People Don’t Want To See Movies THAT Bad And Random Celebrities In Stupid Dresses

May 21, 2012

Happy Monday!

I am awake. I don’t really feel like I’m awake, but I am. I’m on the tail end of this sickness it seems, but the changes in weather from hot and sunny 75 on Saturday to cold and rainy shit factory of British design today. I feel like it rains more in the Summer now than it ever did in my childhood. I don’t know if that is true in the least, but maybe I notice it more now. I also know that we’re not technically in Summer yet because that doesn’t start until late June, but we’re days away from Memorial Day and that’s the fucking Summer. People don’t flock to the beach for Spring, they get vomity drunk on a sweltering hot desert bordered by a human waste filled ocean while lathered in a chemical bath of SPF and hot dog toppings.

Anyway… what do I know?! I’m no weatherologist!

I am a wantologist and a generally good future predict-er when it comes to movies Box Offices. I overestimated my numbers, but I nailed the sentiment that people wouldn’t see shit except for Avengers which would make around another $50 million and that Battleship would sink. Of course, that wasn’t too hard to predict.

While we discuss the box office failures that are engineered entirely by Hollywood and yet they’ll somehow blame us, the passive consumer, for it… and I watched John Carter last night, so I’ll talk about that too…

Let’s take a look at some of they hot bitches or not hot bitches or some might not even be actual bitches, but they be bitches because they were all at the Billboard Music Awards last night.

Hello, pretty lady.

This is the type of dress I like and I don’t understand. What I like about what Julianne Hough is wearing is that it looks like she’s wearing the most expensive towel ever after getting out of the shower. If Linens & Things or Bed, Bath, & Beyond offered shimmery diamond sequined towels to walk around the house in post whore’s bath then this is exactly what the poster for that product should look like. Julianne is a delicate flower, so delicate that she only trusts her delicacy around gay men, which is a pretty good idea I would think. At one time, princesses were guarded by eunuch slaves and now they are taken around town by famous closeted homosexuals. It’s really quite the evolution.

And I do want to see Rock of Ages. I’m a Tom Cruise fan. Cole Trickle for life!

The Swift!

Looking pretty great. It looks like something someone would wear in a movie like something Hester Prynne would be “forced” to wear in a futuristic reimagining of The Scarlet Letter. I feel like Taylor is trying though. Trying to bust through this shy girl shell that couldn’t be anymore fabricated. There’s got to be a 75% chance she’s had sex with both Don Juan John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhall or something of a similar spelling. But there is a 100% “chance” that both have just whipped their dongs out in front of her, maybe at the same time, so let’s stop with all the collar button ups and show some skin, Taylor.

Carrie Underwood is a sexy storm cloud.

So, let’s talk…

BATTLESHIP’S FAILURE

Some say the movie cost upwards of $300 million. Which strangely enough is becoming a norm. Movies are well exceeding this $200 million budget that used to be the top of the tops. It’s ridiculous. Do computers cost that much? Isn’t CGI something we’ve been doing for 20+ years now. What the fuck costs so much? Shouldn’t they be able to outsource the CGI to China and get it for nothing or something. Shouldn’t there be an overwhelming surplus of computer animators at this point who should be making zilch as freelancers because everything else in every market is flooded with people and driving the price down to nothing.

Either way, this movie looked horrible. No matter how brilliant of a red or yellow explosion one can be, it doesn’t make the movie look any less horrible. I’m amazed more than anything that people still think we literally just want to see explosions. Explosions have been around since the 80’s and only have gone more nutso since then. I can’t imagine people literally just want to see explosions.

Battleship did have aliens! Aliens that looked and acted almost identical to some of the lesser than Transformers and at the same time had absolutely nothing to do with Battleship the dumbass board game.

But I digress… America spoke! America spoke loud and clear! With just about $25.3 million in ticket sales this movie is a disgusting failure. The funny thing is that almost no other business in the world would be disgusted by $25.3 million in sales over 3 days, but that is how absurd the movie industry is. That’s how fucked up the movie industry is. $25 million in 3 days is a FAILURE! A HUGE FAILURE! Doesn’t that show how fucking stupid the movie industry is and how not a single one of them has any understanding about good and bad investments in the least. Seriously? You can’t make anything, but a huge failure with $25 million? Then you run the absolute worst business in the history of businesses.

Meanwhile, fuck foreigners. If you are sitting here and thinking to yourself – I can’t believe enough stupid Americans went and saw $25 million worth of Battleship then how about this… Overseas in a couple weeks time Battleship has made over $200 million. WHAT THE FUCK, FOREIGNERS! Aren’t Americans supposed to be so stupid and spend our money so frivolously but you’re the ones seeing Battleship?!

Yeah, she’s getting hotter. A good investment was to get on Jordin Sparks back when the internet was calling her chubby, but she was good looking back then. Then she goes Jennifer Hudson and turns herself into a swimsuit model. That’s a good investment. That’s like buying shares in Google back when it wasn’t in the three figures shares wise.

Amazingly, Taylor Kitsch has been in two movies that have cost about the same amount of money and then failed with about the same amount of ferocity.

John Carter made more than Battleship by $5 million in America, and again made well over $200 million overseas because those people are fucking incorrigible.

I watched John Carter last night and it was meh. This picture of Jordin Sparks gave me much more of a visceral reaction than any moment in the 2 hours of John Carter.

Nope.

Maybe this is a bad angle. Can you really see her boobs prominently in another angle?

Katy what the fuck are you doing with yourself. Did you completely forget what got you to the point that people would take your picture in the first place at the Billboard Music Awards… it’s your boobs and the cleavagey pictures they can produce.

Also, your face looks like you got gang raped by Icee machine.

Good Lord, Brandy.

Wasn’t there an article written about her where she said she hadn’t had sex in 6 or more years. Dressed like that, I imagine that streak ended last night.

John Carter definitely wasn’t a bad movie. I kid you not. It wasn’t bad. It just wasn’t good either.

It had all the makings for a good movie. Honestly, the CGI looks a lot better in the movie than it does in the trailers. The movie itself is very quickly paced I thought. It didn’t really feel like two hours in a sense. The scenes move quickly and things happen and all that, but the big problem is… I couldn’t give a flying fuck about any of it.

It’s an amazing thing that the people who made John Carter did… they made a well-shot, well-paced, I guess decently acted, seemingly all around well-orchestrated movie… but you couldn’t give a flying fuck about any of it. There’s no meat to any of it.

Why are the humans in red bad? Because they are. Ok.

Why are the humans in blue good? Because they are. Ok.

Why are there these four armed ten foot tall green people with tusks who have babies that hatch out of eggs? Because they do. Ok.

Why… STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!

The red people are bad and the blue people are good and the green people are in the middle because some of them are good and some of them are bad. John Carter has super powers aka he can jump really high and with that he is going to kick the shit out of everyone including the grey people who are immortals except for the fact they can be shot and killed and they are not magical it’s all science, but they are magical because it’s not really science and oh right no one explains them either.

Who are the grey people and why are they there? Because they are! Ok!

I get that they explained what I imagine is a sliver of the actuality of the story, but none of the explanation matters because they don’t explain enough of it. They give us enough to be like well those guys are good because they are saying as much and those guys are bad because they are saying as much. Outside of that, you have no connection to them. The only thing that really is the difference between the red side and blue side is that the blue side has a hot princess that John Carter wants to bang and that’s supposed to be enough for us the viewer… meanwhile WE BARELY KNOW WHO THE FUCK JOHN CARTER IS.

I felt like I was watching the most well done storyboard animation ever. Like it was excellent for storyboards. And then someday later someone would go in and fill in the gaps where we are supposed to learn why we are supposed to care about what happens.

If the blue side didn’t have a pretty princess then no one would ever fucking care about the blue side. They do nothing at all that makes them likeable except for having one hot chick. Are you telling me there are no hot chicks on the red team? I call bullshit! I bet there are a ton of hot chicks on team red. Seriously, Dominic West is the bad guy of the red team and I’d imagine he wasn’t slumming it with uggles from the red zone.

What in the fuck is this?!

Anyway…

I thought John Carter was better as a whole I suppose than Cowboys & Aliens because I felt dumber after watching Cowboys & Aliens. That movie was bad. This movie John Carter just wasn’t good.

I take back any good thing I said about Miley Cyrus. Apparently, Miley had sex with Thor’s brother in the limo and decided not to get dressed again in her dress or underwear or anything and instead just threw on his double breasted white suit jacket. Nor did she fix her sex hair… Actually, I fucking love Miley. This awards show is for fucking horrible music and I didn’t know it was on and would never watch it even with a gun to my head, so at the very least Miley gave people something to write about because she looks fucking ridiculous.

Anyway…

I saw The Dictator as well this weekend.

It was good, not great. Definitely a bunch of funny moments, but overall it’s kind of half-hearted it feels like. It’s a bunch of absurd gags that are funny, but have no real attachment and then it culminates with the end of the movie moral moment which we all knew was coming in the first place. It takes a really smart comedian to make a comedy that is at points so stupid and pull it off as well as Sacha did. If you like Borat and Bruno than The Dictator is definitely worth a watch, but if you didn’t then go buy a sense of humor somewhere.

Game of Thrones was good in that way where it’s nothing like the book, but I somehow enjoy it. I don’t know. I wish the show was more like the book because I did enjoy the books, but at the same time I don’t care. Roose Bolton is one of the more entertaining elements of the book at this time and in the future books and he’s absolutely no where to be found or the character the way he is in the books is no where to be found. Same goes for his “bastard”. I do miss characters like the Reeds not being in these scenes and the under-use of the direwolves and plenty of stuff like that, but I still find the show good, entertaining and I’m excited for next week.

The best part of last night’s episode was Oona Chaplin’s ass and/or her stunt body double’s ass. Many online are guessing that she used a body double because they say (I haven’t researched it myself) that you never see Oona’s very pretty face in the same shot as the exceptional ass that was also featured last night. I wish that body doubles and all that wasn’t a thing. I bet Oona Chaplin has a nice ass. She’s beautiful with the clothes on and I doubt it gets worse with them off. As for the body double, I feel like they shouldn’t be the ass and tits ghost writers that they are and should get credit for what they have. I want to know who is the owner of that marvelous ass. Give credit where credit is due and such.

Veep gets funnier every episode and last night’s episode was hilarious.

Girls was another good episode filled with more awkward sex. Next week’s episode looks like it could be the best all season.

Mad Men was a good episode for those people who just want to see the two sexiest people on that show share screen time – Don and Joan – but I’m not a huge fan of their scenes together. They seem forced and fan servicing. They have almost no interaction in the rest of the show storyline wise, but everyone knows in real life we love the two of them, so they throw them together like they’re old chums who have been a half second from boning at every moment. It’s nice, but it feels forced in my opinion. Their scenes read like fan fiction and I’d rather see something else. Plus, it’s old hat getting Don in trouble with his wife. The rest of the episode was pretty zany, but more entertaining in my opinion with the Hare Krishna bullshit.

Anyway… whatever.

What did you do this weekend?!

2 Responses to “People Don’t Want To See Movies THAT Bad And Random Celebrities In Stupid Dresses”

  1. tiffanized said

    Yahoo doesn’t know what’s going on with the scene in the teddy bear platforms either because they had thirty pictures of celebrities with detailed captions about who they were and what they were wearing, then they got to this girl and there was nothing. Just blank space where the answer to the question “Dafuq?” should’ve been.

    I caught your sickness from afar. I’ve been alternately coughing up organs and making the guy who cleans our toilets at work contemplate quitting his job and/or suicide all day. I confused some male co workers too I think, because every time I coughed the uppermost button on my shirt flew open and there was sudden explosive cleavage which is sexy and disgusting at the same time what with all the boobs and phlegm.

    I still don’t see movies or watch TV. I’m sure that makes me a communist or something.

  2. If by “visceral reaction” you mean “boner”, I’m glad John Carter didn’t give you a “visceral reaction”.

    I hope you and Tiffanized (and all of my fellow employees) stop being sick soon.

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