The REAL American Dream Is To Get Dusty Rhodes Drunk Each Weekend

June 15, 2012

Happy FRI-BIRTHDAY TO ME! And… to you.

I hope you have a wonderful day on my birthday.

It’s been a rather short and an awfully long 29 years. I feel both whimsically young and incredibly old. This is not a new feeling. I have always felt old when I was actually young, but now I feel younger than I am and some how still older than I’ve ever been. I suppose most people feel that way. Or maybe not. What do I know?

Well, I do know that Dusty Rhodes is/was “The American Dream”. In more ways than one.

This platinum blonde Jerry curl, big bellied, Southern rapscallion spoke like a Baton Rouge baptist preacher about winning a regional wrestling promotion’s world championship belt from Ric Flair and did so for seemingly his whole life. He is still alive! I meant wrestling life.

But he is/was “The American Dream”.

And by that, I suppose all of us wish we were a professional athlete dishing out ass-whooppings with overly dramatic elbows to our opponents’ skulls while sporting a solid 52 inch waist filled with barbeque ribs and sudz. At the same time, able to ramble and rave about your predicaments on television to a screaming audience like an apocalyptic pastor ordering etouffee and muffulettas. To have the confidence to eat beignets and drink moonshine all day and to take center stage sweaty in nothing, but a pair of spandex European cut underwear and cowboy boots. And to be famous. And to be cheered. And to win glorious gold belts that say “world champion” on them.

That is the American dream.

And, I understand it is unlikely you will be able to accomplish the American dream today or even tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean you should try. And by “try”, I mean to get as drunk as you need to be to start talking like Dusty Rhodes.

Yes! YES! YES!

Yes, that is how you should hope to speak tonight in honor of America, Dusty Rhodes, Me, and/or any other heroes you have may have. Do it for them. Do it for me. Do it for those who are out there in the world who have not heard your drunken Dusty Rhodes impression because it will only make their lives worth living that much more.

I HAVE WINED AND DINED WITH KINGS AND QUEENS, AND I HAVE SLEPT IN ALLEYS AND DINED ON PORK AND BEANS!

That’s your American Dream. That’s Dusty Rhodes.

This is also Dusty Rhodes…

Just amazing.

I hope you have a great weekend.

I hope you have such a great time doing it is that you do that you are forced to slip into a heavy-set, creole accent only be-fitting of a man who could wear black spandex and yellow polka dots and delivering the most devastating bionic elbows known to all mankind.

I love you.

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2 Responses to “The REAL American Dream Is To Get Dusty Rhodes Drunk Each Weekend”

  1. tiffanized said

    I read the title of that video as “Dusty Porno” which caused me some conflicting feelings.

    I hope you have a mind blowing birthday. My last birthday was spent wearing a cowboy hat and carrying around a small ceramic cow who “drank” all the shots of Patron. Apparently Patron is the official complementary drink of a slutty woman’s 35th birthday. I hope decent Scotch is the official complementary drink of a pale tattooed blogging love god’s 29th birthday.

    I assume all the other common taters’ words are stuck in their over-emotional throats, so I speak on all our behalves: We love you too.

  2. Yes, we DO love you too! Have an awesome birthday which i hope you remember meaning you did not drink yourself into a coma just drink to the very happiest pinnacle of drunk without tippling over the precipice of blackout. In other words, have fun. Be safe. And come back to us happier than ever….happy birthday!

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