Thank You, Cannes Fashion Festival, For Stewart Sideboob

May 30, 2012

Things could be worse, Wednesday!

I wouldn’t say I’m HAPPY at the moment, but I’m about to show pictures of Kristen Stewart’s sideboob, so I really can’t complain about the wondrous life we all lead. Sure, I woke up to the noise of a jackhammer this morning, went to sleep at 3am because that’s the regular nowadays, almost had a panic attack last night, nearly choked to death laughing at Workaholics, and who knows what else. First world problems, I suppose. But let’s talk about sideboobs.

Sideboobs make everything better for everyone and it’s the cure all that we all collectively need as a people.

FUCK YEAH!

What the fuck pussy nonsense was I rambling about before? Oh I stubbed my toe and sometimes my dog doesn’t lick my face when I ask it too… WHAT A LAME-O!

EYES ON THE FUCKING PRIZE, MY FRIEND (ME)! THAT’S KRISTEN STEWART’S SIDEBOOB SAYING…

GOD BLESS THE U.S. OF TITT-TAY!

AM I FUCKING RIGHT?!

WOOOOO!!!!

Feeling good. Feeling better.

That was an unexpected treat from Cannes Film Festival which is I believe a month to 6 months or could possibly be a year long celebration every year because there are 1 BILLION pictures that are on the internet from this week alone at Cannes.

What is Cannes Film Festival?

It’s really an elaborate circle-jerk for greasy Europeans. They’re greasy because they’re covered in Sun tan lotion and only wearing banana hammocks if anything at all on the beaches. It at one time was a film festival I suppose, but at least since the dawn of the internet paparazzi pages, Cannes is a week long fashion show for celebrities who appear to change outfits every 3 hours and group themselves for potential 900 pictures photo ops.

Also, it is the perfect week for people who are not of the same “caliber” of celebrity for them to literally whore themselves around and get a gazillion pictures of themselves. The traveling circus of photographers who need to capture every single strand of Jessica Chastain’s hair on celluloid as she pitches a movie shot 3 years ago and no one will ever see, they will also be happy to take pictures of nude models like Kelly Brook strutting around in sheer bikinis and twirling for the cameras on an hourly schedule as if she was the fountain’s water dance at the Bellagio. It’s incredible.

The movies? The movies are completely hit or miss. Nothing that is popular at Cannes or is disliked at Cannes means anything in the long run because they have liked horrible movies and they have disliked great movies. It’s unimportant. The PG prostitution is what matters most. Does anyone really care what drunk, date-rapist, relics of the European film community really care about American movies made by their ex-patriots? I don’t. You shouldn’t.

But… we got this though…

GOOD LORD.

This is a much more acceptable outfit for the movie Twilight – before and after Kristen being a vampire. After Edward waited 100 plus years to have sex with a lady, the “lady” he first wanted to have sex with was a frumpy outcast piece of jailbait in his science class. REALLY? It took you 100 years for your own natural viagra to kick in and what got you going was your lab partner who apparently can blend into wallpaper? That’s disconcerting. But if Bella or Kristen Stewart was strutting around that back woodsy vampire town dressed in this sideboob special with the devil red gown attached then I would understand why the virgin sparklepeen was now looking for action.

I was so compelled by these pictures of Kristen Stewart allowing not only her face, but her body to want IT that I watched the first half of the movie “Welcome to the Rileys” last night.

Yep.

First and foremost, it’s pretty good so far. It’s more or less a Lifetime movie at this point, but it’s pretty good.

The storyline is sort of interesting with James Gandolfini and Melissa Leo being in a marriage that is slowly in freefall. Gandolfini has been having an affair with a waitress for the past 4 years and suddenly she dies. Gandolfini is broken and goes on a business trip to New Orleans where he finds himself wondering away from his business group and ends up at a shady strip club where Kristen Stewart works. Stewart offers Gandolfini all sorts of HJs, BJs, ZJs and instead of taking any of them Gandolfini decides he’ll start taking care of Stewart as if she is the living embodiment of his daughter who probably died in a car crash years earlier. Oh yeah, it seems like Gandolfini and Leo had a daughter and she’s dead, but they haven’t said exactly why or how, but she’s dead and their marriage is probably so shitty because of that. Leo has become agoraphobic over it and Gandolfini is now paying Stewart’s rent and fixing her apartment and trying to teach her how to properly live her life and she’s kind of clueless as to why this man is doing this. When I stopped watching, Leo has forced herself out of the house for the first time in what must be years to try and track down Gandolfini in NOLA. Meanwhile, it appears that Gandolfini and Stewart will get into an argument in a matter of moments probably about what Gandolfini’s motivation is.

The two best things in the movie are easily the amount of Kristen Stewart butt you see. You get to see a good amount of it. She’s always partially clothed, but her butt seems to have a lot of free reign and enjoys a breeze or two on it.

The second best thing is Kristen Stewart’s potty mouth. This chick is swearing up a blue streak and talking dirty sex no matter the question or circumstance.

Yeah! You! You with the cleavage all of a sudden for the first time ever… you’ve got a potty mouth.

Look at some of the dialogue they have this lady spewing…

“I came here with this guy and he kept trying to stick it in my fucking ass and I was like yo, pencil dick back the fuck up and he wouldn’t! I went to piss and I came back out and my wallet’s sitting on the bed and all my shit is everywhere and his car’s gone and all I’ve got is fucking shoes and like, I’m out 900 bucks!”

Jeebus, Stewart! You kiss Rob Pattinson with that mouth?

Probably the best line is this one…

“Like hello! Like I have private parts.”

That you do, K-Stew. That you do.

And while we’re on the subject of dialogue… who the fuck is writing this nonsense?

It’s pretty good as mentioned. I’m guessing everything goes a little haywire whenever Melissa Leo shows up and probably all the Gandolfini shenanigans is explained to Stewart and why he’s treating her like his daughter all of a sudden instead of being treated like a hooker like she’s used to and for whatever reason slightly prefers.

But damn it, Stewart looks good in this dress…

What’s the sexiness level at? Yeah?

You want me to take it up a notch with this dillhole?

BOOM!

Hand on the hip, pop that ass out a little more, expose a little more sideboob…

Hell of a way to make a living.

Either way, I hope it doesn’t sound like I don’t love the undoubtedly out of touch creeps who run Cannes Film Festival because if it weren’t for them then there would be no Kristen Stewart sideboob, no Kelly Brook in sheer bikinis… well there would be, but not 5 galleries in one week… and no way of knowing which indie films to judge more critically because a bunch of French perverts were fans of it.

God bless Sideboob…

God bless Film…

God bless everyone…

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3 Responses to “Thank You, Cannes Fashion Festival, For Stewart Sideboob”

  1. PWG said

    Glorious post*, sorry I’ve been AWOL even though I don’t know what the proper procedure even IS for getting my A L’d should it come to that. I’m able to comment because I’m waiting at my kid’s dentist office while he gets his teeth drilled because I’m a poor brushing supervisor.

    But that’s the bad news, the good news is we hired a new boss of me at work and in a month I get to go back to doing one job instead of two of them, so I can stalk better. Let’s all hope he’s not a total dick, while we’re out asking the universe for things, shall we? I mean we can hope for more side boob on our wonderful planet too, but save a little Want for me to get a good new boss since because of poor life choices my job is NOT strutting around Cannes with my lady parts airing out.

  2. Smile, dammit! Jesus Christ, if I looked that hot in a dress, I’d be grinning like a moron and would never stop. Anyway… her mysteriously-appearing boobies do look nice.

  3. Those are still not “boobies”; more like “bumpies” or “lumpies”….
    she just does not have a generous bosom, be real here! also, they used too much dark blusher under her cheekbones, she looks like she’s sucking in her cheeks-she has perfect facial bone structure, leave it alone!!

    but yes, i do love that dress and it matches her lipstick perfectly! i hope it had staying power, as Rob was all over her at the after party….(the lipstick, friends, i meant the lipstick, not the dress!)

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