I’m Still Sick, So Let’s Talk About Musicians With Small Dick(s)…

May 17, 2012

Happy Thursday!

For you, not me. I feel like shit.

I had a crazy night last night where I stripped down to my usual boxer briefs and t-shirt and when I got into bed I felt like I was an icicle. I proceeded to shake near uncontrollably and wrapped myself in my comforter so tight I might as well have been a human joint. I was still shaking and freezing and couldn’t stay warm. I tried to curl up into a ball covered in the comforter and did so, but still would shake from time to time. Eventually, I had to make the decision to go to the bathroom. I kept myself wrapped in the blanket and scooted over to the door and peed in the my bathroom all while still wrapped in my comforter. Then I started to get proactive. I brought another blanket in and put socks on and put a heavier t-shirt on. I then double bagged myself and did stop shaking and eventually fell asleep.

I must have woke up every 2 hours though. Around 6 am, I was covered in my own sweat, so I took the socks off. Two hours later, I took the second blanket off. Anyway, I feel like shit.

I also wake up to sad news Donna Summer is dead. Seems like all these celebrities are dropping off recently. It’s nuts.

Yesterday, I was lurking on Buzzfeed and saw an article they posted that could be entirely false or partially true or completely true and whatever it is it’s pretty funny.

31 Rock Stars’ Sexual Prowess, As Rated By Groupies

Apparently, there’s a website called Groupiedirt.com and the site is old and is really just gossip, but it’s some funny gossip if it’s true. If it’s not true then it’s funny these people made up these lies.

Check out the whole article at Buzzfeed and please share your own thoughts, but in the mean time I’ll grab a few that I found particularly interesting…

Layne Staley – According to Groupiedirt: “Alice In Chains lead singer Layne Staley is described as having a 3-4 inch penis, and a sexual disappointment.”

Really? You had high hopes for a known heroin addict? Why? Also, he’s a white guy with dreads. I hate to make a blanket statement about white men with dreads who are also heroin addicts, but I would put $500 down that they’re terrible lays.

Phil Collen of Def Leppard – According to Groupiedirt: “On Def Leppard’s 1999 tour, the band reportedly had a contest to see who could get the most girls to have anal sex and Phil won!”

I never knew that was the name of the guitarist in Def Leppard and I didn’t know Def Leppard was still touring in 1999, but I will forever think Phil Collen is a hero of men for winning an anal sex contest amongst Def Leppard. What is also interesting about this is that if you ever meet someone who met Def Leppard or at the very least said they went to a Def Leppard show in 1999 – you know there’s a good 65% chance they had anal sex with them.

Simon LeBon – According to Groupiedirt: “Duran Duran lead singer Simon LeBon has a curved penis and gets ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’ when it comes to oral sex, according to a woman who experienced him.”

How curved are we talking? Like a boomerang? Like if he could detach it and throw it, it would come back?

A common thread of this list is people mentioning how into oral sex these men are. For Simon, it sounds like he likes to go down on women or maybe they mean he’s hungry to get a blowjob. But whatever… they do mention a bunch men like receiving oral sex, which should be news to fucking no one.

Art Alexakis from Everclear – According to Groupiedirt: “Everclear frontman Art Alexakis is a selfish and disgusting lover, say groupies who’ve experienced him.”

I believe it.

Cypress Hill – According to Groupiedirt: “The men in Cypress Hill treat their fans and groupies very well. People who’ve encountered them have good things to say about them.

Color me surprised! I was expecting – they’re into gang bangs. But nope. They’re actually wonderful individuals.

Johnny Rzeznik of the Goo Goo Dolls – According to Groupiedirt: “He likes his women to ‘slide’ on top of him during sex and he gets off when a woman gives him oral sex and swallows.”

He likes chicks on top and blowjobs? Sounds like Johnny and I would get along pretty well.

Billie Joe Armstrong – According to Groupiedirt: “Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong has the smallest penis of any rock star we know about. Billie’s “little willy” is only about 3 inches.”

Awwwwwww…

Ice T – According to Groupiedirt: “Veteran rapper Ice-T likes to ‘get white pussy,’ according to a lady who experienced him. He’s been said to have great stamina too.”

NO SHIT! He married Coco.

Chris Isaak – According to Groupiedirt: “There’s an unconfirmed rumor that Chris can give himself a blowjob and he likes to demonstrate this talent at parties.”

I’m really on the fence of whether or not I would want to see that. On one hand it is Chris Isaak giving himself a blowjob and on the other hand it is CHRIS ISAAK GIVING HIMSELF A BLOWJOB.

Moby – According to Groupiedirt: “Several people have said that Moby has a sexually transmitted disease and that he doesn’t tell his sexual partners about it…and he likes to have unprotected sex.”

I believe it.

Honestly, I believe everything mentioned on this list. The first time I looked at it, I was unsure. This second time through and I’m like, “totally, Davis from Korn probably is a whiny bitch. I’ve listened to his music.”

Joey Fatone from N’Sync – According to Groupiedirt: “Joey Fatone is said to be the horniest guy in the group and will make it with groupies who love to give blowjobs.”

New hero.

Mark Wahlberg – According to Groupiedirt: “This former Calvin Klein underwear model/current hotshot actor is also very careful about practicing safe sex. But he’s said to be so paranoid about his condom breaking during sex, that he’ll change condoms in the middle of a sexual encounter. “

Total fucking weirdo. Maybe the weirdest thing I’ve read on this whole list.

Trent Reznor – According to Groupiedirt: “We hear he’s quite the dildo connoisseur. He also likes role-playing. We also hear Trent likes to be dominated once in a while and has ‘mommy issues.’ His penis is reportedly about 7.5 inches.”

I’ve never been more amused by a phrase than “dildo connoisseur”. That is an amazing character trait. None of this surprises me either. I would expect all of this. I feel like this list could be completely fabricated by people who just watched these peoples music videos and listened to their albums.

I guess it’s the question of does art imitate life or vice versa.

Either way, you’re a bunch of pervs for reading this and these men are a bunch of pervs for doing whatever it is they supposed did. Minus Rob from Matchbox 20 who is a faithful and loyal husband… what a weirdo.

4 Responses to “I’m Still Sick, So Let’s Talk About Musicians With Small Dick(s)…”

  1. I saw Def Leppard in 2006. In 1999 I was too busy seeing The Goo Goo Dolls and lusting after Mr. Johnny Rzeznik. If only I knew then what I know now…

    I find the measurements interesting, only because I don’t think people are generally very good at eyeballing the size/dimension of things. I can’t even figure out what size leftover dish my rice will fit in, much less throw out an accurate number for penis length.

    I’m sorry you’re still sick 😦

  2. Karla said

    Hope ´ya feel better, still read you every time you post.

  3. Are you still shaking/sweating? You have a fever, start taking 2 tylenol every 4 hours, and 2 advil every 6 hours. Have someone get you some juice. I need you well so you can post and make me laugh…totally self-centered & spoiled, aren’t I? I also want you to feel better, really, it’s not about me, it’s all about you…

    Also, isn’t it how you use it, not how long it is?

  4. nixhaw said

    Where were the dogs? Dogs are excellent bed warmers and also have the added benefit of being comforting when one is feeling like shit.

    Feel better.

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