KSWI’s Official Opinion On Marvel’s The Avengers: Not As Bad As THOR

May 7, 2012

Happy Monday! … and stuff…

This weekend had its ups and downs and I spent much of last week helping shovel coal into the ancient Marvel’s Avengers hype train. The big question is…

DID I SEE IT?!

Yes.

Yes, I saw it. I saw it like every other fucking motherfucker that fucks this weekend. Good God. It made over $200 million this weekend which absolutely pees on the previous record of about $170 million. I haven’t looked at any detailed reports of the breakdowns of that money, but I helped out that enormously erect total by adding $30 worth of handjob strokes with two tickets to see the movie in 3-D. Yep. I even saw it in 3-D!

Honestly, I’m completely over 3-D and I wasn’t under 3-D that much originally. I don’t like the experience that much. I’m not used to wearing glasses, let alone shitty cheap ones. I am constantly adjusting them throughout the movie. As director/producer J.J. Abrams once said that as soon as you put the glasses on everything goes dim. I have noticed that too and I am not a fan of that quirk either. But the timing worked out when we got to the theater that the 3-D showing made more sense than the other inferior dimensional output versions.

The theater was sold out. There were people of all ages. There was a little Asian girl no more than two years old wearing a sequined skirt and Ugg boots running up and scooting down the aisle steps next to me almost the entire movie. She no doubt contracted scabies or crabs or something at such a young age, but the parent didn’t seem to mind.

The food. THE FOOD! I stood in line for a small Sprite for 20 minutes in a line with 5 people in it. The people in front of me ordered enough provisions to survive a zombie apocalypse – not an elephant apocalypse because no one survives the elephants. There were Icee cups that had to be in the triple digits of ounces. There were sodas bigger than your head and definitely bigger than your bladder. There was candy, nachos, ice cream sandwiches… and chicken fingers. Chicken fingers? People were ordering off what seemed to be a TGI Fridays menu.

Finally, I did get my small Sprite. Why a small Sprite? Out of the beverages offered, I like Sprite the best with the 6 ounce flask of Vodka that was waiting for me in the theater. So, I even prepared thoroughly for the movie by getting quickly tipsy to enjoy this children’s movie.

The second big question…

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE MOVIE?!

It was ok.

Better thanThor? Easily. Nothing rivals that movie in its stupidity and lack of anything good.

On a sliding scale of movies that I have little to no genuine respect for, but were entertaining anyway, Marvel’s The Avengers is better than the Transformers movies and is about as good as Fast Five. Honestly. Anything beyond that and you’re not being honest with yourself. The Avengers is basically a remake or retelling or a cover song of Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. You can swap out the Transformer Auto Bots for the Avengers, the Decepticons are Loki and his, might as well not have had a name, alien army, and that whole part of the Transformers movie where you for whatever reason follow around a bunch of humans who do nothing special, but still seem to be turning the tide of the battle are played by Scarlett Johnansson.

What separates the Avengers from the Transformers movies is that they are dealing with a better cast of actors and a director who at least cares a tiny bit about his characters having personalities and such. For the most part those “personalities” are generic outlines that the characters never detour from, but they’re better than what you get from Transformers. There are a few lines or gags in the movie that are humorous all there are just as many that either fall flat or just don’t register any laughs. The actors themselves deliver the lines they have and some of them work. But overall you never really spend enough time with any character that you get a sense about them. You don’t get enough to like them or hate them. And in that, the movie is best buds with Fast Five.

If you like The Avengers then you should really like Fast Five. It’s mostly action, the easiest common denominator joke dialogue, any storyline dialogue is kept to a minute, dialogue scenes in general are kept under a strict regimen of getting in and out of them with as little mess as possible… that’s what she said, and it’s a lot of shit blowing up and the great looking stars of the show smiling their tooth smiles all the way through. I have no beef with Fast Five or The Avengers for grasping and nailing that low bar, but it’s just not impressive to me the way people are fawning all over it.

In the end, the $200 million Avengers is as good as a Vin Diesel movie and that says a lot.

Will you enjoy The Avengers? Probably. You should be able to get a kick out of the couple things in the movie that do give you a kick. Could they cut out a solid hour of that movie and it would still be just as good? Yes. They could literally show the beginning of the movie where Loki escapes (that was a terrible and dumb scene, but I won’t go into that) and cut out the part where Hawkeye gets taken. Then show that montage of scenes of the crew grabbing all the Avengers. Then reshoot the scene where Thor literally appears out of THIN FUCKING AIR, but Loki’s not on the plane this time. And cut to the 40 minute finale of them fighting Loki at Stark tomorrow with the porthole and such. Nothing else in the middle matters or changes anything.

Did Joss Whedon make a better movie than Thor? Yep.

Did Joss Whedon make a movie a little better than theTransformers?Yep.

Did Joss Whedon make a better movie than Fast Five? Nah. It was about as good as Fast Five.

Besides that…

Game of Throneswas a solid effort last night. I really do think they are doing a great job adapting that book series into television and each week they surprise me with their ability to continue doing it.

Girls was maybe their best episode yet. I’ve never watched a show more thinking, “I hope this isn’t how _____ are in real life”. For Girls obviously the _____ are “girls” themselves. For 24, the whole time I’m thinking I hope this is how our secret agents are. But for Girls it is the opposite. At first, I thought the show just painted men as being idiots, but after a couple more episodes Lena does a good job painting all her characters as idiots. Good show though. I enjoy it thoroughly for its sexiness and for it being the least sexy show on Earth too.

Veep is getting better every week.

And you?

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4 Responses to “KSWI’s Official Opinion On Marvel’s The Avengers: Not As Bad As THOR”

  1. PWG said

    I waited in line for an hour to see it. My son dropped my pretzel on the floor. I didn’t eat it, 5-second rule applies not at all in a movie theater. I worked all day Sunday in an office without air conditioning.

  2. dude said

    Suck my eyeball!!!

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