Dirty Fingernails, Rotten Apples, Appalling Accents – SNOW WHITE Is Better Than THOR

June 4, 2012

Happy Monday to all my Snigdhas and Snigdha-ettes!

Did you watch the Scripps National Spelling Bee? Our Spelling Bee champion’s name is Snigdha, which does mean “smooth like honey” and that sounds all fine and good except it sounds a lot worse when a 38 year old sports reporter whispers it into a microphone while talking about a 13 year old girl. Ewwww… douche chills! But informative. Because now we all know that Snigdha means “smooth like honey” and can incorporate it into our live-action sex role playing of our favorite fan fiction piece.

THE WEEKEND! YES, THE WEEKEND!

What happened this weekend?

I, as you can guess, drank enough to kill a horse. I had beer, I had vodka, I had hot saki, I had tequila, I had… I imagine other things, but I can’t remember anymore. I did drink quite a bit, but not of the blackout variety. Listen, I’m not a sophomore college looking for a way out by poking holes in condoms and inviting myself to all the frat parties. I’m just a nearly 29 year old male trying to keep a steady “I hope someone else is driving” buzz going from Friday to the Lord’s day. This is AMERICA afterall.

Game of Thrones was awesome. Yeah, shit is different. Yeah, there is no Ramsey Bolton and basically no Roose Bolton. Yeah, that pisses me off, but the rest is pretty good. Supposedly, the Reeds are going to show up next season, which is good because there is only so much TONKS can do in these dialogue sequences. Apparently, the chick who plays Asha or Osha the wildling woman who is with the Stark children was in Harry Potter and her name was “Tonks”? Is that correct? Either way, I’ve been lead to believe that so when she appears on screen we yell TONKS! it’s fun for everyone. But she can only do so much especially when in the books there are two more characters with them and Hodor just says Hodor. I think the reason why they haven’t had Ramsey in the show is because he’s too much. They would really need to spend a lot of time with him and just what he does because he’s a lunatic. I do think the third season will be the most memorable season unless they force everything to happen in the last episode. There are two enormous moments in book 3 that I think people who watch the show and don’t know what is happening next will go ape shit for. So, I can’t wait for the next season.

VEEP is the best show on television no one is watching. I hope people start watching it because it’s the best show on television that no one is watching that’s an issue.

Girls was good. Chris O’Dowd was funny. I like them treating Adam as if he’s more of a human being now. He’s still a sociopath, but it’s nice to know he’s got a soft side and can understand English. That was debatable up until last episode.

Let’s get into the review we’ve all been waiting for…

SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMEN

Whatever they’re staring at, I hope it’s not a sequel.

ZING! BURN SAUCE! ALL OVER YOUR FACE!

In all seriousness, I thought SWATH was average. I didn’t hate it and I didn’t love it and I was kind of meh about it. That’s more than I can say about a lot of movies including Thor or the Iron Man movies or other movies that usually star Channing Tatum. I thought there were some good scenes and I thought there were some bad scenes, which evened the movie out to a passing, but unspectacular grade.

If a single fucking MAP was shown at any point in time in the first 30 minutes of the movie then it would have been 100x better movie.

Much of the problems of the movie in my opinion were when they were trying to stay true to the actual Snow White story and there was also that hour in the middle of the movie where it appeared we were going to be forced to watch a bunch of completely boring and creepy dwarves lead Snow White and whoever else wanted in on this death march caravan to the outer reaches of the fucking planet… meanwhile the good guys castle appears to be a days ride by horse back to the evil castle… so… my question was… WHERE THE FUCK WERE THE DWARVES TAKING EVERYONE AND WHY THE FUCK WHY?!

I didn’t find any one of the dwarves not creepy. I half expected Snow White to wake up to the all or one of them teabagging her. They looked like the pervertiest perverts, which is something because the guy with the platinum blonde bowl cut was so fucking creepy and perverted that he couldn’t be bothered to be shown in a SINGLE commercial or trailer. Who the fuck was that guy? And where the fuck did he come from? I’ve never seen a poster or a picture or a gif or anything of this dude and all of a sudden the Queen has a brother and he plays a more integral part in the movie than anyone with a living dick and isn’t named the Huntsman.

What did I like? The first 40-50 minutes. Things got iffy once the Huntsman and Snow White reached the Middle Eastern river tribe of scarred women. That’s when the movie became really spotty. Up until then, I was into it. I liked the Huntsman. I liked Snow White. I liked the Queen. I liked the creepy as fuck brother of the Queen. I liked the mirror. I liked the Dark Forest. I liked all of it. But two things happen when they reach the river bed with the scarred women.

1. WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?! If I had to take a guess what the world looked like in this movie, I would have guessed EVIL CASTLE – DARK FOREST – GOOD CASTLE. And that’s about it. There’s the forest where the Queen can’t use her powers, which separates her from the rest of the realm and on the other side of that forest is the other castle basically. But not true. There are rivers, mountains, caves, streams, valleys, turtles covered in moss, and weird nightmarish little forest fairies that give birth to themselves out of bird’s stomachs. So, could we have a fucking map as to where Snow White has to go to get to the other castle because it seems like we’re taking the most roundabout way possible.

2. The Dark Forest isn’t shit! Literally, everyone and their mother apparently can run through the Dark Forest and survive. Did these women at the river bed go through the Dark Forest like Snow White and the Huntsman? If so, how the fuck did they do that? If they didn’t, where the fuck did they come from and why did they choose to be there and all sorts of questions like that. The Evil Queen’s brother and his henchmen make their way through the Dark Forest really easily, so what’s up with that? Is it because they had that dude who beat up the Huntsman? Why can he easily navigate the Dark Forest? On second though, why can the Huntsman navigate the forest so well?

I really wish there was an explanation that you didn’t have to go through the Dark Forest, but Snow White chose to go through there hoping to shake off her captors as well as knowing the Queen’s magic doesn’t work there. Secondly, I wish there was a line or two about the trick to defeating the Dark Forest is not caring whether you live or you die and that’s why the Huntsman can see clearly in there and somehow Snow White’s purity cannot be tempted by the forest. Something like that would’ve gone a long way.

The river bed scene was stupid.

The entire character of the prince was stupid.

The dwarves were stupid.

Huntsman and Snow White are finally in a Bones-ian relationship of flirty flirty and we’re working togetherness. THEN they are randomly caught in a rope trap and the movie comes… to… a… grind… ing… halt… … … … dead.

The dwarves were boring. Creepy. Added nothing to the story for the next hour. The one guy who was blind didn’t seem blind the first moment you saw him and then the next moment his eyes are so blind he might as well store spare coins in his eye sockets than eyeballs. That guy’s dwarf son was the sketchiest dude who sketchily sang the sketchiest songs. STOP SINGING THOSE SKETCH SONGS, BRO! They’re bumming us all out and now I think you might be gnawing on my toes when I awake in the morn. It’s creep-city. The other dwarves are no better. We have Nick Frost’s dwarf who has a tree root sticking out of his ear or something. Is that a fashion statement? What the fuck is going on in with your head?! Same can be said for mumbles McGee with the blonde spiky top who is un-understandable. I get the sentiment, but the words might as well have been from a language he was drunkenly creating on the spot.

Literally, everything the dwarves do minus them raising the gate – which could have been solved in a million ways without dwarves – was completely and utterly meaningless. Next time, cut the dwarves and spend more time worrying about the Huntsman sneaking a peak at Snow White washing off under a waterfall or something. Or have a single FUCKING scene of them EATING. DO THEY NOT EAT FOOD IN THIS UNIVERSE! What the Hell? I think the only time I can remember someone eating was the Queen eating a bird’s heart and that was certainly appetizing. Everything else for these people is a liquid diet of either mead, river water, or Charlize Theron’s milk bath.

The rousing speech Kristen gave was fine, but it could’ve been written better. Plus, the Prince’s dad was a complete tool boat the entire movie up until then and the entirety of them being at the castle and so forth was SO RUSHED because we spent umpteen hours on the Oregon trail with the dwarves.

The final battle scene was ok, but also felt rushed.

The final duel with Kristen and Snow White could’ve been a little longer and more ridiculous considering this is going to be the Queen’s crowning achievement you would think it would’ve been more grandiose. But it was good. I wanted the mirror to be broken or come into play in some way, but you don’t always get what you want.

And the actual final scene in the throne room kind of ripping off the Star Wars ending of everyone just hanging out in a procession staring at the good guys was stupid. And the Huntsman just strutting around in the front of the room like big dick swinger he is was awkward. Why was Snow White holding a branch and not saying anything? Why were the last words of the movie “you can’t have my heart” and then no one talks again EVER? Where did the narrator go?

Either way, it wasn’t bad. It just wasn’t that good either. I thought Kristen, Liam, and Charlize all played their roles well for what they were asked to do, but the people in charge screwed up not making a better movie. Rupert Sanders, I believe is the director’s name, comes from TV commercials and this is his first movie, so I’ll give him some leeway, but the movie kind of had an overextended 2nd act that felt unnecessary and had no shape or context for the viewer.

But…

Unquestionably the best part of the movies…

Was…

 

Kristen Stewart’s bunny teeth!

BUNNY TEETH TO SAVE THE DAY!

Whether Kristen Stewart was playing with an apple just like Twilight or rolling around in the woods and sleeping in a hole in the woods like Twilight, the absolute best part of watching Kristen Stewart in Snow White is her ever apparent bunny teeth of justice. Those bunny teeth want vengeance for her father’s untimely murder and they wants it now! They get it!

Also, does anyone else remember when this movie was supposed to be a trilogy? GOOD LORD NO.

Also also, I feel like Rupert Sanders originally thought the prince was going to be a big deal in this movie and then made the movie and realized he couldn’t completely cut the prince’s part because he did shoot all these action scenes, but they would minimize him as much as they could and never reference him in a poster or trailer or TV spot ever again.

Whatever. It was watchable.

And the bunny teeth were the best part.

Thank you, bunny teeth. Thank you.

How was your weekend? I was on a boat!

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2 Responses to “Dirty Fingernails, Rotten Apples, Appalling Accents – SNOW WHITE Is Better Than THOR”

  1. nixhaw said

    You forgot Kristen Stewart jumping off a cliff, just like in Twilight.

    I liked mumbles McGee. And I enjoyed Chris Hemsworth far more than I anticipated.

    Hot saki?!

  2. My main motivation for even wanting to see Snow White and the Huntsman was to figure out what the eff that white milk bath was, and 2 hours and 7 minutes later I still have no clue what the eff that white milk bath was. So that’s cool.

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