If I Started A Punk Band Today We’d Be Called “Voracious Starving Shit Eaters”

June 5, 2012

Happy Martes!

I don’t know any other languages days of the week than Spanish, so help a mofo out with that.

As the days go by and time flies and the Moon jumps the cows and we’re all high as a kite, it’s nice to know that Kristen Stewart is still popping out gems likes “voracious starving shit eaters” in interviews. Ahhhh yes… from her silky innocent lips to God’s thoroughly confused ears, the lady of WANT is a unique lyricist in the way all Tourette Syndrome sufferers are.

Ahhhh… Want.

A want to be understood. A want to speak freely. A want to prove to the world that bunny teeth are the sexiest teeth. A want to pet that cutie little puppy in this cutie little picture. COME TO ME, PUPPY!

I didn’t read this magazine nor purchase it, but I did read what was reprinted on Yahoo, which I do quite often. If it weren’t for Yahoo, I doubt I would know anything that’s going on. Even with Yahoo I feel like I’m missing out on a lot and that’s not the website’s fault. I’m more likely to choose an article that is about a high school pitching ace throwing a trick shot through someone’s passing automobile’s window than anything to do with any bloody massacre going on in Africa. On most days that it is. Whaaaaaat Kim Kardashian and Gwen Stefani wore the same dress? I’ve got to see this! Something something about teachers’ unions being disassembled because of all these teacher firings? SKIIIIP. Internet! Stop being such a bummer! I’m trying to get my laugh on, trying to get my hard … on, and possibly trying to steal some intellectual property to put it to the MAN! YEAH?! YEAH!

But, I did click on Kristen Stewart in “Vanity Fair”. In the interview, Kristen is seemingly asked about her photoshoots and she goes on a little bit of a tear about how people criticize her for not looking “perfect” in each picture…

Uhhhhh… she must not be talking about this picture because she looks hot here.

Kristen’s got her “your penis will be chaffed when I’m done” look on her face and she’s wearing no pants, which rules. That corset lingerie “white swan” outfit is really making mountains out of her mole hills. It’s a fucking sexy picture…

Minus the Cirque du Soleil date rapist right next to Kristen. I mean I get the idea of the picture. If you want to have sex with Kristen Stewart then this guy has to watch… and he might stroke your chest hair and spoon when it’s over. He also may shout out stage direction or simply whisper “smooth like honey” over and over again in your ear. I mean, what else could this picture suggest? Nothing. I nailed it.

But I digress, Kristen Stewart’s rant is thus…

“I have been criticized a lot for not looking perfect in every photograph,” she complains. “I get some serious s–t about it. I’m not embarrassed about it. I’m proud of it. If I took perfect pictures all the time, the people standing in the room with me, or on the carpet, would think,’ What an actress! What a faker!’ That thought embarrasses me so much that I look like s–t in half my photos, and I don’t give a f–k. What matters to me is that the people in the room leave and say, ‘She was cool. She had a good time. She was honest.’ I don’t care about the voracious, starving s–t eaters who want to turn truth into s–t.”

First, “she complains” seems incredulous to me. Does the reporter think Kristen is a bitch for talking about this? Because it doesn’t sound like she’s “complaining” about this and instead seems to be “explaining” her thoughts on the situation that there are people who expect her to “perfect” in these photoshoots.

Second, Kristen Stewart sounds like she was raised by talking dingoes.

Third, calling people who criticize her for not looking perfect in these pictorials “voracious, starving shit eaters who want to turn truth into shit” is absolutely insane and also shows exactly why Kristen needs to be in more movies where she is allowed to talk like that and not in proper olde’ English with an “olde” in front of it and/or as the boring girl in your chemistry class who digs holes and sleeps in them because she’s lonely. I mean Kristen Stewart should really be playing maniacs in movies and not these doe eyed flower pickers. Maybe that’s why I liked her in “Welcome to the Rileys” because she said “cooter” and talked about humping dudes for money and had nervous ticks like Leonardo DiCaprio in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”.

I mean what in the Sam fuck is this?

You write an article about how this chick is this wild child and then you dress her up as a British Princess like the rest of them, but I guess other people have tried to do the trailer trash rout with her as well. Either way, I don’t really get this Marie Antoinette picture or how it goes along with puffy dog in the first pic or the sex panther second picture.

Either way, there is another quote…

“You can Google my name and one of the first thing that comes up is images of me sitting on my front porch smoking a pipe with my ex-boyfriend and my dog,” she complains — although that’s actually not true, unless you search “Kristen Stewart smoking” specifically. Still, she goes on: “It was [taken] the day the movie came out. I was no one. I was a kid. I had just turned 18 … the next day it was like I was a delinquent slimy idiot, whereas I’m kind of a weirdo, creative Valley Girl who smokes pot. Big deal. But that changed my daily life instantly. I didn’t go out in my underwear anymore.”

First, “complains” again? This reporter must be one of those delusionals who think if only Rob dumped this chick he would walk into their “Piggly Wiggly” and never leave them again.*

*Piggly Wiggly both referring to their local store as well as entering their vaginal cavern, which they themselves call their “Piggly Wiggly”

Second, I agree. I do think a lot of people thought she was a “delinquent slimy idiot” when they saw those pictures coupled with her Twilight success and still do when they see those pictures. But people think a lot of strange things. Like there are people who make less than $100,000 a year who will be voting for a candidate come November who will be looking to give a $150,000 tax credit to people who make $1,000,000 and more a year. That seems idiotic to me, but to others they think that is what is stopping our country from being the bestest country ever and ever. I don’t know how that makes sense, but it does to them. So, sure some people think she’s a slimy idiot because they saw a picture of her toking up on a stoop in her pajamas.

Third, FUCK THOSE PEOPLE! If those people didn’t harsh on Kristen’s buzz then she would be going out in her underwear all the time. WHAT IN THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THOSE PEOPLE?! Seriously, the more pictures of 18 year old and upward girls in their underwear the better. That is a commodity that should never go out of stock in my opinion. Do you know what is ruining America and the world? People who are stopping hot 18 year old girls from taking pictures of themselves in their underwear. WHY STOP IT?! If they want to do it then stop being such a fascist and stopping them. It’s like we’re in Nazi Germany over here. Let these 18 year old girls who want to take pictures in public of themselves in their underwear roam free. It’s what was written in the Bible as far as I’m concerned and it’s what we should all allow because this is the Land of the Free and in my definition of Free I think about 18 year olds, 22 year olds, 28 year olds, 35 year olds, and so on, unless they’re related to me, females just prancing around in their underwear.

Lastly, I think there is way too much of this Kristen Stewart being cast in movies…

When there should be a lot more of this Kristen Stewart on the silver screen…

I bet the wilder you let this bitch act the better it will be.

That’s just me though.

I’m tired of BBC Kristen Stewart.

Let her freak flag fly and put her into an Adult Swim absolutely nut balls movie.

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5 Responses to “If I Started A Punk Band Today We’d Be Called “Voracious Starving Shit Eaters””

  1. I don’t know if “complains” is the right word necessarily, but it is a little difficult not to look at a crazy rich/beautiful/successful 22-year-old and not hear their “explanation” as a complaint. Also, bitches hating bitches and what have you.

    Either way, none of it matters because LOOK AT THAT FUCKING PUPPY. It can’t be real.

    Days of the week auf sexy sexy Deutsch:
    Sonntag, Montag, Dienstag, Mittwoch, Donnerstag, Freitag, Samstag

  2. Don’t forget “Guten Tag”! lol….not really a day, KSWI, just a cheery greeting for every day! ks needs more pot…she’s too tight! lighten up, sweetie, you got rob and $ and beauty…those who criticize should be beneath your royal notice-ignore them royally, Snowie, that’s what i say! And don’t give anymore interviews off the cuff-get a script! p.s., great name for a band!!

  3. Xan93 said

    I love you Kristen.. with all of my Heart….

  4. Munkee said

    Well done, man.

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