KSWI’s June Movie Previews: C-C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!!!! – part 2
May 23, 2012
I woke up today to the sound of BUZZ SAWS! In my attempt to keep sleeping, my dream turned the BUZZ SAWS sound of BUZZ SAWING into the more pleasant sound of a VUVUZELA! Do you remember those? From 2010, the sound of a bee army coming out of a plastic trumpet? In my dream, I was chasing a man who had stolen something I suppose (not my heart) and he was running from me all the while going BAAAAAAAANNNNNHHHH!!!!! on his VUVUZELA! If you’re wondering, “did this work and you got to keep sleeping?” NO! NO IT DID NOT WORK. All it did was confuse the fuck out of me because I thought VUVUZELAS were being blown outside of my house instead of just some good ole’ BUZZ SAWS cutting wood for another fucking house being built.
Also, I woke up with the honor of having an enormous headache, so there’s that.
Let’s talk these fucking fucked the fuck up motherfucking fuck films of fucking June…
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER
My sixth sense tells me this movie will be unfortunately bad. I’ll see it though. How could I not?! The title alone is worthy of at least $8. There are a lot of shitty movies that come out with great titles, but they’re not usually given the Hollywood treatment of having special effects budgets and good directors attached to the movie. The director of this movie is Timur Bekmambetov who directed the terrible movie Wanted, but did direct two really great movies in Night Watch and Day Watch. Maybe those Watch movies were flukes. Who knows, but I love those two movies and am willing to see this movie because it sounds like it could be amazing. I feel like it will be stupid. The trailers do not inspire a hell of a lot of confidence. For some reason, most of it looks like it is on the same production level as an episode of Buffy. TV is ok for TV, but a movie should look better than a TV show. Nothing in the trailer really has that pop that says this is a movie and not just a TV show that existed in the 90’s for teen programming. The acting also looks nothing special in the least and they’ve stayed pretty far away from showing any real acting in the trailers. So far the movie has – a great title, a decent premise, TV level action, and no acting. I’ve lowered my expectations dramatically for this movie, but I’ll see it.
Also, I blame Tim Burton for a lot of the problems indirectly. Timur’s two great movies happened before he met Tim Burton. And since he has produced a few movies with Timur that have sucked (n9ne or whatever that shit was) and I believe it is Burton’s shittiness rubbing off on Timur.
I’ll see it.
As mentioned, this movie looks oddly the same as the Snow White movie especially with the two coming out in the same month. So, Pixar gets into the princesses who kick ass business completely stealing Disneys schtick for the past 20 years. In this one, a bunch of ginger royals amidst extras from Braveheart will go on a search to fight an evil thingamajig as well as track down the ginger princess who has ridden off into the wilderness to fight and defeat said evil thingamajig. The greatest gender stereotype involved in this movie is that chicks love bow and arrows. Obviously, everyone remembers Katniss from The Hunger Games. But for years upon years, chicks have been doing it with bows. I don’t know if you know this ladies, but if there is a female character in some fantasy based videogame than there is a crazy high probability that she uses a bow and arrow as her weapon of choice. Basically what I’m getting at, all women have a natural proclivity towards archery and if you have not honed your own instinctual skills as a female bow & arrow master then you really are a disappointment to your sex. I’m just saying you’re a failure everyday that you’re not out there becoming the next Green Arrow or Hawkeye or whatever because I think it has to do with having a natural balance because you don’t have balls hanging about, you have a vagina that keeps that business compact and easier to balance your… … or maybe it’s because stretching a bow is a lot like stretching open a vagina… … or you’re really good at aiming and releasing long shafts (arrows aka penises) from your stretchy vagina (bow)… hmmm… whatever the case may be! I’m not a woman, so I don’t know why you’re so good at archery, but you are. Anyway, Brave is a Pixar movie and it looks pretty good.
Either way, the main chick’s younger siblings kind of look like Will Arnet and Amy Poehler’s kids.
SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD
It’s been a hot minute since I saw a movie with Keira Knightley in it. I’ll see this movie as well.
It looks quirky and funny and has a pretty high concept, but seems doable. I think Steve Carell is an all around good actor with the tears and the jokes and I remember what it’s like to watch Keira act. What I’m hoping for is that Keira and Steve don’t end up banging in this movie. It’s just a simple request. It looks like a good movie where they share their hopes and dreams and try to help each other because the world is ending and all that, but if at some point they’re sticking their genitals in each other then I’ll think this movie is a bit contrived. I don’t know why exactly, but I’ll feel that way. I feel like it might happen though. There’s long standing tradition with Steve in movies that he plays a character who has not put his erect dillywhacker inside any of the holes of a woman in a long while and before the 2 hours of this film is up we’re all rooting for him to do it and honestly it kind of freaks me out. It was ok once and maybe twice, but it’s kind of the focus of most of his movies. It’s creepy. I have seen Steve Carell in more sex scenes or scenes about him having sex than I have with any number of fucking hot as fuck actresses whose entire careers should be just that. So, I’m hoping this movie will not simply be about that the world is ending and he’s going to get his dilsnick stuck in Keira Knightley because of it.
It does look pretty funny though.
TO ROME WITH LOVE
Not seeing this most likely. I know, I know. Midnight in Paris was great, but that doesn’t mean this will be. Actually, the likelihood that Midnight in Paris would be as good as it was was almost next to nothing judging by Woody’s recent track record. Prior to Midnight in Paris, the last good Woody Allen movie in my opinion was probably Small Time Crooks from 2000, but the last GREAT Woody Allen film was from 1999 and that was Sweet and Lowdown. If you never saw Sweet and Lowdown then go see that movie. Especially go see that movie if you think you like Woody Allen and tell people as such because you saw Annie Hall, Match Point, and Midnight in Paris and that’s it. Woody comes out with a movie almost every year and most of them have sucked. It’s been a long while since he was on a streak of good movies. This movie looks more like one of the forgettable Woody Allen films than Midnight in Paris. Honestly, the best part of Midnight in Paris wasn’t Owen Wilson or any of the modern day stuff. The best part was the old timey stuff because it was a love letter to things that Woody loves. Those are usually Woody’s best movies are ones where he is paying tribute to something that inspired him. His storylines and plots have been take it or leave it and his use of most actors has been take it or leave it, but when he seems to be honoring something he truly cares about then it works out pretty well. To Rome with Love … it looks like a lot of shit he’s made. At the same time, I can’t speak for all of you. I didn’t like Vicky, Christina, Barcelona and not that this movie is going to be that, but there are people who did like that movie.
It’s got a great cast, but his movies always do. You see it if you want; I’ll be skeptical and probably not see it.
G.I. JOE RETALIATION
If anyone is going to rescue a movie franchise – it’s THE ROCK!
I don’t know how THE ROCK did it, but last year’s Fast and Furious movie FAST FIVE was incredible and I give all the credit to THE ROCK. I don’t know if it was just him being there on set making everyone on top of their game or if he was in the back helping edit the movie or giving direction off camera or if he physically threatened everyone with obscene violence to not fuck up another Fast and Furious movie… but it worked. I’m not saying that THE ROCK will make G.I. Joe Retaliation a good movie because it looks awful, but if anyone can make it a good movie it would be THE ROCK. The first G.I. Joe movie looks like one of the worst movies in the history of movies and this movie looks terrible in its own right, but I bet it’s better than the first. Why? THE ROCK! Also, because the director – Jon M. Chu – is both not Stephen Sommers (one of the worst directors of all time forever of all time) and he is the director of the Step Up movies and Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never. This Asian gentleman knows how to make a visually ridiculous and fun movie, so I have some faith in him. Why not? A guy who directs dance movies will now direct the G.I. Joe reboot? Honestly Hollywood, why the fuck not at this point? Throw THE ROCK in there for good measure. Can’t be worse than the first.
Yes. I will not see this movie, but YES.
This is exactly the movie that Channing Tatum should be making. He’s a male stripper. SOLD! Exactly. No need for a script or anything. Channing’s best work was in the Step Up movies anyway, so just escalate that to an R rating and have him as a male stripper. Makes all the fucking sense in the world to me. Who else? Matthew McConaughey and that British kid from the teen movies? Fuck yeah. Throw them in there too. It makes fucking sense. If none of them are going to get better as actors, but at the same time keep a tight 8 pack of abs then make them strippers. I get it. The only REAL problem is that this movie is directed by Steven Soderbergh which means IT WILL BE DIRECTED BY STEVEN SODERBERGH. For those not in the know, this movie will be awkward and slow with no reason for either. That’s what the guy does – awkward and slow whether it needs to be or not. I like Soderbergh’s ideas better than his deliveries. He’s made a few good ones in the mix, but they’re mostly bad with good intentions. I’ve never met Steven Soderbergh, but I get the feeling he is awkward and slow. Who knows? But that’s what his movies are. I expect that to be the same with this movie where Channing Tatum plays a male stripper. Channing himself is awkward and slow enough, but he’s got a muscled out body and he is a great dancer, so there’s that. I’m sure it will be a great movie for straight women and gay men who like to get wet in theaters.
PEOPLE LIKE US
Does this sound interesting to you?
A man (Chris Pine) is tasked with delivering $150,000 of his deceased father’s fortune to the sister (Elizabeth Banks) he has never met. She also has a kid. And Michelle Pfeiffer plays Pine’s mom and Olivia Wilde plays Pine’s girlfriend.
Do you want to see that movie? If your answer is yes then watch the trailer above because IT’S THE FUCKING MOVIE. That trailer shows you everything that happens in that movie in chronological order in a succinct music video highlight reel. I just saved you 2 hours and $10. If you don’t want to see that movie then don’t watch the trailer and forget any of this happened.
TAKE THIS WALTZ
I’ll pretty much see any movie with Seth Rogen in it. Add onto that Sarah Silverman, Michelle Williams without a British accent, and that it’s all made by Sarah Polley and I’m going to ride this train into whatever tiny theater is playing it. It looks good. Michelle is married to Seth, but she starts to fall in love with the guy in the wife beater she’s riding a carnival ride with at the bottom of the poster. That’s the long and short of it. Knowing Sarah Polley and indie films, there probably won’t be a happy ending, which will be all Debbie Downer, but it should be good. Another decent looking June film if you can find it playing somewhere.
TYLER PERRY’S MADEA’S WITNESS PROTECTION
Go fuck yourself.
And that’s June movies!
Not that bad like I mentioned in the beginning of this journey. It looks a lot better than May did and as a whole it looks better than July. But… July has THE DARK KNIGHT RISES which will be the greatest movie since THE DARK KNIGHT which was the greatest movie since FIGHT CLUB which was the greatest movie since BERRY GORDY’S THE LAST DRAGON which was the greatest movie since THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY which was the greatest movie ever made. So, there’s that.
What you got?!