Banning Same Sex Marriage Is Totally Gay…

May 9, 2012

Happy Hump-Day for those who are legally allowed to, am I right?!

I know that North Carolina is not the first and, sadly, not the last state to ban gay marriage like they did yesterday. I think NC is actually the 30th state to do so or something around that. And as many of you will see today, there are about 5-6x as many states in the US that allow for cousin marrying than gay marrying (who are either cousins or not). It’s despicable. Sure, some of us have some really hot cousins and all, but I mean at least meet us half way with the gay concept. Plus if cousins keep marrying and producing inbred children then we’re never going to have an open-minded enough future set of constituents to pass gay marriage in our beautiful states… wait a second! Is that their plan? An all inbred USA that is so close-minded they change back the clock on all progress?! That’s actually a pretty nifty plan…

My real beef with North Carolina beyond just the banning of gay marriage is that Amendment 1 is a horrible idea and all of its evil fingers of legislation, besides banning gay marriage, seem to be things that everyone wouldn’t want to pass including those who voted for it yesterday. In a state where the majority supposedly believe in civil unions, they just voted to ban them. It seems pretty incongruous to me that a group of people would vote to ban something that they’re ok with and did so out of either ignorance that Amendment 1 had more on it than gay marriage or they are that fucking scared of gay marriage they don’t care that it also effects the rights of abused women and access to birth control et cetera.

A lot of people are saying blame the politicians… I can see why you might want to do that because politicians are the worst, right? … but it wasn’t politicians who voted this down – it was the people. Besides politicians being people too, the vote passed in NC because the people of NC voted for it and not a collective of 1000’s of politicians. Maybe the politicians didn’t do a good enough job explaining to people that Amendment 1 was more than a ban on gay marriage? I find that hard to believe. Over $2 million was raised specifically to campaign against this Amendment 1 dealy and I would have to guess that the people in NC were blanketed with info about it considering if I had heard about it in NJ then they should’ve heard about it in NC. Plus, our cynicism towards politicians has gotten to a point that we don’t believe anything politicians say or even what they do and instead we just have our unchanging opinion either for or against them.

That’s not to say the politicians in NC didn’t fuck this up in some way or help out in the process – I’m not giving them a pass at all. But in the end it was the people who voted on it and it was the people who voted in those other states to ban gay marriage and ban whatever else shouldn’t be banned. It’s the people. Either the people who supported gay marriage didn’t vote, don’t exist to vote, or what I said earlier about the civil union people being either ignorant or hating gay marriage that much.

I’ve never been to North Carolina. I’ve never been to a lot of places that people say are beautiful and some such. The land is not the issue. The land would be that land whether or not there was such a thing as North Carolina. It’s the people in this world that are fucking idiots. People in North Carolina are idiots. People in New Jersey are idiots too. People in France, China, South Africa, Venezuela, and if we can find some homo sapiens on Antarctica at least a few of them will be idiots too. There are idiots all around us in every continent, country, state, city, town, neighborhood, and even a couple in your own household. And if you voted for Amendment 1 or anything like it in your particular section of the world then you are that fucking idiot.

What can I say?

Gay civil unions, gay marriage? Whatever. I’m for any and all of them. I couldn’t give less of a fuck if two gay people wanted to marry each other. Why should I? I can only imagine two scenarios that would make a person not want gay people to get married and neither is my mindset…

1. Gay sex is disgusting/evil/something…

Have you been on the internet? If you gave me 10 seconds on the internet, I could find you a video of straight people having a type of sex that is way more heinous than anything a couple of gays who are trying to get married are getting into. It will blow your hair back is what I’m saying. Some things cannot be unseen and let me tell you – straight sex isn’t always beautiful. I’ve seen some things performed, and I’ve seen the people doing them, and if I had the chance to ban that the world might be a lot better off. But two gays sexing? That’s about the least devious thing going on any search engine on the interwebs.

There are two brands of gay sex. There’s the male kind and the female kind. This is a pretty large blanket statement, but if you’ve got good looking people participating in it then it’s probably wildly fun to watch. If they’re ugly, well, not as fun I guess. Anyway, let’s talk about gay women having sex for a moment. It’s absolutely wonderful. I’m amazed that there isn’t a nation wide amendment that it’s completely cool for women to marry and not men. Don’t all straight men love watching women kiss each other and then more than that? I’ve been under the impression all my straight life that watching two chicks round the bases on each other is about the greatest thing one can stumble upon outside of a unicorn being ridden by a grizzly bear being led by a bald eagle.

I feel like being against women being able to marry other women really comes down to sexism against women. Lord knows that we’re not trying to outlaw lesbianism because I can tell you for a fucking FACT that isn’t what men want to do. I’ve been in a literal stadium filled with literally thousands of people chanting and cheering and smiling and taking pictures of two 5’s out of 10 kissing. Dudes love seeing that. So, it isn’t anti-lesbianism, it’s anti-women-having-equal-rights. I find that repulsive.

For gay man sex, personally, I know I don’t want a penis in my butt. I don’t want a penis in my mouth either. At the same time, I don’t want a carrot in my butt and I don’t a carrot in my mouth. But there are people who do want those things and they might not be the same people or they might be – who knows. There are gay men. There are men who like penis and have since the beginning of time. I could understand I guess back in like 1000 BC if you had never heard of two dudes doing it and you saw it and you were like “whaaaaaaaaaat?” and then someone said immediately after seeing it, “should those two go get married?” I believe my first response would be, “They better! He just had his penis in the other one’s butt, so marriage seems like the next step to me. You got to lock that up.” But that’s me. I get that others would be a little dismayed maybe for some unknown reason, but 3000 years later and gays are crazy common place.

There isn’t a person in this world that couldn’t name a gay person. Probably a dozen at least. There are gay celebrities, athletes, doctors, scientists, writers, politicians, and family members. How on Earth could there be so many fucking gay people if there wasn’t something to it? And this jag about them being evil or whatever. How fucking stupid is that? TIM GUNN ISN’T EVIL! The television box’s fashion designer for whoever will listen is not evil. He’s a wonderful man that women get all teary eyed over when they see him in person and then he says something sweet in his monotone voice, adjusts his rimless glasses and gives them a hug, which makes their month and/or year. Gay people aren’t evil.

And I get the dudes version of gay sex. I mean what’s the flow chart. You get hard. That’s first step. No matter what happens, the penis gets hard. Following that, you are looking to stick it into something. That’s your best option for it to go INTO something. Like inside of it. An orifice. If no orifice is available then you’re going to rub it against something that has like orifice like qualities like a cupped hand or something. It’s like you’re looking for an island, but a peninsula will do. But that’s the long and short of it. It gets hard and it wants… nay… NEEDS… to go into something. So, if you want it into a woman or a man doesn’t seem to be a world of difference and more just preference. Like if I’m dying for chocolate… I want like a cake-y chocolate as opposed to a pudding or a candy style chocolate. So, that’s gay man sex.


2. Gay sex destroys the sanctity of marriage…

Yeah… nope. Marriage isn’t about sanctity. There is nothing special about marriage itself – it only matters about the people actually getting married. There are some fucked up people who get married. There are also people who get married that should never be married. There are even more people who almost accidentally get married while they’re drunk in Las Vegas. Marriage in some cultures or in past time periods were just thrust onto two people whether they wanted it or not. Marriage itself has been a contractual decision between two people that had its best success rate when people died at incredibly young ages and had zero other options to said marriage.

Marriage is an idea and shouldn’t more rights than the people who are trying to be involved in it. Why are we worried about how “marriage” does or does not feel? It’s a thing we created that has no physical form. Meanwhile, there are people who have feelings, souls, and an internal drive to share each other’s bed and last name from now until the next 50 years and people don’t give a fuck about them. It’s weird to say the least.

Lastly, I find it insulting that as a people – no matter what religion you belong to or not belong to – we’re supposed to believe in being nice and helpful to other people – do unto others and all that – and instead of doing that people seem to be more focused on deciding what others can or cannot do and what God believes. I think the last thing in this world we should do is believe that we know what God wants or even if there is a God. That seems a little beyond our control and seems it should be even more out of our control to limit what consensual adults want to do with each other when it doesn’t hurt anyone else.

Also, when has the close-minded, conservative ever won in any story ever? Who is it that these people are clinging to as heroes throughout their lives? Where are they learning these lessons to be these people and who are they ascribing to be? I can’t remember a story where the narrow minded people not willing to change with the times is the person who wins in the end.

One day there will be gay marriage and that will be the end of that story.


9 Responses to “Banning Same Sex Marriage Is Totally Gay…”

  1. Kimberlesk said


  2. PWG said

    Well said, all of it. People do a lot of dumb things when they’re scared, and plenty of people are scared of nebulous things that they have little understanding of and less control over. Your average Joe is wandering around in a fog of frightening things, too busy to investigate and understand more than bold-type keywords tossed out on talk radio and a 90-second news clip: socialism, climate, terrorism, environment, economy, jobs, cancer, China, healthcare, Wall Street, occupy, riot, and I don’t know, let’s throw in “school shootings.”

    A rational response would be to investigate both sides of the issues that affect you, your community, your country, your species and your planet, and then work toward the solution you find most reasonable. But that takes time, so instead zealots over-focused on one side of one issue grab the microphone and attention whore their way into headlines. And major news outlets, which are almost exclusively for-profit enterprises these days, latch on to those inflammatory headlines with both hands, trying to get eyeballs and page clicks to appease their advertisers. They know that people like their existing beliefs reinforced, so they skew to one side or the other and slant the news for all they’re worth.

    I recommend Good Night, and Good Luck, The Contender and Fareed Zakaria GPS. Not for any particular slant, but because it’s good to understand how media works and in Fareed’s case, it’s good to listen to intelligent people with opposing viewpoints discuss them, rather than shout them at each other. I hate to say rancor and partisanship is getting worse, because I think every generation thinks that, but yeah, it’s getting worse.

    Also my opinion: make all legal partnerships “civil unions” that are registered with your local government and recognized nationally, with the same rights and responsibilities for gays/straights. If you want to follow that up with a religious ceremony and your religion permits it, knock yourself out.

    • You sound all intelligent with your well made points… Meanwhile I’m like, “HEY FOR REALS OCTOPUSSY YOU GUYS LOLOL”. Same old, same old.

      • PWG said

        Funny you should say that, because I read your comment and was seriously all, “Yay, tentacle porn, that’s the mood lightener we need up in here today, high five!”

        Fareed and hentai: two great tastes that taste great together.

    • tiffanized said

      Do you remember the Fox news created furor over Barack Obama carrying around Zakaria’s “The Post American World”? I got a chain email from my dad that said things like “ZOMG THIS BOOK IS BY A RADICAL ISLAMIST ABOUT DESTROYING AMERICA” and I was like, “ZOMG WE HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO CAN READ BEYOND A SIXTH GRADE LEVEL”. By the way, there is something awesome about refuting one of those emails in a “Reply To All” message and watching the chaos ensue. Also guarantees those goobers stop forwarding you that junk.

  3. Well said.

    Also, if you need help finding something more heinous than gay sex, I know where you can find a video of a woman sexing an octopus. I’m just here to help. You’re welcome.

  4. tiffanized said

    I think it’s fantastic that while the economy is still clawing its way out of the toilet and we have a crazy war against people who might be only slightly less unhinged than we are and we are tearing up the planet at alarming rates and kids are going to bed hungry and without health insurance some bright lights in the NC GOP think it’s high time to constitutionally outlaw something that was already outlawed by state laws. Of course we passed this steaming pile of bullshit in Virginia six years ago, only slightly more restrictive, so I’ve done this rage dance before.

  5. nixhaw said

    I think the writer and readers of this blog should be in government. what say you?

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