KSWI’s June Movie Previews: C-C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!!!! – part 1

May 22, 2012

Happy Tuesday, party boys and party girls!

I still feel sick, but I’m beginning to think that this is just what the rest of my life will be like. The dirty 30’s will be a period of never-ending sniffling and hacking up a substance most reminiscent of Slimer from the Ghostbusters. Whatever. The only downside is that I don’t feel like drinking alcohol when I’m sick. For some that’s a positive, but for me sadly that is a negative. I actually think to myself, “Ugh, it would suck to be drunk right now”. WHAT’S THE POINT OF LIVING IF THAT’S WHAT I’M THINKING?! Well, that’s a philosophical question for another day.

TODAY! Today, I will talk about the movies of June and I will preview them in that way that I do where I doubt you get a better understanding of what the movie is more so you get a better understanding of my disdain for it, my sexual attraction to the cast or the small chance that I will enjoy the movie.

First thing first about June and what the title of this post is referring to… JUNE’S MOVIES LOOK PRETTY FUCKING GOOD! Can you fucking believe it? I can’t! I CAN’T! It feels like forever since I’ve actually been excited about a month of movies. I’m not saying these will be the best movies ever or anything, but looking at this slate of 17 movies I will preview between today and tomorrow – June doesn’t look half bad at all. It actually looks like it might be half good. I can’t think of a month in recent memory where I’m genuinely excited about half of the movies or around half and then the other half don’t make me want to actually KILL ALL OF HOLLYWOOD. I think I’m even semi-ok with the bad movies that are coming out this month, which includes the first movie of the month…

PIRANHA 3DD

BOOBS! FISH KILLING PEOPLE! MORE BOOBS! MORE FISH TEETH TEARING THROUGH HUMAN FLESH! BOOOOOOOOBS! THIS MOVIE WILL CREATE THE WEIRDEST BONERS EVER!

I didn’t see the first Piranha 3D and I won’t see this one either. What’s point? The only part of the movie I care about is the boobs and if there is any even slightly famous chick getting topless in this movie then it will be on celeb picture sites with-in a half second of this movie hitting theaters. As for fish killing people, I’m not as interested in that as some may think. Plus I hate 3D. I HATE IT! I keep saying _____ is the last 3D movie I’ll ever see, but I end up seeing others and never enjoy them. I’m making my stance though that Avengers will have been the last 3D movie I see that isn’t at the very least a specifically 3D movie. Probably the best 3D movie was Jackass 3D and I’ve seen it in 2D and it works just as well.

So… if you saw Piranha 3D then you should be ashamed of yourself and you should also go see the sequel because they literally made this sequel JUST FOR YOU and not a single other person.

SNOW WHITE & THE HUNTSMAN

Yep.

What does she want? IT! When does she want? NOW! WHAT DOES SHE WANT?! IT!!!!! WHEN DOES SHE WANT IT?!!! NOW!!!!!!

Kristen Archibald Jameson Chenowerth Stewart has a new movie coming out and she’s not a vampire in it. Thank Heaven’s Saint Christopher’s Day of Tuesday, I can go see this movie to continue the prophecy that has been laid before me of seeing the movies that this wunderkind stars in. I have talked about this movie before many times and I’ll just say that I’m interested in seeing this. But beyond that, I don’t really know what to expect about the actually “goodness” this movie will have. It looks a little like Russel Crowe’s Robin Hood meets forest magic. Actually, this almost looks like a live action version in some ways of the Pixar movie Brave that is coming out later. Princess runs through the forest fighting with mystical creatures and has to defeat something in the end and they both have forced accents. Why is Snow White faux-British? I guess it’s because they cast a South African and an Australian and an American who fucks an Englishman, so might as well have everyone speak the Queen’s. Right? Right!

I think the movie itself will be OK or tolerable. I’m not really expecting much from this movie. In the end, it is an ill-advised retelling of Snow White for no apparent reason. I’m not sure if it is just how they directed the trailers or if it is an indication of how the movie is, but it appears Charlize might have more screen time than anyone or maybe her scenes are the only watchable ones. Who knows? But all the advertising makes me think the movie should be called The Evil Queen… & Thor Throwing Axes At No One, but that could be because the storyline is so lunatic with the magical creatures in the forest that they can’t show any of Kristen Stewart’s scenes. Who knows? But I get the feeling that the movie trailers really aren’t representing what the movie’s experience will be like correctly. Maybe I’m just paranoid. Either way, we’ll have to see. I’m seeing it. Oh right, isn’t there an evil prince in this movie too and he is no where to be found in any of the posters or anything anymore.

Whatever. I’m just hoping that Kristen Stewart stabs Charlize Theron to death with that knife and/or the glass shard from the mirror, mirror idea I had all those many months ago. Speaking of, it can’t be worse than Mirror, Mirror was. I vomited every time I saw a TV commercial for that piece of shit. I could smell its shittiness through my TV.

BEL AMI

Out of the ____ and into the ______. Bel Ami aka I Swear To You, Kristen, I Didn’t Cheat On You With Christina Ricci Or Uma Thurman Or Colm Meaney. Yes, it has arrived! The movie that will end all other… who am I kidding? This movie has been available for download for a month now which is never a good sign. There are maybe 10 movies in the history of all movies that have been available to download before they came out in the theaters that were worth watching and Robbles wasn’t in any of them. 1. was Taken and 2. was Goon and 3 – 10 you need to figure out on your own I suppose. In what has to be the 300th time this movie has been made, a British dude and/or a dude with a British accent has sex with a bunch of women of different ages and with a thinly veiled storyline sewn through. I imagine most of the movie goes like this…

Rob enters.

A female in a floor length gown stands by the window gazing out. She turns at the sound of Rob entering. Her bosom is on full display and she is breathing heavily as if she is gasping for air after running a 40 yard dash at Mile High stadium in Denver, Colorado.

Rob – “Is everything alright, my lady?”

Female – “It’s just-

The female holding back from hysterics tries to hide a single tear with her stoicism.

Female – “… my husband…”

Rob rushes to her side. Rob puts his left hand on her waist and gently touches her cheek with back of his fingertips from his right hand like a wierdo.

Rob – “I am here.”

The two then have sex on the four poster, canopy bed.

– end scene –

The next scene will be a bit of pillow talk and Rob will excuse himself to get dressed and then suddenly enter another room where that happens over and over again.

Will I see this movie? Not unless a Jihadist splinter cell captures me and decides to torture me using Amazon OnDemand’s streaming network to watch this from a personal computer with wifi. Will you see it? Maybe. I don’t know how much of a release this will get, but I’m sure a book club, wine club, women’s to do club will have a wonderful time watching Rob hump these women who may sporadically pop a nipple for everyone’s viewing pleasure. I would like to add that with how awful hygiene was at any point in history pre-1950’s America that those people in real life would have had genitals covered in STDs and most likely rotting off in someway or another. FACTS!

MADAGASCAR 3

From genital rot to a movie that I imagine is as painful to watch as having rotting genitals, Madagascar 3! Let me make this real simple for you:

Have you seen Madagascar 1? Have you seen Madagascar 2?

If you answer no to those questions and you haven’t recently reproduced a child since the last Madagascar then you don’t need to see it.

If you have seen the previous movies and you like them then honestly there is no reason you shouldn’t see this one… that is unless you want to grow up and be an adult at some point. But with how idiotic everyone is in the world what’s the point of growing up anymore?

Also, I’m pretty sure there are actual cannibals on the island of Madagascar. I wonder if that is ever addressed in the movie.

PROMETHEUS

WAAAAAANNNHHH!!!! WAAAAAANNNHHH!!! WAAAANNNNHHH!!!! WAAAAAANNNNHHH!! I WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!! WAANNH!! I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT THIS SIREN NOISE IS SO PLEASURABLE TO MY EARS!!! WAANNH!! I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED TO SEE THIS MOTHERFUCKING MOVIE!!! WAAANNHH!!! GET IT IN ME!!! GET!! IT!! IN!! ME!! WAAAANNHH!!!

I really think this movie will be quite good. I don’t know if it will have a similar impact on the American psyche the way Alien did, but it looks like it will be quite enjoyable. It can’t be worse than Alien 3 or Alien 4. I really think it will be entertaining and enjoyable. It looks pretty wild and I feel like what we’ve seen in the movie is kind of the tip of the iceberg and not the whole iceberg the way some people are fearing. It’s funny that people think the posters and such are revealing way too much of the movie, but I trust that Ridley Scott isn’t half-assing his job and knows what to release image wise and what not to to still leave for quite a lot of shock and awe in the theater. Literally, the movie has shown like one second of footage of a big alien monster guy smashing someone into a wall in their ship. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that’s not all that monster guy gets into. I feel like there should be pretty intense stuff in this film.

I’m seeing this movie and I can’t fucking wait.

SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED

I’m also thoroughly looking forward to this movie as well. It looks more or less like a quirky romantic comedy between Mark Duplass and Aubrey Plaza based on the true story of a guy posting that wanted ad in a newspaper. The movie is about a small documentary film unit who goes and finds Duplass the time traveler and are hoping to gain his confidence by using the ever-enticing Aubrey Plaza. It looks funny and as mentioned quirky with probably a few quiet heart warming and slightly saddening lonesome moments. I’m excited for this movie not only because of the interesting subject matter, but I’m a fan of Duplass and Plaza. I watch FX’s The League which Duplass is on and he makes a ton of independent films that I do not necessarily see, but I support his creativity. As for Plaza, I watch and love Parks and Recreations and as a heterosexual man I find her to be attractive in all the correct areas of my body. So, it’s kind of one of those good ole fashioned thingamajigs … win-win situation. I hope this gets a big release, so that we all can watch it because honestly I think we all could use a quirky comedy right about now.

ROCK OF AGES

If you can think of a single reason not to be interested in this movie then I will be shocked. A beloved Broadway musical in which the music is 80’s pop hair metal. And it features one time resident of Glen Ridge, New Jersey and high school graduate of Glen Ridge, New Jersey… the one… the only… Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. Also known as…

TOM FUCKING CRUISE

I’m just saying that this movie looks like it will be entertaining as fuck for the whole fucking family.

It also comes out my birthday. I don’t know if I’m going to see it on my birthday. We’ll have to broach that hurdle when we reach it, but I will see it.

It would be so nice to end on this high note. To end on this string of movies. To not add a single other movie to this list because the movie I’m going to add next to this list of previews will leave a sour taste in your mouth, but maybe that’s what we all deserve. Maybe we all deserve it to remind us to never let this happen again. To remind us with the good of movies like Prometheus there is also the utter horrid atrocities like the next movie…

THAT’S MY BOY

Adam Sandler is to white people what Tyler Perry is to white people.

I cannot believe people think that Adam Sandler is still funny or at the very least think shit like this movie is funny. It seems like the perfect movie though to highlight how annoying two annoying comics can be by having them appear together and related in this bullshit. For those of you still seeing these types of movies like The Three Stooges and probably the upcoming and completely unfunny looking Ted, there is of course a half-assed and completely by the numbers new shitty Adam Sandler movie. For awhile there, it seemed like Adam Sandler was cool having Rob Schneider act in the shitty movies that Sandler produced, but overtime Sandler decided to get in on this embarrassing action. I guess why not. If a movie studio is so stupid to pay for these movies to be made then why not make them? But it looks fucking awful.

I think the best part of how awful this movie looks or I should say sounds is Sandler’s voice. It might as well be Sandler’s “this movie is 100% human shit” acting voice. It’s about the only accent he can muster these days and he’s used it in several other films and really it’s hard to imagine why I used to like this guy so much when I watch the things he willing does, produces, and pushes on the world. The movie Funny People pokes fun at Sandler for making shit movies by coming up with fake shit movies his character has appeared in. Why didn’t they just show the actual shitty movies he has appeared in and just called him Adam Sandler in that movie? I remember seeing the movie Click in theaters and staring at the screen in silent horror like I was watching a war crimes trial. Every line of dialogue and scene left me feeling like I was recovering from head trauma. That movie was horrid and it’s one of many. And here’s another… this time with Andy Samberg!

Well, today’s post ended on a downer.

But… there is always goodness found somewhere to cheer up our day… like…

Lea Michelle’s breasts being smashed together for our viewing pleasure.

Thank you, Lea.

Thank you, everyone.

Part 2 tomorrow…

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5 Responses to “KSWI’s June Movie Previews: C-C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!!!! – part 1”

  1. tiffanized said

    For the first time since you’ve been doing monthly movie review posts I think I’m going to see at least one of those movies. Probably Bel Ami, because it’s in the by laws of the Twilight fandom to see every movie Ron Patterson is in even (especially) if it looks horrifyingly bad.

    I was watching a promo for Rock of Ages where Tom Cruise was talking about needing a monkey or something and I lost all desire to see it. And I hate musicals, except for my two favorite movies which are somehow both musicals. I’ll just wait and Netflix it and fast forward to all the parts with Russell Brand in them.

  2. You won’t be seeing Rock of Ages on your birthday because you’ll be seeing That’s My Boy SURPRISE I GOT YOU TICKETS HAPPY ALMOST 30TH!!!!

  3. OOOOOhhhhh, Bel Ami! Rob at his “you-will-drop-your-panties-when-I-smolder-at-you-with-my-beautiful-sexy-eyes-and-murmur-fake-words-of-love-with-my-red, pouty-kissable-lips” best…

    oh,yes, I will watch this many times for the same reasons you will watch every KStew movie… I need to make a map of his freckles so that I will be prepared to play the “connect-the-dots” game…with my mouth…should the opportunity ever arrive…

  4. nixhaw said

    Well, that all doesn’t look too awful, does it?

  5. rohit g said

    ohoooh really,..nicezz i dnt knw that

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