HAPPY FRIDAY!

It’s weekend time and for many of my friends and enemies it is FINALLY “Magic Mike” weekend.

You’ve been watching the previews with baited breath, you’ve been champing at the bit and by bit I mean one of these dude’s set of abs that are covered in a sleek sweat sheen on apparently every commercial break of every channel, you’ve been patiently waiting to go to a movie theater to see a half dozen men strip to their jock straps all lead by Channing Tatum while praying the storyline does not get too much in the way. SHUT UP, PLOT! There are dudes taking their clothes off!

But the question remains, who are these dudes who you will salivate over on celluloid in a public theater and what have those who have already experienced the gyrating think?

Thankfully, I am here to go where every gay man wants to go and where many straight men will go because this movie will probably do good/great business this weekend and the internet is filled with bigger whores for clicks than the male whores these actors will be playing…

MAGIC MIKE!

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THERE THEY ARE! THEY’RE SO… well… honestly… kind of… disappointing…

Damn it! I’m sorry, ladies. Movie magic works both ways and honestly as much like sex Gods these guys appear to be in the previews – they kind of look like normal dudes in real life and some have odd facial hair now and really the only one that I think looks incredible is probably the only one most women who are seeing this movie don’t even know and that’s “Biker Moses” Kevin Nash, we’ll talk more about him in the future.

I’m a little disappointed. I looked up some premiere photos and they’re all just in suits and it looks like Kevin Nash is getting married and the rest are his mismatched groomsmen. They’re not slick with baby oil or flexing any muscles or even showing the littlest bit of “whale tail” thong action. Is that hot for chicks? I mean for a guy, seeing a girl’s thong popping out of the back of her jeans is generally a turn on, but does that work in reverse? If a reasonably attractive male co-worker bent over to refill the paper tray all the way at the bottom of the Xerox machine and you spotted a thong peeking out the back… how much would you have to resist gnawing on the T-back and then later taking an extra long lunch break service yourself in the passenger’s seat of your car in the parking lot? … Just curious.

While we’re at it, I’ve been checking out RottenTomatoes dot com (it’s over 80%) for those quick buzz line reviews, which are unintentionally hilarious in their own right. Honestly, I don’t believe all movie reviewers see all the movies they say they’re reviewing because what they say really doesn’t say anymore than I couldn’t say myself without even seeing the movie… case in point…

Stephen Whitty of the Newark Star Ledger – “If you’re looking for a romance with 100 percent prime beefcake? Get your singles out and ready, ladies. “Magic Mike” is in the house.”

Yeah? Pretty sure that’s EXACTLY what the trailer says. I would bet that’s not too far off from what the press release for the movie says.

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Hello, Matthew Mcasdfhaskdg-hey. As the patriarch of this movie, Matthew here plays “Dallas” who is the owner and co-stripper of the place in question where all the stripping happens in this movie. Think Bill Russell in his final NBA championship winning season where he was both the best player on the team as well as the coach of the team. It’s exactly like that. I’m sure that’s what all you white women were thinking anyway. Oh yeah, there will be more white women in the theaters seeing this movie than “Sex in the City” and any movie featuring Diane Lane. That’s who white women want to be – whoever Diane Lane is in a movie. It’s a good choice. White guys all think they have some Bruce Willis in them. Since there are no black people in this movie, I won’t go too much into who I think black people think they are – men: Jamie Foxx, women: Angela Bassett – but there is one Hispanic guy in the movie and one guy who is so Italian he kind of looks Hispanic, more on them later.

James Adams from Globe and Mail – Soderbergh’s direction – he’s also the cinematographer – is largely loose-limbed, the film enlivened with bravura moments, including a decidedly spacey, eye-twisting orgy scene near the end.

Is that English? What the fuck is he saying? Are there naked dudes in this movie or not, James?! Oh wait, did you say “orgy”? Those are the spoilers we all need. Also, if there is no orgy at the near end… KILL JAMES ADAMS.
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Mr. Tatum. When I look at Mr. Tatum, I think two things:

1. Dude must use a lot of lip gloss, chap stick, or some lip lubricant.

2. His face would be easy to make into one of those creepy plastic Halloween masks. Doesn’t it already kind of look like he’s surgically stapled his own fake face over his own real face? And he’s just peering through those slits they cut into the plastic? Am I the only one seeing this?

This movie is Channing’s baby, which should be particularly interesting since I think the best acting he’s ever done is getting shot in the back at the beginning of “Public Enemies”. He is a good dancer, but as far as acting goes … he mumbles for one. But who cares. As long as he keeps his shirt off in a 60/40 ration of screen time then I’m sure no one will notice or care. But Channing Tatum mumbles worse than 50 Cent and 50 Cent got shot in the fucking face… what’s Tatum’s excuse?

Rafer Guzman of Newsday – It’s one of the year’s best surprises, and so is its frequently underrated star.

I think someone’s got a crush! Oh, Rafer, you hopeless romantic.
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FINALLY! A woman! It’s Olivia Munn.

I’m not entirely sure what’s true or not since I’ve only read a couple headlines and really haven’t researched any of this, but there’s a chance Olivia Munn goes topless. I’m also thinking there’s about as much female nudity in the movie as there is male or maybe more female nudity. It wouldn’t come as a shock to me if that were the case at all. In the famous gayest movie “Brokeback Mountain” we actually saw two scenes of female nudity – Michelle and Anne – as opposed to that quick shot of Jake G. jumping into the water. There’s also more sex scenes with women in the movie than men – also 2 to 1, if I remember correctly. Which is pretty funny. So, ladies and gentlemen who are attending this movie, there’s probably a good chance you’re seeing boobs. There’s also a chance you’re seeing some schlong, but who knows. It could be like “Any Given Sunday” where it’s just some peen in the background.

Ty Burr from the Boston Globe – “Magic Mike” is so much better than it needs to be that it’s sick.

Sick? Is this professional speak? I write for a website about professional cagefighting and if my top thought about an event was just that it was “sick” I’d be replaced before the next one. Whatever works, Boston.

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I did not know Benecio Del Toro was in this movie! That’s so… oh wait, it’s not him. It’s that other guy from that show and he really doesn’t look like I was expecting. This is that guy Joe from “True Blood” and he’s so Italian he legitimately could pass for anything South of Texas. Hahahah… he’s from Pittsburgh! Hahahah… he must’ve cleaned up when he was growing up in Pittsburgh with or without his 12 pack of abs he currently has. Any girl who wanted to expand their sexual horizon could hook up with Joe and depending on his fake accent, he could be from anywhere! He’s also from the same area of Pittsburgh I lived… although, I’ve been told that everyone is from “Mt. Lebanon” so maybe Joe and I aren’t soulmates after all.

I imagine Joe will be really showing everyone his acting chops as “Big Dick Richie”.

Mike LaSalle from the San Francisco Chronicle – At the very least, it is exceptional and one of the best and most original pictures to come along in 2012.

At the “very least” it’s “exceptional”? How impossibly amazing was “Magic Mike” to Mike LaSalle? At the “very least” it was “exceptional” to him. Wow. I think Mike had to get a new set of pants halfway through the movie he was enjoying it so much.

And not because I’m insinuating that Mike LaSalle is gay. I’m insinuating that Mike LaSalle jerks off to the cinematography of Steven Soderbergh movies. Ok?
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Uhhhhhhhhhhh… no clue.

Is she in this movie? Or was she a prop master or something? A key grip with a nice smile?

Kenneth Turan from the Los Angeles Times – If filmmaker Soderbergh had paid as much attention to relationship dynamics as he does to dance number mechanics, this film would have gotten closer to living up to the magic in its name.

Say it ain’t so, Kenny. He still gave the movie a 2.5 out of 5, so Ken did really like the those “dance number mechanics” – IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! Ken’s got a boner, Ken’s got a boner! Hahahahahah… I did just insinuate that Ken is gay or bi-curious or has involuntary erections (there are dozens of us, dozens!).

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Is this the guy from “White Collar”? The guy from “White Collar” is stripping in this movie? Interesting. I hate my life by the way knowing about the show “White Collar” or anyone in it. I blame my parents for that. He kind of looks like he’s in the middle of filming an episode of “White Collar” in this picture. Is “Magic Mike” really just an overly grandiose sting operation for “White Collar”? Could be.

Dana Stevens from Slate – Half wish-fulfillment fantasy, half after-school special, Magic Mike is in many ways an unserious movie — but like many of Soderbergh’s slicker entertainments, it’s not without its moments of substance.

Whatever, Dana. If the theater exits of “Magic Mike” aren’t marked by slug trails of vaginal discharge then this movie is a complete fucking failure. And you can quote me on that, Dana.

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Alex should be a serial killer. I’ve seen a movie with this dude in it and yet anytime I see a picture of him – honestly, doesn’t happen a lot – his face looks different and I can’t tell that it’s him. That guy in that picture resembles the dude from “I Am Number Four” as much as any other young, strong jawed white guy. I have seen a scene of the movie where Matthew is wearing booty shorts and pressed up against Alex who is grinding in front of a mirror while giving Alex a pep talk about how to be the best male stripper. In all unflinching honesty, that would be an awesome way to wake up everyday. Matt and his southern accent telling me how to be the fantasy for women while I’m just dancing in the mirror. It would be a fucking weird way to wake up every morning, but talk about the confidence I would have before my first cup of coffee – it would be through the roof.

Steven Rea from the Philadelphia Inquirer – A weirdly guilty pleasure.

I didn’t insinuate anything. Steven did that for me.

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THERE SHE IS, MISS CODY HORN A-K-A THE MOST HATED CHARACTER IN THE MOVIE.

I’ve never heard of Cody Horn, but I would bet ONE MILLION DOLLARS that every chick or gay man or whoever sees this movie to see Matthew, Alex, Joe, and Channing rub oil on their abs is going to fucking hate Cody as the screen time eating love interest of Tatum. Every time she appears on screen, people in their seats will be thinking, “will this bitch just die, so we can get back to another stripping scene.” And they would be correct.

Manohia Dargis from the New York Times – A smoothly distilled collaboration that balances Mr. Tatum’s heat and charm – and ambitions that are as transparent as Mike’s – with Mr. Soderbergh’s cool, cinematic intelligence and ongoing preoccupations.

Can someone teach this chick how to write a fucking less complicated sentence? Not me. I can’t. But I’m also not getting paid by the New York Times. DID YOU EVEN LIKE THIS MOVIE?! What about how big their D’s look? Did you like that? Seriously, all I’m getting is that it’s “balanced”. It’s balanced about what I don’t know, but it’s balanced though. Great. Well done, Manohia. You saw a nearly 2 hour movie of dudes swinging their dicks and you came back saying it was balanced. Well done.
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Fuck yeah.

KEVIN FUCKING NASH! JACKKNIFE POWERBOMB! If Kevin Nash doesn’t hit someone with a standing vertical suplex or a big boot or a choke slam then this was a wasteful appearance of the big man. Dude got a hair cut on his top and his chin, but before then that salt and pepper was flowing like the wine in France and he looked like a majestic God. He was “Biker Moses” in my opinion and to others he was “Zeus”, but in our heart of hearts he will always be the reliable half of “The Outsiders” or the Heartbreak Kid’s bodyguard “Diesel” or as the underrated comic actor of his generation. Seriously, if there is some good humor in this movie it will be from Kevin Nash. I bet that he has at least one laugh out loud moment in the movie. His character’s name is Tarzan apparently, so do what you will with that, but like I said – dude usually does something genuinely funny in movies he’s in.

Ian Buckwalter from NPR – The film’s portrait of self-delusion and gradual awakening makes for compelling viewing, even if it’s eventually somewhat undercut by a pop-romance ending that seems undeservedly tidy.

I’ll tell you what, Ian saw the damn movie. If there has been one sentence that has said anything that makes me think the person actually saw the thing – it’s Ian. Well done, Ian. No mention of an orgy though.

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That guy! I don’t who this is. Who are you? Wait… he kind of looks familiar… TV actor, right? Fuck! What show was he… CSI: Miami. BOOM! Damn it, I wish I didn’t know that. I blame my parents for that too. They watch every cop show ever. You would think they were cops or tried out to be cops or something that would explain it, but boy do they like watching fictional crimes solved by fictional police units. Hmmm… well, CSI: Miami guy is about as ethnic as this movie is getting. I’m really surprised there isn’t one black guy in this movie. But whatever. I guess Morris Chestnut was too costly.

James Berardinelli from stupid ass website… – Magic Mike is an allegory and its appeal lies in part in its message. You don’t have to be a stripper to recognize what the filmmakers are saying.

Really, James? You’re a top critic on Rotten Tomatoes? I don’t have to be a stripper to recognize what the filmmakers are saying?! Of course! You never have to be whatever the movie is about to understand what the movie is saying! I didn’t have to be a fireman to get “Backdraft” or the President to get “Air Force One” or be a mentally handicapped Southerner who is a world class long distance runner and international ping pong champion and war hero who becomes a multi-millionaire shrimp boat captain to understand that Tom Hanks contracts AIDS at the end of “Forrest Gump” and cry all my fucking tears out of my head when Forrest is talking to Jenny’s grave!

Finally…
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These guys want IT.

And by “IT”, I mean like around $50 million at the box office this weekend.

Good luck.

Have a great weekend.

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SUPREME COURT CHIEF JUSTICE!

JOHN G. ROBERTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honorable mentions:

– United States of America President Barack H. Obama

– The United States of America’s citizens (whether they know it or not)

– Anthony Davis (soon-to-be a professional basketball player for the New Orleans Hornets)

– whomever the Miami Heat draft

– Anyone who watches the Shiba Inu puppy cam

– rich people, always

Thank you for participating.

That is all.

For all the humpers out there, happy humping… and for the rest of us pervs just watching in the windows, happy perving.

While I patiently wait for Spain to battle to the death with Portugal in the semi-finals match-up of the century of the European Cup, let’s spend our time talking of Kristen Stewart, Australia being uptight, and my expectations for today’s Spain/Portugal game.

First… without me knowing it… probably because I rarely look up anything about the Wantess… probably because you’ll find out soon enough that news of the Almighty’s vessel of the truest Want comes to find me…

KRISTEN STEWART WAS IN NEW JERSEY!

Apparently, the “countess of craving” was attending a wedding somewhere in the Bergen County section of Bruce Springsteen’s state. KS attended it with RP, but the big story was that KS wasn’t wearing a dress. Instead, Stewart wore jeans. Jeans? JEANS? JEANS!!!!!! Apparently, this has been the most repulsive thing Kristen could have done at a wedding ever forever and ever.

First off, Kristen Stewart simply did not wear jeans. She also wore a black shirt that is see-thru with camera flashes, so each picture comes with a captivating cameo of the highest paid actress of 2012’s bra. That right there is a good enough wedding present than anything else. If you could go to a wedding a guarantee an topical A list celebrity who also doubles as an attractive femme fatale and everyone goes home with a snap shot of themselves with her and a little bra… BEST WEDDING GIFT EVER!

Second, it doesn’t matter what Kristen Stewart wore to the wedding because it was Kristen Stewart, her want and her magical touch that attended as well. Look at the girl in the pink, she is literally melting. MELTING. It is a combination of being so close to Kristen Stewart’s want and being graced with the slightest touch of Kristen Stewart’s exposed wrist. MELTING. How many other wedding guests made other wedding guests MELT? Well, probably Rob did, but they came as a package deal.

Third, with marriages having a divorce rate of 50% with in the first 7 years – you’re lucky people even show up to weddings still. When a baseball team realistically only has a 50% chance of winning, ticket sales drop. People aren’t attending games for losers. You wouldn’t jump out of an airplane with a parachute that only worked half of the time. People should simply be happy that you’re taking their wedding serious at all. Honestly, we should have a party for marriages that make it the full 7 years and defeat the odds than having a party before they’ve done zero leg work.

From New Jersey, the “regent of requirement” was busily shuttled away to PARIS, FRANCE for a night in her honor – not making this up – from a particular fashion designer who I have a difficult time remembering how to pronounce…

BALENCIAGA!

At the moment, I don’t have or haven’t seen any pictures posted from said event minus the invitation, but while trying to find a picture I stumbled across another picture of Kristen Stewart, which is now my favorite picture of this chick of all time…

BAM! DOUBLE GUNS!

or more appropriate…

BANG! BANG! DOUBLE GUNS!

I feel like I’ll never see this Kristen Stewart in a movie instead I’ll have to settle for seeing mopy Kristen Stewart. It takes awhile for actors to find themselves. Like, Denzel Washington toiled around as a romantic interest on soap operas before he started playing bad ass gun carrying cops or former cops or just some dude with a gun, which everyone loves. I’m not expecting Kristen Stewart to turn into an intense middle aged black man over night, but let’s just say that if she doesn’t get a role in a movie where her character has some personality then I’ll become severely mopy.

Anyway, little Kristen Stewart from a small town named Los Angeles, California had a dinner in her honor in Paris, France. That’s pretty cool.

I don’t have a clue who “Balenciaga” is and if I don’t look at the word then I keep saying it in my head as “Blockinclaga”, but still pretty cool. It’s no “Nike” or “Reebok”, but pretty fucking cool.

Not sure how to tie this into the next story… oh wait… isn’t Kristen part Australian… that works I guess…

This is Stephanie Rice. She’s Australian. She’s a hot Australian. She’s a hot Australian who also is a 3x gold medal winning Olympic swimmer. No one has a problem with this picture, least of all me. Honestly, if I did have a problem it would be that it’s not in 3D or she’s wearing too many clothes or that I can’t just take it to a court house and marry it right now. Nevertheless…

Stephanie has been swimming in some hot water (kill me) in her home country over a new picture she took of herself…

Apparently, Australians are prudes all of a sudden and think this is in bad taste.

First off, what?

Second, Stephanie Rice has got a body on her. Australians are pissed about this? If I had a country/continent/former island prison of my own – this would be the new flag. Just this picture waving in the breeze over the capital building.

Third, any Australian I’ve met has been drunk and crazy. When did they get all prude and conservative? There are dozens of pictures of Stephanie Rice in modeling pictures, bikini pictures, as well as simply swimsuit pictures because she’s a swimmer – an amazing one at that – and they’re pissed about this twitter picture?

The only problem I have with the picture is, where’s your face girl? And turn on some lights and never use a flash. The only time you should use a flash is if you’re spelunking in a cave or if a murderer has turned off the lights in your apartment and the only thing you have to illuminate them is your camera’s flash ala the first “Saw” – by the way, that scene and the movie sucked and it had so much promise.

On the other hand, America loves this picture. Also, the bikini which is referred to as the “tomb raider” (well played) has been having record sales since this “controversy”. And the company is in love with Stephanie for all of this.

Australia, what the fuck? Get your head back into the game. I expect better from you.

Lastly…

I root for Spain and specifically for this man…

XABI ALONSO!

In my opinion, Xabi Alonso is the basis of Dos Equis’ “Most Interesting Man in the World”.

And that’s that for today.

Sadly, this is the easiest scenario to answer.

You marry Louis CK. And depending on how homophobic you are, you have sex Magic Mike, and you set fire to that unfunny stuffed animal. I guess you could have sex with the teddy bear and hope that the traumatic experience of force fucking a glorified pillow with feelings would cause the bear to never talk ever again. And then just arrange a private dance with Magic Mike and a bath of hydrochloric acid.

Either way, you marry Louis CK because he is a wonderful man who makes the world laugh.

I’ve been laughing about this since yesterday.

Apparently, Louis CK is going on tour and all tickets are $45 with taxes and such and that’s amazing and you should see him where ever he is playing closest to you because he’s the best.

I’m guessing the ticket thing is true. I did only hear about it from a friend and honestly friends are pretty untrustworthy with information. I know I’ve given them incorrect info before, so they’re probably doing the same to me.

Anyway…

“Ted” looks like garbage.

I have seen the trailers for it. I’ve seen the commercials. I saw Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis interviewed. I’ve even read a positive review for the movie. And all of them have convinced me that I am thoroughly correct that this movie is shit. Shit. Like waste of a living creature. The dark mess of putrid stank and worthlessness that shoots out of the asshole of all living creatures and hopefully to never be seen of again.

It’s been awhile since I’ve thought Seth MacFarlane was funny.

I didn’t really watch “Family Guy” that much in its original run before being cancelled. I had given up on “The Simpsons” at that point as well. Like most, I started to really watch “Family Guy” after the DVDs came out and they were on Adult Swim and it was legally mandated that all sophomore and freshman college students play episode after episode of the cartoon until your brain melted from drugs/booze or from the mildly funny show.

I didn’t think too hard about “Family Guy” and would watch it completely mindlessly, but when “South Park” did its spoof on the show and really highlighted how formulaic every single joke was it kind of ruined “Family Guy” forever. Before, I barely paid attention to the puppets and now I can’t stop staring at the strings. Thank you, “South Park”. Anyway, I don’t watch “Family Guy” new or old episodes, I don’t watch “American Dad” or “The Cleveland Show” or really anything that MacFarlane has put his hands on. The shows themselves are near identical copies of each other and I couldn’t care any less about them.

Then the commercials for “Ted” came. And they won’t stop! They’re on every channel or at least every channel for me because they’re marketing the movie to my “demographic”. He’s swinging for the fences on the male 18-48 or whatever it is demo and I can’t imagine anyone truly finding this funny anymore. At 29, I feel like I’m way too old to still be thinking “Family Guy” is funny not as an imperative, but seriously the same fucking jokes are the same fucking jokes every damn episode – it’s old. The only reason I saw “The Simpsons Movie” was for the fuck of it considering they’ve been talking about making a Simpsons movie for most of my life. I can’t even remember a time when “The Simpsons” didn’t exist when I knew what TV programming was. It’s been on forever. But “Ted”? Fuck off. Mark Wahlberg isn’t carrying a comedy let alone with a CGI teddy bear by his side.

I’ve seen the trailer for “Ted” played in theaters and people do not laugh. I’m not holding a gun to their head to make sure they don’t laugh. They’re just not laughing. It played before “The Dictator” and it was crickets in there. Meanwhile, I did read on the interwebz some guy said the crowd laughed most heartily when it was played in front of “American Reunion”. KILL YOURSELVES! Why are you seeing that movie in the theaters?

This is going to sound pompous, but if the only people who thought I was funny were people who saw “American Reunion” in theaters then I would never tell a joke ever again… and probably kill myself.

“Magic Mike” … will … be … sloooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Or at the very least it should be.

I’m not seeing “Magic Mike” in theaters. That’s for sure. I feel like I’ll end up seeing some of it on TV or Netflix or something down the line. I always end up watching Steven Soderbergh movies and a lot of the reason is because I don’t really like his movies. It’s true. It makes no sense that I would go out of my way to see the movies of a guy who I don’t like the movies of, but people rave about the guy and I want to know what they’re raving about. I don’t like almost all of his movies and the movies I do like I don’t think it’s because of him. Sure he has something to do with it, but a couple of them I would like a lot better if he didn’t put the Steven Soderbergh slow and awkward treatment on them. For instance, “Haywire”.

I was destined to like “Haywire”. I have an impossibly large school boy and 401K contributing man crush on Gina Carano. She’s pretty, but she’s also a former cagefighter and former kickboxer and she was on American Gladiators and I don’t know – she’s a raven haired mystical spirit and my throat would close from anxiety if I talked to her. That’s just how the world works. Anyway, the action scenes in “Haywire” are quite good in particular the one with Michael Fassbender. But the other scenes? Oof. Soderbergh dropped his special slo-mo sauce on it where you don’t know if it’s the pauses in what they say or the long cuts or the music in the background, but you feel like you’re being lulled to sleep by a large bosomed nanny.

“Magic Mike” for as quick and fun as it appears in the trailers, I can’t help to think that this movie will be equally stressfully slow and awkward. I would bet that the stripping you see in the trailers is almost all of the stripping you see in the movie. The rest of the movie will be about Magic Mike’s dream of being a custom furniture salesman. Yes… you read that right. HE WANTS TO SELL CUSTOM FURNITURE. That’s his dream! And in the trailer, one of these artful pieces is a table whose base is made of aluminum bottles. HE WANTS TO SELL TABLES HE MADE FROM JUNK!

Also, there will be a lot of rom-com – but slow rom-com – of Magic Mike trying to hook up with that other chick who I’ve never seen of before. So, all of that is entirely not enticing. Mr. Soderbergh has a tendency to also put a lot of inexplicable jazz into his movies in the background. It usually never works, but he keeps doing it. It usually is almost diametrically opposite of what you would want to have in the background, but the dude loves it, so that could happen in “Magic Mike”. Who knows?

I have read unconfirmed reports that Olivia Munn takes her top off in the movie. Thank God for the internet because if she does then it will be up on the internet within the hour and I’ll just be able to see that 10 seconds and none of everything else.

Last, but not least – Channing Tatum movies suck. So that doesn’t help anything. Who knows? This could be the greatest movie ever made about male stripping or even stripping in general. There is such a high bar already set by Demi Moore’s “Striptease” and Elizabeth Berkley and Gina Gershon’s “Showgirls”. Two classics that are simply too classic.

What does this mean?!

I’m seeing “Brave” and “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World” this coming weekend.

Happy Monday, I suppose.

Honestly, I woke up in what had to be a flash flood from Heaven. It was nuts. We did lose power momentarily. Not that I sleep with too many lights on, but I do have a ceiling fan that stopped as well as the air conditioning stopped. Outside sounded pretty similar to when the hurricane hit last August. I haven’t read any stories on the mess outside, but it was a fuck ton of rain. And wind, but mostly rain. Just a fuck ton of it.

My weekend?

Well, thank you for asking.

I went to Atlantic City, New Jersey to watch the UFC fights that were live on FX. The main event was a disaster, but the rest of the fighters were pretty good to great. There were some impressive performances and some interesting fights, but when the main event is bad it feels like the whole event is bad. As unwatchable as the main event was at points, it was really interesting to be apart of the change in support. The crowd was openly rooting for Clay Guida and booing Gray Maynard at the start of the fight. By the 4th round, the most hated man in the room was Clay Guida and the people’s champion was Gray Maynard. It was an interesting fight in that regard.

The fights were also at the new Revel Casino. If you go to AC then check it out. It’s new, nice, big, seems like there is all the standard gambling/restaurants there. But I wouldn’t go out of my way to go to AC just for that. The only thing that gets me to Atlantic City is cagefights and the occasional bachelor party.

After the fights, I drove to Philadelphia. Upon arriving at 1am, I started watching “Jerry Maguire” with my friend Scott. Scott was just getting back from a hilarious date and telling me the awful details. You ladies. There are a lot of good ladies out there, but there are a lot of bad ones and Scott is ending up with some baddies. A college educated, certified professional masseuse, home owner, car owner, great personality owner, and in good shape is on OkCupid and paying for dates with more or less Philly’s riff raff. No justice in this world.

Watched the almighty Spanish Roja soccer team beat up the French. I love Spain. I love Xabi Alonso and the two goals he scored.

We went to the movies and saw “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”. It wasn’t good, but it was hysterical. I don’t think it was purposefully supposed to be as funny as it was, but who cares – it made the movie fun. It’s definitely so bad and cheesy that it’s funny. At the same time, I’m not sure I’m going to watch any more Timur Bekmambetov (sp?) movies. Whatever touch he had with “Night Watch” and “Day Watch” has been gone… long gone.

Went to the bar to watch UFC 147. It was a decent event. I wasn’t really emotionally involved with most of the fights, but there were some good ones. The event was in Brazil and it was pretty much a card filled to the brim with Brazilians fighting Brazilians, so there’s that. No crowd is better than the Brazilian crowds though. They’re by far the most into any and all fights. They sound like a revolution is happening during every bout.

I got pretty drunk Saturday night. Drank a literal bucket of beers to myself and a few vodka drinks.

I was sort of hungover on Sunday.

We watched the GARBAGE soccer game between England and Italy. Both of those teams should have been eliminated for being BORING. Ugh, I hate Italy and England. What a shitty game.

Got home Sunday night.

I watched “The Newsroom” on HBO for about 20-30 minutes… then turned it off to never be watched by my eyes again. Honestly, who the fuck cares? Who the fuck wants to watch a TV show about a fictional news team fictionally covering the BP oil spill? I don’t. Why would I? And Aaron Sorkin’s recipe is more bland and exhausting every time I see it. What made “The Social Network” great was that Fincher handled Sorkin’s mess. Sorkin on his own is just walls of text being alternated read as fast as humanly possible either in a robotic monotone voice or in a YELLING VOICE THAT WOULD GET SOMEONE THROW INTO AN INSANE ASYLUM FOR YELLING LIKE THIS. It’s a mix of C3P0 on cocaine participating in a high school debate to Bill O’Reilly being fucked in the ass with a stun gun(!). And his dialogue is definitely not plug and play. Most of these actors sound idiotic trying to fold into his framework. There’s not a thought about who is reciting this dialogue. For instance, Sam Waterson who honestly sounded like an old man at an old age home having an old person panic attack about being old.

Whatever.

How was your weekend?

HAPPY FUCKING FRIDAY!

Today is a great day. It is a great day because today there are two things that I have waited to see happen and they’ve happened and I’ve been waiting for them to happen AND THEY’VE HAPPENED and OH GOD have I been waiting for them to happen and even though they’ve happened I just want to see them happen over and over and over again because it makes me fucking happy. FINALLY!

The first…

KRISTEN STEWART’S BOOBS!

http://egotastic.com/2012/06/kristen-stewart-topless-and-two-fisting-handy-in-on-the-road/

WOOOOOOOO!!!!!

It’s only for a split second, but it’s really better than nothing, which is exactly what we/I had before. Hopefully, this is not the end and only the beginning of so many boobs. Seriously, Michelle Williams gets naked in every movie and everyone loves her and thinks she has a Texas sized amount of integrity, so Kristen Stewart should also take her top off, bottoms off, keep jerking two guys off or whatever it takes. They’re fighting over there in where ever for our Freedom and part of that Freedom is for Kristen Stewart to take her clothes off all the time.

Can’t fucking wait for “On the Road”.

The second…

LEBRON JAMES IS A CHAMPION!

Yeah, I’m a fan of Lebron James and GO FUCK YOURSELF.

I never stopped being a fan of this guy. I remember watching high school senior Lebron James on ESPN. ON ESPN! They were interviewing some high school kid who was playing like a pro who was from Ohio and he ended up playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers. The city of Cleveland? I’ve never been there. The state of Ohio? No fond memories from me. But watching this kid play high school reminded of the same type of footage they showed of Kevin Garnett where he looked like a fucking man amongst boys. For whatever reason, when reporters would talk to Lebron they would only talk to him about how he was going to measure up to Michael Jordan.

MICHAEL JEFFREY JORDAN

The greatest basketball player of all time. Not a single doubt, MJ is the greatest basketball player of all time. They wouldn’t stop asking this kid about how he was going to stack up against Michael. I started to root for this kid. I wanted to see this kid be the guy that everyone was for some reason saying he was going to be. The kid was great in high school, but there are a lot of people who are great in high school. Even more so, there are a lot of people they say is going to be the next Michael Jordan and then FAILS MISERABLY. So, Lebron gets drafted by the absolutely horrendous Cleveland Cavaliers and in his first season, Lebron averages numbers that only Michael Jordan and Dr. J have averaged in their first season. FUCKING SOLD.

Lebron played for a garbage Cleveland Cavalier franchise for 7 years where he was the best player in the league and taking his team to the playoffs and took them to the finals and lost, but made this team competitive throughout the season and into the playoffs every year, which is something those Cleveland fans ate up like it was chocolate gold.

Then something happened… something that is so terrible… I don’t even know if I should write it down here in words… it’s akin to the holocaust… it’s akin to genocides in Africa… it’s akin to imaginary future where computers liquify human beings into batteries to keep their mechanical forms working toward global domination…

LEBRON JAMES SIGNED TO PLAY PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL WITH ANOTHER TEAM!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

THE HORROR!!!!!! THE HORROR!!!!!! THE HORROR!!!!!!

Oh… I forgot to mention the worst part…

HE DID IT ON TV!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Lebron goes to Miami and continues to be the best fucking player in the NBA. Goes to another finals. Loses. And then a year later goes to the finals AGAIN and wins. And during this playoff run to the finals and his first championship, he played arguably the greatest in any playoffs ever.

He plays basketball at the highest level and plays it at the highest level in all categories. He scores, he rebounds, he passes, and he’s the best defender on the team. Is he Michael Jordan? No. Not yet. Could he one day be? Who knows. But he’s the best option for it. He plays the game in the same way that Jordan did. He’s a force on both ends of the court and he is entertaining as Hell to watch. From tracking guys down and rejecting them from behind to him elevating above the competition for rim shaking dunks.

The guy is absolutely incredible at this sport and people are hung up on the biggest bullshit about him. Who the fuck cares? Unless you’re from Cleveland … then grow the fuck up. Still Cleveland, he gave you 7 years of excellent basketball – who else gave you that?

Either way, Kristen Stewart’s boobs and Lebron James winning a first of hopefully many more from both of them.

Have a great weekend.

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