KSWI’s WEEKEND WRAP-UP!

June 18, 2012

It’s Monday and we have to deal with it like adults.

If there is an alternate universe like Socrates’ world of Forms and out there resides the Form of “Monday” and it can hear all the shit we say about Mondays, it’s incredible that it hasn’t jumped off the Form of a bridge into the Form of a spiky ravine while taking an overdose amount of the Form of Xanax. Seriously, we’re pretty mean to Monday. Like they might want to film a documentary to show how we bully Monday around worse than anyone and then at the end of the documentary there could be a hotline we call to help Monday pay the bills or send it on a vacation to Bermuda for a long weekend.

Monday is pretty fucking terrible, but we get off Mondays some times. People need to remember that a few times a year Monday takes a day off from itself as well and let’s us get super reckless on those particular occasions.

Where as Tuesday? When has anything good happened on a Tuesday ever? Fuck Tuesday. Tell Tuesday to eat a bag of dicks. Fuck you, Tuesday. I hope you die, Tuesday, before tomorrow.

ANYWAY…

MY BIRFFFFFFFF-DAY WEEKEND…

I’ll give a rough outline of what happened and a really detailed re-enactment of one hour in-particular that took place at a McDonalds from 2 – 3 in the morning on Saturday night in New York city 4 or 5 blocks south of the Beacon theater.

FRIDAY

My parents, HeyyyBrother, and I went to a nice restaurante in Rumson, NJ called Salt Creek Grill or something of the like. My mom asked where would I like to go for a birthday dinner and I said “seafood” but I did put a couple stipulations. 1. was not “Fish” in Asbury Park. I love “Fish”, but I’ve been there a bunch and I can go there whenever I feel like it, so someplace that isn’t just around the corner that I’ve been to before a bunch of times. 2. Not “Reds” in Point Pleasant, NJ. It’s another great place, but it is also the size of an average prison cell and eating with four people at one of their small tables is not the best. Better for just couples. With those stipulations, my mom opted we get steak instead. She just said fuck it to what I said. She did adhere and we didn’t go to Reds or Fish, but we didn’t go to a seafood place either. Whatever. I ate steak and it was a great steak covered in a coffee and bourbon glaze or something, but it was great.

HeyyyBrother’s birthday present(s) for me was two-fold. For people who do read this site regularly you probably already know this, but we do go out in the sense where I sleep in her bed probably too often at this point. I don’t just randomly abduct a female commenter and take them out to my birthday dinners… although if any of you lived close enough that probably should have happened. Aren’t you allowed one kidnapping per birthday? I don’t make the rules. Anyway, the presents were a US Army Vietnam-era bayonet knife and two tickets to see Aziz Ansari do stand-up in New York City the following night. The gifts were not related, but both were cherished.

So… I own a bayonet knife.

I purchased a bayonet knife for a friend as a congratulations you’re getting married present and gave it to him at his bachelor party. I didn’t realize how attached to this bayonet knife I would become and I didn’t want to give it to him. But I did and he enjoyed it and his happiness made me happy and that stuff. But a couple months later, here I am and a special someone is now giving me a bayonet knife of my very own. That’s a state of love and trust, people!

SATURDAY

Apparently, Saturday was traffic day on the Turnpike and the West Side Highway in NYC. It took us forever to get into the city. Much longer than it usually does. Either way, we got to the city 10 minutes before the show started instead of the expected hour and 10 minutes before the show started, which is how early we should’ve been. Either way. I suggest seeing comedy at the Beacon Theater. Music would be good too if you’re cool with listening to the music while seated. But as far as sitting in a big theater and enjoying a show, the Beacon is excellent. No matter where you sit.

Chelsea Peretti opened for Aziz. Very funny. First thing I would say about Chelsea from Saturday night is that she was very funny. Second thing I would say about Chelsea from Saturday night is that she looked like she had a great ass. I would probably say that to myself in my head, but it’s super true. I have seen Chelsea perform stand-up before and she’s funny and she’s definitely a comedian to look out for and youtube search and DVR if she’s on Conan or Fallon. On the other hand, she looked like she was packing a butt on her that was akin to a Hispanic back-up dancer on tour with Britney Spears or the Gaga. It’s a compliment that I believe in and I mean from the bottom of my heart – truly. Chelsea is apparently single and talked about how unlikable she is and all that stuff or how unattractive or weird she is.

A lot of comics who are great looking or celebrities in general that are great looking talk about it. It’s like watching a fantasy movie and suspending belief for the benefit of the movie viewing experience. Sure, it doesn’t make any fucking sense that Gandalf releases a moth while getting the shit kicked out of him by Saruman and then he jumps off the tower and a fucking enormous eagle just swoops in and carries him to safety. Sure! That doesn’t make any sense nor is it ever explained in the movie, but yeah ok Chelsea with the funny jokes, successful career, with an attractive Jewish/Italian face, and NOW a nice butt – sure you’re single and have trouble finding men. SURE YOU DO! I’M SO SURE THAT THAT EAGLE’S ALERT SIGNAL IS A FUCKING MOTH THAT GANDALF JUST KEEPS IN HIS DAMN POCKET FOR EAGLE ALERTING PURPOSES! OH, I’M SO SURE THAT NO GUY WANTS TO DATE A HOT CHICK WITH A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR!

I’m just saying… Every time a super model or an actress who basically looks like a super model tells a late night talk show host that no guys hit on them … THE DEVIL GROWS STRONGER AND WE ARE THAT MUCH CLOSER TO A DEMON APOCALYPSE!

Aziz was hysterical. Even more so, he was different than the last two shows I’ve seen him do. Aziz has two stand-up acts out for your viewing pleasure – 1. on Comedy Central and 2. on his website. Both are hysterical. This special we just saw was 100% new material and it was a different type of new material. A lot of jokes from Aziz’s previous tours revolve around his two cousins, Kanye West, and R. Kelly. All those jokes are fucking great. This new act had no jokes featuring those people and a ton of jokes featuring new people, so that was very refreshing. He talked a lot about finding a mate, marriage in general, online dating, and so forth. All great.

On top of that, Aziz had a pretty nice butt. Not like Hispanic back-up dancer butt like Chelsea over there, but there was more junk in his trunk than I was previously expecting. It may have been the suit that he was wearing. He was wearing a nice tailored tuxedo suit. So, maybe the tailor created a “seat”, which I certainly know they do for me. I have no butt. It’s like I poop out of my tailbone. It’s amazing too and almost disconcerting because I have nice legs. My thighs are meaty and need fat trimmed off the top, but just above the knee to my feet – they’re solid gold. That’s some fine leg right there. It’s pale. It’s very pale, but they’re top quality leg.

What was I talking about?

After the show, we met up with some friends and got drunk at their apartment from 10pm-2am. I’m noticing I’m writing way more than expected… so let’s just say we got good and drunk and talked about inappropriate topics for awhile.

MCDONALDS!

So, we go to this McDonald’s that is a few blocks away from the Beacon where the car was parked. We hadn’t eaten since lunch, so we’re hungry. To start, there are a bunch of teenage white boys slap fighting each other as soon as we enter. Later, one of those boys sat on the other boy until he almost threw up and then I imagine they had a 6 way blowing each other in a hexagon.

At the cash register, there was a man in a tuxedo who was about my height and visibly crazy drunk. The people at McDonalds kept asking him what he was waiting for as he stood at the counter just staring a hole through them. He replied that he had ordered his food and paid for it, but none of them had any memory of it and then he would get loud and say, “are you serious?!” After 10-20 minutes, they ended up giving him two large fries and he left. After he left, the McDonalds employees argued with each other about how that guy just got two large fries without a receipt or paying. So, make note of that. Go to a midnight shift McDonalds and dress up like you’re at a wedding, get really fucking drunk, and then just look like you’re going to fucking explode and you might get a couple free large fries out of the deal.

The guy also left the invitation to the post-wedding brunch on the counter. I looked at it and thought it was funny. There were two black women standing next to me who I thought also might think it was funny, so I showed it to them. They read it as if it was the latest news update about the Jerry Sandusky pedophilia case and did not smile once.

A guy in front of me on-line was either in his late 30’s or early 40’s wearing headphones. He ordered a Bic Mac meal and once he received it – he promptly took it all into the bathroom with him. After 20 minutes or so, he left the bathroom and a McDonalds employee went into the bathroom after him and came out angry. Before the guy left the McDonalds the two of them got into a passive aggressive yelling war about something that the guy did in the bathroom and how he definitely didn’t clean it up. The guy left the place in a huff as the guy questioned him about it.

My first thought – the guy just shit every where.

HeyyyBrother’s first thought – he had sex with the Big Mac.

So, which was it, America?! Do you think he rubbed his newly created Big Mac feces all over the walls? Or do you think he sodomized the deluxe hamburger and left the SVU scene of the crime for the McDonalds workers to clean up?

It was a solid hour long eating experience as the McDonalds employees were not moving at full speed at 2:30 am, but we did get some free crazy people entertainment like two 40 some odd year old drifters who walked out of a Rand McNally catalog trying to hustle the McDonalds people into giving them free food and failing and then leaving all within the same 2 minutes.

That was more or less my weekend. Sunday was spent lazing about and then eating baby back ribs for Father’s Day and then watching Lebron James and the Heat win game 3 of the NBA Finals – woooo!

How was your weekend?

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4 Responses to “KSWI’s WEEKEND WRAP-UP!”

  1. ATinyBun said

    I would say with complete certainty that he had intercourse with that Big Mac. Also I can’t believe you didn’t peek in there to check for yourself. We’ve all seen shit, Big Macs, and semen before, you could’ve handled a quick look at any combo of the three.

  2. Kim said

    I agree with ATinyBun — definitely fucked the Big Mac and I can’t believe you didn’t take a peek either!

  3. That’s 3 to 1 for burger sex. We ladies are either super perverted, or we assume only the most deviant deviants get up to things at 2:30am in NYC McDonald’s.

    I’m a little bit sorry that your birthday extravaganza ended in a place where “do you think that man fucked a burger or just pooped everywhere?” was an actual conversation, but at least I’m providing you with unique experiences and celebrations. 29’s off to a pretty promising start.

  4. nixhaw said

    I need to visit MacDonalds at 2 in the morning. Sounds like that’s when things get interesting.

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