Kristen Stewart Wanting IT In ELLE Magazine Is Just Like Some Dream I Had…

May 15, 2012

… where I was fucking two Kristen Stewarts!


WOWZERS wowzers WOWzers! I wake up thinking I’m going to have to talk about those pictures of Kristen Stewart in that dress from the Snow White and the Huntsman premiere, but low and behold I wake up to my throat hurting and pictures of Kristen Stewart living out the Krisbian fan fiction I so deeply appreciate with my genitals. Oh stop it! I’m so naughty when I’m absolutely not in the least. It’s ugly as shit outside, my throat hurts like I’m getting sick, and last night I broke the screen on my iPhone. But let’s talk about some KRISTEN on KRISTEN intercourse because that will make this gloomy gus of a day go by quicker until I can watch cagefights on Fuel TV later.

Gee willikers, Kristen Stewart wants IT!

I actually like this cover. Well, I like the picture. I don’t really care for the color behind Kristen, but that’s one of those colors that advertising psychologists say to use to POP on newstands to get people’s attention and then we’ll dumbly by it like the mindless robots we are that responds to colors and shiny things. First off, what’s wrong with colors and shiny things? Nothing! Anyway, I’m just saying that I don’t think the color matches all that much.

But we get to see some of Kristen’s boobs which is on par with the rarity of hearing a positive news story about the economy these days. Oh yes, the economy is oh so terrible. It’s oh so terrible that there are millionaires and billionaires made every day. Oh so terrible indeed. Oh so terrible that Facebook spent a billion dollars on Instagram and then is going to make a billion dollars on its IPO. Oh so terrible! Is the economy terrible for people who got screwed over on loans they took out for colleges or houses or something or other that they can’t pay back? Yep. Is the economy oh so terrible that they’re not building more and more casinos in Atlantic City? Nope. The economy is good for some, bad for others, so what’s the fucking big news story?! Is this economy so terrible a movie about a bunch of half famous super heroes remaking Transformers 3 can’t make a billion dollars in less than two weeks? NOPE. Meanwhile, is this economy so terrible that companies are using that as an excuse to downsize departments and pay people less money because they feel like it? YEP. What’s the fucking news story?! People who don’t have money are getting taken advantage of?! Must be the economy’s fault!

What am I talking about? KRISTEN STEWART’S BOOBS! Yes. We see her legs. A lot of them. We sometimes see her butt. Sometimes. But rarely do we see some cleavage meat. Today we have and we celebrate with the no pants dance in our hearts.

So what is the story in this picture? Kristen Stewart is auditioning for Mad Men… or Magic City. God bless AMC and Mad Men for that dream sequence that Pete Campbell had in Sunday’s episode of Rory Gilmore wearing nothing but a G-string and a fur coat. Good Lord. I have never seen a TV show come so close to showing nudity than when Rory opens her coat and shows every nanometer for her right boob without showing a sliver of nipple. Incredible. The Shield used to be the kings of showing almost nudity. On the other hand, Magic City? I doubt I could watch an episode of that show because it sounds stupid and all of Starz’ programming minus Party Down (which is magnificent) is cheesy crap. Magic City over the weekend had a scene of Willa Ford – remember her? – butt ass naked getting choked in a shower. Incredible how far her career has blossomed. But what am I saying?! I don’t want Kristen Stewart getting choked naked in Magic City…what the fuck am I saying?! THAT WOULD BE A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN Adventureland!Imagine how much better that movie would’ve been if there was a scene of Kristen Stewart getting shower naked choked by Ryan Reynolds. Or her just showering naked. Or her just naked. I mean anything would have made that better. Even a scene where they actually commit to comedy would have been nice instead of the oscillating back and forth between sap and sap. Just get naked or be funny. Or be funny naked.

Kristen Stewart on the left has no problem with effing the identical twin version of herself.

Kristen Stewart on the right wants IT, but she gets that this isn’t just a paradox it’s just a fucking weird situation.

But I love it.

In the long storied history of Kristen Stewart’s magazine pictorial layouts being infinitely more interesting than the multi million dollar movies that she appears in… well here’s another example of that.

Would you rather seeSnow White and the Huntsman?

Or would you rather see a movie where there are two Kristen Stewarts who possibly have sex with each other in a futuristic Great Gatsby-ian society? I’m already on board and in the process of writing this screenplay, so yes. How about it’s like Gattaca where it’s this futuristic society with these genetically perfect people who live in a utopian city that is quarantined from everyone else. They are facing over population issues and need to keep the ratio of boys and girls to a near 1:1. Their family actually has twin girls in secret and instead of choosing which one needs to live, they raise one to be a boy. Hmmmm… or what if in this future society cloning is so common place that people regularly have clones of themselves and keep them as more or less a slave and in this case Kristen Stewart eventually realizes that the clones have the same emotions as we do and has a friendship turned partial love affair with her clone who although looks the same as her has a distinct personality of its own and Kristen has been the first to actually care for a clone to find this out. Eventually, in either scenario there could be a Logan’s Run style chase sequence when the future cop authorities find out the situation.

I’m guessing one of the two dies while saving the other.

This is basicallyEyes Wide Shut.AND I LOVE IT.

Per usual, the male Kristen Stewart is like “let’s fuck like now would be good” and the female Kristen Stewart is like “I want IT, but I’m also thinking I might be receiving a text message right now from someone, so maybe I should see if that’s the case just in case, but yeah I want IT, but maybe there’s something else distracting me.” Pfffftttt, chicks.

In this story, I feel like they are high class prostitutes for the kinky rich. Because nothing is classier than getting identical twins to have sex with you at the same time for money. I meant high class like expensive. High expensive prostitutes? Either way, there could be that or these identical twins were separated at birth and the male Kristen Stewart finds out that her identical twin is this luxury escort. She devises a plan to dress as a man and set up a date with the prostitute Kristen Stewart to see what she’s like and how she could have ended up this way. Obviously, this leads to the two of them forming this bond which could lead to sex because why the fuck not. Seriously? We’re making a billion dollars about some scooter riding aliens getting beat up by a muscular green guy who can’t talk and you are questioning me about some identical twin prostitute sex? C’mon!

Oh how emotional it would be when the prostitute K-Stew finds out that the man or woman dressed like a man or whatever that she believes finally understands her and loves her is actually her basically deranged twin sister who has been taking advantage of her and lying to her. That could be a great scene.

Anyway… there’s that.

Sure beats the hell out of me talking about that stupid article Yahoo put up about America’s and my sweetheart from 2008 Shawn Johnson and how she gained weight when she hurt herself skiing and then read online that people were calling her fat and then she lost weight and now she feels better about herself, but doesn’t think girls should be bullied into losing weight. Wait? WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?! Unless I missed the whole point of that article, it still sounds like she is worried about what people think of her based on her weight. She gained 20-30 pounds, felt bad about herself because people were making fun of her online about it, lost the weight because of that, and now feels good about herself. Hmmmmmm… not sure if we learned anything or if there is anything to learn, but I never stopped wanting to have consensual relations with that gold medal winning chipmunk. Plus, whether she felt good about herself or not, if she was going to compete again in a sport dominated by anorexic 14 year olds then she would need to lose any weight she gained because as mentioned she has to compete against the best of the best in anorexic children. It’s a tough racket our there doing that. As for the “internet” who picked on Shawn Johnson, they’re a bunch of homeless hookers who don’t deserve Shawn doing a running vaulted hand spring off a pommel horse onto your awaiting nakedness.



2 Responses to “Kristen Stewart Wanting IT In ELLE Magazine Is Just Like Some Dream I Had…”

  1. PWG said

    That Elle magazine cover promises an article about adding an inch to your height without heels. What do you think, is it a bouffant hairdo, or one of those rack things that you strap yourself to and hang upside down on until you pass out from lack of blood to your brain? Because I’d be down for the second one, and I could add a lot more than an inch to my height with a can of hairspray.

    I am not a fan of the mesh shoe/boot Girl Kristen is rocking in the last picture. I could see Freddie Mercury wearing them, though.

    Now I’m wondering about the masturbatory habits of Siamese twins, thanks a lot.

  2. I’m sorry your phone broke and your throat hurts. Fuck Tuesday. I hope you have a dream where you fuck 100 Kristen Stewart’s to make up for it.

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