My Body Doesn’t Hate Me Today… Or At Least Not Yet…

May 14, 2012

HAPPY… MONDAY!!!!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend doing whatever it is your doing.

Well, I mean I hope whatever it is that you’re doing is something I would approve of and then when you actually do it you have a wonderful time doing it.

Like, if you were just sitting around and watching a marathon of James Bond movies then I would be cool with that. I’m actually considering doing that myself. I have seen almost all of the 23 James Bond movies save for a couple of them and the movies range from terrible to great, but even the worst of them is still about a handsome dude in a tuxedo sleeping with hot chicks and shooting people to death with his pint sized pistol all while spouting one-liners in the Queen’s English. It can’t be too bad. So I do hope you’re having a wonderful time doing that. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service is easily the best Bond film and don’t let anyone try to tell you that Timothy Dalton’s Bonds are skippable because THEY ARE NOT! There’s a shark in one of them!

Like, if your weekend activities involved serial screwing members of your “Freebie 5” list whether you’re married or not then I am in total support of that. Go get ’em, tiger! They’re on your list for a reason… to fuck them without any reservations. So put them to work is what I’m saying. Whether it’s Kiefer Sutherland, Elizabeth Hurley, Kellan Lutz, or recently added Nina Dobrev then I wish all the best in getting your things inside of them and them getting their things inside of you. Sounds magical to be honest.

Like, if you are driving around keying the cars in the driveway and leaving flaming bags of your own poop on the doorstep of any gay friendly house with a rainbow flag on their porch then I would say DON’T DO THAT! BAD COMMENTATOR! BAD! And I would hit you on your snout with a rolled up Newsweek magazine. Maybe the Newsweek that apparently called Barack Obama our first gay president. See? This is why we can’t have nice things! People are fucking fucks. They’re fucking fuck idiot fucks who need to stop fucking around and stop fucking in general so no one accidentally has anymore fuck offsprings. So, if that is what you’re doing then I’m not rooting for you to have a wonderful time. Actually, I hope you have a horrible time and you fall into a ditch and are forced to live on eating mud and bugs and when authorities find you you look like Gollum and the only clothes left on you is a tattered Rush Limbaugh t-shirt. Bad commentator!

Anyway…

Friday night I drank some scotch and had a beer and felt fine the next morning, but the craziest thing happened Saturday night…

I had about 8 scotches, 5 beers, a shot of Jameson, a little champagne, and a little vodka tonic and I ate Wendys at like midnight and I drunk slept for like 3 hours and then woke up when the booze wore off and then laid around in misery for a couple hours until I passed back out for a couple hours and then woke up feeling like I was beaten with a bag of dog feces and then I ate a quessadilla filled with eggs, bacon, and cheese and it made me want to vomit out of my pores, but I didn’t and eventually I drank an iced coffee and let my digestive track fall out of my ass on a toilet for 20 minutes, but crazily enough I felt like crap all day.

Isn’t that crazy pants?!

Also, when I ordered that first scotch I said out loud that I was only going to drink this one scotch and then switch over to beer.

AND

I

LIED!

I’m not perfect, people. I’m a fucking nightmare to deal with. I mean if it was you and I, the shit that I put you through.

There’s a really good chance I’m going to get dressed in a tuxedo, take you to a wedding at a castle in the middle of a state park in New Jersey, a wedding no less for a beautiful 26 year old couple who have known each other their whole lives and have had a crush on each other since they were 9 years old and more or less were destined to get married, but only started dating when they were 23, a wedding that more or less resembled the wedding between Aragorn – king of men – and Arwen – forest elf princess – at the end of the Lord of the Rings movie, I will force you to eat the food at the wedding like the filet mignon or the fine meat and cheese plates or the seared tuna or the risotto, I will drink an obscene amount of liquor all the while encouraging you to drink as little or as much as you want, I will also “dance” some to terrible wedding music, after the wedding throw a private party in our hotel room of fast food and beers, and I’ll accidentally break the hotel TV trying to make it more viewable from bed, and then if you play your cards right – being there and being willing – I will make the beast with two backs with you.

I’m just saying that’s the shit that happens. Lock me up! I’m a horrible man.

I watched Game of Thrones… I love talking to people who haven’t read the books and asking them what they think is going to happen. They’re so fucking naive! All of them! So was I at one point, so was I. I sincerely love how wrong their guesses are. I mean their guesses or predictions are usually crazy wrong, and at the very least their guesses or predictions haven’t happened yet because there is absolutely no circular conclusion that happens in these books. I don’t think you could guess right now what is happening in book 5 because there is no certain path Mr. Martin himself is taking. It’s just this wild journey that most likely has no end and he’ll just die of congestive heart failure before he shittily wraps up the books. I still enjoy it though.

I like Veep. I think the problem with the show though is you have to enjoy a lot of dry comedy and you actually have to listen to what the people are saying. That’s tough, I know. But it’s required to pay attention when you’re watching that show. I think each episode is better than the last. I loved the part where Julia yelled that the door to her office should be half as high because people should be coming to her office on their motherfucking hands and knees because she’s the vice president.

Another good outing from Girls. I like that show a ton even though these people are such extremists. Seriously, Charlie? Seriously! Dude, shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up! Alison Williams is riding your erectness and all you can do is talk about how pitiful you are and plead with her to respect you… shut up, dude! There are three guys on this show. One is the Charlie guy who has had 5 seconds of screen time where he hasn’t acted like a little pansy child and the other two guys might as well have been raised Howard Stern Ba-Ba-Booey style callers. I guess there are two other guys on the show – the dad who is completely willing to throw away his seemingly happy marriage to have sex with his kids’ babysitter, and Hannah’s pervert boss. I’m not saying they have to make a dude who I relate to, I’m just saying I don’t relate to these guys. I know the show is called Girls and in that I don’t relate to them either. Hannah is literally playing the part of the fool, Alison Williams is supposed to be the bitch, Jessa (sp?) is a free-spirit fool, and Shoshannah is the innocent. I do like the show. I do.

Mad Men was good and it was nice to see they hadn’t forgot Betty in the mix. It’s the most high minded soap opera ever. At some point, I guess they’ll end Mad Men, but it could go on forever. There’s nothing stopping it. It just keeps on chugging along. We could follow Don until he’s 60 and he retires and lives out in Nantucket or something. Maybe he’s on a board of trustees for the ad agency and whoever is running the show at that point – Peggy? – could be doing the Don Draper act at the office with her whole cast of characters scurrying around. Honestly, the show could run for 30 seasons like The Young & The Restless.

How was your weekend?!

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7 Responses to “My Body Doesn’t Hate Me Today… Or At Least Not Yet…”

  1. tiffanized said

    I feel completely out of touch because I don’t watch TV that other people watch. Every Monday it’s like ZOMG MAD MEN GAME OF THRONES and I’ve spent my weekend watching reruns of 20/20 on the Oprah Winfrey Network.

    But drinking/wild weekends/random weddings I can relate to. Friday night my daughter went to prom and got in a car accident on the way home. Everyone was ok but I had to drive up to the scene looped out of my mind on sleep meds and hope the cops didn’t notice me trying not to pass out. Saturday I went to a beer festival and fell in lesbian love with a woman with a Bettie Page hairdo and devil horns. Sunday I dramatically stormed out of a church service because the pastor talked about how BRAVE it was for Billy Graham to haul his disintegrating ass to North Carolina and get people to vote for hatred and the whole church applauded and my frontal lobe blew out. Side note: should you ever get a chance to stand outside of a church on a Sunday morning and yell “FUCK YOU” do it. Don’t hesitate. Last night I had a first date with a guy who doesn’t drink and I pooped three times during the date because I accidentally ate cheese.

    I keep getting invited to strangers’ weddings because dudes want me to be their proxy dates. I’m guessing I still look good enough in a spandex dress to qualify as arm candy, and there are free drinks so no complaints. No broken hotel TVs either but it’s early in the wedding season yet.

  2. I watched “Game of Thrones” last night, but that was all I could manage before slipping into an impenetrable sleep-coma. Turns out that celebrating my birth, someone’s marriage, and my mom for all of her mom-ness, is just far too much frivolity for two days now that I’m all old and fragile and crotchety.

  3. PWG said

    I worked. I’ve been working forever. I will probably never be allowed to sleep again. I did not, in fact, sleep at all on Friday night. I know a career in IT comes with nights and weekends, but if we don’t get a new IT Director in the next two weeks you’re gonna read about a stabbing in Colorado.

    • PWG said

      On the plus side, I’m now dead certain I don’t have one of those addiction-prone personalities. If ever I were going to take up methamphetamines and whiskey as a serious hobby, it would have been this week. Apparently when I’m at my lowest, a constant stream of romantic comedies on in the background is my crutch.

      p.s. I did not remember the porch scene in Jerry Maguire being that, uh . . . engaging. I looked up from my laptop long enough to rewind that.

  4. nixhaw said

    Is Game of Thrones airing in South Africa? I do not think so. Eh, prolly would make much difference as I don’t watch much tv at the moment…. Sorry Jordan, I’m sure that sentence is some type of blasphemy to you.

    Also, I have just discovered quesadillas, being the out of touch South African I am, and I love em. I’d take em to bed I love em so much! Take em to bed, add a good book and thats my heaven, right there.

  5. Hans Meyer said

    Answers to: Did my viral load go detectable because of resistance Is it time to switch meds
    http://tinyurl.com/cxhfwse

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