Marry, Fuck, Kill – Louis CK, Ted, Magic Mike

June 26, 2012

Sadly, this is the easiest scenario to answer.

You marry Louis CK. And depending on how homophobic you are, you have sex Magic Mike, and you set fire to that unfunny stuffed animal. I guess you could have sex with the teddy bear and hope that the traumatic experience of force fucking a glorified pillow with feelings would cause the bear to never talk ever again. And then just arrange a private dance with Magic Mike and a bath of hydrochloric acid.

Either way, you marry Louis CK because he is a wonderful man who makes the world laugh.

I’ve been laughing about this since yesterday.

Apparently, Louis CK is going on tour and all tickets are $45 with taxes and such and that’s amazing and you should see him where ever he is playing closest to you because he’s the best.

I’m guessing the ticket thing is true. I did only hear about it from a friend and honestly friends are pretty untrustworthy with information. I know I’ve given them incorrect info before, so they’re probably doing the same to me.

Anyway…

“Ted” looks like garbage.

I have seen the trailers for it. I’ve seen the commercials. I saw Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis interviewed. I’ve even read a positive review for the movie. And all of them have convinced me that I am thoroughly correct that this movie is shit. Shit. Like waste of a living creature. The dark mess of putrid stank and worthlessness that shoots out of the asshole of all living creatures and hopefully to never be seen of again.

It’s been awhile since I’ve thought Seth MacFarlane was funny.

I didn’t really watch “Family Guy” that much in its original run before being cancelled. I had given up on “The Simpsons” at that point as well. Like most, I started to really watch “Family Guy” after the DVDs came out and they were on Adult Swim and it was legally mandated that all sophomore and freshman college students play episode after episode of the cartoon until your brain melted from drugs/booze or from the mildly funny show.

I didn’t think too hard about “Family Guy” and would watch it completely mindlessly, but when “South Park” did its spoof on the show and really highlighted how formulaic every single joke was it kind of ruined “Family Guy” forever. Before, I barely paid attention to the puppets and now I can’t stop staring at the strings. Thank you, “South Park”. Anyway, I don’t watch “Family Guy” new or old episodes, I don’t watch “American Dad” or “The Cleveland Show” or really anything that MacFarlane has put his hands on. The shows themselves are near identical copies of each other and I couldn’t care any less about them.

Then the commercials for “Ted” came. And they won’t stop! They’re on every channel or at least every channel for me because they’re marketing the movie to my “demographic”. He’s swinging for the fences on the male 18-48 or whatever it is demo and I can’t imagine anyone truly finding this funny anymore. At 29, I feel like I’m way too old to still be thinking “Family Guy” is funny not as an imperative, but seriously the same fucking jokes are the same fucking jokes every damn episode – it’s old. The only reason I saw “The Simpsons Movie” was for the fuck of it considering they’ve been talking about making a Simpsons movie for most of my life. I can’t even remember a time when “The Simpsons” didn’t exist when I knew what TV programming was. It’s been on forever. But “Ted”? Fuck off. Mark Wahlberg isn’t carrying a comedy let alone with a CGI teddy bear by his side.

I’ve seen the trailer for “Ted” played in theaters and people do not laugh. I’m not holding a gun to their head to make sure they don’t laugh. They’re just not laughing. It played before “The Dictator” and it was crickets in there. Meanwhile, I did read on the interwebz some guy said the crowd laughed most heartily when it was played in front of “American Reunion”. KILL YOURSELVES! Why are you seeing that movie in the theaters?

This is going to sound pompous, but if the only people who thought I was funny were people who saw “American Reunion” in theaters then I would never tell a joke ever again… and probably kill myself.

“Magic Mike” … will … be … sloooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Or at the very least it should be.

I’m not seeing “Magic Mike” in theaters. That’s for sure. I feel like I’ll end up seeing some of it on TV or Netflix or something down the line. I always end up watching Steven Soderbergh movies and a lot of the reason is because I don’t really like his movies. It’s true. It makes no sense that I would go out of my way to see the movies of a guy who I don’t like the movies of, but people rave about the guy and I want to know what they’re raving about. I don’t like almost all of his movies and the movies I do like I don’t think it’s because of him. Sure he has something to do with it, but a couple of them I would like a lot better if he didn’t put the Steven Soderbergh slow and awkward treatment on them. For instance, “Haywire”.

I was destined to like “Haywire”. I have an impossibly large school boy and 401K contributing man crush on Gina Carano. She’s pretty, but she’s also a former cagefighter and former kickboxer and she was on American Gladiators and I don’t know – she’s a raven haired mystical spirit and my throat would close from anxiety if I talked to her. That’s just how the world works. Anyway, the action scenes in “Haywire” are quite good in particular the one with Michael Fassbender. But the other scenes? Oof. Soderbergh dropped his special slo-mo sauce on it where you don’t know if it’s the pauses in what they say or the long cuts or the music in the background, but you feel like you’re being lulled to sleep by a large bosomed nanny.

“Magic Mike” for as quick and fun as it appears in the trailers, I can’t help to think that this movie will be equally stressfully slow and awkward. I would bet that the stripping you see in the trailers is almost all of the stripping you see in the movie. The rest of the movie will be about Magic Mike’s dream of being a custom furniture salesman. Yes… you read that right. HE WANTS TO SELL CUSTOM FURNITURE. That’s his dream! And in the trailer, one of these artful pieces is a table whose base is made of aluminum bottles. HE WANTS TO SELL TABLES HE MADE FROM JUNK!

Also, there will be a lot of rom-com – but slow rom-com – of Magic Mike trying to hook up with that other chick who I’ve never seen of before. So, all of that is entirely not enticing. Mr. Soderbergh has a tendency to also put a lot of inexplicable jazz into his movies in the background. It usually never works, but he keeps doing it. It usually is almost diametrically opposite of what you would want to have in the background, but the dude loves it, so that could happen in “Magic Mike”. Who knows?

I have read unconfirmed reports that Olivia Munn takes her top off in the movie. Thank God for the internet because if she does then it will be up on the internet within the hour and I’ll just be able to see that 10 seconds and none of everything else.

Last, but not least – Channing Tatum movies suck. So that doesn’t help anything. Who knows? This could be the greatest movie ever made about male stripping or even stripping in general. There is such a high bar already set by Demi Moore’s “Striptease” and Elizabeth Berkley and Gina Gershon’s “Showgirls”. Two classics that are simply too classic.

What does this mean?!

I’m seeing “Brave” and “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World” this coming weekend.

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One Response to “Marry, Fuck, Kill – Louis CK, Ted, Magic Mike”

  1. I saw Brave at the drive-in..(apparently, our Saco, Maine drive-in is the 2nd oldest in the country? and Christian Slater was there last weekend-not when I was there) and I did not care for it much, probs coz I’m a mom..you’ll see why….it was funny sometimes, infuriating other times.

    Why would anyone watch Magic Mike other than for a little eye candy for the ladies? I think the story is not the point here….

    Ted looks creepy….a nightmare in waiting….

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