Get Your Hustle On, Greta Gerwig … and other things

June 6, 2012

Guten Mittwoch!

I hope I didn’t scare you away with Earth’s equivalent to Klingon and that’s the delicate and gentle language of German. Yeah, German! Just imagine pumping along in bed, thrusting your sex into their sex or vice versa, just an all out fuck fest of pleasure and all the while your luv-ver is chirping: guten, Guten, GUTen, GUTEN! Wait a minute, are you saying guten or gluten? And if you’re saying either, why? Stop it. Just stop talking altogether. You’re ruining this for me and your neighbors who are clearly watching through the window. Or is it “good tan” or “good Tang”? Still, not appropriate for pillow talk.

I am here today to introduce you to someone you may already know in theory.

GRETA!!!!! GERWIG!!!!!!

Listen up, I’m a trend setter and by trend setter I mean I noticed a trend starting and I’m going to point that out and hope I’m on the cutting edge of pointing out the trend, which no doubt will start happening. More apropos, I’m a trend pointer outer and with that… GRETA!!!!! GERWIG!!!!

First, I think Greta Gerwig should always write her name as GRETA!!!! GERWIG!!!! with at least four !!!! exclamation point marks. I may be watching too many NBA playoff games, so I’m reading all people’s names as if an announcer is introducing them to a roaring crowd of 20,000 people all wearing the same colored t-shirt. JORDAN!!!! NEWMARK!!!!! like that. What’s your name? You can do it too. It’s pretty easy. Just take your name. Shout your name like you’re yelling it through the Grand Canyon and really attack each syllable as if it is a totally different name unto itself. So, really… GREH!!!! TAH!!!! GER!!!! WIG!!!! …. hmmmmm… let’s move on…

Greta Gerwig is an actress, writer, director, and I would imagine a lovely baker or at least a good salad maker even possibly a risk taker and most definitely a heart breaker. Let me start this over…

This blonde chick that I posted a picture of is in all the movies. All of them. She’s Channing Tatum, but I’m comfortable being attracted to her and she’s talented. That’s really what separates the two of them: her talent. And her ability to make babies inside of herself if she so wants to. Either way, I’ve been noticing that Greta is in a ton of stuff coming out. I think I already did a preview for “To Rome with Love” which is a Woody Allen film coming out in the near future I believe and no doubt Greta will be in other Woody Allen films. She certainly has the look. She’s beautiful, young, white, blonde, reasonably Jewish looking, and… well that’s kind of enough for Woody Allen, but she’s a good actress it seems and I would bet money she’ll be at least asked to appear in more Woody movies as well as Elizabeth Olsen. That’s a random aside, but I’m still keeping that bet alive that Elizabeth Olsen will be in a Woody Allen film in the next couple years.

But on top of “To Rome with Love”, I also previewed a little while ago “Damsels in Distress”, which Greta was also in. And then yesterday, I found myself reading about a movie called “Lola Versus” and guess who the fuck is in it?

That’s right! You guessed it! GRETA!!!! GERWIG!!!!

Anyway, I wanted to point out that this chick will be in movies you will see in the future and could be in movies you have seen in the past. I’m not assuming anyone here did sit through “Arthur” or “No Strings Attached” because I’m also the type of person who wouldn’t sit here and assume any of you have herpes. See what I did there? I likened watching either of those movies to having herpes. That’s basically what they are, but everyone has to get their start somewhere and Greta’s first two “Hollywood” movies just happened to be those.

I have actually seen a Greta Gerwig movie and have talked about it… GREENBERG.

Now, if you haven’t seen the movie Greenberg let me help you out. It’s kind of a mind bending visual game we’ll play and requires all your attention and focus…

1. Look at that first picture of Greta. See how she is smiling? Stop her smiling in your head! She doesn’t smile in “Greenberg”! And if she does, it’s more of the nervous and sad kind of smile because the whole movie is awkward, unsure of itself, and not happy.

2. Look at the second picture of Greta. See how she is clothed? MAKE HER UNCLOTHED IN YOUR MIND! Greta is – thank you God and Noah Baumbach – topless throughout “Greenberg” which seems to make her depressed in the movie and makes the people watching at home exponentially joyful. It’s almost as if in the movie the more uncomfortable she gets the less clothes she wears and the more the film comes alive for you the viewer.

3. Imagine this unsmiling and most likely topless Greta Gerwig as a more likeable and likeably quirky Zooey Deschannel that would never make an annoying iPhone commercial that makes you want to punch TVs in the face.

And open your eyes! … Did I not tell you to close your eyes? Well, it wouldn’t have made any sense anyway because I did tell you to look at some pictures.

Actually, Greta is quite good in “Greenberg” and after watching it I wish she was the entire focus of the movie instead of the afroed Ben Stiller who is the title character who kind of just plods through the movie until the end. I mean he does have sex with Greta several times, which is amazing for him and all.

I just wanted to get on the medium floor of promoting Greta as soon enough her, Jessica Chastain, and Emma Stone will be in every movie we see and probably start dressing as men to take their roles. I’m not entirely sure if this is true, but I think in 2014 there will be an Expendables 3 with the cast of The Help, Greta, Elizabeth Olsen, and Jennifer Lawrence shooting people with guns and dressed as dudes. I’d watch that. So, I really haven’t told you too much about Greta Gerwig – she’s a 1983-er like myself – so let’s see what we can dig up on Wikipedia.

A native of Sacramento, California, Gerwig is the daughter of Christine, a nurse, and Gordon Gerwig, a financial consultant and computer programmer.

Kind of double dipping there, Gordon. Leave some jobs for the rest of us, am I right? And by “rest of us” I of course mean the illegal Mexican immigrants who hop our border fence to take our computer progamming jobs. What?!

She has German ancestry.

YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY! Greta Gerwig?! GRETA GERWIG?! GRETA GERWIG IS GERMAN?! WHAAAAAT?!

Gerwig graduated from Barnard College, where she studied English and philosophy.

Me too! Well, not English. Although, I do speak it pretty good…. errr well. I speak English well pretty good. I meant I studied Philosophy at college, but not Barnard College. Hahahah, I probably couldn’t have gotten into Barnard. Are you kidding me? I barely even carried a backpack around senior year of high school. I did go to college… AND GRADUATE. What?! That’s right. Saint Joseph’s University! THE HAWK WILL NEVER DIE! Bitches love hawks. And, bitches probably like hawks that don’t die even more. IMMORTAL HAWKS! WOOO!!! So, Greta Gerwig is pretty smart, which begs the question, “why did she become an actress?”

Originally intending to become a playwright, Gerwig was cast in a minor role in Joe Swanberg’s “LOL” in 2006, while still studying at Barnard.

Good thinking, Joe! I don’t know how much Joe knew about Greta Gerwig’s acting talents, but casting a tall, pretty, blonde in a movie is always the right move. Seriously, Brooklyn Decker is a working actress at this point. So is Blake Lively for that matter. Either way, Joe kind of fucked up and only gave Greta Gerwig a “minor role”. What the fuck, Joe? Do you want 2006’s “LOL” to fail or succeed?

She began a partnership with the director and an association with other mumblecore filmmakers.

I have heard this term “mumblecore” many times and have little to no clue what it means. I should say I have READ this term “mumblecore” many times because people who actually use the term “mumblecore” do not do so outside in public with others as much as write blogs about it or tweet about it inside the safety of their loft apartment in Brooklyn. I have seen several of these “mumblecore” movies and I still don’t get what makes them apart of the same genre besides them having little to no budget. They’re literally not “mumbling” in the movies. If that was the case then 50 Cent and, the aforementioned, Channing Tatum would be the heroes of this movement because the two of them cannot enunciate for shit. It’s like are you two talking through your pecks and not your mouths because I can’t understand word one. Basically, Greta Gerwig has been in a few indie films and she wrote, directed, and starred in one of them called “Nights and Weekends”.

Commenting on her work in Greenberg and other films, New York Times critic A. O. Scott described her as “ambassador of a cinematic style that often seems opposed to the very idea of style.” She made her first TV appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! in 2010.

First, congratulations on the Jimmy Kimmel appearance, Greta Gerwig. Which also means Jimmy Kimmel beat me to this. DAMN YOU, JIMMY!

Second, uhhhhhhhhhhhh… A.O. Scott really like “Greenberg”. Like liked it more than a friend. Like liked liked loved liked loved liked liked “Greenberg”. It was a decent a movie… buuuttttt an “ambassador of blah blah blah” what?

Ok, now, we’re talking about A.O. Scott…

He’s the guy on left with the nostrils you can’t help yourself from staring into and not the absolutely unexplainable photo on the right of what appears to be Samuel L. Jackson in a hamburger bra.

A little bit about A.O. Scott…

Scott was born to two historians. His mother, Joan Wallach Scott, is the Harold F. Linder Professor at the School of Social Science in the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, New Jersey.

Good Lord. I feel like I need to take a community college course and then transfer to an accredited university just to understand what Scott’s mother does. Jeebus that’s a long title.

His father, Donald Scott, is a professor of American history at The City University of New York (CUNY). He is also a great nephew of the actor Eli Wallach.

Interesting. He doesn’t really look like Eli Wallach at all in any sense.

What am I doing? Who cares where A.O. Scott came from? If he’s not interested enough in giving us a first name that isn’t just letters with periods then let’s move the fuck on…

On A.O.’s Wikipedia page, there are some top ten lists of his favorite films from several years as well as the decade and I couldn’t disagree anymore about these lists. This dude’s got the biggest boner for “Where the Wild Things Are”… THE MOVIE. I think he’s the only one. Seriously? That movie’s trailer was 100x better than the actual movie. The movie was a B at best and the trailer was a Super Saiyan 3 or something that’s better than an A+. Ugh, “Rachel Getting Married” was one of his favorite movies from 2008? WHAT IS UP, DUDE? Come on! That shouldn’t even be on a top ten list of movies with the name Rachel in it. And “25th Hour” is one of the best of the decade? THE DECADE? That movie was so dumb. I guess A.O. likes build up and no 3rd act. Hey, great let’s watch an Ed Norton movie that just slowly unravels from nothing to nothing and the end will be a long winded 30 minute diatribe by Brian Cox that means nothing. “25th Hour” should’ve been called “Spike Lee’s lame attempt at remaking Last Temptation of Christ, which is just as bad as Last Temptation of Christ”.

Hmmmm… no “The Wrestler”, no “The Dark Knight”, no a lot of things.

Why did I bring up A.O. Scott? Oh, he liked “Greenberg” enough that Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach might need to get a restraining order(s).

Hmmmmm…. But A.O. Scott did think “The Avengers” was meh, so that’s good. He likes sad kids movies too much, but at least I’ll give him credit for not falling in line and writing an uber positive review for “The Avengers”. Although, I don’t want to look up what he’s said about the Nolan Batman movies because then I might have to declare a jihad or fatwa or something on Scott. And with that, I will wait for Samuel L. Jackson and his hamburger bra to deal with Scott’s “jaundiced ass” first.

That got depressing. I need something to make me happy again…

That did it. Thank you, Greta Gerwig.

I cannot wait to see you and Ryan Gosling awkwardly and almost wordlessly courting each other in some movie possibly set in the roaring 20’s sometime soon.

Auf wiedersehen.

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