Kristen, Mitt, & Django Sitting In A Tree M-E-N-A-G-E A T-R-O-I-S

June 7, 2012

Happy ĵaŭdo!

That – ĵaŭdo – means “Thursday” in Esperanto apparently. Universal language MY ASS. I don’t know why the J is wearing a hat or why the U has a unibrow or is sad and/or is sad about having a unibrow, but the word is pronounced kind of how it looks in the – jow doh – kind of way it kind of looks like you would pronounce it. There may have been a time and place for Esperanto, but it has become fairly apparent everyone is simply learning English. You would think with all the people in the U.S. of A. who complain about foreigners needing to learn ANG-LEESH that they would at least like the millions upon millions of them that already speak it or are learning it, but really people who complain about the stuff are more likely just fucking idiots.

Hey man! Learn English if you’re going to live in my country! Sure there’s a rather high percentage chance that my family came through the Ellis Island immigration inspection station, which operated from 1892 until 1954 meaning that my family has only been in this country at best a 100 years and when they came over there was little chance they spoke English well if at all and really it was their children who were the first to learn English and did so in an American school system, BUT FUCKING LEARN ENGLISH ALREADY! DAMN IT! Do you really know how fucking frustrating it is to choose a language on an ATM screen in a country that did not naturally produce a majority of English speaking residents until the late 1800’s, while at the same time being a known destination spot for immigration from basically every country in the world because we do dub ourselves the “land of opportunities” and we have this colossus Statue of Liberty lady out in the water outside of New Jersey whose unwavering eyes looks out across the Atlantic Ocean to the rest of the world to declare that we are the land of the free and whose silent lips whispers mightily that we will take those you have spurned and they will arise along side us, but GOD DAMN IT WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SPEAK ENGLISH, SO I DON’T HAVE TO HIT THE NUMBER 1 ON MY TOUCH PAD TELEPHONE TO GET AN ENGLISH SPEAKING REPRESENTATIVE FROM MY CABLE PROVIDER! U-G-H!

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

HAPPY JAUDO!

Ok… what the fuck is up today?!

Oh right. I have three pieces of “news” or really images or something that I want to share with you and one involves the desiring damsel herself Kristen Stewart, the other is the putz running for political office, and the last is Quentin Tarantino’s Christmas present to all of us “Django Unchained”.

Let’s motorboat this post’s titties already…

WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!!!

YES!!!

This is unbelievable. Who the fuck is that man?! Am I supposed to know him? Because I don’t.

I’m sorry if I can’t figure out who that is because whoever it is I doubt I’m used to seeing them wearing blue-blocker shades, a “la flama blanca” full white suit, a white tie as wide as the Mississippi, and a deranged grouping of jewelery around his neck and tie and left hand. WHO THE HELL IS THAT GUY? Besides probably the most interesting man in the world’s papa.

Also, Kristen Stewart wants IT even next to that old man and in black & white.

I was looking at the pictures of the Vanity Fair or Vogue or where ever these most recent pictures of Kristen are from that I talked about on Tuesday, and I thought to myself AGAIN that these pictures are more interesting than the movies she is in. I had two ideas for movies from those pictures…

1. “The Fountain” meets “Every Chick Flick”. A movie about several princesses from different countries and different time periods who lived remarkably similar lives and had to overcome similar hardships in their distinctive settings. So, there could be Kristen Stewart as a French royal or English royal or whatever pseudo contemporary setting in like the 1700’s, Kristen Stewart as an Egyptian royal or maybe as a Roman royal in the time before Jeebus, and Kristen Stewart as a either an American celebrity or maybe a futuristic time period like a princess on another planet. All the stories intertwined and the like.

2. Kristen Stewart is a delusional schizo who imagines these outrageous scenarios in her head with these long dresses and manicured hedge mazes, but really she’s wearing a hospital gown at a mental ward and isn’t being chased by the royal guard as much as nurses with her brain pills.

I would see at least the second one. The first, maybe not, depending on who directed it. The second could be a more streamlined and less violent version of Chan Wook Park’s “I’m a Cyborg, but it’s OK”. Good movie and at the same time utterly bat shit insane.

Also, I saw this picture of Kristen Stewart…

Whaaaat? Is that a leather jacket sewn together by a Navajo priestess?

I hope so. That’s what I’m saying it is. And already I’m picturing Kristen Stewart playing Val Kilmer’s role in the remake of the vastly underrated “Thunderheart”. FUCK I SEE A LOT OF MOVIES! Kristen is probably too young to be believable as an FBI agent. But… maybe we have someone else be the FBI agent, but Kristen is the half-blood who is married to him or he’s in love with her or whatever. What am I saying? If Eva Longoria can play a secret service agent in “The Sentinel” then Stewart can play an FBI agent.

NEXT!!!!!!!!!!

MITT ROMNEY!!!!!!

WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

First, what a fucking doofus.

Second, I can’t believe you people want to vote or are going to vote for this doofus. I’m sorry that the guy I’m voting for plays 5-on-5 with professional basketball players like Chris Duhon. Obama infinitely cooler than Romney.

Third, LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT JENGA! Is this how the 1% plays Jenga? I am not a member of the wealthy 1% in this country and my Jenga comes in a box about a foot long. We play it on a table. It’s not an enormous structure that nearly is the height of 6 foot plus grown man. Maybe Romney doesn’t pay the taxes he owes because he needs that money to afford his ginormous Jenga towers.

Four, fucking Jenga? The man is worth over $200 million and he’s dicking around losing at Jenga. This is who you want trying to create peace in the Middle East and pull us out of this recession.

NEXT!!!!!

DJANGO!

BAM!

Love every fucking second of it.

I wish it were Christmas. Not to get presents or give presents or spend time with my family or for snow or for everyone feigning to be nice for one day a year and all that… because… I WANT TO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE!

That’s it.

What do you got?

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8 Responses to “Kristen, Mitt, & Django Sitting In A Tree M-E-N-A-G-E A T-R-O-I-S”

  1. I’ve never seen such huge Jenga blocks before, but I like them. They make Mitt look tiny and feeble. I mean, the prancing doesn’t help either…

    I’ve got nothing.

  2. tiffanized said

    1. I think that guy is fashion designer Karl Lagerfield or a reasonable facsimile, though if I were going to reasonably facsimile someone it would be Ryan Gosling.
    2. We have a giant Jenga at my office. I will post a picture of myself next to it ASAP.

  3. Kim said

    Yep, that’s definitely Karl Lagerfeld — legendary fashion designer. He used to be a rather large man, then lost over 150 lbs. and got supermodel skinny

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I don’t feel ashamed in the slightest that I didn’t know what Karl Lagerfeld looked like although I do recognize the name.

      I was worried it was going to be some European or New York Times writer (same thing) that we all pretend we know what they look like to feel super duper smart.

      Fashion designers hold little of my attention except for Tommy Hilfiger because him and Axl Rose once fist fought.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      This could be a new tumblr – Tiffanized and her life sized Jenga. Better than “pocket Edward”.

      I really would like to know what is the maximum height this Jenga could possibly be… and then I would like to round house kick that flimsy, but balanced structure down.

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