My Moral Compass Was Shaped By Pro-Wrestling And Action Movies

June 13, 2012

Feliz środa!

That is Spanish for Happy and Polish for Wednesday.

Why Spanish and Polish? Well, Poland is the host country for the European Cup going on in soccer right now. There was a wee bit of an unsanctioned scrum yesterday between some Poles and a bunch of Russians prior to a Polska vs. Rusky match-up. Over 50 people were arrested, 10 injured, tear gas and rubber bullets used, and even a delightful water cannon or two. The game ended in a 1-1 tie… IT’S SOCCER! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?! Actually, there are only tie games in the opening round robin that they do at these futbol tournaments. Either way, I chose Spanish because I always feel a little bit of a kinship with those saucy folks considering we share a strip of land with the like from the top of the Earth to the bottom. I wish I knew some Indian/Native American language in the same small way I do know Spanish, but they weren’t offering Cherokee chit chat at my high school. Anyway…

This man, this great man, was what I thought the apex of humanity was for nearly all of my childhood. And, in many ways, sort of still is. Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen…

HULK HOGAN!

I’ve been reading articles or seeing articles or having hallucinations of articles about “good role models for girls”.

Recently, I saw an article on Yahoo asking if any of the chicks on reality TV are good role models for girls.

Then, I saw an article of 25 parenting tips to raise your daughter.

Before that, I saw so many articles picking apart the TV show Girls and whether or not they were sending a good message to other girls watching or were they accurately depicting girls today and that’s why we need to step in and help these… girls.

Lastly, I saw an article about Lindsay Lohan being in a movie called “The Canyons”, which is written by Bret Easton Ellis from “American Psycho” fame. One of Lindsay’s co-stars will be “James Deen” who is a male pornstar in real life. I put quotes around his name because that’s his working name, I don’t know what his real name is. Anyway, that article had a link to another article about what porn women should be watching and whether or not James Deen istheactor or cock or cock-tor for the female gender.

After doing all of this, I promptly put myself into a mental coma with liquor and the Puppy Cam because…

PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID!

Yep.

Listen, none of that shit I just put up there is going to help anyone nor does any of it matter. I know that I was raised by two parents and everything, but so are people who are the hypotheticals out there being influenced by people on television. For me, the people I saw on the idiot box for by far the majority of my life were people like…

The Undertaker

“The Heartbreak Kid” Shawn Michaels

Vince McMahon

As well as…

Jean Claude Van Damme

Ninjas

Intergalactic laser sword battles.

I wasn’t reading Hemingway or dissecting “The Divine Comedy”. I didn’t even open a philosophy book until college. My pleasure reading was about sports or Henry Rollins. I was raised Jewish with Christmas, but my Hebrew school books are filled with Green Day lyrics and drawings of throwing stars. I wrote book reports on the movie adaptations. I faked illnesses all the time to skip school or at least sleep in the nurse’s office. I wrote my high school thesis on Vince McMahon’s genius ability of turning his father’s pro-wrestling regional company into a global empire. And, I only learned to type without looking at the keys because of playing first person shooters online… thank you, Quake.

This shit… everything you see… is ENTERTAINMENT.

If I had “learned” anything from all this shit I ingested then I would be out on the streets in a trenchcoat with a pump action shotgun bringing to the evil-doers my own brand of justice. But… I’m not.

For you ladies… who gives a fuck who is on what reality TV show and doing what they’re doing?

Is being a chick that much different? Are you getting your knowledge about being yourself from “Toddlers & Tiaras” nowadays? Are you basing whether or not you should get black out drunk on a Wednesday because Snooki did? If you’re basing life decisions on what someone from Teen Mom did then you’re already beyond saving.

As for raising a daughter, the tips the people gave were so mind-numbingly obvious and they all should have been parenting tips for raising a daughter OR a son. Things like holding the baby while it slept, playing with your kid even if it means you have to act silly, praise their creativity and not just their looks (which is gross if you only did the superficial stuff… uhhhhh, enoughparent- I get you think I look hot), and use the proper terms for their genitals and not colloquial terms. Listen, if you’re a parent and you’re not doing the above then you probably no doubt can’t work a computer to have read this online article about these tips. Who the fuck is out there just calling their penis their dork to their son or calling the vagina a bearded clam to their daughter? Whoever that is is also beyond saving.

As for Girls, if chicks are learning anything from Girls then those are some DUMB chicks. READ A FUCKING BOOK! And not Twilight. I’m talking about reading the “Critique of Pure Reason” by Immanuel Kant because that could help with problem solving and understanding of the human experience or better yet read “Utilitarianism” by John Stuart Mill so you’ll become objective about decision making instead of being selfish and/or read “Race Matters” by Cornell West or any number of West books. Read Karl Marx. Read Plato’s dialogues. Those books will only make male or female a better person and help recognize other good people, which could actually go along way in life. But sticking to Girls, if you’re looking for answers on relationships from a comedy show on HBO then you’re FUCKING NUTS. Seriously, chicks? I don’t watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Workaholics for answers. I watch those shows for entertainment and entertainment only. I’m not trying to better understand myself as a man through them. I didn’t watch Deadwood because I thought it would help me be a man or answer any man questions I have… I watched it because westerns are cool and it’s good.

And about James Deen… and porn…

That’s James. He kind of has the Jew fro haircut of a New Kids on the Block wannabe and he’s pretty much your standard kind of looks like ________ (everyone) white guy. One small, LARGE, difference is the big dong he has swinging between his legs, which he uses to anally penetrate and slap girls faces with. Why? BECAUSE HE’S A PORNSTAR. Again, if you watch porn – good for you. What does that porn say about you? I would think it could say something about you and at the same time say nothing about you. Porn is a fantasy. Seriously, wasn’t that obvious? None of this stuff is real. Even most of the “real” stuff is lesser known porn stars acting like they’re not porn stars. Trying to live out porn plots in real life would go as well as the pump action shotgun wielding vigilante idea I had earlier. I think most of us out there can get off to some weird stuff while watching it on porn and then in real life can get off to some pretty benign stuff when it is actually happening to them. If not, then you’re in that “beyond saving” category frequently mentioned.

As for James in particular, nothing against him, but he wasn’t hired to be in “The Canyons” for any other reason than he’s a pornstar. That’s what his character in the movie is. The character will be filming amateur porn scenes and doing full frontal and having sex with men and women. So… not really something they’re going to get Chris Hemsworth to sign up for. Just saying, Thor isn’t going to be in Bret Easton Ellis’ no budget porn movie featuring Lindsay Lohan. On the other hand, James will.

The only thing mildly interesting about “The Canyons”, Bret Easton Ellis, and James Deen is that Bret is campaigning to write the screenplay for “50 Shades of Grey”. While I think Bret has almost a snowball’s chance in Hell at getting this project, it would be interesting to see a better writer like Ellis get his hands on the Twilight smut and see what he could do with it. I imagine his sex scenes would be more graphic and he would cast James as whatever the name of the guy in the book’s name is who is doing all the bondage stuff. That could be interesting because basically it would be James filming the highest brow version of about a billion porn scenes he’s already filmed. But that won’t happen because they’ll try to make this movie into a cash cow like the book and to do that it actually means to water it down and all that fun stuff.

Anyway, if you’re a chick and you like watching James slap some porn actress while he’s doing her – that really doesn’t mean you like to be slapped when you’re having sex in real life. Getting slapped hurts and you’re not getting paid to pretend like you enjoy it… unless you are and that’s a totally different story.

In conclusion, ladies, stop over-analyzing what your brain is feeding on and put little to no stock in that stuff because it’s entertainment. Honestly, stop reading magazines that you think are brainwashing you or stop letting yourself get brainwashed. Also, why do so many chicks read magazines still? Isn’t it a dying industry? I haven’t read a magazine in years I think. I have an iPhone, so I don’t even look at magazines in a doctor’s office.

And yeah, I look at models in bikinis, but I also have looked at men in spandex for an even longer period time, so I feel like I’m just evening it out at this point…

I hope some of this made sense. If it didn’t, blame The Ultimate Warrior. Another personal hero of mine.

3 Responses to “My Moral Compass Was Shaped By Pro-Wrestling And Action Movies”

  1. I always learn so much from you! And although I disagree that reading Twilight will not “learn” you things (i think it does-like unconditional, self-sacrificial love? And, how to kill a sparkly-type vamp, very good info…) you are correct about the parenting stuff…

    my older son also grew up on Hulk, etc., we even took him to see a live show once! It was so fun to see all those familiar faces in your post…I think my youngest boy still has his big bro’s wrastling figures (always say “wrastling”)! and my boys are not cruising the neighborhood to put a chokehold on someone…they will decimate an enemy in a video game, and then ooh and aah over puppy cams…

    yeah, it’s entertainment, people! It’s not meant to be a map of morality!

    LOVE!

    btw, exactly HOW big is….never mind!

    also, I had a secret crush on Shawn……that sexy smirk!

    • tiffanized said

      Oh my god, did I write this comment as another personality? No, because it was my brother I took to a live wrestling match. I wore a tube top and flip flops because I lost a shoe on the way to the venue. I used to have this totally safe habit of driving with my foot out the window, and fortunately the worst thing that happened was I lost a sandal on the way to a wrestling match and had to stop at Wal-Mart to buy a pair of $2 flip flops.

      I also loved Shawn Michaels. He got injured in my city and I WEPT and went to the hospital where I was told I couldn’t go see him because I was a crazy chick in a tube top and $2 flip flops.

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