If They Reboot Twilight, I Will Have Sex With A Big Mac

June 19, 2012

Hello again,

Yesterday, besides the query of “did a man at a McDonalds at 2:30 in the morning have sex with a Big Mac value meal?”, I saw an even more ridiculous movie news story about the possibility of the most unholy idea in all of moving picture accompanied with sound!

“Twilight” reboot.

..

.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR FUCK’S SAKE! LET IT END!!!!!!

I CANNOT LIVE IN THIS PLANE OF EXISTENCE ANYMORE IF THERE ARE MORE OF THESE INSUFFERABLE MOVIES!!!!!

JUST LET IT GO!!!!! FOR THE SAKE OF ME!!!

… … …

Anyway, they’re not going to reboot “Twilight”. Or at the very least, I’m betting against it and that’s about the surest bet you can go on.

The only source of information that the website, that completely and arbitrarily made this up, has is that they say it’s happening and it’s happening because the movie made a ton of money. Well, that’s an impenetrable argument, right? I’m sure they’re going to be remaking “Harry Potter” soon then too. Right? RIGHT?!

In this world of remakes, there really aren’t that many. In this world of reboots, even less. For Spider-Man, people didn’t like the last Spider-Man and at the same time Sony had it in their mind they were going to make 6 Spider-Man movies. Once Raimi, Maguire, and Dunst left, they were already planning an additional trilogy with or without them. That’s probably the most successful reboot in film history. In the sense that the originals were wildly successful I mean. Other reboots like The Hulk, are usually movies that people did not embrace. Also, there are really not many movies with multiple sequels in general let alone one that went through a whole saga and is going to start it over. It wouldn’t be an easy turnaround regardless. Think about how previously Batman was almost the new James Bond. A different Batman and some liked and some hated. This Nolan trilogy has thrown a wrench into the works of that because the next Batman that they try to make after him will have a huge likelihood of being met with strong criticism and backlash if it isn’t very clever and creative and seemingly a worthwhile effort.

Irregardless, I would highly doubt there will be a “Twilight” reboot.

But, if there was, here are some ideas on how to make it.

Using the set photos that Entertainment Weekly posted, I will show you a new vision of TWILIGHT!

Bella Swan wants IT.

Are they in a tent? Who poses this seductively in a tent with a small child, their own child, on their lap? Not only who does, but who could? Kristen Stewart – that’s who… errr Bella Swan – that’s who. Because they fucking want IT. They have no off switch for decorum. They just fucking want IT.

I hate these movies. Is there a movie series about life in a forest? Uh, yeah, Twilight. It’s about the most foresty movie series in the history of movie serieses. You could easily transform Twilight into a National Geographic documentary about bird watching and appreciating the flora & fawna in the Pacific Northwest if in between the ludicrous dialogue about the boringest vampires ever they just shouted out, “oh, Bella, a Turdus migratorius aka the American Robin” and then a quick pan to a robin hunting a deer for pleasure or fucking another robin so hard its feather shoot out everywhere or whatever they do in “Twilight”.

KSWI’s REMIX!

BOOM! Get rid of the lil’ bitch on her lap and the whole movie is about sexy Kristen Stewart talking you through your illicit campsite tent escapades and your from there maybe a three way with Ashley Greene. Does her character even have a name in these movies? Is she still in these movies? It’s not so much a “reboot” as much as a nightly sex dream I have and/or porno movie I would invest in the making of.

Next…

I can only imagine. What’s up with the hands in the pockets, gentlemen? This movie is so stupid. It doesn’t even look like they’re in a real forest. So, “Teen Mom 3” looks a lot woodsier than I was expecting. We have former “16 & Pregnant” star Bella with her incredibly quick aging child and her casually dressed vampire dad while their creepy best friend werewolf watches over for whatever creepy creep CREEP reason. Is the kid blind? Is that why the kid is touching her face? I mean she did have the kid like 5 days ago, so maybe her eyes haven’t even formed or opened up yet even though she’s grown a good 3 feet since birth.

KSWI’s REMIX

Ay Carumba!

If we’re going to reboot this movies then let’s give them an international affair. How about Ed is actually Eduardo and he’s a Mexican vampire who lives on a border town. Bella is the whitest white girl who lives in the US on the otherside of the border who falls in love with this gaucho or whatever that means. They sneak back and forth over the border to see each other. But! There’s Jacob who is a member of a self-appointed border patrol of concerned citizens who are really just gun nuts who are most likely racist. But Jacob eventually has a heart and sees how those two love each other and they produce this lily white child. Jacob could have been a high school classmate of Bella’s and he’s loved her and that’s why he really gets in this situation. As far as the action in the book could be the Mexican vampires battling the border patrol guys, the INS (volturi?), and other Mexican cartels.

Actually, this sounds 100% better than the original “Twilight”. LET’S MAKE THIS! AY AY AY AY! ARRIBA!

Next…

Uhhhhhh… ummmmm… eeeeeehhhh… is this when he tells her that he wants to have sex with her for the rest of her life? Because… DOUCHE CHILLS! Oh my God, this movie is the worst. I can’t believe this book series even exists. Oh it’s about vampires. Yeah, and it’s also a lot about dudes noticing young girls and how badly they want to bang them for ever and ever. That’s another big chunk of it. And spousal abuse. But nevermind that. Actually, RUN LITTLE GIRL! BEFORE HE TRIES TO DO YOU DOGGYSTYLE AND/OR PHASE OR WHATEVER!

As for my KSWI Remix… well… the only way to make this even more creepier…

Santa Werewolf wants to fuck you.

Next…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

This is some stupid looking shit.

No need for a remix here. I’m pretty sure this is what Twilight would look like if you combined it will “Doctor Who” or had Tom Hooper direct it and set it in the 1700’s. Is this from “Dark Shadows”? Like the original TV show? Do people sit around and look at a screenshot like this and think to themselves, “This is exactly how I pictured it! And I’m happy about that!” Because… yuck.

Maybe this is “Twilight” set in “Love in the Time of Cholera” and that’s why no one rubbed genitals for a 100 years.

Next…

Yep. We’ve been waiting for it. Now, it’s finally coming to fruition.

“Twilight” meets “Over the Top”.

FUCK YEAH! WOOOOOO!!!!! I didn’t think I would live long enough to see these two great film franchises combine. I know “Over the Top” is not a “franchise” per say since there has been no official sequel, but every night I dream of new adventures for Lincoln Hawk and his dopey son who will one day exceed his father’s arm-wrestling prowess. Now, there’s a love interest who decides to become the female arm-wrestling champion and it turns out… SHE’S A VAMPIRE!

It’s all just as plausible as the original Twilight source material.

Next…

This actually makes sense. Finally, combine “Twilight” with the TV show that no doubt influenced the original book series “Laguna Beach”… or “The Hills”. They’re the same show essentially, but pick your poison. A bunch of teenagers who never go to school have odd relationships with each other and nothing happens except for insipid dialogue and the occasional get together. I mean if you focused on the in between moments in Twilight like when they have to eat lunch or drive somewhere, it is more or less “The Hills”. On the other hand, if you added thunder storm baseball to one episode of “The Hills” it would basically be “Twilight”. New girl in town, everyone wants a piece, they play baseball, then the one guy ends up with her after hugging the other guy in a dark room.

Next…

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE!!!! Boom-ba-ba-boom-ba-bayah! “Twilight in AFRICA”!

I didn’t doctor this photo at all. This is actually something from the movie that would be way more applicable for my wacky version. So, the little girl is Simba (Ed) and Nala’s (Bella) next generation of lion/vampire cub and these two women are just hot black chicks who hang out with lions or something. Honestly, if the next picture had a space alien or a dinosaur I wouldn’t be surprised. What doesn’t happen in these books? People keep telling me this book series has to do with endless love or something… yeah… maybe in the first book, but the rest of them seem to follow a line of logic only a crazy lady could come up with who shouldn’t be near sharp objects or a typewriter.

If this isn’t “Twilight” meets “The Lion King” then it could be a pseudo remake of “The Air Up There” and Ed and Bella are actually really good at basketball as vampires and they help an African tribe with their cattle problems by winning a few games of bball. If wolves in “Teen Wolf” are naturally good at basketball then so can vampires.

Finally…

No clue. But these two could easily sub in for the new Bella and Ed tandem.

Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson can try their hand acting in movies that have the potential for being good and if they end up sucking then we know those two can’t act.

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4 Responses to “If They Reboot Twilight, I Will Have Sex With A Big Mac”

  1. nixhaw said

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAH AHAH AHAH!!! That Santa Werewolf!!! HAHAHAHAHA! *wipes tears out of eyes* Jordan, that is the best laugh I’ve had in ages! Thank you sir.

    Personally, I’m voting for the Eduardo reboot.

  2. Kim said

    OMG — I’m crying over here reading this post!! LMFAO! From the awesome title to the very end — BRAVO!!

  3. Twilight being a fantasy did indeed come out of the brain of a crazy woman…watch out, Jordan, many women have these crazy fantasies lurking within….have you read 50 Shades yet? another woman’s fantasy….spawned by Twilight, no less! also, it’s not supposed to make sense…if you’re reading about vampires in the first place, you have to suspend reality for a bit of entertainment (wrestling isn’t real either, right?) and I like mine sparkly and sexy! anyways, it works for me (and a few million other fans) so i can’t wait to see BD2…i’m re-reading the books again now…

    and, wouldn’t it be more like wearing a Big Mac ring on the end of your penis? I don’t think the sandwich could survive any serious thrusting…..but best of luck with that!

  4. Hopie Dopie said

    Oh, hell’s bells! I can’t believe you pulled the Lincoln Hawk card and dug up “Over the Top” – Epic! Where’s Kenny Loggins when you need him to sing a theme song for you?

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