Happy Tuesday, party boys and party girls!

I still feel sick, but I’m beginning to think that this is just what the rest of my life will be like. The dirty 30’s will be a period of never-ending sniffling and hacking up a substance most reminiscent of Slimer from the Ghostbusters. Whatever. The only downside is that I don’t feel like drinking alcohol when I’m sick. For some that’s a positive, but for me sadly that is a negative. I actually think to myself, “Ugh, it would suck to be drunk right now”. WHAT’S THE POINT OF LIVING IF THAT’S WHAT I’M THINKING?! Well, that’s a philosophical question for another day.

TODAY! Today, I will talk about the movies of June and I will preview them in that way that I do where I doubt you get a better understanding of what the movie is more so you get a better understanding of my disdain for it, my sexual attraction to the cast or the small chance that I will enjoy the movie.

First thing first about June and what the title of this post is referring to… JUNE’S MOVIES LOOK PRETTY FUCKING GOOD! Can you fucking believe it? I can’t! I CAN’T! It feels like forever since I’ve actually been excited about a month of movies. I’m not saying these will be the best movies ever or anything, but looking at this slate of 17 movies I will preview between today and tomorrow – June doesn’t look half bad at all. It actually looks like it might be half good. I can’t think of a month in recent memory where I’m genuinely excited about half of the movies or around half and then the other half don’t make me want to actually KILL ALL OF HOLLYWOOD. I think I’m even semi-ok with the bad movies that are coming out this month, which includes the first movie of the month…

PIRANHA 3DD

BOOBS! FISH KILLING PEOPLE! MORE BOOBS! MORE FISH TEETH TEARING THROUGH HUMAN FLESH! BOOOOOOOOBS! THIS MOVIE WILL CREATE THE WEIRDEST BONERS EVER!

I didn’t see the first Piranha 3D and I won’t see this one either. What’s point? The only part of the movie I care about is the boobs and if there is any even slightly famous chick getting topless in this movie then it will be on celeb picture sites with-in a half second of this movie hitting theaters. As for fish killing people, I’m not as interested in that as some may think. Plus I hate 3D. I HATE IT! I keep saying _____ is the last 3D movie I’ll ever see, but I end up seeing others and never enjoy them. I’m making my stance though that Avengers will have been the last 3D movie I see that isn’t at the very least a specifically 3D movie. Probably the best 3D movie was Jackass 3D and I’ve seen it in 2D and it works just as well.

So… if you saw Piranha 3D then you should be ashamed of yourself and you should also go see the sequel because they literally made this sequel JUST FOR YOU and not a single other person.

SNOW WHITE & THE HUNTSMAN

Yep.

What does she want? IT! When does she want? NOW! WHAT DOES SHE WANT?! IT!!!!! WHEN DOES SHE WANT IT?!!! NOW!!!!!!

Kristen Archibald Jameson Chenowerth Stewart has a new movie coming out and she’s not a vampire in it. Thank Heaven’s Saint Christopher’s Day of Tuesday, I can go see this movie to continue the prophecy that has been laid before me of seeing the movies that this wunderkind stars in. I have talked about this movie before many times and I’ll just say that I’m interested in seeing this. But beyond that, I don’t really know what to expect about the actually “goodness” this movie will have. It looks a little like Russel Crowe’s Robin Hood meets forest magic. Actually, this almost looks like a live action version in some ways of the Pixar movie Brave that is coming out later. Princess runs through the forest fighting with mystical creatures and has to defeat something in the end and they both have forced accents. Why is Snow White faux-British? I guess it’s because they cast a South African and an Australian and an American who fucks an Englishman, so might as well have everyone speak the Queen’s. Right? Right!

I think the movie itself will be OK or tolerable. I’m not really expecting much from this movie. In the end, it is an ill-advised retelling of Snow White for no apparent reason. I’m not sure if it is just how they directed the trailers or if it is an indication of how the movie is, but it appears Charlize might have more screen time than anyone or maybe her scenes are the only watchable ones. Who knows? But all the advertising makes me think the movie should be called The Evil Queen… & Thor Throwing Axes At No One, but that could be because the storyline is so lunatic with the magical creatures in the forest that they can’t show any of Kristen Stewart’s scenes. Who knows? But I get the feeling that the movie trailers really aren’t representing what the movie’s experience will be like correctly. Maybe I’m just paranoid. Either way, we’ll have to see. I’m seeing it. Oh right, isn’t there an evil prince in this movie too and he is no where to be found in any of the posters or anything anymore.

Whatever. I’m just hoping that Kristen Stewart stabs Charlize Theron to death with that knife and/or the glass shard from the mirror, mirror idea I had all those many months ago. Speaking of, it can’t be worse than Mirror, Mirror was. I vomited every time I saw a TV commercial for that piece of shit. I could smell its shittiness through my TV.

BEL AMI

Out of the ____ and into the ______. Bel Ami aka I Swear To You, Kristen, I Didn’t Cheat On You With Christina Ricci Or Uma Thurman Or Colm Meaney. Yes, it has arrived! The movie that will end all other… who am I kidding? This movie has been available for download for a month now which is never a good sign. There are maybe 10 movies in the history of all movies that have been available to download before they came out in the theaters that were worth watching and Robbles wasn’t in any of them. 1. was Taken and 2. was Goon and 3 – 10 you need to figure out on your own I suppose. In what has to be the 300th time this movie has been made, a British dude and/or a dude with a British accent has sex with a bunch of women of different ages and with a thinly veiled storyline sewn through. I imagine most of the movie goes like this…

Rob enters.

A female in a floor length gown stands by the window gazing out. She turns at the sound of Rob entering. Her bosom is on full display and she is breathing heavily as if she is gasping for air after running a 40 yard dash at Mile High stadium in Denver, Colorado.

Rob – “Is everything alright, my lady?”

Female – “It’s just-

The female holding back from hysterics tries to hide a single tear with her stoicism.

Female – “… my husband…”

Rob rushes to her side. Rob puts his left hand on her waist and gently touches her cheek with back of his fingertips from his right hand like a wierdo.

Rob – “I am here.”

The two then have sex on the four poster, canopy bed.

– end scene –

The next scene will be a bit of pillow talk and Rob will excuse himself to get dressed and then suddenly enter another room where that happens over and over again.

Will I see this movie? Not unless a Jihadist splinter cell captures me and decides to torture me using Amazon OnDemand’s streaming network to watch this from a personal computer with wifi. Will you see it? Maybe. I don’t know how much of a release this will get, but I’m sure a book club, wine club, women’s to do club will have a wonderful time watching Rob hump these women who may sporadically pop a nipple for everyone’s viewing pleasure. I would like to add that with how awful hygiene was at any point in history pre-1950’s America that those people in real life would have had genitals covered in STDs and most likely rotting off in someway or another. FACTS!

MADAGASCAR 3

From genital rot to a movie that I imagine is as painful to watch as having rotting genitals, Madagascar 3! Let me make this real simple for you:

Have you seen Madagascar 1? Have you seen Madagascar 2?

If you answer no to those questions and you haven’t recently reproduced a child since the last Madagascar then you don’t need to see it.

If you have seen the previous movies and you like them then honestly there is no reason you shouldn’t see this one… that is unless you want to grow up and be an adult at some point. But with how idiotic everyone is in the world what’s the point of growing up anymore?

Also, I’m pretty sure there are actual cannibals on the island of Madagascar. I wonder if that is ever addressed in the movie.

PROMETHEUS

WAAAAAANNNHHH!!!! WAAAAAANNNHHH!!! WAAAANNNNHHH!!!! WAAAAAANNNNHHH!! I WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!! WAANNH!! I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT THIS SIREN NOISE IS SO PLEASURABLE TO MY EARS!!! WAANNH!! I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED TO SEE THIS MOTHERFUCKING MOVIE!!! WAAANNHH!!! GET IT IN ME!!! GET!! IT!! IN!! ME!! WAAAANNHH!!!

I really think this movie will be quite good. I don’t know if it will have a similar impact on the American psyche the way Alien did, but it looks like it will be quite enjoyable. It can’t be worse than Alien 3 or Alien 4. I really think it will be entertaining and enjoyable. It looks pretty wild and I feel like what we’ve seen in the movie is kind of the tip of the iceberg and not the whole iceberg the way some people are fearing. It’s funny that people think the posters and such are revealing way too much of the movie, but I trust that Ridley Scott isn’t half-assing his job and knows what to release image wise and what not to to still leave for quite a lot of shock and awe in the theater. Literally, the movie has shown like one second of footage of a big alien monster guy smashing someone into a wall in their ship. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that’s not all that monster guy gets into. I feel like there should be pretty intense stuff in this film.

I’m seeing this movie and I can’t fucking wait.

SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED

I’m also thoroughly looking forward to this movie as well. It looks more or less like a quirky romantic comedy between Mark Duplass and Aubrey Plaza based on the true story of a guy posting that wanted ad in a newspaper. The movie is about a small documentary film unit who goes and finds Duplass the time traveler and are hoping to gain his confidence by using the ever-enticing Aubrey Plaza. It looks funny and as mentioned quirky with probably a few quiet heart warming and slightly saddening lonesome moments. I’m excited for this movie not only because of the interesting subject matter, but I’m a fan of Duplass and Plaza. I watch FX’s The League which Duplass is on and he makes a ton of independent films that I do not necessarily see, but I support his creativity. As for Plaza, I watch and love Parks and Recreations and as a heterosexual man I find her to be attractive in all the correct areas of my body. So, it’s kind of one of those good ole fashioned thingamajigs … win-win situation. I hope this gets a big release, so that we all can watch it because honestly I think we all could use a quirky comedy right about now.

ROCK OF AGES

If you can think of a single reason not to be interested in this movie then I will be shocked. A beloved Broadway musical in which the music is 80’s pop hair metal. And it features one time resident of Glen Ridge, New Jersey and high school graduate of Glen Ridge, New Jersey… the one… the only… Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. Also known as…

TOM FUCKING CRUISE

I’m just saying that this movie looks like it will be entertaining as fuck for the whole fucking family.

It also comes out my birthday. I don’t know if I’m going to see it on my birthday. We’ll have to broach that hurdle when we reach it, but I will see it.

It would be so nice to end on this high note. To end on this string of movies. To not add a single other movie to this list because the movie I’m going to add next to this list of previews will leave a sour taste in your mouth, but maybe that’s what we all deserve. Maybe we all deserve it to remind us to never let this happen again. To remind us with the good of movies like Prometheus there is also the utter horrid atrocities like the next movie…

THAT’S MY BOY

Adam Sandler is to white people what Tyler Perry is to white people.

I cannot believe people think that Adam Sandler is still funny or at the very least think shit like this movie is funny. It seems like the perfect movie though to highlight how annoying two annoying comics can be by having them appear together and related in this bullshit. For those of you still seeing these types of movies like The Three Stooges and probably the upcoming and completely unfunny looking Ted, there is of course a half-assed and completely by the numbers new shitty Adam Sandler movie. For awhile there, it seemed like Adam Sandler was cool having Rob Schneider act in the shitty movies that Sandler produced, but overtime Sandler decided to get in on this embarrassing action. I guess why not. If a movie studio is so stupid to pay for these movies to be made then why not make them? But it looks fucking awful.

I think the best part of how awful this movie looks or I should say sounds is Sandler’s voice. It might as well be Sandler’s “this movie is 100% human shit” acting voice. It’s about the only accent he can muster these days and he’s used it in several other films and really it’s hard to imagine why I used to like this guy so much when I watch the things he willing does, produces, and pushes on the world. The movie Funny People pokes fun at Sandler for making shit movies by coming up with fake shit movies his character has appeared in. Why didn’t they just show the actual shitty movies he has appeared in and just called him Adam Sandler in that movie? I remember seeing the movie Click in theaters and staring at the screen in silent horror like I was watching a war crimes trial. Every line of dialogue and scene left me feeling like I was recovering from head trauma. That movie was horrid and it’s one of many. And here’s another… this time with Andy Samberg!

Well, today’s post ended on a downer.

But… there is always goodness found somewhere to cheer up our day… like…

Lea Michelle’s breasts being smashed together for our viewing pleasure.

Thank you, Lea.

Thank you, everyone.

Part 2 tomorrow…

Happy Monday!

I am awake. I don’t really feel like I’m awake, but I am. I’m on the tail end of this sickness it seems, but the changes in weather from hot and sunny 75 on Saturday to cold and rainy shit factory of British design today. I feel like it rains more in the Summer now than it ever did in my childhood. I don’t know if that is true in the least, but maybe I notice it more now. I also know that we’re not technically in Summer yet because that doesn’t start until late June, but we’re days away from Memorial Day and that’s the fucking Summer. People don’t flock to the beach for Spring, they get vomity drunk on a sweltering hot desert bordered by a human waste filled ocean while lathered in a chemical bath of SPF and hot dog toppings.

Anyway… what do I know?! I’m no weatherologist!

I am a wantologist and a generally good future predict-er when it comes to movies Box Offices. I overestimated my numbers, but I nailed the sentiment that people wouldn’t see shit except for Avengers which would make around another $50 million and that Battleship would sink. Of course, that wasn’t too hard to predict.

While we discuss the box office failures that are engineered entirely by Hollywood and yet they’ll somehow blame us, the passive consumer, for it… and I watched John Carter last night, so I’ll talk about that too…

Let’s take a look at some of they hot bitches or not hot bitches or some might not even be actual bitches, but they be bitches because they were all at the Billboard Music Awards last night.

Hello, pretty lady.

This is the type of dress I like and I don’t understand. What I like about what Julianne Hough is wearing is that it looks like she’s wearing the most expensive towel ever after getting out of the shower. If Linens & Things or Bed, Bath, & Beyond offered shimmery diamond sequined towels to walk around the house in post whore’s bath then this is exactly what the poster for that product should look like. Julianne is a delicate flower, so delicate that she only trusts her delicacy around gay men, which is a pretty good idea I would think. At one time, princesses were guarded by eunuch slaves and now they are taken around town by famous closeted homosexuals. It’s really quite the evolution.

And I do want to see Rock of Ages. I’m a Tom Cruise fan. Cole Trickle for life!

The Swift!

Looking pretty great. It looks like something someone would wear in a movie like something Hester Prynne would be “forced” to wear in a futuristic reimagining of The Scarlet Letter. I feel like Taylor is trying though. Trying to bust through this shy girl shell that couldn’t be anymore fabricated. There’s got to be a 75% chance she’s had sex with both Don Juan John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhall or something of a similar spelling. But there is a 100% “chance” that both have just whipped their dongs out in front of her, maybe at the same time, so let’s stop with all the collar button ups and show some skin, Taylor.

Carrie Underwood is a sexy storm cloud.

So, let’s talk…

BATTLESHIP’S FAILURE

Some say the movie cost upwards of $300 million. Which strangely enough is becoming a norm. Movies are well exceeding this $200 million budget that used to be the top of the tops. It’s ridiculous. Do computers cost that much? Isn’t CGI something we’ve been doing for 20+ years now. What the fuck costs so much? Shouldn’t they be able to outsource the CGI to China and get it for nothing or something. Shouldn’t there be an overwhelming surplus of computer animators at this point who should be making zilch as freelancers because everything else in every market is flooded with people and driving the price down to nothing.

Either way, this movie looked horrible. No matter how brilliant of a red or yellow explosion one can be, it doesn’t make the movie look any less horrible. I’m amazed more than anything that people still think we literally just want to see explosions. Explosions have been around since the 80’s and only have gone more nutso since then. I can’t imagine people literally just want to see explosions.

Battleship did have aliens! Aliens that looked and acted almost identical to some of the lesser than Transformers and at the same time had absolutely nothing to do with Battleship the dumbass board game.

But I digress… America spoke! America spoke loud and clear! With just about $25.3 million in ticket sales this movie is a disgusting failure. The funny thing is that almost no other business in the world would be disgusted by $25.3 million in sales over 3 days, but that is how absurd the movie industry is. That’s how fucked up the movie industry is. $25 million in 3 days is a FAILURE! A HUGE FAILURE! Doesn’t that show how fucking stupid the movie industry is and how not a single one of them has any understanding about good and bad investments in the least. Seriously? You can’t make anything, but a huge failure with $25 million? Then you run the absolute worst business in the history of businesses.

Meanwhile, fuck foreigners. If you are sitting here and thinking to yourself – I can’t believe enough stupid Americans went and saw $25 million worth of Battleship then how about this… Overseas in a couple weeks time Battleship has made over $200 million. WHAT THE FUCK, FOREIGNERS! Aren’t Americans supposed to be so stupid and spend our money so frivolously but you’re the ones seeing Battleship?!

Yeah, she’s getting hotter. A good investment was to get on Jordin Sparks back when the internet was calling her chubby, but she was good looking back then. Then she goes Jennifer Hudson and turns herself into a swimsuit model. That’s a good investment. That’s like buying shares in Google back when it wasn’t in the three figures shares wise.

Amazingly, Taylor Kitsch has been in two movies that have cost about the same amount of money and then failed with about the same amount of ferocity.

John Carter made more than Battleship by $5 million in America, and again made well over $200 million overseas because those people are fucking incorrigible.

I watched John Carter last night and it was meh. This picture of Jordin Sparks gave me much more of a visceral reaction than any moment in the 2 hours of John Carter.

Nope.

Maybe this is a bad angle. Can you really see her boobs prominently in another angle?

Katy what the fuck are you doing with yourself. Did you completely forget what got you to the point that people would take your picture in the first place at the Billboard Music Awards… it’s your boobs and the cleavagey pictures they can produce.

Also, your face looks like you got gang raped by Icee machine.

Good Lord, Brandy.

Wasn’t there an article written about her where she said she hadn’t had sex in 6 or more years. Dressed like that, I imagine that streak ended last night.

John Carter definitely wasn’t a bad movie. I kid you not. It wasn’t bad. It just wasn’t good either.

It had all the makings for a good movie. Honestly, the CGI looks a lot better in the movie than it does in the trailers. The movie itself is very quickly paced I thought. It didn’t really feel like two hours in a sense. The scenes move quickly and things happen and all that, but the big problem is… I couldn’t give a flying fuck about any of it.

It’s an amazing thing that the people who made John Carter did… they made a well-shot, well-paced, I guess decently acted, seemingly all around well-orchestrated movie… but you couldn’t give a flying fuck about any of it. There’s no meat to any of it.

Why are the humans in red bad? Because they are. Ok.

Why are the humans in blue good? Because they are. Ok.

Why are there these four armed ten foot tall green people with tusks who have babies that hatch out of eggs? Because they do. Ok.

Why… STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!

The red people are bad and the blue people are good and the green people are in the middle because some of them are good and some of them are bad. John Carter has super powers aka he can jump really high and with that he is going to kick the shit out of everyone including the grey people who are immortals except for the fact they can be shot and killed and they are not magical it’s all science, but they are magical because it’s not really science and oh right no one explains them either.

Who are the grey people and why are they there? Because they are! Ok!

I get that they explained what I imagine is a sliver of the actuality of the story, but none of the explanation matters because they don’t explain enough of it. They give us enough to be like well those guys are good because they are saying as much and those guys are bad because they are saying as much. Outside of that, you have no connection to them. The only thing that really is the difference between the red side and blue side is that the blue side has a hot princess that John Carter wants to bang and that’s supposed to be enough for us the viewer… meanwhile WE BARELY KNOW WHO THE FUCK JOHN CARTER IS.

I felt like I was watching the most well done storyboard animation ever. Like it was excellent for storyboards. And then someday later someone would go in and fill in the gaps where we are supposed to learn why we are supposed to care about what happens.

If the blue side didn’t have a pretty princess then no one would ever fucking care about the blue side. They do nothing at all that makes them likeable except for having one hot chick. Are you telling me there are no hot chicks on the red team? I call bullshit! I bet there are a ton of hot chicks on team red. Seriously, Dominic West is the bad guy of the red team and I’d imagine he wasn’t slumming it with uggles from the red zone.

What in the fuck is this?!

Anyway…

I thought John Carter was better as a whole I suppose than Cowboys & Aliens because I felt dumber after watching Cowboys & Aliens. That movie was bad. This movie John Carter just wasn’t good.

I take back any good thing I said about Miley Cyrus. Apparently, Miley had sex with Thor’s brother in the limo and decided not to get dressed again in her dress or underwear or anything and instead just threw on his double breasted white suit jacket. Nor did she fix her sex hair… Actually, I fucking love Miley. This awards show is for fucking horrible music and I didn’t know it was on and would never watch it even with a gun to my head, so at the very least Miley gave people something to write about because she looks fucking ridiculous.

Anyway…

I saw The Dictator as well this weekend.

It was good, not great. Definitely a bunch of funny moments, but overall it’s kind of half-hearted it feels like. It’s a bunch of absurd gags that are funny, but have no real attachment and then it culminates with the end of the movie moral moment which we all knew was coming in the first place. It takes a really smart comedian to make a comedy that is at points so stupid and pull it off as well as Sacha did. If you like Borat and Bruno than The Dictator is definitely worth a watch, but if you didn’t then go buy a sense of humor somewhere.

Game of Thrones was good in that way where it’s nothing like the book, but I somehow enjoy it. I don’t know. I wish the show was more like the book because I did enjoy the books, but at the same time I don’t care. Roose Bolton is one of the more entertaining elements of the book at this time and in the future books and he’s absolutely no where to be found or the character the way he is in the books is no where to be found. Same goes for his “bastard”. I do miss characters like the Reeds not being in these scenes and the under-use of the direwolves and plenty of stuff like that, but I still find the show good, entertaining and I’m excited for next week.

The best part of last night’s episode was Oona Chaplin’s ass and/or her stunt body double’s ass. Many online are guessing that she used a body double because they say (I haven’t researched it myself) that you never see Oona’s very pretty face in the same shot as the exceptional ass that was also featured last night. I wish that body doubles and all that wasn’t a thing. I bet Oona Chaplin has a nice ass. She’s beautiful with the clothes on and I doubt it gets worse with them off. As for the body double, I feel like they shouldn’t be the ass and tits ghost writers that they are and should get credit for what they have. I want to know who is the owner of that marvelous ass. Give credit where credit is due and such.

Veep gets funnier every episode and last night’s episode was hilarious.

Girls was another good episode filled with more awkward sex. Next week’s episode looks like it could be the best all season.

Mad Men was a good episode for those people who just want to see the two sexiest people on that show share screen time – Don and Joan – but I’m not a huge fan of their scenes together. They seem forced and fan servicing. They have almost no interaction in the rest of the show storyline wise, but everyone knows in real life we love the two of them, so they throw them together like they’re old chums who have been a half second from boning at every moment. It’s nice, but it feels forced in my opinion. Their scenes read like fan fiction and I’d rather see something else. Plus, it’s old hat getting Don in trouble with his wife. The rest of the episode was pretty zany, but more entertaining in my opinion with the Hare Krishna bullshit.

Anyway… whatever.

What did you do this weekend?!

Happy Friday!

I feel better than I did, but not good or great by any stretch of the imagination.

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, wishes, hopes, dreams, and all those inappropriate sexts you keep sending. Jeez ladies, leave something to the imagination.

I wanted to take a brief look at Elizabeth Warren today because I think this story is absolutely hilarious and I wanted to throw out my best guestimates of how this weekend of movies will play out…

Latter first…

I think the Avengers will rule the roost once again. I’m expecting them to make around another $40 million this weekend. The rest? Well, Dark Shadows didn’t make much and will make even less this weekend. The debuting movies are The Dictator and Battleship. I’m expecting less than $20 million for The Dictator and around $30 million for Battleship. It’s going to be a big flop-a-roo! I will be shocked and dismayed and disheartened if Battleship makes anything over $40 million. I have to think that movie goers are really not as stupid as movie studios think they/we are. There are plenty of movies that fail each and every year that should fail and we should all pat each other on the back for helping them fail at the theaters, but the movie industry has built in safety valves like selling the movies to TV networks, rental companies, even airplane companies that they make back or even profit on these failures in the end. But the people have spoken on dozens of blockbuster action films that come out, look horrible, and people don’t go see them, but the movie studios continue to make those exact movies over and over again. I think this will be another one of those weekends when movie goers do show that in mass we will not see this and the few that do go are idiots, starved for entertainment, on drugs, or really just love seeing shit. But they will be the vast minority.

Speaking of minorities…

Elizabeth Warren is a “woman of color” or at least she thinks she is and for some reason others have bought that.

I don’t want to say you can judge a book by its cover, but when the cover is this…

And she says she’s a “woman of color” or a “minority”, you have to be like, “are you high, white lady?”

You don’t have to read the whole damn book, but at the very least take a look at the jacket and see if this crazy woman has any evidence to convince you that she’s the bi-racial angel she claims to be.

If you are unfamiliar with this story, Elizabeth Warren is a democrat running for Scott Brown’s Senate seat in Massachusetts. First and foremost, let me just say that Scott Brown is an idiot and shouldn’t be a Senator in any state of the US of A. Let me also say that Elizabeth Warren does have a great background in education and has friends in high places like Barack Obama who once the Pres’ first choice to lead the new Consumer Financial Protection Bureau – whatever the hell that is. But that’s not the big story of this campaign.

The cliche of politics is that if you have any skeletons in your closet then they – the other candidate, the media – will find them.

For Warren, the skeleton has apparently been under everyone’s nose this entire time as Warren claims she is 1/32nd Cherokee.

Yes.

Let that sink in.

ONE… THIRTY SECOND!

If I’ve got the math correct then that would mean it was Warren’s great grandparent that was Cherokee.

Meanwhile, the only claim that Warren does have that she is the 1/32nd Cherokee is from … wait for it … “family lore”. FAMILY FUCKING LORE?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, WHITE LADY?!

Throughout Warren’s time, she was listed as a minority in a law school directory for 10 years from the 80’s to the 90’s. Warren also taught at Harvard and UPenn where she was listed as a minority and a “woman of color”.

My first question, ARE THESE FUCKING PEOPLE BLIND?! That woman is white! That has got to be the first thing every person thinks when they see her. Oh, that’s a white lady. A nice white lady. An educated white lady. But a white lady and never not a white lady.

My second question, can you just say you’re a minority or a “person of color” and no one questions it? Seriously! I would hope you would have to give some evidence of this status. Oh me, I’m 1/32nd black. Yeah, it’s crazy that I’m so fucking pale white, but I’m 1/32nd black. Do you need evidence of that? You don’t? WUNDERBAR!

My third question, her evidence is “family lore”? NO ONE QUESTIONED THAT! And “family lore” about fucking what? Her great grandparents?! Let’s take a breath for a second… your great grandparents didn’t exist centuries upon centuries ago. There are people who have actually met their great grandparents. On top of that, Warren’s parents probably knew their own grandparents. Better yet, Warren’s grandparents would probably know if their parents were a FUCKING CHEROKEE INDIAN! That’s not “lore”! THAT’S FACT! Question 1, were you raised by a Cherokee Indian? No. NO NEED FOR QUESTION TWO BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT A FUCKING 1/32nd CHEROKEE INDIAN!

Fucking stupid shit.

The people at Harvard and UPenn have got to be the most racist motherfuckers on Earth when their racial diversity is this…

Seriously?!

I don’t vote in Mass so I have no say in this either way. Generally speaking, my political beliefs are more in line with Pocahontas over here, but c’mon! Obviously, people are pretty up in arms about this and are even wondering if Warren took advantage of Affirmative Action throughout the years. Well, I’m guessing probably. But the Affirmative Action people are just as much to blame and those universities are just as much to blame for allowing this charade to continue.

People are fucking crazy.

I hope you have a great weekend.

I love you?

Happy Thursday!

For you, not me. I feel like shit.

I had a crazy night last night where I stripped down to my usual boxer briefs and t-shirt and when I got into bed I felt like I was an icicle. I proceeded to shake near uncontrollably and wrapped myself in my comforter so tight I might as well have been a human joint. I was still shaking and freezing and couldn’t stay warm. I tried to curl up into a ball covered in the comforter and did so, but still would shake from time to time. Eventually, I had to make the decision to go to the bathroom. I kept myself wrapped in the blanket and scooted over to the door and peed in the my bathroom all while still wrapped in my comforter. Then I started to get proactive. I brought another blanket in and put socks on and put a heavier t-shirt on. I then double bagged myself and did stop shaking and eventually fell asleep.

I must have woke up every 2 hours though. Around 6 am, I was covered in my own sweat, so I took the socks off. Two hours later, I took the second blanket off. Anyway, I feel like shit.

I also wake up to sad news Donna Summer is dead. Seems like all these celebrities are dropping off recently. It’s nuts.

Yesterday, I was lurking on Buzzfeed and saw an article they posted that could be entirely false or partially true or completely true and whatever it is it’s pretty funny.

31 Rock Stars’ Sexual Prowess, As Rated By Groupies

Apparently, there’s a website called Groupiedirt.com and the site is old and is really just gossip, but it’s some funny gossip if it’s true. If it’s not true then it’s funny these people made up these lies.

Check out the whole article at Buzzfeed and please share your own thoughts, but in the mean time I’ll grab a few that I found particularly interesting…

Layne Staley – According to Groupiedirt: “Alice In Chains lead singer Layne Staley is described as having a 3-4 inch penis, and a sexual disappointment.”

Really? You had high hopes for a known heroin addict? Why? Also, he’s a white guy with dreads. I hate to make a blanket statement about white men with dreads who are also heroin addicts, but I would put $500 down that they’re terrible lays.

Phil Collen of Def Leppard – According to Groupiedirt: “On Def Leppard’s 1999 tour, the band reportedly had a contest to see who could get the most girls to have anal sex and Phil won!”

I never knew that was the name of the guitarist in Def Leppard and I didn’t know Def Leppard was still touring in 1999, but I will forever think Phil Collen is a hero of men for winning an anal sex contest amongst Def Leppard. What is also interesting about this is that if you ever meet someone who met Def Leppard or at the very least said they went to a Def Leppard show in 1999 – you know there’s a good 65% chance they had anal sex with them.

Simon LeBon – According to Groupiedirt: “Duran Duran lead singer Simon LeBon has a curved penis and gets ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’ when it comes to oral sex, according to a woman who experienced him.”

How curved are we talking? Like a boomerang? Like if he could detach it and throw it, it would come back?

A common thread of this list is people mentioning how into oral sex these men are. For Simon, it sounds like he likes to go down on women or maybe they mean he’s hungry to get a blowjob. But whatever… they do mention a bunch men like receiving oral sex, which should be news to fucking no one.

Art Alexakis from Everclear – According to Groupiedirt: “Everclear frontman Art Alexakis is a selfish and disgusting lover, say groupies who’ve experienced him.”

I believe it.

Cypress Hill – According to Groupiedirt: “The men in Cypress Hill treat their fans and groupies very well. People who’ve encountered them have good things to say about them.

Color me surprised! I was expecting – they’re into gang bangs. But nope. They’re actually wonderful individuals.

Johnny Rzeznik of the Goo Goo Dolls – According to Groupiedirt: “He likes his women to ‘slide’ on top of him during sex and he gets off when a woman gives him oral sex and swallows.”

He likes chicks on top and blowjobs? Sounds like Johnny and I would get along pretty well.

Billie Joe Armstrong – According to Groupiedirt: “Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong has the smallest penis of any rock star we know about. Billie’s “little willy” is only about 3 inches.”

Awwwwwww…

Ice T – According to Groupiedirt: “Veteran rapper Ice-T likes to ‘get white pussy,’ according to a lady who experienced him. He’s been said to have great stamina too.”

NO SHIT! He married Coco.

Chris Isaak – According to Groupiedirt: “There’s an unconfirmed rumor that Chris can give himself a blowjob and he likes to demonstrate this talent at parties.”

I’m really on the fence of whether or not I would want to see that. On one hand it is Chris Isaak giving himself a blowjob and on the other hand it is CHRIS ISAAK GIVING HIMSELF A BLOWJOB.

Moby – According to Groupiedirt: “Several people have said that Moby has a sexually transmitted disease and that he doesn’t tell his sexual partners about it…and he likes to have unprotected sex.”

I believe it.

Honestly, I believe everything mentioned on this list. The first time I looked at it, I was unsure. This second time through and I’m like, “totally, Davis from Korn probably is a whiny bitch. I’ve listened to his music.”

Joey Fatone from N’Sync – According to Groupiedirt: “Joey Fatone is said to be the horniest guy in the group and will make it with groupies who love to give blowjobs.”

New hero.

Mark Wahlberg – According to Groupiedirt: “This former Calvin Klein underwear model/current hotshot actor is also very careful about practicing safe sex. But he’s said to be so paranoid about his condom breaking during sex, that he’ll change condoms in the middle of a sexual encounter. “

Total fucking weirdo. Maybe the weirdest thing I’ve read on this whole list.

Trent Reznor – According to Groupiedirt: “We hear he’s quite the dildo connoisseur. He also likes role-playing. We also hear Trent likes to be dominated once in a while and has ‘mommy issues.’ His penis is reportedly about 7.5 inches.”

I’ve never been more amused by a phrase than “dildo connoisseur”. That is an amazing character trait. None of this surprises me either. I would expect all of this. I feel like this list could be completely fabricated by people who just watched these peoples music videos and listened to their albums.

I guess it’s the question of does art imitate life or vice versa.

Either way, you’re a bunch of pervs for reading this and these men are a bunch of pervs for doing whatever it is they supposed did. Minus Rob from Matchbox 20 who is a faithful and loyal husband… what a weirdo.

… where I was fucking two Kristen Stewarts!

HAPPY TUES… DAY!

WOWZERS wowzers WOWzers! I wake up thinking I’m going to have to talk about those pictures of Kristen Stewart in that dress from the Snow White and the Huntsman premiere, but low and behold I wake up to my throat hurting and pictures of Kristen Stewart living out the Krisbian fan fiction I so deeply appreciate with my genitals. Oh stop it! I’m so naughty when I’m absolutely not in the least. It’s ugly as shit outside, my throat hurts like I’m getting sick, and last night I broke the screen on my iPhone. But let’s talk about some KRISTEN on KRISTEN intercourse because that will make this gloomy gus of a day go by quicker until I can watch cagefights on Fuel TV later.

Gee willikers, Kristen Stewart wants IT!

I actually like this cover. Well, I like the picture. I don’t really care for the color behind Kristen, but that’s one of those colors that advertising psychologists say to use to POP on newstands to get people’s attention and then we’ll dumbly by it like the mindless robots we are that responds to colors and shiny things. First off, what’s wrong with colors and shiny things? Nothing! Anyway, I’m just saying that I don’t think the color matches all that much.

But we get to see some of Kristen’s boobs which is on par with the rarity of hearing a positive news story about the economy these days. Oh yes, the economy is oh so terrible. It’s oh so terrible that there are millionaires and billionaires made every day. Oh so terrible indeed. Oh so terrible that Facebook spent a billion dollars on Instagram and then is going to make a billion dollars on its IPO. Oh so terrible! Is the economy terrible for people who got screwed over on loans they took out for colleges or houses or something or other that they can’t pay back? Yep. Is the economy oh so terrible that they’re not building more and more casinos in Atlantic City? Nope. The economy is good for some, bad for others, so what’s the fucking big news story?! Is this economy so terrible a movie about a bunch of half famous super heroes remaking Transformers 3 can’t make a billion dollars in less than two weeks? NOPE. Meanwhile, is this economy so terrible that companies are using that as an excuse to downsize departments and pay people less money because they feel like it? YEP. What’s the fucking news story?! People who don’t have money are getting taken advantage of?! Must be the economy’s fault!

What am I talking about? KRISTEN STEWART’S BOOBS! Yes. We see her legs. A lot of them. We sometimes see her butt. Sometimes. But rarely do we see some cleavage meat. Today we have and we celebrate with the no pants dance in our hearts.

So what is the story in this picture? Kristen Stewart is auditioning for Mad Men… or Magic City. God bless AMC and Mad Men for that dream sequence that Pete Campbell had in Sunday’s episode of Rory Gilmore wearing nothing but a G-string and a fur coat. Good Lord. I have never seen a TV show come so close to showing nudity than when Rory opens her coat and shows every nanometer for her right boob without showing a sliver of nipple. Incredible. The Shield used to be the kings of showing almost nudity. On the other hand, Magic City? I doubt I could watch an episode of that show because it sounds stupid and all of Starz’ programming minus Party Down (which is magnificent) is cheesy crap. Magic City over the weekend had a scene of Willa Ford – remember her? – butt ass naked getting choked in a shower. Incredible how far her career has blossomed. But what am I saying?! I don’t want Kristen Stewart getting choked naked in Magic City…what the fuck am I saying?! THAT WOULD BE A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN Adventureland!Imagine how much better that movie would’ve been if there was a scene of Kristen Stewart getting shower naked choked by Ryan Reynolds. Or her just showering naked. Or her just naked. I mean anything would have made that better. Even a scene where they actually commit to comedy would have been nice instead of the oscillating back and forth between sap and sap. Just get naked or be funny. Or be funny naked.

Kristen Stewart on the left has no problem with effing the identical twin version of herself.

Kristen Stewart on the right wants IT, but she gets that this isn’t just a paradox it’s just a fucking weird situation.

But I love it.

In the long storied history of Kristen Stewart’s magazine pictorial layouts being infinitely more interesting than the multi million dollar movies that she appears in… well here’s another example of that.

Would you rather seeSnow White and the Huntsman?

Or would you rather see a movie where there are two Kristen Stewarts who possibly have sex with each other in a futuristic Great Gatsby-ian society? I’m already on board and in the process of writing this screenplay, so yes. How about it’s like Gattaca where it’s this futuristic society with these genetically perfect people who live in a utopian city that is quarantined from everyone else. They are facing over population issues and need to keep the ratio of boys and girls to a near 1:1. Their family actually has twin girls in secret and instead of choosing which one needs to live, they raise one to be a boy. Hmmmm… or what if in this future society cloning is so common place that people regularly have clones of themselves and keep them as more or less a slave and in this case Kristen Stewart eventually realizes that the clones have the same emotions as we do and has a friendship turned partial love affair with her clone who although looks the same as her has a distinct personality of its own and Kristen has been the first to actually care for a clone to find this out. Eventually, in either scenario there could be a Logan’s Run style chase sequence when the future cop authorities find out the situation.

I’m guessing one of the two dies while saving the other.

This is basicallyEyes Wide Shut.AND I LOVE IT.

Per usual, the male Kristen Stewart is like “let’s fuck like now would be good” and the female Kristen Stewart is like “I want IT, but I’m also thinking I might be receiving a text message right now from someone, so maybe I should see if that’s the case just in case, but yeah I want IT, but maybe there’s something else distracting me.” Pfffftttt, chicks.

In this story, I feel like they are high class prostitutes for the kinky rich. Because nothing is classier than getting identical twins to have sex with you at the same time for money. I meant high class like expensive. High expensive prostitutes? Either way, there could be that or these identical twins were separated at birth and the male Kristen Stewart finds out that her identical twin is this luxury escort. She devises a plan to dress as a man and set up a date with the prostitute Kristen Stewart to see what she’s like and how she could have ended up this way. Obviously, this leads to the two of them forming this bond which could lead to sex because why the fuck not. Seriously? We’re making a billion dollars about some scooter riding aliens getting beat up by a muscular green guy who can’t talk and you are questioning me about some identical twin prostitute sex? C’mon!

Oh how emotional it would be when the prostitute K-Stew finds out that the man or woman dressed like a man or whatever that she believes finally understands her and loves her is actually her basically deranged twin sister who has been taking advantage of her and lying to her. That could be a great scene.

Anyway… there’s that.

Sure beats the hell out of me talking about that stupid article Yahoo put up about America’s and my sweetheart from 2008 Shawn Johnson and how she gained weight when she hurt herself skiing and then read online that people were calling her fat and then she lost weight and now she feels better about herself, but doesn’t think girls should be bullied into losing weight. Wait? WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?! Unless I missed the whole point of that article, it still sounds like she is worried about what people think of her based on her weight. She gained 20-30 pounds, felt bad about herself because people were making fun of her online about it, lost the weight because of that, and now feels good about herself. Hmmmmmm… not sure if we learned anything or if there is anything to learn, but I never stopped wanting to have consensual relations with that gold medal winning chipmunk. Plus, whether she felt good about herself or not, if she was going to compete again in a sport dominated by anorexic 14 year olds then she would need to lose any weight she gained because as mentioned she has to compete against the best of the best in anorexic children. It’s a tough racket our there doing that. As for the “internet” who picked on Shawn Johnson, they’re a bunch of homeless hookers who don’t deserve Shawn doing a running vaulted hand spring off a pommel horse onto your awaiting nakedness.

Whatever.

HAPPY… MONDAY!!!!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend doing whatever it is your doing.

Well, I mean I hope whatever it is that you’re doing is something I would approve of and then when you actually do it you have a wonderful time doing it.

Like, if you were just sitting around and watching a marathon of James Bond movies then I would be cool with that. I’m actually considering doing that myself. I have seen almost all of the 23 James Bond movies save for a couple of them and the movies range from terrible to great, but even the worst of them is still about a handsome dude in a tuxedo sleeping with hot chicks and shooting people to death with his pint sized pistol all while spouting one-liners in the Queen’s English. It can’t be too bad. So I do hope you’re having a wonderful time doing that. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service is easily the best Bond film and don’t let anyone try to tell you that Timothy Dalton’s Bonds are skippable because THEY ARE NOT! There’s a shark in one of them!

Like, if your weekend activities involved serial screwing members of your “Freebie 5” list whether you’re married or not then I am in total support of that. Go get ’em, tiger! They’re on your list for a reason… to fuck them without any reservations. So put them to work is what I’m saying. Whether it’s Kiefer Sutherland, Elizabeth Hurley, Kellan Lutz, or recently added Nina Dobrev then I wish all the best in getting your things inside of them and them getting their things inside of you. Sounds magical to be honest.

Like, if you are driving around keying the cars in the driveway and leaving flaming bags of your own poop on the doorstep of any gay friendly house with a rainbow flag on their porch then I would say DON’T DO THAT! BAD COMMENTATOR! BAD! And I would hit you on your snout with a rolled up Newsweek magazine. Maybe the Newsweek that apparently called Barack Obama our first gay president. See? This is why we can’t have nice things! People are fucking fucks. They’re fucking fuck idiot fucks who need to stop fucking around and stop fucking in general so no one accidentally has anymore fuck offsprings. So, if that is what you’re doing then I’m not rooting for you to have a wonderful time. Actually, I hope you have a horrible time and you fall into a ditch and are forced to live on eating mud and bugs and when authorities find you you look like Gollum and the only clothes left on you is a tattered Rush Limbaugh t-shirt. Bad commentator!

Anyway…

Friday night I drank some scotch and had a beer and felt fine the next morning, but the craziest thing happened Saturday night…

I had about 8 scotches, 5 beers, a shot of Jameson, a little champagne, and a little vodka tonic and I ate Wendys at like midnight and I drunk slept for like 3 hours and then woke up when the booze wore off and then laid around in misery for a couple hours until I passed back out for a couple hours and then woke up feeling like I was beaten with a bag of dog feces and then I ate a quessadilla filled with eggs, bacon, and cheese and it made me want to vomit out of my pores, but I didn’t and eventually I drank an iced coffee and let my digestive track fall out of my ass on a toilet for 20 minutes, but crazily enough I felt like crap all day.

Isn’t that crazy pants?!

Also, when I ordered that first scotch I said out loud that I was only going to drink this one scotch and then switch over to beer.

AND

I

LIED!

I’m not perfect, people. I’m a fucking nightmare to deal with. I mean if it was you and I, the shit that I put you through.

There’s a really good chance I’m going to get dressed in a tuxedo, take you to a wedding at a castle in the middle of a state park in New Jersey, a wedding no less for a beautiful 26 year old couple who have known each other their whole lives and have had a crush on each other since they were 9 years old and more or less were destined to get married, but only started dating when they were 23, a wedding that more or less resembled the wedding between Aragorn – king of men – and Arwen – forest elf princess – at the end of the Lord of the Rings movie, I will force you to eat the food at the wedding like the filet mignon or the fine meat and cheese plates or the seared tuna or the risotto, I will drink an obscene amount of liquor all the while encouraging you to drink as little or as much as you want, I will also “dance” some to terrible wedding music, after the wedding throw a private party in our hotel room of fast food and beers, and I’ll accidentally break the hotel TV trying to make it more viewable from bed, and then if you play your cards right – being there and being willing – I will make the beast with two backs with you.

I’m just saying that’s the shit that happens. Lock me up! I’m a horrible man.

I watched Game of Thrones… I love talking to people who haven’t read the books and asking them what they think is going to happen. They’re so fucking naive! All of them! So was I at one point, so was I. I sincerely love how wrong their guesses are. I mean their guesses or predictions are usually crazy wrong, and at the very least their guesses or predictions haven’t happened yet because there is absolutely no circular conclusion that happens in these books. I don’t think you could guess right now what is happening in book 5 because there is no certain path Mr. Martin himself is taking. It’s just this wild journey that most likely has no end and he’ll just die of congestive heart failure before he shittily wraps up the books. I still enjoy it though.

I like Veep. I think the problem with the show though is you have to enjoy a lot of dry comedy and you actually have to listen to what the people are saying. That’s tough, I know. But it’s required to pay attention when you’re watching that show. I think each episode is better than the last. I loved the part where Julia yelled that the door to her office should be half as high because people should be coming to her office on their motherfucking hands and knees because she’s the vice president.

Another good outing from Girls. I like that show a ton even though these people are such extremists. Seriously, Charlie? Seriously! Dude, shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up! Alison Williams is riding your erectness and all you can do is talk about how pitiful you are and plead with her to respect you… shut up, dude! There are three guys on this show. One is the Charlie guy who has had 5 seconds of screen time where he hasn’t acted like a little pansy child and the other two guys might as well have been raised Howard Stern Ba-Ba-Booey style callers. I guess there are two other guys on the show – the dad who is completely willing to throw away his seemingly happy marriage to have sex with his kids’ babysitter, and Hannah’s pervert boss. I’m not saying they have to make a dude who I relate to, I’m just saying I don’t relate to these guys. I know the show is called Girls and in that I don’t relate to them either. Hannah is literally playing the part of the fool, Alison Williams is supposed to be the bitch, Jessa (sp?) is a free-spirit fool, and Shoshannah is the innocent. I do like the show. I do.

Mad Men was good and it was nice to see they hadn’t forgot Betty in the mix. It’s the most high minded soap opera ever. At some point, I guess they’ll end Mad Men, but it could go on forever. There’s nothing stopping it. It just keeps on chugging along. We could follow Don until he’s 60 and he retires and lives out in Nantucket or something. Maybe he’s on a board of trustees for the ad agency and whoever is running the show at that point – Peggy? – could be doing the Don Draper act at the office with her whole cast of characters scurrying around. Honestly, the show could run for 30 seasons like The Young & The Restless.

How was your weekend?!

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