $40 a pop, so the $600 descrambler actually paid for itself pretty quickly.

Also, that descrambler afforded me the opportunity to watch the Spice Channel. If you didn’t have the opportunity to ever watch, what I believe is the now defunct, Spice channel then you’ll probably never guess that this porn channel actually edited out all “insertion”. But… but… but… the infamous “bob” shot which is the underneath shot of the guy’s ball just slapping against the woman’s vaginal shutters and is usually a ton of man ass crack/taint – that was perfectly cool. But all video evidence of the penis literally going inside the woman was left on the editing room floor, which led one to believe that the dong always found itself thrusting the poon via “magic”. That sounds more exciting than it is.

Also also, that same descrambler afforded me the even more questionably entertaining opportunity to watch whatever the ppv movie channels were offering, which was a set of 5 movies or so that they just played in an endless loop for a month straight. I have seen classic movies like Small Soldiers and Eddie Murphy’sDoctor Dolittleabout a million times.

I offer this tidbit into my life as more of an explanation to my current lunacy.

Anyway… Surburgatory, Modern Family, Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23 – all new. And, if you’re wondering, the WWE pay-per-view was surprisingly good. Much better than the Royal Rumble one I think.

Anyway anyway, MOVIES! FROM MAY! THE SECOND HALF OF THEM!

THE DICTATOR

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Why not. I’m seeing it. I love Sacha Baron Cohen and will see anything he is the star of. I’m not seeing Hugo unless you paid me with money, puppies, and cosplay sex. That goes double for Sweeney Todd. Either way, Sacha is crazy talented and funny, so I’m excited to see The Dictator. In part, this movie is based on the novel that Saddam Hussein wrote that was supposed to be a parable about his own rise to power and Godliness. It looks funny in the trailers and judging by everything that Sacha has done in the past, I would venture to guess that the trailers are really on the tip of the iceberg because his humor is not age appropriate for everyone. It feels like it’s been awhile since I’ve been positive about a movie, but I’m expecting this to be worth the effort. Better than Borat? Probably not. Better than Bruno? Probably not. But those two are ludicrously funny. Better than Da Ali G movie? Probably. The TV show was insanely fun, but the movie was hit or miss at points. I’m expecting to laugh. You should too. That’s all I got… actually… did you know that Sacha is supposed to play Freddie Mercury from Queen in an upcoming biopic about him? That will be INCREDIBLE. ZANZIBAR!

BATTLESHIP

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Oof.

This is still coming out? It’s amazing that this made it through any level of production. Literally, every step beyond the initial moment of “let’s make a movie about Battleship – remember that game we played a hundred years ago?” was a wrong one. So, you’re going to make Battleship the movie, ok? That’s your task. What’s the first thing you would make the movie about? You would assume it would be about dueling battleship fleets considering that is what the game is. Like a standoff between two Cold War era fleets and them finding themselves at a blind cross roads where they need to fire on faith. That sounds like the storyline of the game if the game had a storyline, right? Instead, Peter Berg and his lot were given the same task I just hypothetically gave myself and their first response was: ALIENS! ????????????????????? Yep. That’s what this movie is about. Aliens in the same vein as Transformers. It’s funny that no one thinks the Transformers movies are any good and we make fun of Michael Bay meanwhile both Peter Berg and as mentioned yesterday Joss Whedon’sAvenger’sare ripping that dude and his movies off.

The star of Battleship is… not Rihanna or Brooklyn Decker’s boobs… it’s Taylor Kitsch. Remember the failure that was John Carter? Expect similar results from this movie. If people do see it it’s because they think it looks so atrocious that they have to see it. Taylor has amazingly at least one other movie coming out this year with Oliver Stone’s The Savages sometime soon. That movie will not have high expectations nor a $200 million budget, but it won’t do well in theaters either most likely. I feel bad in a way for Taylor because being apart of three failing movies in one 6 month period of time cannot be great for the career, but whatever. The people who are in charge of movie studios are absolutely fucking morons who shouldn’t be in charge of a Denny’s let alone a billion dollar movie production house dictating what is entertainment for the world. It just happens that Taylor is starring in a bunch of good examples of their idiocy.

HYSTERIA

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I thought this movie already came and went. I actually thought about this movie a few weeks ago and thought that I should look it up on Netflix or see what the reviews were for this movie because it looked kind of funny. It must not be that good because they keep moving back the release date and then are dumping it as a limited release in May. Really? Are people dying to see English period piece comedies around Memorial Day? I would think this movie would do much better in the Fall to Winter months. Also, as the poster suggest above, the movie was at one time scheduled to be released in the infamous dump month of FEBRUARY. Not a good sign. Either way…

The movie looks silly and kind of funny. It’s a bunch of Brits in turn of 2 centuries ago and it’s about Hugh Dancy and Rupert Everett (I think – who can tell who he is under that beard) making the first women’s pleasure device and it’s unprecedented rise in popularity in England. Sex comedy with British accents? Are you even going to pretend like you wouldn’t watch that on a lazy Sunday afternoon? Of course, you would.

MANSOME

Yes.

I have seen Morgan Spurlock’s other docs and he does a great job keeping them light, entertaining, and moving. I really don’t have too much to say outside of that I will see this.

THE SAMARITAN

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I won’t see this movie nor will go into detail about what it’s about. I mean you’re not seeing it either. I doubt it will even be in a theater to be seen any where near where any of us live. If you do want to see this movie, you’ll have to illegally download it and/or befriend one of the people in it and watch it at their house if they even have a copy of it of their own. What I do want to talk about for the briefest of seconds is one of my favorite movie ideas I’ve had and it involves Samuel L. Jackson.

If I could cast Samuel L. Jackson in a movie it would as the comic book character Black Panther. I think I’ve talked about this before. The movie idea is Samuel L. Jackson is Black Panther and the idea is a movie within a movie where we follow a fake reality where Samuel L. Jackson is miscast as Black Panther in an upcoming shitty adaptation of the comic book. The movie would show both worlds where Sam is in the Black Panther movie as well as fake-real world where Sam is Sam making the movie Black Panther. The storyline would be about Sam coming to grips with being the superhero Black Panther and assuming the role of Black Panther as he is making this movie adaptation Black Panther. What is pushing Sam will first be the villain of the adaptation and will eventually be an offset villain in Sam’s life. I’m picturing Gerard Butler in that role, but I could be swayed. I want someone famous and who would be in a shitty comic book adaptation, but not as famous as Sam and who is willing to get nuts. I think Gerard can do that. Eventually, Sam begins to see Gerard as a villain in his own life and on the set while making the movie, which leads Sam to kind of go nuts and he starts thinking he’s Black Panther in real life. This would eventually lead him to a near breakdown confessional scene – think John Malkovich in Being John Malkovich with Charlie Sheen – and Sam would be confessing to Robert Downey Jr. The climax of the movie would be during the shooting of the final fight scene of the adaptation movie. Sam dressed as Black Panther and Gerard dressed as whichever villain, the two are supposed to fight in a choreographed scene with a green screen and special effects. Everything starts off ok, but then quickly turns into an actual fight between the two. At the end of the fight and emotions taper off, Gerard reveals that he’s been trying to make Sam angry because he wanted to get him to give a better performance and get a better performance from himself as he was trying to be a method actor by actually being a villain to Sam. This results in the epilogue with Gerard winning a slew of highly coveted awards like the MTV Movie Award for best villain and Teen Choice Award for best supporting actor and so on.

Ok?

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING

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If Anna Kendrick wasn’t doing the hand on the baby bump pose, I wouldn’t even notice she was pregnant really. Have you seen the other posters for this? Brooklyn Decker’s got a fake baby bump that’s the size of Texas and Anna’s got a bump like she ate a footlong cheesesteak. Anyway, I’m not seeing this movie. It looks more or less like a bigger version and much much whiter version of that movie My Baby’s Daddy. Not good. Will you end up seeing it? Not many of you will, but a few. More than I would like. There are so many famous white people in the movie and Chris Rock that there has got to be a percentage of people just seeing it for that reason. Valentine’s Day meets the results of condom-less/birth control-less sex.

CHERNOBYL DIARIES

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Yeah… no.

I didn’t and will never see the Paranormal Activity movies. This is from the same “genius” team that brought you those classics. Take a wild guess what happens in this movie. Do the gang of young 20’s get stalked, hunted, and killed by mutant freaks that are the result of the Chernobyl radiation? YEP. In a movie that will follow the exact formula that The Cabin in the Woods made fun of… here you go. Mindless and original-less Chernobyl Diaries. The people who see these movies will see this. Why not? The people who don’t see these movies will never know it existed to have been seen or unseen.

COWGIRLS N’ ANGELS

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I’m posting this simply because of the title. Cowgirls N’ Angels. Incredible. Oddly enough, James Cromwell is in another limited release movie that comes out on the same day. No one is seeing either, but it’s an odd coincidence. And I won’t mention that movie’s title because it isn’t anything on N’ Angels. After reading the title again, it really makes me wish that it was Cowgirls & Aliens that I saw last year and not Cowboys because at least there would have been the chance for nudity or chicks riding horses maybe without a bra or something. Does anyone even remember that movie Cowboys & Aliens? Holy shit that movie sucked. What a fucking waste of time and money for everyone. I used to love Jon Favreau. And… at one time I thought it was a good idea for him to direct all these action movies that he got a chance to direct. Why did I think that? BECAUSE I CAN BE A FUCKING IDIOT TOO. I honestly like the man as a person and think he’s funny. Stupidly I thought that should direct action just because. Clearly he shouldn’t have and hopefully won’t ever again. Go back to comedies… and even an Elf sequel.

MEN IN BLACK 3

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No.

If you have kids, I pity you. It’s got to be great raising life and so forth, but it’s got to be the utter shits knowing you’ll have to watch this. I don’t know what else to say about this movie outside of how unbelievable awful it looks. In all honesty, Men in Black was a good movie. It was clever and funny and a good kids movie that adults could also sit through. Men in Black 2 wasn’t good nor something that should have been made, but you knew it would because of the overwhelming success of the first and the first does leave it open for a sequel nicely. As for this? Uhhhhh… it really doesn’t look like they tried at all. In the trailer, there are people who have lines and are interacting with Will Smith who not only don’t look like they’ve ever acted a day in their life, but they look like in other scenes they probably are holding the boom mic just off camera. I don’t know what the budget for this was ($200 million probably), but I’m sure it went all to Will Smith and whatever conspiracy theory things he is into – Scientology?

MOONRISE KINGDOM

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YES.

Wes Anderson is arguably my favorite current director. I’ve loved everything that he’s made. Loved. Loved! I’m fully prepared to love this movie. Love it. I’m walking into this movie with those expectations and I have all the faith in Wes on delivering that. I really don’t have any other comments than that. Literally, I’m expecting love. I have loved all the other movies and this looks like one of his other movies in that regard and I’m expecting more love. Just watch the trailer…

The only thing… is that this would be more appropriate for the June month of previews because this is coming out Memorial Day weekend only in New York and Los Angeles and then hopefully a wider release after that. But when ever my eyeballs feast on it… love.

What else is there to talk about?

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One Response to “KSWI’s May Movie Month Mpreviews – Mpart Mtwo”

  1. It was interesting to note that The Dictator was wearing an American Good Conduct ribbon!

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