There Are Some Things Swirling Around In My Head… We’ll See What Happens

May 10, 2012

Happy Thursday!

Today is the first day in as long as I can remember (not too long considering drugs and booze have robbed me of my memory) that me sitting where I sit to type these posts hasn’t been surrounded by a world gray raining shit. Or I should say gray, raining, and shit. Not gray-raining-shit. Although, as I type this it does look like the world could turn into another gray-raining-shit day. I have to go outside today to pick up my tuxedo and go to a mall to look at shirts to go with the tuxedo because I’m thinking I might wear a colored shirt instead of a white shirt with the tuxedo. I’m sorry… I mean Afro-Euro-Scandanav-Middle-Eas-Austral-Irel-Israel-Turk-S-N-Cake-Kos-American shirt instead of a Caucasian shirt. Political correctness et al!

Yeah, a tux. A tux for a wedding. A wedding that will be at a castle. A second castle wedding for me. I went to a wedding castle affair last year or the year before or sometime not too long ago. I have some many galas at castles with weddings pinned to them my brain is just a mess of them. This one will be in New Jersey as opposed to Long Island as there are so many castles in each. They breed castles as far as I’m concerned. I actually enjoy my tux to some extent. No belt, it’s my newest suit, all black. But I’m getting a different shirt because I want some color, some pop, some…

Or I could dress like this…


Seems reasonable enough.

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

I meant to write about the Met Costume Institau-askjfasd= blah blah blah thing, but I woke up late on Tuesday or whenever I should’ve posted about it and didn’t feel like going through all the pictures and talking about them. Plus every website had these pictures of these people and they all gave their opinions and I didn’t think you needed my too too too too too much.

Kristen Stewart looks like she is in an 80’s music video or an 80’s movie. This would be what her character would wear to some bar when a band that maybe the main character is in is playing at. But there are no bars that people dressed like that at, it’s just an approximation that Hollywood created. A romanticized world where people dressed like they were in a music video in real life, but it’s actually in a music video after all. A slice of life music video.

In actuality, I’m saying 1980’s, but I really mean the early 90’s. When people throw out terms like the 80’s, they’re really meaning from 1982-1992 or 1983-1993. Just as in the 1970’s is more like 1973-1983. Decades of style don’t have a line of demarcation when ’79 becomes ’80. It’s really a bleeding in process. People in the 60’s looked like people in the 50’s until they all started getting high on reefer and that gradual effect took place and they started loosening up. Then 70’s didn’t start looking like the 70’s until they started having bad trips from ramping up their drug use from the 60’s and getting into heroin. Then the 70’s didn’t fall off until the 80’s started getting into cocaine and people were flying so high on that stuff that they warped themselves into the future. Then the 90’s hit when those druggies now had kids and they all became conservatives and their children rebelled by looking forlorn and depressed and ticked off. The 2000’s didn’t really take hold until the internet showed us we could be constantly entertained and we could take hold of dressing whichever way we felt like from any era because we were individuals now and could express our feelings with video blogs and our clothes and with everything we do.

Up next?

Only the future can tell, but I hope it’s capes or animal prints or something.

Or … is the process of Spanx and everyone, but myself wearing them a glimpse at the future. We finally realize how spandex is the revolution even though it was created like 100 years ago at this point and we all start wearing full body spandex outfits like super heroes. I honestly think that would be kind of amazing. Although… I have two concerns… I have never worn spandex as far as I can remember and at least not in my adult life, so I have two concerns because I’m not sure what wearing spandex is like…

1. Will the spandex crush my genitals. That’s an enormous concern and was the first thing I thought when I just came up with this idea a second ago. Maybe I, or all guys and ladies, could wear crotchless spandex and then have to wear a second kind of pair of… WAIT A SECOND! IS THAT WHY SUPERMAN WORE UNDERWEAR ON THE OUTSIDE OF HIS SPANDEX SUIT?!!!!!!!!!!!!

Those blue pants are crotchless! I FUCKING FIGURED IT OUT! It makes a lot of sense now. The pants are crotchless because spandex would crush your nuts and you want your balls and penis to breathe a little. They’re not a lifeform unto themselves, but they kind of are. They’re not not a lifeform unto themselves. How about that?! Anyway, Superman gets it. His nuts don’t need that discomfort of the spandex, so he probably cut a hole in the spandex with his heat vision and then let his bits dangle and then got a pair of lyrca shorts to wear over top.

This is leads into my second issue…

2. Boners. Boners themselves are not an issue. They’re great in the right circumstances, they’re kind of great even in the wrong circumstances, but at times they’re the worst when someone tells you to do something that isn’t sex when you have a boner and if that person is a family member or someone you don’t want to show your boner to. That’s a quick guide to boners for you. Anyway, I imagine boners show up really well in those shorts whether they’re lycra or… FUCK I just noticed…


Superman just tucks his boner under his belt and then pulls his shirt over it! THE DUDE IS A FUCKING GENIUS!

I’ve never been more in love with Superman than I am right now. I mean I guess I really loved Superman a lot before and I really loved that Superman was a product of Jewish writers back in the dizzay talking about a hero for immigrants who saves New York City. But now, I realize that not only is all that, but he’s also a master handler of boners… that’s what she said… I mean he’s got his own boner problems on lock down.

I can’t imagine how many boners Superman must get on a daily basis. Probably short side of a billion.

– Flying through the air = boner

– X-Ray vision seeing through people’s clothes = boner

– Rescuing people from all sorts of disasters = boner

– Bullets ricochet off his body = boner

– Defeating space aliens with punches to the face = boner

– Lois Lane just being a flirty bitch in sassy office appropriate attire = boner

– Being Superman = boner

This list could go on forever. Speaking of boners…

Nina Dobrev was on Conan last night and completely sexified all of our lives up a notch and a half.

You may know Ms. Dobrev from the TV show Vampire Diaries and/or the many sigh inducing pictures of her on the internet like this one…

Besides, Nina looking hot and then doing a Matrix pose that looked even hotter where she seemingly touched the tops of her feet against the bottom of Conan’s balls… if all that wasn’t enough…

Nina made an incredible point…

Vampires should have lisps.



Well, they would when their fangs are out. If they can retract their fangs (which is really a bullshit thing that vampires can do, transform and untransform) then they would speak seemingly like a normal person. But when they have their fangs out they would sound like a little child. Is that what you want? A lisping vampire to share your bed with? Vampires are fucking stupid. Talking like morons and I bet they would be boring as shit constantly talking about the old days. Seriously? Have you met an old person? HAVE YOU? They’re fucking crazy in the brain and have weird problems relating to young people and they have little to no concept of change even though they’ve been through a ton of it. Vampires would be like dealing with Ron Paul except with a lisp and he would look like a teenager. If that’s what you’re masturbating to then God help you.

I feel like I need to do something to end this…


Did Paltrow think this was a swingers party? Good Lord, Gwen! Put some clothes on – you’re a mother… and in public… and people are taking pictures of you!

There’s a story on Yahoo about a girl who made a prom dress out of candy… fuck that! Emma Stone has a dress made out of candy wrappers! Eat that bitch! Also, she looks like she’s 6 years old. For those type of fetishists out there – they must love this picture.

This is the opening shot of every Jonas Brothers straight or slash fan-fiction.

Kristen Wiig looks great and I’ve finally figured out the difference between when Kristen Wiig looks good and when she doesn’t look good: whether or not she looks nourished. In this picture it looks like she’s been eating and had a coconut water or two. In other pictures it looks like she hasn’t slept and has been mainlining diet coke. Nourished is better Wiig, nourished is better.

Is there still a debate which the ___________ Olsen twin is? This picture should have ended it. She kind of looks like the mortal enemy of Dame Judi Dench in Chronicles of Riddick.

One day, this is what it will be like. A super race of 7 foot tall women being helped around by the less evolved.

Or… aliens. We’re discovering these “Super Earths” which are just planets that are twice the size of our planet. That’s a misnomer of a name, but one day we will find a SUPER Earth and there will be everything we have, but twice as big. EVERYTHING TWICE AS BIG!

Kristen Bell looking stunning with the LUCKIEST MAN IN THE FUCKING WORLD. Get her as many sloths as you can buy, Dax. She deserves it.

The internet just came.

I love you?


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