Do You Know Who Is The Top Paid Actress Of This Year?!

June 21, 2012

THIS GIRL!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???????!!!!!????!!!!

Amazing. Take that other actresses! You suck! Or not “suck”, but are not as wealthy as Kristen Stewart was in this past fiscal year. SO SUCK ON THAT, BITCHES! Yeah… again, I don’t know why I had to get aggressive and call you bitches because I’ve never met any of you. Well, I did meet Tara Reid once and she seemed like she was high on paint thinner and deceptively tall because she had like 10 inch heels on and was almost up to my nose level, which is pretty tall for most people and her in particular. I don’t know if she was a bitch, she just seemed dopey. She thought there should be a Real World movie even though there already was one and it was terrible. But what do you expect from people who huff paint thinner? Not much. I think I got sidetracked there, but what my point was was something about Kristen Stewart’s hand firmly gripping the leashes connected to the collars around all these other bitch actresses’ necks. I think or maybe something that’s a lot nicer.

KRISTEN STEWART RUNS THIS TOWN!

Yeah, that chick who wants IT. The chick in that Legion of Doom/Sex Pistols inspired dress up there who is fighting her nipple from revealing itself all while giving the most enthusiastic thumbs up. Also, what’s this bullshit every where that this chick doesn’t smile? I’ve seen this chick smile. Actually, so have they. There are like 100 billion posts about how she doesn’t smile, but then in the post they are filled with 30 pictures of her smiling. Are you trying to unmake the universe? Because if you’re saying she isn’t smiling, yet you have all these pictures of her smiling then that should create a blackhole and swallow up your terrible blog writing ass. That’s how I roll.

Honestly, I was a little surprised Kristen Stewart topped the list even though she is in numerous movies this year. But, let’s talk a little about this list and how much money Hollywood is giving this tiny tiny tiny lady… look how tiny she is…

Here you can see Thor and Kristen Stewart recreating that famous moment when Miley Cyrus looked hot at that one awards show where she dressed as a gypsy. Kristen Stewart is of course playing the role of the sexy gypsy belly dancer or whatever Miley was and Thor is playing the part of his own younger brother. It’s actually very well done.

Kristen Stewart wants IT and is tiny. Those are two of the most factually correct statements I could ever write in my life.

I’m not talking about Kristen Stewart being skinny because we know that – chica es flaca. We know that. That’s a fucking given. That’s so much a given, I just wrote it in Spanish. It permeates all languages. But I’m talking about tiny as in I could easily carry around this chick in a baby bjorn on my chest and have minor back problems or walking issues. Let’s use Thor as a measuring stick… errr… non-sexually… no homo or total homo who cares… we’re doing how tall… whatever he’s good looking… I see it… he literally looks like Thor… let’s move on…

Thor is apparently 6’3″, let’s say in this picture he’s almost 6’4″ because he’s wearing shoes. Kristen Stewart has a big “Bride of Frankenstein” poof on the top of her head, but it appears that the top of her head may only reach Thor’s chin at best. I doubt she even reaches his chin. The length of a person’s head is like a foot. So Kristen Stewart is a foot shorter than Thor, so she’s already 5’4″ at this point. Add in Kristen Stewart is wearing heels, high heels. Let’s say they’re like 4 or 5 inch heels and we’re dealing with Kristen Stewart being sub 5 feet. Kristen Stewart may or may not be under 5 feet tall. That’s what I’m saying. On Kristen Stewart’s IMDB page it say she’s 5’6″, which I would like to report as BULLSHIT! BULL… SHIT… BULLSHIT! Are you fucking kidding me? Unless Thor is wearing heels of his own, she’s a fucking foot shorter than him. Kristen Stewart could be the same size as Shakira. PROVE ME WRONG, STEWART!

Thor is 6’3″, this guy next to him is what 5’11”?, Kristen Stewart is barely at Thor’s clavicle. 5’6″ my ass.

Anyway, Kristen Stewart’s want earned her $34.5 million. Congratulations! I hope this means that maybe a real director will direct Kristen in a real movie. Sure, “On The Road” is legit with Salles, but seriously the dude makes a movie once every 6 years or something. I mean Steven Spielberg. C’mon Steve, throw the chick a role. She’s worked with a fuck ton of never heard of or never should of directed. Let’s get the wantess in some movies where there is someone at the helm who is known for really making movies. David Slade doesn’t count. Making “Hard Candy” and following it up with a Josh Hartnett vampire movie doesn’t make you a worthwhile director. Maybe Kristen can take her wealth and get Spike Jonze or Cuaron or someone who has a nice resume to put her in their next movie. If Channing Tatum is getting hooked up with some good directors then get the Stew in there.

As for the rest of the women on the list… WOW… the actress situation is fucked up…

#2 – Cameron Diaz with $34 million. Are you kidding me?! For “Bad Teacher”?! Good Lord. What in the Hell is going on in this world that Cameron Diaz made $34 million for a shitty movie like “Bad Teacher”? We’ve got Rhode Island going bankrupt giving Curt Schilling $70 million or something for his dumbass videogame company… WHY?! and then $34 million to Cameron Diaz where I laughed ONE TIME during a 90 minute movie. UGH…

#3 – Sandra Bullock with $25 million… WHAT IN THE FUCK?! She didn’t even act! How is she making money off of not acting? Did someone pay Sandra Bullock $25 million to not act? That may have been a worthy investment. Good Lord. It’s probably from reruns of “Blindside”. I’ve never seen a more racist movie played with more frequency than that movie. If I was Michael Oher, I would have killed the people who made that movie. “Foo, foo, foot… ball. Foot… ball! FOOTBALL!” For fuck’s sake, the dude isn’t retarded! He’s not even that good of an offensive lineman, but he’s certainly not retarded.

#4 – Angelina Jolie made $20 million… for what? I don’t know. Did she act in anything? Am I supposed to be excited about this Maleficent movie? Because I’m not.

#5 – Charlize Theron with $18 million… makes sense because SHE’S IN EVERY MOVIE! I’m fine with that. She’s fucking gorgeous and a good actress. Hey, what movie are you guys making? Do you think you can write some lines for a fucking gorgeous 6 foot tall blonde who will commit to any and all stupid dialogue you write for her? Yeah, I thought you could do that. So, we’ve got Charlize in the truck already to go with hair and make-up, just give us the signal when you want this super human beautiful woman to light up the fucking screen and act her proverbial nut off. Thanks.

Congratulations again to Kristen Stewart for making all the fucking bank and actually working to do it.

But…

There isn’t a chance in Hell that you’re 5’6″. No fucking way. I need to see actual evidence of you being 5’6″ with a tape measure and no trick photography. You’re 5′ even maybe.

If I went back-to-back with Kristen Stewart, I would probably melt into a pile of nearly 30 years old goo if that angel’s hair even brushed me, but I would bet $100 she tops out around my shoulder blades.

Also, I think I’m taller than Thor. What’s up? That’s right! I’m talking to you and your brother. I think I’m taller than the both of you. Fuck it, I’ll go back-to-back as well. Bring your wives to witness it! Also because they seem like interesting and attractive women who would be cool to meet. Just saying. Let’s make a day of it. We could go to Ruby Tuesdays or something. You know casual, but a nicer class of food than just something quick. We could sit down and have a meal and possibly go to a mall or something. What am I saying? I live 2 blocks from the beach. I can take you around Asbury for drinks and show you how amazing this town’s restoration is going. It’s really something. There’s like 50% chance we’ll run into Bruce Springsteen and I bet Kristen Stewart is shorter than him.

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