KSWI’s OFFICIAL Opinion On “Prometheus”: Aweso-riffic-tastic!

June 11, 2012

Happy Monday to one and all and all, but one of you! FUCK OFF, CRAIG!

I saw a teensie tiny independent film this weekend that you all probably haven’t heard about and it’s about space travel and geology and being forcibly inseminated by an ultra fast gestating alien species whose birth is anything, but a miracle for life.

I’m talking about…

PROMETHEUS!

WAAAAAANHHH!!!! WAAAAAANNNHHH!!!!

Remember?

I did officially see it with my eyeballs and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

At this point, you should be asking yourself, ‘what dimension did Kay-swidge-izzle see Prometheus in?’

And to that question, I answer…

THE MOTHERFUCKING SECOND DIMENSION.

I TOLD THE THIRD DIMENSION IT CAN SUCK MY DICK!

Honestly, I don’t know why we use that type of phrasing because people who I really want to tell to literally suck my dick, I really want to cherish those people for the rest of my life because they sucked my dick … seemingly, hopefully. On top of that, if you have sucked my D or were planning on it then you’re more or less an angel sent from Heaven who cures the crippled and writes sonnets about hummingbirds in a Spring morning’s dew. ANYWAY…

I hate the 3rd dimension and it’s Rivers Cuomo glasses. Keep them shits away from me. I want to enjoy the movie and not spend every 5 seconds readjusting a piece of plastic that will never sit comfortable on my nose.

I saw Prometheus in the 2nd and much better dimension and it ruled. I highly suggest not spending the extra money and seeing it in a dimension better reserved for a family vacation to Epcot Center circa 1986.

Will you like Prometheus?

I have a few questions for you…

First…

What are your feelings on body suits? Because there are a fuck ton of body suits in this movie. Personally, I like them. I think they speak towards the future. They look like active wear. And they also hold the curve of Charlize Therson’s butt and waist to breasts. So… they rule.

Second…

What are your feelings about watching Michael Fassbender completely steal another movie? Fassbender gives an incredible performance as David the crew’s resident ‘skin job’. He is devious, cunning, precise, psychotic yet emotionless like Norman Bates. Generally speaking, everyone does a good job in the movie. Charlize’s role might be smaller than you expect though. Noomi Rapace does a good job as our heroine.

Lastly…

Third…

This is a corgi puppy.

There are no corgis in the movie Prometheus, but I was very hesitant about posting a corresponding picture to my third and final question.

What are your feelings about inter-species rape?

Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh. Yeah, we’re going to need a hard answer to this one because there’s a lot of it in the movie. Specifically, alien to human and alien to another type of alien. See, it appears the best ways for aliens to defeat humans and/or other species of humanoid aliens is to forcibly impregnate what it perceives as a hostile and then to wait for its demon baby to get vengeance by tearing the host to pieces when it’s birthed. So, you are going to have to be at least a little bit comfortable seeing that because there’s like an “alien rape to violent birth” hat trick in Prometheus.

If you’re good with body suits, Michael Fassbender being a boss, and alien rape then you should see Prometheus.

I did really like the movie.

It falls in line well with a lot of other Ridley Scott works. Obviously, there are tons of similarities to Alien, which this movie is a faint prequel for. But it has a lot of similarities to Blade Runner as well. People criticize some directors and Scott being one of them that their movies are always dealing with the same themes. Well, that’s true, but who cares. I do like Scott’s themes. One of them is awe-inspiring action. Another is chicks being badass. And lastly another is the creation one day replacing the creator and how messy that gets.

More so, there is a theme in Scott’s movie world that things create and what they have created are entirely not in their control. Sometimes or all times, the created will want to understand why they were created and they never get the answers they search for. And when the answers don’t present themselves, they get angry. Deadly angry. Also, the creator sort of knows they’re playing with fire when they create something potentially more dangerous than themselves and with that when the created come looking for answers the creator is not too pleased to see them.

I like that storyline.

Is Prometheus as good as Alien? No, but it’s not really intended to be. As much as this movie is like Alien, it’s completely different in another degree. Very similar movies, though. Alien was a strict horror movie. This is a horror movie too, but it is also mixed with the blockbuster action extravaganza of a Summer movie. I think this movie delivers as both a June blockbuster and as a sci-fi horror flick.

The movie is super intense and has some truly visceral scenes. It’s a roller coaster ride. I think it delivered on the thrills and chills as well as introducing a wildly ambitious advanced alien, creation of humanity, and destruction of the world movie. Also, it does set-up a sequel, which is not Alien.

Finally, Prometheus does introduce to the future… our future… a glimpse into a time beyond our own… a future that has…

CURVED AXE HANDLES!

And…

FLASHLIGHTS WITH THREE BULBS!

There’s a shit ton of those, so get excited for when those start taking over the flashlight market in a few decades.

In conclusion…

WAAAANNHH!!! WAAAANNHH!!! WAAAANNHH!!! WAAAANNHH!!! WAAAANNHH!!! WAAAANNHH!!! WAAAANNHH!!! WAAAANNHH!!! WAAAANNHH!!! WAAAANNHH!!! WAAAANNHH!!! WAAAANNHH!!! WAAAANNHH!!! WAAAANNHH!!!

Was really good after all…

And…

A picture of a corgi can be used in lieu of alien rape.

How was your weekend?

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